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Really are you married??
Does your wife go to the bar without your consent?
Yes.
My wife doesn't need my consent, though she does not go to bars without me by choice. We have mutual respect for eachother and take care of our marriage. I can only control me and if there was a lack of respect on her part I would speak to her about it. If it continued then we would no longer be married. See how that works? Communication and control over one's self.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
Yes.
My wife doesn't need my consent, though she does not go to bars without me by choice. We have mutual respect for eachother and take care of our marriage. I can only control me and if there was a lack of respect on her part I would speak to her about it. If it continued then we would no longer be married. See how that works? Communication and control over one's self.
Really? I would not know,i.do not drink.
 

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I’m the oddball here where I don’t like the use of the word “controlling”. Controlling in my opinion ONLY means the use of physical force. You mentioned not “allowing” your wife to go out to a bar or something. Did you physically prevent her from doing that? If so, that is controlling. Everything else is blackmail and manipulation.

so yeah, you are into some serious manipulation.

what do you do all day?

what does your wife do at Walmart?

can you work at Walmart as well?

for someone that tracks your spouse’s movements and whatnot, it is odd to me that you are cool with her being away for 3 months. Why don’t you go with her?

you save a lot of money. Why not make more and save that too? That way you’ll have some left over to give to your kids when you are gone.
 

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So you and your wife don’t really like one another and she’s just married to you for the convenience. Why are you ok with that?
Also, why don’t you get back to flipping houses and let her stay home, then you can control her spending habits better?

Also, how does one live on a Walmart salary unless she’s a manager, and if so, how do you get 3 months iff?

Last of all, check the infidelity forum. It’s littered with stay at home dads who get cheated on and have sexless marriages.

If you want things to change for the better, start making changes. Doesn’t sound like either of you are happy.
 

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I was born and raised in a different country.

I go back and visit my parents about once a year for about 3-4 weeks. That's more than enough for me. There's no way I can stay there for 3 months!

I understand the feelings of missing your culture, food, family love and relationships. I really need to go and visit them at least once a year. My husband knows how I feel and he respects and supports my trips.

I also know and appreciate his support. I really don't spend money on stupid stuff. My husband doesn't have to "control" me because he knows I won't waste money.

I think it's a matter of common sense. If you are careless with money, it's obvious you need someone to tell you how to manage your money. If a spouse is careless with money I think the other spouse should stop it because the carelessness is going to hurt the whole family in the long run. Someone needs to be responsible.

We have friends, who make double or more of what we make, who are so deep in debt, it's really amazing to me not to realize how stupid that is!!! They'll be working past 65 while we'll be sipping margaritas in Playa del Carmen. I really don't understand their thinking.

I don't think I can be married to someone who is not financially responsible.

Why are you still married to your wife? She knows what she wants (spend money on shoes and clothes.) You'll be better off single or with someone who has the same mindset you have.
 

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I want everyone's opinion on this topic be brutally honest. I worked hard for 20 years and saved quite a bit of money I'd never been married before I got married and my wife and I settled down. I had worked hard over the years and saved all of my money.
I was fortunate enough to pay cash for the brand new house that we bought.
My job before getting married was buying houses fixing them and selling them but the economy was bad at the time and I just couldn't find anything.
My wife got a job at Walmart and started working.
I do have still quite a bit of money in the bank between what my wife was making and since our house was paid off I could stay home and take care of the new baby that just arrived.

I took my wife's paycheck every week I paid all of the bills and they're all the rest of it I put it in the bank and saved every single penny.
I don't drink I don't do any drugs I'm a stay-at-home dad 247 in the house.
My wife went to Europe from June July and August of every year I would allow her to go back to Europe and visit with her family.

Every year went like this 3 months out of the year her going back and spending the whole summer with her family and Europe. Now how many people do you know that get to do that take 3 months out of the year every single year and go to Europe on European vacation?
After several years went by she started growing resentful of the fact that I was taking her check paying all of our bills putting whatever was left over in savings and allowing her to go to Europe every year.(there are some stupid comments.yes l let her go.duh)

She felt that I should be paying for her to go to your about all the savings that I had and she should be able to spend her money on whatever she wanted.



I would like you to weigh-in on this topic ask me any questions that you want tell me was I being fair or was I being a jerk?
Dude this is as common as rain.

This is going to be a radical post and I am sure it will piss people off. Don't care. I have been reading these posts for year and everything I write her comes from repeated stories that are all the same. Posts that changed my thinking on all of this.

I think long term stay at home Dads almost always ends in disaster in my mind. Long term anyone in the marriage is always a mistake in my mind. The dynamics in today's day and age just creates too much pressure. It's particularly true with Dad's though because as far as I can tell even the most progressive women are not able to overcome the stigma of having a husband that doesn't work. Resentment is common.

Then there is the 3 months away. Another huge red flag. Married people should be together, not spending month apart.

If it were me I would be terrified. I think you are way too nice and accommodating.

I would tell her she can quit her job and take care of the kid or you can get daycare, then if I were you I would get a job that pays well. No more month long trips to Europe without you. And a couple weeks at the most. Create a budget you both pay into and mutually agreed upon spending from. Maybe allowances for each that you can use for yourselves.

Anyway I am sure that sound pretty extreme from your perspective and your wife might not like it, but she will respect it.

However, like I said I have read these stories for years, the only red flag you are missing is your wife being a nurse.

Stay at home Dad.
Spouse from a different country.
Going away for months at at time.

All are common in marriages who have big problems and eventually cheating, they are like stereotypes at this point.
 

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I want everyone's opinion on this topic be brutally honest. I worked hard for 20 years and saved quite a bit of money I'd never been married before I got married and my wife and I settled down. I had worked hard over the years and saved all of my money.
I was fortunate enough to pay cash for the brand new house that we bought.
My job before getting married was buying houses fixing them and selling them but the economy was bad at the time and I just couldn't find anything.
My wife got a job at Walmart and started working.
I do have still quite a bit of money in the bank between what my wife was making and since our house was paid off I could stay home and take care of the new baby that just arrived.

I took my wife's paycheck every week I paid all of the bills and they're all the rest of it I put it in the bank and saved every single penny.
I don't drink I don't do any drugs I'm a stay-at-home dad 247 in the house.
My wife went to Europe from June July and August of every year I would allow her to go back to Europe and visit with her family.

Every year went like this 3 months out of the year her going back and spending the whole summer with her family and Europe. Now how many people do you know that get to do that take 3 months out of the year every single year and go to Europe on European vacation?
After several years went by she started growing resentful of the fact that I was taking her check paying all of our bills putting whatever was left over in savings and allowing her to go to Europe every year.(there are some stupid comments.yes l let her go.duh)

She felt that I should be paying for her to go to your about all the savings that I had and she should be able to spend her money on whatever she wanted.



I would like you to weigh-in on this topic ask me any questions that you want tell me was I being fair or was I being a jerk?
I mean I don't know what job she has she can take off 3 months but I know all my teacher friends have the summer off and they work so hard the rest of the year that they deserve to do whatever they want to during that time. My close teacher friend always takes vacations and goes to the beach and goes to the river and all that. It's the only time she gets to benefit from all the work she does.

Certainly if that's where your wife's family is she ought to be able to visit them some. She should have equal say in where the money goes as you do. I think you're being unreasonable thinking that you get to control the money. Understand any concerns you have that she might not be as frugal as you are about saving but she is the one working. You need to change your mind about that you have a right to be in control of how it's spent just because you're the one paying the bills and then have a calm discussion with her about saving and putting the kids through college and retirement and make sure you try to get as close to on the same page as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I was born and raised in a different country.

I go back and visit my parents about once a year for about 3-4 weeks. That's more than enough for me. There's no way I can stay there for 3 months!

I understand the feelings of missing your culture, food, family love and relationships. I really need to go and visit them at least once a year. My husband knows how I feel and he respects and supports my trips.

I also know and appreciate his support. I really don't spend money on stupid stuff. My husband doesn't have to "control" me because he knows I won't waste money.

I think it's a matter of common sense. If you are careless with money, it's obvious you need someone to tell you how to manage your money. If a spouse is careless with money I think the other spouse should stop it because the carelessness is going to hurt the whole family in the long run. Someone needs to be responsible.

We have friends, who make double or more of what we make, who are so deep in debt, it's really amazing to me not to realize how stupid that is!!! They'll be working past 65 while we'll be sipping margaritas in Playa del Carmen. I really don't understand their thinking.

I don't think I can be married to someone who is not financially responsible.

Why are you still married to your wife? She knows what she wants (spend money on shoes and clothes.) You'll be better off single or with someone who has the same mindset you have.
Finally someone who makes sense.
Why am I married???
Good question.
I want to see the kids 24 7 .
Period.
Otherwise we would have divorced during our separation.
We are different in many aspects.
Same country same background religion etc.
Not on the same page as they say.
You hit the nail on the head.
Thank you.
Instead of attacking me for behavior like everyone here (and actually your reading what's being written)you hit at the heart of the matter.
NOT COMPATIBLE.NOT LIKE MINDED.
Saving for child's education is more important then buying new shoes or clothes.
I don't buy fancy new shoes or clothes.
I buy walmart crappy tennis shoes for 15.00.
She buys 100 Nikes.
I have 6500 saved in college fund from.just quarters alone.

I've been married so long I have not spent any time developing friendships of my own.
Let alone find another woman

I've become bitter ,angry and cynical.
I used to love having sex.
Now I don't even want to touch her.
My mental state is very poor.

It's funny how no one here addressed the issue of going to Europe each year but only address my controlling behavior.
Have you ever heard of a man who was so controlling that will let his wife run off to Europe for 3 months each and every year???
 

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yeah, unless you get a job, you really can not ding her for saying you are lazy and not helping her out!

why not buy a run down house nearby, and work on renovating it and flipping it. Here in the USA, houses like that are selling for top dollar after they are fixed up. THAT would be a job that you are well qualified to do. You could fix up a room for the kids to stay in at the renovation house during the day when you worked.

another idea, take the whole family overseas for a 3 month visit with the family this year.
 

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yeah, unless you get a job, you really can not ding her for saying you are lazy and not helping her out!
Did you read in his OP what he said? read below.

I do have still quite a bit of money in the bank between what my wife was making and since our house was paid off I could stay home and take care of the new baby that just arrived.
The dude has sufficient funds (I don't know if enough to retire already) to take care of the household/child care and finances, while the wife has a job at Walmart (how much can you earn at Walmart?) spending too much of the combined funds on material things and being subsidized by the OP to spend three months of the year at her home country with her family.

what about this:

She felt that I should be paying for her to go to your about all the savings that I had and she should be able to spend her money on whatever she wanted.
Isn't this your typical entitled woman who thinks that her money is hers and that his money is hers also?

I think that a lot of people here are viewing OP as a controlling ****, but I see a man that is controlling finances while he is not working and whatever she makes to ensure that they don't eventually find themselves in the red, while ensuring that funds are being saved for the children's college fund.

Like OP says, how controlling can you be when your wife gets to spend three months of the year away in the home country. How many of you let your wife spend three months vacations every year?
 

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I've become bitter ,angry and cynical.
I used to love having sex.
Now I don't even want to touch her.
My mental state is very poor.
So, basically, you're bitter, angry, cynical, she busts her ass at a **** job to earn while you stay at home and control her and her money. Oh, and you're not having sex, either.
Personally, based on what you've written and the attitude just dripping through the screen, I hope she is either having the best sex of her life with a co-worker while planning her exit.
 

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So, basically, you're bitter, angry, cynical, she busts her ass at a **** job to earn while you stay at home and control her and her money. Oh, and you're not having sex, either.
Personally, based on what you've written and the attitude just dripping through the screen, I hope she is either having the best sex of her life with a co-worker while planning her exit.
That’s rough. Really rough
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
I’m the oddball here where I don’t like the use of the word “controlling”. Controlling in my opinion ONLY means the use of physical force. You mentioned not “allowing” your wife to go out to a bar or something. Did you physically prevent her from doing that? If so, that is controlling. Everything else is blackmail and manipulation.

so yeah, you are into some serious manipulation.

what do you do all day?

what does your wife do at Walmart?

can you work at Walmart as well?

for someone that tracks your spouse’s movements and whatnot, it is odd to me that you are cool with her being away for 3 months. Why don’t you go with her?

you save a lot of money. Why not make more and save that too? That way you’ll have some left over to give to your kids when you are gone.
Tracks her movements?
Some of these responses are out to lunch.

I never use physical force.
Furthermore your not reading all the responses.so ur not getting the full picture.
It doesn't seem like some of you are actually interested and understand what's going on, getting a full picture and making a comment it
yeah, unless you get a job, you really can not ding her for saying you are lazy and not helping her out!

why not buy a run down house nearby, and work on renovating it and flipping it. Here in the USA, houses like that are selling for top dollar after they are fixed up. THAT would be a job that you are well qualified to do. You could fix up a room for the kids to stay in at the renovation house during the day when you worked.

another idea, take the whole family overseas for a 3 month visit with the family this year.
Duh
like some of you're just nosy and want detailed information.
That’s rough. Really rough
I hope so.too.
Then he can come and help move her 12 boxes of shoes.
Did you read in his OP what he said? read below.



The dude has sufficient funds (I don't know if enough to retire already) to take care of the household/child care and finances, while the wife has a job at Walmart (how much can you earn at Walmart?) spending too much of the combined funds on material things and being subsidized by the OP to spend three months of the year at her home country with her family.

what about this:



Isn't this your typical entitled woman who thinks that her money is hers and that his money is hers also?

I think that a lot of people here are viewing OP as a controlling ****, but I see a man that is controlling finances while he is not working and whatever she makes to ensure that they don't eventually find themselves in the red, while ensuring that funds are being saved for the children's college fund.

Like OP says, how controlling can you be when your wife gets to spend three months of the year away in the home country. How many of you let your wife spend three months vacations every year?
Perfectly said.
Woman says ITS MY MONEY MUTHERFKER.
OH BUT YOUR MONEY IS MINE TOO.
EVEN THOUGH I SIGNED A PRENUP IF WE DIVORCE I GET TO KEEP ALL my MONEY BUT I GET HALF OF YOURS TOO.

That's women today they want equality alright, equal share of the whole pie
 
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