[xanadu96]

Married 5 years have a 1.5 year old daughter. My wife says she is done and wants me to have a vasectomy. I can't say that I am done now. I am 34 wife is 32. We've only had sex a few times since birth of child. Our marriage has been badover the last year with a lot of fighting. She refuses to have sex unless I get snipped and is blaming me for our sexless marriage. I don't feel as I am mentally ready to end the possibility of children. Advice?
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[SadSamIAm]

Tough decision.

Why doesn't she want more children? Is it because she isn't happy in the marriage or is it because she just wants one child?

Is the marriage bad because of the no sex or is it bad for other reasons?

If I loved my wife and I knew she loved me and our marriage was good, I would probably settle with one child and have the vasectomy.

If there were problems in the marriage and she withheld sex even before the 'vasectomy demand', then I would tell her that you aren't having a vasectomy because you think the marriage may end.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Married 5 years. Sexless for the last 1.5 years. Blame shifting. And she wants you to make a permanent change in your body and ability to have children.

Um, no.

Look, fix the marriage first. To me this is kind of like a wife asking me to tattoo her name on my neck to prove my love a week after filing for divorce. Why would you do that? The big V is no big deal if you're in a "real" and "permanent" marriage. But a sexless one with lots of fighting? In that case, do ONLY what YOU want to do.

 

[anotherguy]

Married 5 years. Sexless for the last 1.5 years. Blame shifting. And she wants you to make a permanent change in your body and ability to have children.

Um, no.

Look, fix the marriage first. To me this is kind of like a wife asking me to tattoo her name on my neck to prove my love a week after filing for divorce. Why would you do that? The big V is no big deal if you're in a "real" and "permanent" marriage. But a sexless one with lots of fighting? In that case, do ONLY what YOU want to do.

:iagree:

wow. Thats a couple threads in a row I find myself agreeing with WorkingOnMe. The planets must be in alighnment or something.

 

[BeachGuy]

Please do not do this if you're not ready. She is being pretty mean to hold you hostage like that. Why can't she take the pill and you use protection if she's that concerned?

She's just using this as an excuse to continue not having sex with you. You get snipped and nothing will change.

What a BS thing for her to do.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

What can I say, I'm in an agreeable mood!

 

[lovetopleasewife]

I agree with the other post. Fix the marriage first and if you both decide no kids, then get a vasectomy.

I think there are a ton of other issues. Did she want to get pregnant the first time? Was it planned?

 

[Jane_Doe]

Yeah, I'd suggest SHE make changes if she doesn't want more kids. An IUD is not particularly invasive and has the same success rate as sterilisation (99.9%).

 

[thunderstruck]

Yup, WorkingOnMe nailed it.

If your W is that big on protection, let her go under the knife. I'm shooting blanks, but it was my choice. Do not do this unless you are 100% sure that you NEVER want another child with ANY woman.

 

[indiecat]

You could tell her that you want to work on the fighting and tension in the marriage before you seriously consider vasectomy.

Will she agree to marriage counseling? For the sake of your child it is essential to go for MC. If the marriage has been bad over the past year then you really need to do this. If she won't go then go alone.

It's well worth the money spent. You can't put a price on misery.

I believe that if you do ultimately decide on vasectomy that you can bank your sperm just in case.

In any event if it were me, I would wait until your child is at least 4 to make such a big decision. Your wife may be very overwhelmed by motherhood at this point in time. Do you do a lot to help with the baby? You may want to try doing more if that is a problem between you.

 

[iheartlife]

I'm a woman.

DON'T DO IT.

If the two of you got along well, communicated well, and you had some sort of other reason--say you had a genetic condition you were fearful passing on to children--then, that would be one thing.

But your marriage is not in a good and loving place--and this is a decision that should only be made under those conditions.

Here's a question for you.
Getting your tubes tied is now an in-office procedure that's no more uncomfortable or painful than getting a vasectomy. Insurance covers it. So if SHE'S done, why didn't she offer to get her tubes tied? But I wouldn't suggest it, because she sounds like she just might go out and do it unilaterally without discussing it with you first.

 

[Relic]

In principle, I agree with WorkingOnMe.

In reality, I might just get the vasectomy.

You're 34 in a bad marriage.
Do you want to bring another child into the world with a bad marriage?
At 34, might you separate, divorce, date, marry, and have a baby with another woman?

I agree with everything WorkingOnMe said, but I wonder if the timing might be right anyway, and then you don't have to let this issue be your Waterloo.

But a vasectomy is a very final answer. You know yourself best and you shouldn't do it unless you're sure.

Your wife has manoeuvred you into a tough spot. She is telling you she is done with kids. So if you're standing your ground insisting that you are not 100% sure you're done with kids, then she will read that as, "well, you're not having any more kids with me, so whom are you planning on having kids with?" Well played on her part.

Maybe it's already over.

Tough situation.

Get snipped or hang tough.

 

[wiigirl]

I agree with the other post. Fix the marriage first and if you both decide no kids, then get a vasectomy.

I think there are a ton of other issues. Did she want to get pregnant the first time? Was it planned?

:iagree:

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[Chris Taylor]

Why can't you use condoms, resume the sex life and then discuss the vaz later when the marriage is more stable?

 

[Toffer]

Tell her to get her tubes tied if she doesn't want any more kids!

 

[momtwo4]

I personally find it very manipulative to try to force someone to get sterilized when they do not want to. Sterilization should be a mutual decision. It is a very permanent choice to make. If you do not feel prepared to completely close the door on more children FOREVER, I would not do it. Your wife is very selfish to demand that of you and with hold sex. If she is so adamant against future children she should get an iud. They are very effective.

And she should also not run off to get her tubes tied before coming to an agreement with you on the matter. Fertility (or the lack of), like sex, is something that both partners should feel comfortable with.

 

[diwali123]

She is being manipulative. Let me tell you two stories: one was a woman who had an 8 year old and got engaged in her 40's to a man in his 40's and said she wouldn't marry unless he got the big V first. He got the V and two weeks later she broke it off.
My h's ex asked him to get v after their 2nd was born and then almost immediately started looking for his replacement. She wanted to be sure he couldn't have kid's with anyone else.
Don't do it! If she won't use other protection then she really doesn't want to have sex and that is her issue.
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[WorkingOnMe]

The thing is, you're going to feel like quite a fool when you have this surgery and then still don't get sex.

 

[BrockLanders]

Tell her you won't have sex with her until she gets some massive fake cans you can play with.

 

[mikeyb]

Yup, WorkingOnMe nailed it.

If your W is that big on protection, let her go under the knife. I'm shooting blanks, but it was my choice. Do not do this unless you are 100% sure that you NEVER want another child with ANY woman.

This is obviously the answer. If SHE doesn't want any more, SHE should take care of it.