Sorry you are here.
This sort of contempt is not that uncommon but that does not make it any less confusing. You are now the enemy to her happiness and as you detected they just have to work though some complexities so that they can be happy ever after.
They both genuinely believe this..

Blow it all apart.
This is vital as without full exposure to family and friends she will rewrite history and before you know it you will be getting every second weekend visitation to your own children at their new home.
Tell your children what is happening.
They are most likely thinking it is something they have done. Stick to the facts and make it age appropriate.
Encourage her to move out
This should be easy. She will move with indecent haste and you should not argue.
Continue Divorce
Move this along as fast as you can. She believes in rainbows and unicorns at the moment and her main focus is to be with her new man. Take advantage of that to get a good deal on the breakup

Your family
No longer includes her or your inlaws

Money
Secure finances. Cancel all credit cards and cancel shared phone plans
Work
Keep doing it. That is all.

Contact with her
Do not engage about anything other than money issues with the kids. You are going to have to change your life to accommodate the kids. Do it

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

 

Are you trying to get her back or just move on?

 

Jeremy Kyle aside (!) lots of useful debate, so thanks.

@sokillme - amazing, read all of that link and it is almost an exact copy of my situation! I've taken steps again today to take control, told her she won't be staying overnight at the house and have stuck to the 180 rules on communication.

I have IC tomorrow and can't wait to start on my individual recovery.

As soon as I have the seal on the financial settlement, I'll be exposing the affair to all parties and will start to tell my side of the story too. There is simply too much to lose to do it right now but I feel for the OBS.

Plus, it might sound familiar to those who have been through this but all the evidence I've seen and heard, it sounds as though they are obsessed with each other and he too will divorce and get together with the 'mother of my kids'. (See, I'm learning!)

I must also be honest, there is still the tiniest part of me that hopes she will come back pleading for R but I think that is so I can play along for a day and then tell her where to stick it.

The eldest kid is very smart but very emotional, he knows what is coming and when he and his brother are older, he will know why.

Any tips on how to turn the anger, rage and upset that rears it's ugly head into positive thinking / actions? It's still the part I struggle with, even on 'good' days like today.

 

Don't pin too much hope on your silence to obtain a good financial deal. Wayward are in lala land during an affairs and if you can get a fast quick deal done you may get a favorable financial deal but all to often the "real world" starts to creep into affair land and they fall apart. Many times once the paperwork stage starts the affair partner will bail because they are just looking for fun, not a relationship.

Time is not your ally, get a deal cut quickly, don't plan on her guilt to play into anything (she won't have any). Most affairs fall apart rather quickly. It will be a whole new ballgame once she gets dumped....

 

Melrose,

The anger still remains somewhat (7 months) it won't properly dissipate until she's out the house properly, nor will the real healing begin until that time either fella. This is why the 180 us effective, it helps to keep her from pressing those buttons to get a rise from you, and beleive me she will try because she knows how. Even anger will feed her attention. Sucking it in, politely excuse yourself and punch the pillow out of her sight just after.

Excersise will help you flush of the frustration and pent up anger you hold inside. Think every bead of Sweat you push out is the poison she's lanced you with. Lift weights, go power walking, sing loud to your favourite tunes on the way to and from work in your car.

Don't throw bullets at her, boy it feels good to do it! I know this, but you have to retrain your brain and become as emotional as a rock in front of her. Closed ended responses only when necessary in a monotone way.

Follow this and you're on the track mate, trust me I'm living it atm and it works. Remember this is for YOU and YOUR healing. No more emotional abuse for Mr Melrose.

 

Also, don't hope that she will come crawling back. They rarely do. We have rarely seen such behavior on TAM.

Most waywards would rather live their lives miserable and alone than give up their pride and admit they screwed up and ask for forgiveness. It does happen, but very rarely.

Check out my thread "Myth: They Come Crawling Back".

 

Let's not forget that she has no problem putting their kids' lives in danger - driving drunk with them in the car.

 

I think the bad stock analogy is correct but I do see it as bad now but will only give it away at a low cost to me.

Update is that after telling her not to stay at the house, tonight she tells me she is staying at a girl friends in our town (but left with new makeup and outfit on!). Facebook snoop showed she wasn't and in fact, that friend was telling her to 'have a great night '.

I know I shouldn't care and I can't control her actions but still, here I am, still being lied to and now her dippy (married) friends are fully behind her affair?! Are we in a society that just sees these things as the norm these days?!

My ask here is how do I communicate my side of the story to her friends and family so that the truth doesn't get rewritten? What forms of communication are best, without making it a public, she said, he said?

Financial discussion is tonight, if I don't see signs of me getting what I need for my boys stability, I think it might well be time to expose...

 

Update is that after telling her not to stay at the house, tonight she tells me she is staying at a girl friends in our town (but left with new makeup and outfit on!). Facebook snoop showed she wasn't and in fact, that friend was telling her to 'have a great night '.

I know I shouldn't care and I can't control her actions but still, here I am, still being lied to and now her dippy (married) friends are fully behind her affair?! Are we in a society that just sees these things as the norm these days?!

She lying to you but to all the friends of the marriage too. Make no mistake the rewrite is well underway and has been with her friends for some time. You are now finding out that theses people were never your friends. They were and are hers.
She deserves more. You ignored her. This new man will be good for her. She looks so happy. etc, etc.

My ask here is how do I communicate my side of the story to her friends and family so that the truth doesn't get rewritten? What forms of communication are best, without making it a public, she said, he said?

Financial discussion is tonight, if I don't see signs of me getting what I need for my boys stability, I think it might well be time to expose...

Do not bother with the rewrite. Unfriend all these people. They are not your friends. He family is no longer your family beyond a link as grandparents. They are not on your side.

Expose the affair and watch the fireworks as they go in to damage control. Sitting on this will do you no favours. Your boys need to see their Dad being strong and taking a stand at this absurd behaviour. TExpose using names and dates. Be specific as she will try and cover her tracks. Tell the Other mans partner. this is important. She is being gaslighted and it needs to end.

You need to stand strong for your boys. Be stable, be a rock. Start NOW as they already are adrift and don't know why.
This is modeling how they will behave in the future

Here is the primary loop you need to run in your head. There are no "if" statements.
while
Wife in affair
do
exit
done

 

Time to let the lawyer take the reins just get the best lawyer you can.

As far as her friends go. You have no idea what they really think. She is off in la la land, life will catch up to her. Just work on you.

 

Quick update, too tired...

Had financial chat tonight, started with a few frank questions, as I heard via friend that the POSOM separated from his wife last week. So I need to know if they were moving in together, as this would affect the finances. Apparently not but as if I believe a word she says anyway.

Started with very low ball number that she scoffed at. Got to a number she liked and i told her it was unworkable and I'll have to go all the way to court and the fact she is with her high earning boss will be in my favour for spousal maintenance (she is higher earner now - proves sleeping with your boss gets you £...).

Met half way (that is 30/70 of assets to me as I will take on family home for boys stability) but I'm now concerned that our financial mediator and ultimately the judge who presides over consent order, will see that as 'unfair'? (Not really, her *** ing her boss while married to me is unfair...).

I'm glad to be shot of the cheating beeatch but the affair and them being together continues to derail my 180 plans.

 

Get whatever agreement written up by a lawyer as speedy as you can and signed. Odds are in two weeks she will change her mind. One of the great problem with negotiations without legal guys around is its basically meaningless and wayward tend to treat it as a game more than anything.

She is not "officially" with her higher earning boss so that is meaningless in any posturing for court. If he has indeed split with his wife she's gonna want her "fair" share " so his spending will be curtailed significantly. These are the real world things that start to wreck affairland. Get a legal agreement done and over with fast.

 

Have you read sun tzu?

If not, you should read sun tzu.

If you've read it before, you should read it again.

Divorce is heinous and bloody battle.

 

Want to ask her Lying all the time is not healthy for the kids and you are teaching them that lying and cheating is acceptable.

 

30 percent to who? Seems like a foolish question but read enough threads.....

Second strive for a cash equity buy out not future payments. Future payments may or may not happen, especially if they both are fired in the future. A year from now POS may fire her and promote new toy.

My ex's pos BW took most of the equity in the home for reduced child support. Six months later he was fired and had nothing. Dumb ****.

 

What is the attitude over there re bosses having A's with their (direct?) reports? Most companies here are very concerned about it for many obvious reasons. Your WW is being given preferential treatment because she has a relationship with a higher-up. The company is vulnerable to all sorts of legal action because of what they are doing. If the A goes south, she can easily claim sexual harassment, whether it's valid or not.

I would do what others have said - blow this up both at their work and with the OMW. You've heard that the OM left his BW, but the chances are VERY high that the poor woman has no idea that he is cheating. He likely gave her an excuse out of the cheater's handbook like he 'needs space' or he 'feels disconnected and has to leave for a while.'

His BW has a right to know, for sure, but I would also write a legal letter to the company to report the illicit relationship.

 

Interestingly enough, I drafted a letter for the company today, after I found their policy regarding relationships online. Generally, UK firms are ok with intra company relationships but on two grounds, that there is no conflict of interests and that disclosure is made immediately.
My POS wife's situation is in breach of both, so they'd be in the sh1t, especially given she has a huge financial promotion last month.

However, the financial negotiations are going ok and I am hopeful of getting what me and my sons require. So I will hold off for now but it will be used if things don't work out next week.

She really annoyed me today, she told our boys about her moving into a rented house next week, while I was out. I was clear that any comms with the boys are best done together. Game playing I'm sure but another example of her terrible mothering skills lately and doesn't bode well for co parenting...

 

She really annoyed me today, she told our boys about her moving into a rented house next week, while I was out. I was clear that any comms with the boys are best done together. Game playing I'm sure but another example of her terrible mothering skills lately and doesn't bode well for co parenting...

I know this is hard to get your head around but she is seeing you as the enemy Anything you do, say or plan with her is being discussed with her new man. Her doing this without you about is all about her controlling the message and limiting fallout. Please let your boys know about WHY this is happening calmly and on your own.

Your children will be blaming themselves with no logical explanation forthcoming and I can guarantee that the lies she told them make no sense at all to them.

You MUST expose NOW to family, friends and most importantly the OMW to stop this rubbish propagating.

As @alte Dame says "You've heard that the OM left his BW, but the chances are VERY high that the poor woman has no idea that he is cheating."

This is almost always the case with cheating men. They lie to the mistress because, well. why not! As long as she keep providing free dirty sex and she keeps believing him he will string her along for as long as possible.

I see no point in exposing her at work. Everyone at work will know anyway and frankly it is better she is working and making some money.

Exposing to the OM wife will have much more effect

I believe that regardless of Divorce you must kill this affair. I have seen too many men lose access to their children by being too soft believing this is the right way. It isn't.

Main advice.. .
Take a dose of concrete and toughen the fck up .

 

Focus on your kids and quit trying to "catch her" unless it benefits you through the legal system. Of course she told them without you, this is why I am NEVER a fan of the "let's keep it quiet" or "kids do not need to know" comments which tend to float around. No, I am not saying the need to become your confidant or sounding board at all. Depending on the ages, none of them need the full gory details, a simple "mommy has a new friend she likes better than daddy, she's leaving" or something like that is much better than playing catch up IMO.

Actually, this isn't "terrible mothering skills," it is smart. It is called damage control. She has already informed them of something you are hiding.

Manipulation 101, be first.

 

Great advice given.
You have no idea the importance of speed and legal papers getting filed.

So absolutely correct. Days, hours matter.
Influence of girlfriends, breakups with AP's, etc. hugely impact your divorce agreement.
Once she thinks she's on her own, she's coming after you in every way possible.

Use her desire to get out to your advantage. Fast. Fast fast.
Narrow window of opportunity here.

 

Hi all, quick update and ask for opinion, as I head to mediation.

To set the scene, I don't want R, I want out, fast (divorce petition was actually served to her on Weds) and to do that I want to be able to keep home for our boys, by settling 50/50 on all assets but 70/30 on house (as I put in 75% of deposit three years ago), she pays lump sum child maintenance (as higher earner = £25k) and I let slide that her pensions are £15k more valuable than mine.

Do any of these revelations change the above:

1) She continues to claim 'no overlap'. Her timeline supposedly read (with dates based on my snooping) is:

April - She starts new job, meets boss for first time
June - gets promoted
1 Nov - gets very big (temporary but likely to be perm) promotion
11 Nov - we talked about unhappiness in marriage
14 Nov - She stayed in hotel with boss for team nigh tout, after that her comms to me were different (fewer texts, no kisses, no intimacy)
21 Nov - Asked me for space, which I gave by staying at friends and at this stage we are in MC, my aim / hope to R
9 Dec - I was suspicious and found she was staying in hotel with him that evening
12 Dec - I asked is she having affair. She denied and said just friend in a similar situation, eventually admits to kissing but 'no overlap'
13 Dec - I ask for R, she refused, I filed for D
Since then - she continues to text and call, see him at work (obvs, as her boss!) and staying in hotels with him. Claims sex only happened on 27 Dec for first time.

For me, you don't just go from unhappy to opening your heart, kissing, cuddling with no previous emotional relationship prior to that (I have no hard evidence prior to 14 Nov but can see from FB history, she was searching for him since June and looking at ways out from September). Point is, if I hadn't snooped around and uncovered the infidelity, I would still be none the wiser, even today.

2) They are staying in the same hotel room, he is helping her move out this weekend, is buying her gifts for her rental, are planning to stay at each others rented accommodation (he told wife and kids he was divorcing last week), planning holidays away in June YET on her financial disclosure (form E) she answered no to 'do you plan to cohabit in next 6 months' - what is the definition here? They are both BIG earners, so it surely could impact financial settlement?

3) All (yes, ALL) of her friends are 100% behind her because the story she tells is she was unhappy, she asked for space, happened to get together with boss, no overlap, now she is happy. Leaves out the fact that I had to discover the infidelity myself! Aside from the not actual giving examples of her unhappiness until 21 Nov, this history re-write is so frustrating but ultimately, does it matter given my aim?

4) Given the advanced stage of her new relationship, my biggest fear in all of this, is how soon she introduces him to our boys. I have seen for texts that he is dying for her to meet his kids (teenagers) and given the amount of time they are spending with each other, I know he wants to get involved with our boys. Surely it is reasonable (especially if her time line is as above - she hardly knows this guy) to ask that he has nothing to do with them for X number of months, until boys are settled. But realistically, how is that possible given they are obsessed with each other?

I still just don't get it - why would someone who is unhappy, jump straight into another relationship instead of working on our marriage for us, for the kids. Been wracking my brain to think of signs in the past and the list I can some up with is A) when no sex (2.5 years ago) she said I was free to get a prostitute - not only did she miss the point that I wanted sex with her but she probably built up anxiety that she wasn't fulfilling my needs B) I called her a good Mum but a terrible wife, because she put all kids needs first (selfish of me, I concede but I was low) C) We disagreed on many things to do with the 2nd child, she wanted to do opposite of what we did with first (who is a well balanced young boy) D) AS previously mentioned, I threatened to leave and also started to call her names because of these frustrations (petty, yes but proved unhappiness, I suppose).

I don't know what to expect in mediation today but will update afterwards.

 

No one can tell you why your wife did this, the prostitute thing is pretty telling though, something is broken in her. Her reaction was not normal. She may not even know. You will make yourself crazy trying to figure it out. You are not detaching if you are trying to figure it out. Let her boss deal with it now. From her actions I doubt she is going to be someone who is capable of have a successful long term relationship with anyone. Understand you can be the best husband in the world and it still takes two to make it work. So failure might have always been the destination.

Dude let it go. Work on you. LET HER GO MAN. The sooner you do the better you will feel. There is better out there for you.

 

Stop trying to understand. Cheaters are drug addicts. They get a high from the affair and it's irresistible and turns them into people you don't recognize. Accept that that happened and move on. She followed the female cheater path to a T. She'll eventually wake up, probably when her boyfriend runs back to his wife when he sees how much money he's going to lose. By then, you won't need her any more.

 

Stop trying to understand. Cheaters are drug addicts. They get a high from the affair and it's irresistible and turns them into people you don't recognize. Accept that that happened and move on

This. ^^

You need to refocus and treat the relationship with your soon to be exwife as a rapidly fading distant memory. The more you dwell on the "why" the more it will hold you back. There's no rhyme or reason to it anyway, you're looking for answers that simply do not exist. You'd be better off trying to figure out how the universe is infinitely large or something of that nature. That one always baffled me. How can the universe simply "go on forever". And if it doesn't go on forever, what's after it? But I digress.

 

I'm so sorry. I know this is rough.
HOwever, you have seen her true colors and are doing something about it! THat's freaking awesome and will get your life going again no matter what. You'd be surprised how many people just do nothing and kind of quit. Those are the ones that suffer the most. You are suffering, but you're not going to continue to suffer. For those posters that said you have to let it go and not try to figure it out---- that's the best advice you can get. You will NEVER figure out what happened. If you could talk to her years from now, she'd probably convince you how this was all YOUR fault. And you must know that a large part of this is her fault, and ALL of the affair stuff is her fault. ANyone that has 1 brain cell knows there was "overlap". That's disgusting of her to say and just laughable.

Your wife telling you to get a prostitute is quite telling--- this should tell you that she NEVER planned on having sex with you again and in her mind the marriage was over. No woman would do that.
Her screwed up mind can equate all the evil crap she's done as ok because she was "done" with you a long time ago.

My advice: move on like you're doing, put her in your rearview, and find another woman with more character to spend your life with. I promise you, no matter how you feel now, you are capable of finding love again. And next time it should be far more fulfilling if you choose wisely.
Good luck

 

ANyone that has 1 brain cell knows there was "overlap". That's disgusting of her to say and just laughable.

I guess that means all of her friends only have 1 brain cell!

 

Melrose, something is broken inside her. I have some suspicions, but the exact reason doesn't matter. She and her OM are in lurve. Now is the time to strike on the D. Later on you may get some better clues and perhaps some better perspective on why she has chosen this path. I don't think you're going to figure it out any time soon.

As to the cohabitation, I think yes it is relevant to your settlement. But you have to prove it. Your lawyer is the one who can tell you how it may help and how to prove it.

I do know a divorcee who lives with her long term bf. He maintains a cheap separate apartment so that it appears on paper they aren't living together. This way she gets to keep receiving alimony. Bee-otch! But in this state it is possible to prove they are living together if one hires a PI and shows frequent overnight stays. Your lawyer can give you guidance on how it works where you live.

 

There is no understanding crazy. To even try will bring you the same fate.

 

She probably doesn't really know, beyond she wanted more out of life than she had, a powerful man with money was showing her she was interesting and sexually desirable and she needed that at the time.

You could have been showing her these things and it wouldn't have the same effect on her because you are her husband and you have to do those things for the sake of the marriage, children, family, pride, etc.

You can discuss that stuff with a counselor, too.

As for the divorce, go for the most you can get. Don't let her make you feel badly. Don't blame yourself. She made her choice. Get everything you can, including the children at least fifty percent of the time.

Follow what many here have told you already.

Look up the 180 and follow it.

Exercise and eat right, even if you have to force yourself.

Make sure you have a good attorney.

This is a very confusing and difficult time. It will get better, if you want it and work hard for it. Keep moving forward.

 

Boy, this is all so true...hard to take nonetheless but it's so crazy to imagine it seems that simple, in her mind.

 

Your marriage is toast so just accept that. Devote the energies you'd be putting to finding out what, why and when of her affair to researching her affair partner, the man who will likely be spending time with your kids. What kind of work? Temperament? Any arrests? Drinking/dope habits? Can you run a credit check? Just do a full Sherlock Holmes on him. Protect your kids. And, get rid of the woman who suggested you see a prostitute for your needs...get rid of her fast and while she's still in the fog.

 

Well, I know who he is, what he does (IT Director of a large organisation), where he and his wife live (well, not now that he is staying with my ex), all his past jobs and directorships. The other parts are not clear, though he has been staying in hotels for months if not years, during the week and even the texts I've seen between him and ex, he talks about drinking in the bar lots and jokes he is 'going to pick up a lady', presumably to keep my ex on her toes. So I expect he is an 'expert' at this...

Anyway, I think this is one I'm just going to have to judge from distance and (when the inevitable happens and they meet) from what the kids tell me.

 

Melrose your wife is a "grass is greener" type. She will never be satisfied with what she has. She will be happy with this new schmuck for a while, but after a few years she will tire of him and be looking for a new pasture.

DO NOT let her badmouth you to others or lie about how the marriage failed. You need to protect your reputation, and if that means putting out the Facebook clarion call to all your mutual friends then you need to do it. Wait until the divorce is finalized first, but make sure you set the record straight, or you will never forgive yourself.

 

None of what you wrote changes a thing. Focus on the terms of your divorce. Also any child over the age of four must be told about the adultery in an age appropriate manner.

She is rewriting the marriage history to fit the narrative of her fantasy. Do not allow this to occur and don't argue with her about. Going forward share the facts if someone wants to know and you are willing to share and walk away.