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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for a year and a half and were together for five years before that. Her sex drive began dropping shortly before our wedding but we thought it was just cold feet and the stresses of planning the wedding. The issue just got worse with time. We have currently gone seven months without any sexual interactions. I have been giving her space for the past four months and have changed a lot of my negative habits that were "turn-offs" for her. The other day when discussing the situation she mentioned allowing me to find sex somewhere else. This really caught me by surprise since we have always promised faithfulness to each other. I have absolutely no desire to find sex elsewhere and do not see that changing anytime soon. I am just concerned with why she would suddenly be OK with me cheating. I'm wondering if it is a test, or if she cheated on me and feels guilty, or if she feels like she cannot satisfy my needs and wants me to be happy? I want to discuss this further with her but I do not want to accuse her of cheating and have no idea how to approach the conversation. When asked she told me that she has no desire to sleep with anyone else. At the time, I told her that she was the only one that I wanted to have sex with and that was the end of the conversation.
 

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Either she has some serious mental health issues or physical issues or she's not attracted to you.

Your marriage is on dangerous ground. You need to do something drastic here.

You sound like a nice guy but also a doormat. That's not attractive.

Please tell her as things stand they are unacceptable to you. That you will not be unfaithful, as that opens a can of worms and you will not justify her behaviour by being unfaithful and letting her think it's ok to shut you out. That you also won't stay in a sexless marraige (you have to mean it) you married her to be emotionally and sexually close to her and no other and she is robbing you of that. She is cheating your marriage and you deserve a loving mutually satisfying marriage.
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Was she enthusiastic about getting married?

What kind of place do you live?

How old are the two of you?

Does she work?

What does each of you make generally?

How active sexually was she before?

Do either of you have a lot of money?

Does she have a history of any mental illness?

How many and how long were her prior relationships?

What are her thoughts on kids and religion? Is she hoping for another Immaculate Conception?

How many chores do you do around the house?

How 'nice' are you to her?

What is your BMI? What was it when you met?

How is it your 'negative habits' weren't a turn off before but suddenly they are?

Are you as troubled about the timing of this as I am?

What are the laws about divorce splits and does co-habitation time also count? At what point is alimony a given?
 
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Who cares if she's cheating? She's not being a wife, so what is she? Your roommate or a house guest that doesn't know when it's time to leave? When the frequency of sex drops around the time of the marriage ceremony, I strongly suspect a bait and switch. Whatever your "turn-offs" were, they existed when you were just dating her and they didn't prevent her from having sex with you. Mice probably notice that the trap springs about the same time they take the cheese, too. Seven months without sex and the ink isn't even dry on your marriage certificate. Get out now. If you don't, the next trap will be her getting pregnant and then she'll have even more leverage over you, less reason to have sex with you, and more excuses not to.
 

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I have been married for a year and a half and were together for five years before that. Her sex drive began dropping shortly before our wedding
...
The issue just got worse with time. We have currently gone seven months without any sexual interactions.
...
The other day when discussing the situation she mentioned allowing me to find sex somewhere else.
These are signs of an PA. Not that is means it must be one. Look for other signs. Don't discuss this with her.

At the same time change your stance about sex in marriage. Man up.
MMSL, NMMNG are your leads.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Was she enthusiastic about getting married?
Yes

What kind of place do you live?
In an apartment.

How old are the two of you?
22 and 23

Does she work?
Yes and she just went back to college, she also started a new job a few months before the sex completely stopped. She was a receptionist at a salon and is now a waiter/bartender.
I also work and go to college.

What does each of you make generally?
Combined around 35k a year.

How active sexually was she before?
Very.

Do either of you have a lot of money?
No.

Does she have a history of any mental illness?
Not that I know of.

How many and how long were her prior relationships?
A few, all a year or more.

What are her thoughts on kids and religion? Is she hoping for another Immaculate Conception?
We were both raised Catholic but do not practice or recognize.

How many chores do you do around the house?
Before next to none, but started to once I realized how bad the issue was.

How 'nice' are you to her?
Before I could have been nicer, but that has also changed.

What is your BMI? What was it when you met?
I don't know the exact number but I put on a little bit of weight a few years after we got together but I began dieting and exercising a year ago and I am close to what I was when we met.

How is it your 'negative habits' weren't a turn off before but suddenly they are?
I believe her frustrations with me continued to build till she reached a breaking point.

Are you as troubled about the timing of this as I am?
Yeah.

What are the laws about divorce splits and does co-habitation time also count? At what point is alimony a given?
I have not looked into it.
 

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When you weren't "nice" you were having sex. Sex dropped off, you started jumping through hoops and you're still not having sex. Doesn't sound like being "nice" is working for you. She became less interested in sex around the same time she started working her new job as a waitress/bartender? Think maybe she's found someone interesting at work?
 

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you are WAY WAY WAY too young to settle for a roommate situation when you want a wife. you cannot resign yourself to a life of celibacy when you want more. as sweet and nice as she might be, your resentment will grow and grow and you will become someone you don't like, and you might take her up on her totally wacky, sicko, crazy offer of cheating. She's telling you to cheat before your first anniversary? that is BAD BAD BAD news. this does not bode well for your marriage and the writing is on the wall.
 

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I would decrease your communication with her, and start engaging in other (non-sexual) activities outside the marriage. Ultimately she has to understand that sex is a part of a relationship and that you cannot have an overall happy marriage without it. However, saying this, will lead her to believe you are the same old needy person seeking her beautiful self.
You have to develop some desirability and independence and find a way to enable her to figure this out on her own.

That said, you should check and re-check contraception if you do, because you two are an unhappy couple and should not even be thinking about children. I have doubts about whether she wants to be married. As others said, there are questions about other emotional attachments.
 

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It's time to think long and hard on this marriage. As others have mentioned, DO NOT get her pregnant.

I too suggest that you start investigating whether or not she's met someone at this new job. Bars are notorious pick-up places and if this is happening I'm sure the other man (OM) is a regular there

Get a VAR for her car, get copies of the last few months of her cell phone bill and look for ALOT of texts/calls to one or 2 numbers that you don't recognize. Get a keylogger on the PC now.

Do some reading in the infidelity section to educate your self

Again, I am NOT saying she IS cheating but I think it's something you should rule out

If she isn't cheating, all I can tell you is that your sex life will NOT get better with the passage of time, especially if children come into the marriage. You may want to go your seperate ways while the two of you are still young
 

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Your first step should be to investigate the possibility of an affair. Put keylogger software on your PC to check her email and Facebook messages. Look at her cell phone bill to see if there are many calls/texts to a particular number or numbers that you don't recognize. If you get detailed billing, check the history on her phone. If she regularly clears it, that's a red flag. You can put spyware on her phone so that you get copies of her texts and a record of her calls.

Also, put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car. If she's talking to another man, she is likely doing it in her car where she has the most privacy.

If you find evidence of an affair, come back to this thread so we can advise you on how to proceed. Don't just rush off to her and confront her. You need a plan.

If you don't find evidence of an affair, then you need to read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. Run the MAP to try to become more attractive. Right now, your wife isn't attracted to you. You have to try to change that.

Also, consider birth control. Did she start on the pill shortly before her loss of libido? If so, that could explain things. Some women just lose all desire when on the pill. The same thing is possible with anti-depressants.

Make sure you're doing your part around the house, but no more. And make sure she's doing her part as well. If you work longer hours than she does, you should do less housework. And vice versa.
 

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There are two infidelity bumps in cheating. One is at the early twenties.

Another is during the 40's. She is going to COLLEGE...AND A BAR.

Nope. No red flags there.

Read Married Man's Sex Life Primer (ignore his obsession about ovulation...seriously. And any advice which would cause your wife to kick you in the balls is probably not a good idea. Otherwise is has some good stuff)

But here is the MAIN problem for me.

You told us you were with her for 6.5 years? And you are 23.

She doesn't know what she wants. She has no idea what marriage entails. And yet now she finds she is saddled with you FOREVER. That is her way of looking at things.

You are probably a decent guy, but you two married a trifle early and her prior relationships? You mean when she was popping her gum in HIGH SCHOOL? That is not a 'relationship.'
 

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Does she work?
Yes and she just went back to college, she also started a new job a few months before the sex completely stopped. She was a receptionist at a salon and is now a waiter/bartender.
Your answer might lie therein ................above. Just a thought...
 

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She is cheating, or cheated.

It really is that simple.
 

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I am guessing that 1. She has already cheated or 2. She is thinking about cheating.

People do not usually suggest getting sex out side of the marriage unless there is someone else in the picture or they are thinking about it..

I would look into it if i were you..
 

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Not to scare you, but it sounds like she is seeing someone.

That would be my guess.

Getting married at 22 / 23 years old isn't that young. I got married around that age and I was emotionally fine with it.

You seem to be a very nice guy, a little too nice and some women like the bad boy, treat them not the greatest type of a guy and not the good boy.....
 
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