First of all, welcome to the Forum, but I'm sorry for you and your boys as to why you are here.

In reading your description, I would say, "Yes, you should give up." She is giving no indication of wanting another try. She is blatantly carrying on an affair with her boss, and rubbing your nose in it. She's done with you. She's not coming back.

You absolutely need to tell her bosses wife and HR at their company ASAP. The other betrayed spouse deserves this knowledge immediately.

Take care of yourself and your boys right now. Eat healthy, get sleep, exercise. It is time to move on. You deserve way better than this woman.

 

^ This^ All of it.
I would also add don't give her until the end of January to move out, if she plans to keep blatantly rubbing her affair with her boss in your face.
Give her the boot NOW!

 

sorry you are here! That is a rough story but know you are not alone! I feel for you! Its painful and staying strong for your kids is #1 priority.

I would tell the OM's wife ASAP. Like yesterday! Only you know the financial situation. It is VERY likely they will get fired if you go to HR. If that impact YOU negativly then I would hold off. If you dont think it will then expose it ASAP. BUT tell the other mans wife asap!.

From the read it sounds like R is out of the question and frankly even if you want to or not the path is the same. Youve already filed so thats really good on you! Time to start thinking of yourself. Hit the gym, eat right, put kids first and learn about your laws.

It sounds like she is deep in the fog and all you can do is detach, 180 and get your life together for the kids because she wont.

 

@Melrose8888, so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It's a sad one all of the way round.

You asked whether or not you should try to work it out with your wife or continue with the divorce and IMO, you should continue with the divorce.

Background is married for nearly 8 years, realtionship for 17 years with a small break early on, 2 boys aged 7 and 4, based in the UK. Usual issues in marriage, lack of sex, emotional interest, poor work life balance for both, very few opportunities for time alone and lack of sleep.

A few times I've voiced my frustration about the issues, occasionally threatening to leave and building emotional walls. A couple of months ago ex took one of these comments and turned it into a request for space. At this point I respected that wish and stayed with friends when I could.

Her affair was the straw the camels back but it looks like you and she have been having problems for years, so much so that you have threatened divorce on more than one occasion. If you've considered divorcing her in the past then why would you want to continue in such a dysfunctional relationship? You're only kicking the can down the road.

See this as your opportunity to move on. Free yourself to meet someone who is a better match than your current wife. 2017 can be the year of the phoenix for you.

 

Get tested for STDs.

As you tell her that she also needs to get tested, you can let her know you're having the the boys paternity tested as well.

Outside of that don't ever threaten or warn. In fact read up on the 180 and minimize interaction as much as possible.

And just go straight to doing what has to be done. At this point it's telling the OM's wife and HR.

 

Started couples counseling but could tell she was only there to appear supportive but was cold and unengaged.

This is the only red flag you need. She was gone before counseling.

Do I give up, let her move out, carry on with divorce or give it one final try?

Yes, give that divorce one more try. This time, don't let your feelings for the woman you thought she was get in the way. She is nothing to you now. She is the mother of your child. That's all. Any woman could have been the mother of your child. Treat her as such for you son's sake.

Forget trying to bring her around. She can come back around after you've divorced, if she has the notion. I doubt she really wants you. She probably just got dumped by the guy or he is having second thoughts about how long he wants to be with her. That's her mistake and not yours.

Don't feel bad for her. She left your marriage long ago. She won't return as the same woman you married.

Get the divorce and your child. Give her nothing you don't have to give by law. Fight to keep all you can. She left the marriage when she left her feelings for you drift away.

 

You leverage the identity of the POSOM in order to secure the best possible divorce settlement.

That is how you seek justice in this situation.

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

 

You are supporting the affair by not telling OM's wife and HR at her workplace. She is getting unfair favour because of the sexual favours she is giving her superior. Expose, expose, expose. Your old lady will fall off the cloud she is on when she realises OM is just with her for sex (a walking, talking bathroom to relieve himself). Damn, Melrose, you have all the cards right now. Use them, brother.

 

Expose and divorce. It is your only recourse. Your wayward wife has checked out...finito.

 

Welcome Melrose,

You're in the best place here, you've got the ball rolling with the D, cudos for that, next ensure you see it through she leaves the property. Change locks when she does so, close off all joint bank accounts, change all passwords on your email, bank accounts pin numbers, wipe her from all your social media accounts.

Expose to your family and friends they will hopefully support you or her, the point being you'll know who stands up in the storm. Don't be fooled that R is an option here, she wants to test drive the POSOM and let her go ahead and do so with your blessing.

Expose to his family as they need to know, make the call quick sharp with all the proof you have.

Read up on the 180 and live it as your life in interation with your ex from now on...she's well ahead of you in the emotion game and checked out a good while ago. Time to catch up sir, take a firm line. Kids are still quite young yet to know whats going on, some here advocate going scortched earth and telling them everything about why mummys abandoning them, me personally would take the professional 3rd party apporach.

Remember your kids need you now more than ever, their POS mother is about to walk out on them. So to be their rock you have to look after yourself, sleep properly, eat and excercise. Reach out to your family for support here, try and keep a routine as best as possible.

You will get through this, it will pass, and one day in the future the page of the book will turn and you will see she actually set you free.

 

Ask yourself this? What is helping hide their affair getting you?

You don't have to worry about pushing her away she's already gone.

With the other man in your marriage you've got zero chance.

 

First off you also posted on SI didn't you?

I know it's painful but is sounds like she is done with the marriage. You need to accept the reality. If you can't then start asking yourself why you are willing to settle for begging a woman who is willing to abandon her family. You can do better in your life, and whether you know it or not watching this is not healthy for your kids. Next blow up the guys life, he deserves it, and so does your "wife".

Finally almost all (I would say all) of us who have gone through this and dumped the people who did this evil to us ended up much better for it. There is a reason people like your wife can do this. Most cheaters are people who are less evolved in the trait of empathy. Think about it could you do this to her? Even now could you? That is because you are not that type of person. For the most part these people are missing something in them that makes them a bad choice to have a long term relationship with. It's the same reason that they sleep like babies why braking the person that loved and supported them for years, while destroying their own children lives no less. Right now you see her with the cloak of love, so it is hard to see these facts. Never the less they are the facts. People like your wife are emotional vampires, they suck all the emotional love out of a relationship and then they move on to the next one when things settle down to normal, like all marriages do.

Believe me with time you will no longer care at all about your wife except for the fact that she is the mother of your children. But that will be about how her behavior affects their lives. I have only one feeling for the person who did evil to me, pity. To me she is just an undeveloped person. My life would have been hell trying to somehow teach her to be a descent person, to understand how her actions caused me pain. It was too late for her she never learn this growing, maybe she is not capable of it, who knows. THANKFULLY I found out and moved on.

There are hundreds of thousands of women out there who are looking for men like you. Once you heal you will be in demand. You can have a great life with a person who has honor. You can create a healthy relationship with someone who is capable of it. Just think of it, is your wife capable of being that example now that she is having an affair with a married man? Do you want your kids to learn this and one day follow suit? Do you want your grandchildren to be affected because your son learn to emulate his mother? My father cheated, learning that and seeing how it affected my life and my Mothers put me on the path that allows me to write this stuff on here. I never wanted to be the person who could do this.

Don't settle for less and you will be if you continue to pursue something with this broken person. Even if she comes back to you. You can still do so much better in your life. Your kids will learn from your example either way, what are you teaching them by continuing to ask her when she shows you she has no respect for you? Is this really the lesson you want them to learn? Do you want to one day see your teenage son begging for his cheating girlfriend to come back to him? Or do you want him to be strong and accept no less than to be treated with respect no matter what? I know what I would want.

 

First off you also posted on SI didn't you?

If you can't then start asking yourself why you are willing to settle for begging a woman who is willing to abandon her family. You can do better in your life, and whether you know it or not watching this is not healthy for your kids.

Over the many moons I've been around, and seen this type thing play out time and time again, I concluded there a two reason that are applicable to 90+% of the cases. First, its like the many folks that continue to hold bad investments they've made. Its a shot to the ego to "certify" you've made a mistake and your judgement was off. There's a big similarity between hanging on to a stock thinking (wishing and hoping) it will come back and holding on to a bad marriage.
Second, there are a number of guys out there who, deep down, believe they "maxed out" when they won the hand of the now disloyal wife and don't have what it takes to do better and/or don't have it in them to try. They believe letting go is just proof they are just a flop with chicks and proof they can't "hold" a woman's interest.
The third reason you hear about is that they want to stay in married to their spouse for the kids, financial reasons, don't believe in divorce, et cetera, et cetera. The majority of guys saying these things a both deceiving themselves and attempting to deceive their audience; all to save face. They really fall under the first or second reason they continue to hold out. I kinda think our boy Mel fall under number one.

 

Hi all, lurker since cracks appeared in my marriage 2 months ago and felt it time to share my story, as the posts of other helped me emensely in early days. This story could equally go into the divorce forum but it's the affair that dominates my thoughts.

Background is married for nearly 8 years, realtionship for 17 years with a small break early on, 2 boys aged 7 and 4, based in the UK. Usual issues in marriage, lack of sex, emotional interest, poor work life balance for both, very few opportunities for time alone and lack of sleep.

A few times I've voiced my frustration about the issues, occasionally threatening to leave and building emotional walls. A couple of months ago ex took one of these comments and turned it into a request for space. At this point I respected that wish and stayed with friends when I could. I gave it a 1% chance of an EA or PA at that time.

Started couples counseling but could tell she was only there to appear supportive but was cold and unengaged.

On returning home I noticed red flags, spending ages getting ready, new clothes, new underwear, shaving, new hair, long hours at work etc. A bit of light Facebook snooping revealed her telling the mums from school that I was making her unhappy and she didn't love me any more but nothing more.

Early December she planned a weekend to see family, I had my suspicions so I checked her weekend bag and found sexy underwear and directions to a hotel. As I had the kids to look after, i managed to stop myself following her but on her return, asked her a few normal questions about the weekend to see if she would own up. Nothing but I could tell she was lying.

So next morning I took her mobile, felt so guilty but opening revealed 200+ texts between her and her boss (older man, director of a large organisation who had just given her a new role and payrise...) Lots of flirting, sending descriptions of underwear and saying what a great weekend they had and how they will work through the complexities to be together. Further digging revealed he is also married with teenage kids. Took photos of all the texts.

Clearly devastated, I asked who she was with this weekend and if she was having an affair. She denied it, saying it was a friend with similar issues meeting to talk at dinner. I pushed (without revealing I had seen texts) and she eventually said they had kissed but 'there was no overlap, as it was after she asked for space'!). Further snooping showed an EA as early as June...

I asked her to stop seeing him and to work on our marriage but she refused and said she planned to move out in the new year but that he isn't the reason she was leaving. I told her I was divorcing her and filed unreasonable behaviour before Xmas, looking to agree 50/50 shared custody of boys and financial settlement through midiation. I have risen to be the better man and have bitten my tongue so many times to ensure the best for my boys. I still believe this is a likely outcome but I don't believe a word she says anymore, so am guarded.

However, in lead up to Xmas and new year, we attempted to keep civil for the boys but she continues to text, call, him, hide phone from me, meeting him for lunch and was clearly destracted from being a mother (not to mention many serious lacks of judgment such as meeting him for drink during work time, then drink driving (came home stinking of booze) with my eldest son!). So I told her I knew everything, all the texts and that is her boss and threatened to call her work to tell them. She pleaded with me, still saying she's done nothing wrong. This is the only emotion I've seen out of her in last month. I've not told her work or his wife, yet, but am tempted once financial settlement is sealed by solicitor?

Shes agreed to move out end Jan but spent new year's with him and it's eating me up inside. I can't bear the thought of them together and what they've done to our family. I know that if he hadn't told her what she wanted to hear, we would have worked through our issues and that feels so unfair.

Do I give up, let her move out, carry on with divorce or give it one final try?

Apols for length of first post but it's been great just to get this down in black and white.

Yep!

Also, read up on and implement the 180.

 

@Melrose8888

Ask her to watch these videos

Then ask her to explain what is the difference between your wife and the cheating women on the Jeremy Kyle Show?

 

@Melrose8888

Ask her to watch these videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc6-U8KkpFs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XIA_6SeT_k

Then ask her to explain what is the difference between your wife and the cheating women on the Jeremy Kyle Show?

Thanks for that Matt. I went and watched. Just like you suggested.

Now I have to scrub my eyeballs. With steel wool.

And while I'm on about it, when did the language tack an 'r' on the end of 'idea'? Even the frickin' Royals say 'idear' wink2.

 

Once she moves out (and make sure she does, aye?) and the financial settlement is done and dusted get a hold of his wife, her family and everybody who cares to listen and tell them that she's having an affair. Be matter of fact about the entire episode. I'm sure his wife would like a few photos of the texts.

Did you say he gave her a raise? Well, did you discuss this with your lawyer? It could possibly be leveraged. Do you have a list of her coworkers? If she's got a linkedin profile, that's where you need to start looking. You need to get it into your head that she is the enemy and that you're on a mission to protect your life, relationships with your kids and your dignity and that means willing to undertake black bag ops which might seem dirty and make you feel guilty.

Those serious lacks of judgement that you've listed sound ripe for the picking. Document and discuss options. Most solicitors would want a less complicated and protracted case cos it's easy money but you should still discuss your strategies to get a favourable deal.

I'm an idiot when it comes to giving emotional support advice but it sucks and I understand all too well. You're not alone, mate.

Boss-employee relationships usually end up with the female employee getting **** all in addition to all the ****ing that they do get. Crass, but the truth is disagreeable and unpalatable.

 

And personally, I would shut up about telling the OM's wife, her company etc unless I was completely convinced that she couldn't possibly compromise my life (read kids and money) by turning into a raging half mad cow overnight. Cheaters do that sometimes when they get into their heads that you're not missing them nearly as much as you should.

 

I can't understand a fvcking thing Kyle says. He might as well be speaking Martian.

 

You should come up north.

 

Don't second guess it. She's a cheater. Divorce her. Never look back

 

Once the divorce is final, I'd relish telling the HR dept and OM's wife.
Actually, it would hurt to tell the OM's wife, because I know it would hurt, but I'd do it. She deserves to know.

 

Firstly, thanks to all of you for your responses and kind / straight words of support. Apols if I don't respond to all of you.

Great first response @spicy, in answer to telling her HR department and bosses wife, we have a financial mediation session this week, where I plan to use her guilt (if any) to offer her a settlement figure that allows me to buy out her equity share of the house. Therefore, as @Grapes suggests, I'm a little nervous to rock the boat in this area until it's been sealed by my solicitor?

I feel for the OW of the POSOM but I'm not convinced I should get involved and make this a 4 way? I am kind of hoping when I tell her work, it will get back to her that way instead.

I guess I'm still not clear what exposure will achieve? Perhaps make me feel less like an enabler and hopefully stop her bad judgment caused by sneaking and lying?

I started the 180 when I had my suspicions and reading it again, I've done pretty well, a couple of fails on wanting to know her whereabouts and the occasional snide comment but that's to be expected, I think.

@lila wow! I guess it only hit home now, you are right, I was terribly unhappy. I guess I saw the kids / idea of staying being faithful etc as what we should do in these circumstances and that all will get better in time. Clearly it wasn't / didn't...

Great advice @Danny4133 the kids are, always have been, number 1 importance but it difficult watching her be so 'normal' with them when it's her turn to play mum. I love the setting me free thought, a long way off perhaps but something to hold on to.

@sokillme this is actually my first online post about this. What I realised, and gave me some comfort, it that there are loads of so similar stories. I guess it shows we are only human after all... Huge thanks for the insight into what the mother of my children is really like and you are 100% correct, my boys will be brought up to know this is unacceptable.

@weltschmerz, in UK law, nothing she does can really affect the settlement, very unfair in my opinion but the best I can hope for is to use her fear or guilt to get the best I can for the boys (I get enough cash to buy out house, they stay here 50% of the time and have a stable few years).

Looks a though keeping her out of the house and continuing divorce is current opinion of most.

Thanks for the advice and support all.

 

I am sorry for you OP as I know the pain you are feeling, by the way I thought you were this guy. You guys should have a beer.

Anyway I know that taking control of your life will help you with the pain, part of the suffering is this feeling of loss of control of ones own life. I remember it well. Being assertive gives you back that control. It's like a wave you can ride it back to the shore of healthiness, but you have to start to use it. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you are going to be alright. Use this as strength, remember if you can get through this you can get through anything. Again, if you take control it will allow you to see yourself as a strong person who overcame a terrible injustice. Not as a victim of adultery.

 

Sounds exactly like a reenactment of my first W's affair!

An older corporate VP-boss man with the promise of corporate promotion!

If I had only known everything about marital infidelity that I've learned here at TAM back then that I know now!

 

Wow... UK trash shows are pretty much just as trashy as American ones. The guest look just as typical as Americans as well. Host seems more insulting... I've avoided such crap the decades... Until now.

Watch the 3rd video when they get to the DNA tests for her daughter... The cheating woman didn't know for sure who the father was... Shaking and freaking out.

To the OP:
She is your enemy. Period.
Use leverage to get what you want.

But expose to his family after final orders. A year I believe. She deserves to know as much as you did... Right?
You didn't blow up her marriage. Her husband and your wife did.

Be strong. Don't trust your stbxw at all. Buy a VAR. Use it Everytime you interact with your stbxw... Your ride is still just starting. See a therapist as well. Hit the gym. We tell you this because we've ALL been there.

 

One of the reasons you want to expose this affair is to ensure that the soon to ex does not try to rewrite history as is often happens...there are several on here who took the high ground and are now paying the price....the exposing now may sound mean but it must be done so as protection for you in the future....be selective but definitely do it....and her family should know so the can not try to influence the kids in the future....and the ow should know because like you the should at least have options for their future, you take that away with out telling them.

 

Another reason for exposure is the potential to bring your wife back to reality. Often the OM has no intention of leaving his wife, but is rather just using your wife for sex. When his own wife finds out, he's suddenly 100% in reconciliation mode. He might throw your wife under the bus, completely cutting her out, showing her just how "true" their "true love" was. It's at that point that a WW often realizes how much "true love" she still has for her own husband. And it's at that point that you can decide whether there's enough for reconciliation.

 

And then you are stuck forever being plan B, no thanks. No one should accept this as a good deal, it's not. I feel bad for anyone who does, especially when there are SO MANY better people out there. I mean all you need is a basically decent person and you end up 1000 times better then a cheater. In my opinion no one accepts this as their fate really recovers.

 

Exposure is used to break up the affair. Few cheaters can shoulder everyone knowing what they really are.
If you want a chance to save the marriage expose. If you just want to dump her, use the affair as a bargaining chip and expose after she can't renegotiate the deal.
It is that simple.