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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi I am new here and have been looking for a place like this to talk to people that understand my problem.
My wife and I are in low 30s and got married in 06 and I love her to death always have. I know she loves me too but she has lots of mental issuses that make the relationship hard most of the time. I would have to write a 100 page book to explain my whole situation but I will just try sum it up for you.

Her main issues are: She has bulimia which was real bad in high school and college but now 10 year later she has it under control pretty well. She has OCD very bad cleaning constantly which drives me nuts sometimes. She has bad depression as well as real bad body image.

My wife has went to consuling several times but soon as she starts doing better she thinks she can handle it and quits going. Then within a few months we are back to the same old rut. NOW HERE IS ONE OF THE MAIN PROBLEM...we live way up north and it is a 4 hr drive to a concleer and they want her to come in 2x a week. Well how does anyone keep a job and meet 2 x a week when you have to take the whole day off to do it???

I dont know what do because if she is not at work she is either sleeping or cleaning. She says if she is sleeping she is not thinking about eating and cleaning help her stay busy so she is not eating. I will tell you she has gotten over the bingeing and purging for the most part but is really obsessive about food still. She wont hardly eat in front of people she knows which sucks because we can never go out with some of my friends for a couples dinner date type thing even at christmas dinner she will only eat a little then when one of our 250lb aunt says here try come cake or pie she says no I cant I am too fat but then the next sentence tell them they should have a piece:scratchhead: She has really no friends maybe 2 other than her sister because she will only friend someone who is bigger not just bigger than her but what I would consider a large lady. I think she thinks they make her look smaller IDK? I should mention that my wife is 5'8" size 8 dress and 36D. IMO she has nothing to hide acuallly I think she is damn hot but she dresses like she is 350lb alot of the time. Sex is usually once a week if I beg alot and if it was up to her 2x a year maybe but it is usually with her **** on which really sucks with all that hot body under there. Lately it seems she is more depressed and lazy I dont know why we both have good jobs with no money trouble.

Another problem we have is we have thought about kids but she has had problems with fibroids in her uterus and plus all the meds she takes for her mental problems kids are not looking good for us. I dont even see how she can get off the prozac she was on 80mg trying to get off she started taking 60 then 40 but she is almost impossible to handle below 40mg.

If we lived in a big city like chicago or new york this probably would be a lot easier but when you are in the middle of nowhere if feels like we are kinda on are own with this. She almost has to quit her job to try and fix these problems. I mentioned maybe there is a web cam type thing we could look for but she said no she doesnt like being on camera:mad: some times I get so mad I want to give up but an hour later I am back to thinking about how I can fix her. I have tried many trips to the caribbean but after a couple days she wants to come home. I just dont know what to try lift her spirits...

Again sorry this seems like I am just rambleing but I have wanted to tell someone my story for so many years I cant tell it fast enough. Thanks in advance for any help or advice!
 

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There is a web cam type thing we could look for but she said no she doesnt like being on camera:mad:
Stuck, welcome to the TAM forum. The web cam is a wonderful idea. It is pointless to spend 8 hours driving to see a therapist you can see, in a few seconds, by flipping a switch on the Internet. I suggest you go ahead and obtain the web cam and show her how easily it works.
I am back to thinking about how I can fix her.
You can't fix her. A team of psychologists cannot fix her. They can only give her guidance. She must want to fix herself. The fixing, you see, is an inside job.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thanks for the reply. I just looked over my first post and it is really worse than it appears but you get the picture. Her life revolves around 1.eating 2.sleeping 3. cleaning 4.work and that is 99% of her day. She has had last 3 days off and she has slept around 49-50 hrs....very sad:(
 

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Stuck, so much of the population of Alaska lives in remote areas that it is common for therapists and medical doctors to conduct business there (e.g., therapy sessions and checkups) on the Internet using cameras. Indeed, many of the people are so remotely located that landlines don't reach there. The rural folks therefore rely heavily on satellite communication for Internet connections.

For that reason, Alaska has been receiving more in high-cost telecom support than any other state in the union. Here in the lower 48 states, we are gradually moving in that direction as broadband connections to the home are increasing in speed and capacity. I don't know how far north you and your W live but what I'm suggesting is that you start doing what is commonplace in rural Alaska -- and what will be commonplace in the lower 48 in the not too distant future. It's time to live life on the cutting edge, Stuck.
 

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Hi Stuck, just wanted to share an anecdote I heard from an addiction specialist lecturing about enabling.

There's a ship at see, at night in a terrible storm. Man falls overboard and as he's being carried out to sea screaming for help a crew member miraculously not only hears his call but also sees him in the huge waves surrounded by black turbulent waters. The man is in immediate danger of drowning. The crew member sounds the alarm, grabs a life ring tied to a rope and for a second miracle that night, the life ring actually reaches the drowning man.

But the man doesn't grab a hold of it and instead tosses it back to the ship.

The crew is incredulous! "WTF dude, grab the life ring so we can pull you to safety!"

So the man yells back, you threw me the yellow ring, I hate yellow. Please send me a white one instead.
 

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So the man yells back, you threw me the yellow ring, I hate yellow. Please send me a white one instead.
Nice metaphor, Pink. You are describing my BPDer exW. The only difference is that, whenever I would toss her the ring, she would grab it and allow me to pull her up from the raging seas. As soon as I turned my head, however, she would jump right back into the water. Of course, she never really wanted to be saved. Rather, she only wanted continuous validation of her false self image of being "The Victim." Always being "The Victim."
 

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My husband's middle name is Victim. He would have criticized me for how I threw the life ring to him, and how I could've killed him if I had hit him in the head with it like I almost did...how could I be so careless? ;)

OP: your wife should be seeing a psychiatrist for better medical management of her bulimia and OCD (which are directly related for sure). Prozac for someone in her severe state is like a sugar pill. She needs better control by medication before she could even possibly have the presence of mind to benefit from counseling.

Is there a way she could go to an inpatient program for a month or two? Yes it would mean having to miss work, but she is NOT living a real life as it is right now anyway. She's obviously miserable and is content to let you drown in her misery with her. Take whatever drastic measures are needed to get her the help she needs. If she still refuses, you've done all you can, and as Uptown said, it's not up to you to fix her. At that point, as harsh as it might sound, you might just have to let her drown and save yourself. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Prozac is like a sugar pill? not following what you mean....My wife tells me it is the only med she will take because the rest all cause weight gain. I dont know thats what she said her doctor said a couple years ago. She usually takes 80mg and she is somewhat happy with herself then but recently tried going down to 40 trying to get off the prozac in hopes to be able to try have a baby but when she takes less than 80 she gets very depressed. Do you think she will come out of it eventually?

She did a inpatient program for 30 days many years ago and that helped her get off laxitives and lessened the binge and purge but the binge and purge came back. Today I think she is almost done with that although she says she thinks about it alot kind of like a alchoholic never gets over it you live with that the rest of your life.

Is there any medications that would be good for her to try that dont cause weight gain? She would rather die than gain 20lbs but maybe in the right frame of mind she wouldnt mind 20lbs.....idk? I would rather her gain 100lbs and have her happy than this hell we have now. Every single min. of every day revolves around eating or I should say not eating. We always have to go where there is salad or she wont eat.
 

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Having kids should be VERY low on your wife's priority list, in my opinion. And you should be taking control (and doubling up!) on the birth control. The OCD/cleaning, weight & self-image issues, depression, inability to manage her time now, mental issues... NONE of these things are likely to get better through a pregnancy and a child after. Plus you'll have post-partum depression, sleeplessness, financial stress from one income...

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Pbear I hear ya loud and clear and have not pulled any goalies. I am not looking to bring a kid into this situation untill it gets better.

I was acually thinking with some new meds that worked a kid might give her something to do other than clean and think about eating. I have told her though I dont want to bring a kid into this mess unless you can straighten yourself out first.

I also think some of her depression comes from wanting kids and the good chance she cant have any. She has said "why me why me everything I have is F t up even my uterus is junk!" I cant help but feeling bad for her and thinking ya you got the short end of the stick.

Sad thing is she puts everyone else first and she will just keep on like this because she doesnt want to cause anyone else any trouble or cause any extra work for anyone. She would give a stranger her coat in a blizzard if they asked for it.
 

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Pbear I hear ya loud and clear and have not pulled any goalies. I am not looking to bring a kid into this situation untill it gets better.

I was acually thinking with some new meds that worked a kid might give her something to do other than clean and think about eating. I have told her though I dont want to bring a kid into this mess unless you can straighten yourself out first.

I also think some of her depression comes from wanting kids and the good chance she cant have any. She has said "why me why me everything I have is F t up even my uterus is junk!" I cant help but feeling bad for her and thinking ya you got the short end of the stick.

Sad thing is she puts everyone else first and she will just keep on like this because she doesnt want to cause anyone else any trouble or cause any extra work for anyone. She would give a stranger her coat in a blizzard if they asked for it.
Speaking from my personal experience, after being married to someone who puts others first... YOU will be one of the priorities that gets pushed down if kids come into play. Your sex life, your needs, etc. And you're the one that's going to have to pick up the slack if your wife gets overwhelmed.

C
 

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Pbear I really appreciate your comments and I think you are dead on.
You're welcome. I really do hope things work out for you, and it sounds like being a great supportive husband. But there's only so much you can do for someone that's been struggling their entire life with these things. And the fact that there's nobody nearby to help you (and your wife's refusal do do something online) are definitely strikes against you.

Have you looked at just a phone counsellor? Instead of web-cam?

C
 

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Hi stuck, I'm relieved to know you don't plan on having children until your wife's health is reliably healthy.

She has some very deep troubles, things that medication alone will not clear. She has thinking errors and perception errors and these cause her to behave in unreasonable, unhealthy and sometimes unmanageable ways. Her issues will take intensive treatment, for a prolonged period of time. This treatment typically consist of weekly, at least, therapy sessions along with medication management. I'm not very conversant on eating disorders but my understanding is that to really get a handle on dealing with this life long issue, inpatient stay is recommended. During the inpatient stay, she will not be able to engage in her OCD behaviors and instead will have to deal with her demons in a guided and supportive atmosphere. Sounds scary but the right facility will make a huge difference.

WhenI talked about those man a sea I was trying to illustrate how your wife is placing limitations on what kind of help she is willing to get. Well, when you are drowning, you take the first thing available, right?

You are her loving husband and so you look out for her and make accommodations for her, seems reasonable and even noble. But in this case, she is slowing pulling you into the sea with her. Your love for her keeps you from realizing just how crazy your daily routine has become to accommodate her illness.

You are here because you want to find support and help for her. Excellent. You live in a place that has some big hurdles to getting help. The best way for her to have the intensive therapy would be to web cam with therapist. But she has said no because of her illness. There is a life preserver available to her, the web cam therapy session, but she can't cope with being on camera. On the face it seems sort of reasonable. But, she is so used to being ill she doesn't even notice half of her behaviors. Whereas anyone else suddenly being burdened with her symptoms would move hell and high water to get rid of them. She has grown used to being in the sea, tossed by the waves, cold and wet. She would rather wait for the right color.

Here is where you come in big guy!

Don't let her wait. Put your foot down, in a loving way, but be firm. Honey, your life is miserable due to your illness. Our life together needs to get better because I love you I want you healthy! This has to work and you have to work it.

Find a therapist (psychologist with a PhD) who can treat her via web cam at least weekly. She's going to need new meds which means a psychiatrist (a medical degree doctor who specializes in psychiatric disorders) Psychiatrists suck at talk therapy but they are the only ones allowed to prescribe meds. They typically work with psychologists(the PhD) who do the talk therapy.

Waking up to life was right Prozac is an antidepressant and a fairly mild one at that. Shes gonna need a new medication. Another life ring your wife will toss back because of her body issues. This is why in patient treatment for eating disorders is the first thing recommended as soon as the team is comfortable with a dx.

may I ask you how much does your wife weigh currently? Does she allow you to see the scale? Does she allow you to see her completely nude? These are the type of accommodations many husbands make with a wife with eating disorders and they only perpetuate the belief that her body is disgusting and can't be seen.

I wonder what her answer would be if you asked her, How would you like to be in love with your body? How would you like to believe, really honestly whole heartedly believe that your body is simpy gorgeous?

I have over done it, as usual. Please know that you need support too. This is a lot on your shoulders and I can see that you are trying your level best to do what's right by her. You're a good guy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
anon Thanks for the info I am going to start doing some research on these things.

As for the questions of weight and things.....she weighs about 140 last time I saw. Years ago she would never let me see but she has come a long ways and over the last year or two I have saw a couple times she even told me once because she was proud she lost a few pounds. She does not like me seeing her nude most of the time but occationaly she will let me see with out grabbing a towel and hiding. If she only could see how that makes my week seeing a little skin but she says she is doing me a favor by covering up.
I always tell her I feel like Shallow Hal the guy in the movie that sees his girlfriend as this super hottie but she sees herself as this fat nasty looking chick. I seriously wonder if I have the beer googles on or what because I think she it way too hot for me!
 

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Glad to know she seems to be a healthy weight and her avoidance isn't too far off the scale.

As you begin this journey of getting appropriate treatment for your wife, might I suggest you not allow her to use ANY derogatory self defacing statements. Seriously, if she says Dont look at me I'm to fat, you make her apologize. How dare she think so little of your opinion? Who is she to tell you that your own eyes are wrong? Stop allowing her and force her to stop saying these things about herself. Make her say "My husband thinks I'm beautiful and one day soon I will believe him to be right."

These are self rewarding negatives. She voices her disgust because she feels that. You give her reassurance hoping to sway her, but you're really reinforcing her complaints. Does that make sense?

She says, "I cant go there because I'm fat and they don't have salads."

Your say, "I told you I can't listen to you hate on yourself anymore. I'm serious! I want you to apologize by repeating this... My husband thinks I'm beautiful and soon I will believe him."

You may have to tweak this to suit your style but I hope you get the gist..
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
If a guy was able to somehow work out a inpatient treatment. Does anyone know where is THE place to go for OCD and eating disorders? I would be willing to go anywhere in the US or canada for this treatment.

One thing that still has me wondering is someone a few posts back said prozac is like a sugar pill to her. What the heck does that mean?
 

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If a guy was able to somehow work out a inpatient treatment. Does anyone know where is THE place to go for OCD and eating disorders? I would be willing to go anywhere in the US or canada for this treatment.

One thing that still has me wondering is someone a few posts back said prozac is like a sugar pill to her. What the heck does that mean?
I made that comment. I don't mean to minimize how much Prozac can be of help to some people, but it sounds like in your wife's case, Prozac is barely scratching the surface as far as getting her the amount of help she needs. Her mind is not in a place to even be thinking logically or rationally. Yes Prozac helps with depression, but it's not likely to do much for her OCD and it's obviously not helping with her eating disorder. She needs more intensive evaluation and medical management...probably some anti-anxiety medications, perhaps some anti-psychotic meds (not saying she's psychotic, but these meds can help normalize thinking processes). Plus, medication without intensive psychological therapy (counseling) isn't going to be as effective...she needs both. Hope that makes sense.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Makes sense....I think what she has noticed and her doctor said the prozac works very well for taking away that urge to binge and purge which it seems to have worked very well indeed.

I am thinking she needs a few things added like you said for the ocd and other stuff.
 

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If a guy was able to somehow work out a inpatient treatment. Does anyone know where is THE place to go for OCD and eating disorders? I would be willing to go anywhere in the US or canada for this treatment.
Don't put the cart before the horse. She needs to be evaluated by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist for a proper diagnosis. This could be handled by making about 1,000 phone calls to find both pro's in the same location who will consent to back to back appointments, or appointments the same day. Then you could plan a trip to keep these appointments.

Avoid cold calling facilities. Although they are in existence to minister to the sick, they are still a business and are not above taking patients who may or may not actually need inpatient care.The diagnostic team will be able to work with you to find the best facility that meets your needs.

Also, if your wife can be on board and hopeful that going inpatient for a set period of time will give her the kind of life and outlook she desires to have, you will be much closer to getting there. She is the one who has to consent to this because she is an adult and makes her own decisions. She is not a danger to herself or others so that right remains with her.

Call her primary care to get referrals. Call your insurance company to get in network referrals. Cross reference the two. When you reach a practice that fits your needs but isn't taking on new pateints (and there will be a lot of them) get referral from them.

:soapbox:The state of mental health care in the US is abysmal! Insurance puts limits and handcuffs on practitioners, who then put limits and handcuff on patients. Some insurance companies are worse than others. So if you find a practice that you like, and they are not taking new patients, ask if they will take self pay is you can afford the out of network fees. They might be able to accept you sooner if you can bypass insurance restrictions. Some practitioners limit the number of active patients from particular companies or plans due to the care plan restrictions and limits on fees.
 
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