Hi all, lurker since cracks appeared in my marriage 2 months ago and felt it time to share my story, as the posts of other helped me emensely in early days. This story could equally go into the divorce forum but it's the affair that dominates my thoughts.
Background is married for nearly 8 years, realtionship for 17 years with a small break early on, 2 boys aged 7 and 4, based in the UK. Usual issues in marriage, lack of sex, emotional interest, poor work life balance for both, very few opportunities for time alone and lack of sleep.
A few times I've voiced my frustration about the issues, occasionally threatening to leave and building emotional walls. A couple of months ago ex took one of these comments and turned it into a request for space. At this point I respected that wish and stayed with friends when I could. I gave it a 1% chance of an EA or PA at that time.
Started couples counseling but could tell she was only there to appear supportive but was cold and unengaged.
On returning home I noticed red flags, spending ages getting ready, new clothes, new underwear, shaving, new hair, long hours at work etc. A bit of light Facebook snooping revealed her telling the mums from school that I was making her unhappy and she didn't love me any more but nothing more.
Early December she planned a weekend to see family, I had my suspicions so I checked her weekend bag and found sexy underwear and directions to a hotel. As I had the kids to look after, i managed to stop myself following her but on her return, asked her a few normal questions about the weekend to see if she would own up. Nothing but I could tell she was lying.
So next morning I took her mobile, felt so guilty but opening revealed 200+ texts between her and her boss (older man, director of a large organisation who had just given her a new role and payrise...) Lots of flirting, sending descriptions of underwear and saying what a great weekend they had and how they will work through the complexities to be together. Further digging revealed he is also married with teenage kids. Took photos of all the texts.
Clearly devastated, I asked who she was with this weekend and if she was having an affair. She denied it, saying it was a friend with similar issues meeting to talk at dinner. I pushed (without revealing I had seen texts) and she eventually said they had kissed but 'there was no overlap, as it was after she asked for space'!). Further snooping showed an EA as early as June...
I asked her to stop seeing him and to work on our marriage but she refused and said she planned to move out in the new year but that he isn't the reason she was leaving. I told her I was divorcing her and filed unreasonable behaviour before Xmas, looking to agree 50/50 shared custody of boys and financial settlement through midiation. I have risen to be the better man and have bitten my tongue so many times to ensure the best for my boys. I still believe this is a likely outcome but I don't believe a word she says anymore, so am guarded.
However, in lead up to Xmas and new year, we attempted to keep civil for the boys but she continues to text, call, him, hide phone from me, meeting him for lunch and was clearly destracted from being a mother (not to mention many serious lacks of judgment such as meeting him for drink during work time, then drink driving (came home stinking of booze) with my eldest son!). So I told her I knew everything, all the texts and that is her boss and threatened to call her work to tell them. She pleaded with me, still saying she's done nothing wrong. This is the only emotion I've seen out of her in last month. I've not told her work or his wife, yet, but am tempted once financial settlement is sealed by solicitor?
Shes agreed to move out end Jan but spent new year's with him and it's eating me up inside. I can't bear the thought of them together and what they've done to our family. I know that if he hadn't told her what she wanted to hear, we would have worked through our issues and that feels so unfair.
Do I give up, let her move out, carry on with divorce or give it one final try?
Apols for length of first post but it's been great just to get this down in black and white.
Background is married for nearly 8 years, realtionship for 17 years with a small break early on, 2 boys aged 7 and 4, based in the UK. Usual issues in marriage, lack of sex, emotional interest, poor work life balance for both, very few opportunities for time alone and lack of sleep.
A few times I've voiced my frustration about the issues, occasionally threatening to leave and building emotional walls. A couple of months ago ex took one of these comments and turned it into a request for space. At this point I respected that wish and stayed with friends when I could. I gave it a 1% chance of an EA or PA at that time.
Started couples counseling but could tell she was only there to appear supportive but was cold and unengaged.
On returning home I noticed red flags, spending ages getting ready, new clothes, new underwear, shaving, new hair, long hours at work etc. A bit of light Facebook snooping revealed her telling the mums from school that I was making her unhappy and she didn't love me any more but nothing more.
Early December she planned a weekend to see family, I had my suspicions so I checked her weekend bag and found sexy underwear and directions to a hotel. As I had the kids to look after, i managed to stop myself following her but on her return, asked her a few normal questions about the weekend to see if she would own up. Nothing but I could tell she was lying.
So next morning I took her mobile, felt so guilty but opening revealed 200+ texts between her and her boss (older man, director of a large organisation who had just given her a new role and payrise...) Lots of flirting, sending descriptions of underwear and saying what a great weekend they had and how they will work through the complexities to be together. Further digging revealed he is also married with teenage kids. Took photos of all the texts.
Clearly devastated, I asked who she was with this weekend and if she was having an affair. She denied it, saying it was a friend with similar issues meeting to talk at dinner. I pushed (without revealing I had seen texts) and she eventually said they had kissed but 'there was no overlap, as it was after she asked for space'!). Further snooping showed an EA as early as June...
I asked her to stop seeing him and to work on our marriage but she refused and said she planned to move out in the new year but that he isn't the reason she was leaving. I told her I was divorcing her and filed unreasonable behaviour before Xmas, looking to agree 50/50 shared custody of boys and financial settlement through midiation. I have risen to be the better man and have bitten my tongue so many times to ensure the best for my boys. I still believe this is a likely outcome but I don't believe a word she says anymore, so am guarded.
However, in lead up to Xmas and new year, we attempted to keep civil for the boys but she continues to text, call, him, hide phone from me, meeting him for lunch and was clearly destracted from being a mother (not to mention many serious lacks of judgment such as meeting him for drink during work time, then drink driving (came home stinking of booze) with my eldest son!). So I told her I knew everything, all the texts and that is her boss and threatened to call her work to tell them. She pleaded with me, still saying she's done nothing wrong. This is the only emotion I've seen out of her in last month. I've not told her work or his wife, yet, but am tempted once financial settlement is sealed by solicitor?
Shes agreed to move out end Jan but spent new year's with him and it's eating me up inside. I can't bear the thought of them together and what they've done to our family. I know that if he hadn't told her what she wanted to hear, we would have worked through our issues and that feels so unfair.
Do I give up, let her move out, carry on with divorce or give it one final try?
Apols for length of first post but it's been great just to get this down in black and white.
