At this point do not expose to work. Someone else will do it for you from within the company. If the UK is like the US the courts will not give a damn if she gets fired in six months. Pay up or jail. Yea jail in the US in many cases. So get it done!

Timeline use that as the basis of your exposure letter to both families and friends. Man, I pray you get then terms discussed!!! Primary custody in current home - huge long term win for you!

 

I know the timeline seems ridiculous but it could well be true. She fell in love and now she is going to introduce your teenage kids to her new man. This will not go well..

She is in full fantasy mode. It could last for years so the less contact you have with her the better. Everyone has said gets things signed quickly. The moment she tries to introduce her kids to Mr Wonderful her world will start to crumble as most kids don't like the person that took away their family. It is very important that you tell your kids about this guy. If you have his name so much the better as she will attempt to introduce him as someone she miraculously met and as the good guy. Next step he is staying over and your kids are in the house with him..

You are doing great. Keep moving forward and don't talk to her anymore. She will take every opportunity tell you of her happiness, how it will all work out. It won't her life is now officially ruined.

 

Your kids are old enough to know the truth. Full exposure on this.

 

Thanks all for your continued support and reminding me that (most of the time) I am doing the right thing.

My feelings today? Relief, a hint of peace and a hint of expectation.

Why? Because I came home from a weekend away with my kids and, as agreed, the ex had actually moved all of her things out of the house into her new rental. It felt less sad than I was expecting and actually gave me hope for my future.

Plus, she just sent back the divorce acknowledgement papers, so we are well on the way to Decree Nisi.

Also, mediation on Friday went nearly as well as I could have hoped on the finance front, we arrived at a figure that just about allows me to take on the mortgage and stay in the home with the boys. On paper, it looks as though I am getting a decent deal (but it's all for the stability of the boys, nothing done here out of spite), so until the mediation paperwork is signed, the consent order is officially drafted and the court stamps it, I will remain guarded but given we both want out ASAP, I hope this will pass OK in next 6-8 weeks.

She did make some non financial demands: 1) don't tell her work about the fact she is ****ing her boss 2) That she wants us to communicate better 3) she wants me to meet the OM so we can all move on and be friends (!!!) 4) She asked how I knew where she was all the time, if I had put a tracker on her! (told her I actually just found clues, texts and blagged the rest!)

The co-parenting plan started OK too, I let the ex take the lead, still agree in 50/50 and I simple ended by saying, I want to parent the boys exactly as I do now but without your direct input and support, so I will communicate in appropriate means as and when. However, I did then ask her when she was hoping to introduce the POSOM to the boys. She started by saying that OM is going to be a big part of her life, expects them to be together and he has a lot to offer the children (I hated that expression, for some reason), so she wants him to meet them ASAP...

I refused on the grounds that, the boys need stability in transitioning to our new shared living arrangements and according to her timeline (!), her and the OM have only known each other 9 months and been in a 'relationship' since early December and no one really knows what he is like, especially around someone else's kids. She reluctantly agreed to use Divorce date as a target for first meeting but I expect she will ignore that and have him stay over when they are all there next week.

We then had a chat alone afterwards - I've been full 180 aside from odd slip up, so no comms for ages, so she had a lot she was dying to tell me and I needed a couple of answers for my mind.

In a nutshell, she is in the pursuit of happiness above all else and it 'just so happened' that her boss was there at the time she had a light-bulb moment...

She started by admitting the marriage wasn't that bad but mentioned a possible MLC again (almost always comes up when we did talk over past 2 months) and said she turned 40 last year, decided she had reached the limit of what she was prepared to 'put up with', the need to feel 'alive' and a longing to 'live her life'. She would have felt 'trapped' if I had got ill / made redundant and she 'had to look after me' and that we had drifted apart and had different views. Everything felt like an 'effort'. She tried to play the no overlap game again, at which point I stepped in and made it clear that I had to discover the infidelity, so despite telling me she wanted a break, kissing and cuddling and emotional support for months is still infidelity. She said it's 'the only part she regrets' and 'can see' how hurtful that was for me. I asked her to correct any story she may have told that omits this fact, else it makes ME look like I am bitter, twisted and crazy.

That said she mentioned hadn't felt anywhere near as much emotion / sadness about the breakup as she expected and is taking that as a sign that it is the right decision. Also mentioned that me filing for D actually made her push on quicker with her new relationship with OM, as it felt natural...

Aside from discussions over the kids and wrapping up finances and the D itself, that conversation was actually useful for me. So although I agree with the 180, there does come a time (often after you have finalised as much as you can re the D) and certainly if you are parents, that I feel you do need to have the cathartic 'closure' discussion. It's done me good, I no longer blame myself but realise I should have got out / asked for MC when the prostitute offer was made all those years ago.

It is onwards and upwards, I'll hold my head higher, even when the rollercoaster of emotions kick in again.

 

Thanks all for your continued support and reminding me that (most of the time) I am doing the right thing.

My feelings today? Relief, a hint of peace and a hint of expectation.

Why? Because I came home from a weekend away with my kids and, as agreed, the ex had actually moved all of her things out of the house into her new rental. It felt less sad than I was expecting and actually gave me hope for my future.

Plus, she just sent back the divorce acknowledgement papers, so we are well on the way to Decree Nisi.

Also, mediation on Friday went nearly as well as I could have hoped on the finance front, we arrived at a figure that just about allows me to take on the mortgage and stay in the home with the boys. On paper, it looks as though I am getting a decent deal (but it's all for the stability of the boys, nothing done here out of spite), so until the mediation paperwork is signed, the consent order is officially drafted and the court stamps it, I will remain guarded but given we both want out ASAP, I hope this will pass OK in next 6-8 weeks.

She did make some non financial demands: 1) don't tell her work about the fact she is ****ing her boss 2) That she wants us to communicate better 3) she wants me to meet the OM so we can all move on and be friends (!!!) 4) She asked how I knew where she was all the time, if I had put a tracker on her! (told her I actually just found clues, texts and blagged the rest!)

The co-parenting plan started OK too, I let the ex take the lead, still agree in 50/50 and I simple ended by saying, I want to parent the boys exactly as I do now but without your direct input and support, so I will communicate in appropriate means as and when. However, I did then ask her when she was hoping to introduce the POSOM to the boys. She started by saying that OM is going to be a big part of her life, expects them to be together and he has a lot to offer the children (I hated that expression, for some reason), so she wants him to meet them ASAP...

I refused on the grounds that, the boys need stability in transitioning to our new shared living arrangements and according to her timeline (!), her and the OM have only known each other 9 months and been in a 'relationship' since early December and no one really knows what he is like, especially around someone else's kids. She reluctantly agreed to use Divorce date as a target for first meeting but I expect she will ignore that and have him stay over when they are all there next week.

If I were you I'd let her know that if she breaks the agreement about the kids meeting OM you'll immediately inform HR.

I hear what you and inging are saying but aside from morals (of which I do agree), what benefit is this going to be to me now?

What benefit do we get from helping you? What benefit was it to me to give you that advice above? Don't be so selfish, tell her.

 

She is kidding herself if she beleives you can be friends with the OM. The only communication you need between the two of you is for the children and an amicable relationship is best. It will help detach you further from her and being buddy, buddy will only muddy those waters. She is not your friend.

 

I totally agree, just need to make sure the balance is right to make sure the kids aren't affected.

 

Since she is going to bring on the chaotic factor, they need a safe harbor for stability. You cannot stop her from introducing the OM and that is dumb on her own end as children like to form attachments. The only time someone should introduce a partner is when the relationship is stable for a long time, not during some magical high of a new relationship.

Is it too late to add in a clause where she cannot introduce a new man until the divorce is over for at least a year? I am banking that their relationship will not last that long but who knows. I highly doubt she will agree with that on her own without it. You really do not want her to introduce a string of men into their lives as this will affect how they will treat relationship. The best you can do is litigate some of her being a poor role model by being an exemplary one yourself.

 

Is it too late to add in a clause where she cannot introduce a new man until the divorce is over for at least a year?

Mediation is writing up that Divorce date is the target - that said, as I am the petitioner, that date is in my control, (STBXW could push for final D but only 6 months plus 6 weeks after Nisi is issued)

 

Oh this is priceless. She really is playing by the handbook!

She genuinely believes that this will all work out. The Unicorns saddled up and flying in formation.

No you will not be friends. Friends stab you in the Front

It will take longer than the Divorce to come though so just duck and cover for a while. Stay away from her and never answer her phone calls. Always call her back a bit later. It will drive her crazy and give you a chuckle when she gets annoyed. Petty but we all deserve a chuckle.

 

Melrose have you and the OM wife spoken? Perhaps you should if only to compare notes...there is power in numbers.

 

Xenote - nope, I did want to tell her (my moral stance that she had the right to know) but all my mates told me not to take responsibility for that (and any fall out) and my IC said the same "he needs to tell her".
That said, the STBXW did admit on Friday, that the OM wife doesn't know about her...
But what would be the benefit now anyway?

 

I thought you had told her.. You need to tell her now. She is being gaslighted and is about to be hit even harder than you were. Would you want to be told? Yep thought so. Keep it factual and brief. Leave contact details if she wants to talk further.

 

There is a good chance this will all end up as a big disaster for your STBXW. You really know nothing about the relationship between OM and his wife. It's possible that he's lying to your wife and is still fully-engaged in his marriage. He's telling his wife that he's "working late" etc., but having regular sex with her. When his wife gets wind of the affair, OM might do everything in his power to save his own marriage, going no contact with your STBXW. She might have an epiphany at that point.

I think you have an ethical obligation to tell his wife. No betrayed spouse should be kept in the dark about the real nature of their marriage.

 

I hear what you and inging are saying but aside from morals (of which I do agree), what benefit is this going to be to me now? I have the financial agreement lined up, agreement to have my boys 50% of the time and I don't want anything to do with the ex.

From the texts I've seen from him as recently as last week (yes, I know they could be BS) it all seems over on his side too, e.g. OM wife angry that he is moving out and leaving the kids behind, wants financial security etc.

This sounds harsh to the OM wife but it's not my problem, I need to look after myself now, not get involved in the other marriage that clearly has / had major issues as much as mine did, if the OM is doing what my STBXW did to me.

 

You can tell her after the divorce is final.

 

If you want to wait that's your choice, but perhaps the om's wife will feel like a right idiot when she learns AFTER her divorce that her husband was cheating. She may feel entitled to more recompense than she was allowed to pursue due to lack of knowledge. Entirely your choice though.

 

OK, so I know you guys are right. I really feel for her and I know I'd want to know if it were reserved.

But yes, I am being selfish for the first time in ages, because I've worked so damn hard to get what I need from this sh1tstorm. Telling would risk it all, given how unstable the STBXW is acting at the moment.

Is it fair enough to wait until the consent order for boys and finances is sealed, then tell? 6 weeks, probably.

 

I think it's fair to wait but not forever, remember you have suffered through this, part of the pain you are going through right now is that you don't know the full details. There is another human being out there who may be feeling the same thing, and you may have it in your hands to help her. What kind of person do you want to be? Do you want your wives bitter actions to change you to be "selfish" as you call it?

Part of recovery is using a terrible event to get stronger as a person. It's like morally and emotionally lifting weights. You can take pride in knowing you are a better person than a lying cheat like your wife. It talks some of the sting away because she gave up you (a decent person who went out of his way to help someone being abused) to be with the guy doing the abusing, and even helping him do it. Then later when he moves on (and he will) and your wife is being particularly difficult you can throw it in her face. "Oh and by the way I told his wife." Fun.

If it was me I would tell her anonymously and if I was asked by my wife I would deny deny deny. This is a workplace affair it's not like others don't know about it. After everything is done, I would introduce myself to the wife and explain why I did it anonymously. Probably take her out for drinks too.

 

Take care of you. Once you are able without injury to yourself or those dependent upon you, then do what you can to give the other man's wife the full story.

You are thinking and acting wisely.
Keep it up.

 

Get the agreement signed before you tell the OM wife.

Period.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

As soon as there is a point where there is no going back on the agreement then do it.

 

If his ex is decent looking, you two could hook up and get all that anger out in sex. I know that's crazy. Someone here did that before. I can't remember the circumstances. I was an errant thought.

 

your wife sounds terrible. give up

 

OP You need to tell the OMs wife and I would definitely report it to HR she did you wrong payback is a b!tch.

 

I would tell the OM's wife now. Because, well... it's the right thing to do. You can spin it to yourself anyway you want, validate your reasons anyway you want, make up any reason that comforts you to not inform her.

There is a woman out there who is being taken advantage of in the same way your WW is taking advantage of you, except there is a good chance she doesn't know she's being victimized. Like a person with leeches latched onto her privates.

But it's up to you. Do what is most profitable to yourself, and fvck everyone else I guess....

 

I think you are doing the right thing by staying quiet until the divorce is done. You need to play softball will her for now. Get a good settlement and get your divorce over and done with before causing trouble. In fact, I wouldn't tell her job at all. If she is to pay you monthly, keep her working!

Your wife had an exit affair. It sucks for you but she was leaving your marriage one way or the other. Let her go. Worry about you and your kids only. But, to h@ll with meeting and being friends with that douche bag!

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk

 

@Melrose8888 Your wife is very troubled. Far more troubled than you might realise.

How so? She equates sexual intercourse with herself with sexual intercourse with a prostitute.

She might -even unconsciously- see sexual intercourse with her wealthy boss in the same way as a prostitute sees sex with a client. Mainly as a business proposition.

 

Some people do the right thing, other people are weasels and don't. I find that is generally the map their lives follow and they get the results they deserve.

 

With natural British reticence this is what you get.

 

OK, so wait for seal from court on consent order, then tell OM Wife - got it.

Still not sure how to do it, anonymously is preference, as I don't really want to be supportive (tongue in cheek here: she probably isn't much of a looker if the OM is anything to go by... )


And no, I don't want to be friends with him but the connection with my kids (still both very young) is bound to come up sooner than I hope - the problem is my boys are very sociable and will probably connect with him straight away, which will hurt so much.

To reaffirm what she said after mediation, she really believes that both of us will be much happier because of this and she's has freed us both.

What is still playing on my mind is how I am left dealing with all this crap, while she ploughs on with her life, getting laid, taken out for meals, going for weekends away, holidays booked with him for the summer already. Resentment? Fear? Maybe.

I AM concentrating on myself and my needs but given I want to get to what she currently has, ASAP, it's too easy to compare ATM.

 

Melrose,

Its been said that people usually affair down and in this case its no different.
A wise person said it's not how you start but how you finish that counts, how is this situation with lover boy likely to progress? everything has happened so fast, they both think they've found their soul mate, the fantasia castle they've built life on in Disney Land is actually a Mud Hut on a Sandy Beach waiting for the tide to come in and easily erode it away.

You're a man of virtue, integrity and honour.
Yes, what's happened to you is really dire and it will take a year or more to come back from this, but come back you will my friend.

You will find a better person and from day 1 will have those boundaries in place to prevent such a deplorable act from being committed against you again. But you will have a new relationship with someone who has values, has honour and integrity also. The foundations of that relationship will be set deep and will have a better chance of working out, because my friend it will be built on truth, on reality. Not sneaking around in the shadows being a POS.

I assure you that you will see life in Technicolor for the first time, you will look back on the relationship with your POS Ex and it will be like a bad black and white B movie.

Rest assured YOU will be the better parent, YOU will lead by example, YOU will be ok. In all honesty you're the favourite in the Kentucky derby and those who appear to be setting off in to the sunset are actually limping out the starting gate and rolling up to be the 250-1 outsiders of the race.

You will be ok.

 

Danny - you are so good with your supportive words. Thank you.

 

Yes, it is currently not fair at all that your wife is seamlessly going on with her life with dates and travel plans. Someday you will know that you have recovered when you don't care at all about what is happening in her life. The goal is your peace and happiness. If your wife came crawling back, it would temporarily dull the immediate pain you're going through, but it would also prevent you from ever truly being happy again.