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I am confused and not sure how to address this---Wife and I have been married for ~10 years and have two children together. She is a good person, good mom, has lots of nice friends. I love her and have no problem expressing myself to her, but rarely does she express herself to me. I try to remain open knowing that we are all different. I have explored self counseling, but she refuses to participate.

We tend to get in arguments or fights about every 4-6 months over a variety of topics. The issues are difficult to identify because she will not agree to talk about things during or after an argument or fight. The fights seem to get triggered most when I say or do something (e.g can we spend more time together? ) vs when she says or does something. She tends to portray me to her friends as this horrible person, which also bothers me. I believe she carries around a ton of resentment (toward me or anyone that could have possibly bothered her in her life) and refuses to grant forgiveness for anything, no matter how big or small.

Lately she has been spending about 3-4 nights a week with her friends (going to watch TV, out for drinks, misc., etc). I find it a little odd when someone that's in their 40's wants to spend 2 hours a night (2-3 times a week at times) at a girlfriends house watching TV when she has a family at home, but I try not to say much cause it will come across like I am controlling or won't let her do things and will start a fight. I told her that I had no issues with this, but I wanted to make sure there was a balance with us (meaning I want some 1:1 time with her).

What do you do when someone that you love and care about more than anything in the world treats you like you don't exist at times and shows a lack of concern for the marriage and well being of the relationship and just outright refuses to discuss anything.
 

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The one thing that can destroy a relationship quicker than anything or anybody is non communication. You need to inform your wife that you are serious about saving your marriage. Ask her if she will sit down with you to choose a therapist you both feel comfortable talking to, so that the healing process may begin. If she rejects your offer, I'm afraid you are going to have to find professional help on your own. The person whom you choose to help you should be able to offer you solutions that may show you how to encourge your wife to join you.Don't give up on your marriage. It sounds like it is fixable, it just may take a little more time to get to the root of the problem. Understand the relationship will not heal it's self.
Wishing you the best.
 

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No communication + spending too much time away are huge RED FLAGS.

I'll start with the obvious question. Have you verified that she's at her friends house? Normally the only reason someone will not open up is because they are trying to hide something. It could be something she's embarrassed about, it could be she wants out or it could be she has a "special friend". Either way you're right to be concerned. Whatever is going on it's not good for your marriage. While I agree you should not tell her what she can do you deserve to know what's going on. It's your marriage and your life. It would be my first priority to figure this out.
 

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HH22,

My impression is that this has come to a head and your wife going out with friends multiple times a week has raised more than a few red flags.

Please, Please, Please do not let this go on any longer. You must confront this now and enter counseling. Something is not right and if she is unwilling to participate in healing whatever is wrong you need to start taking major steps that will let her know you are not willing to stand by and watch your relationship fade away.

Do not be a bystander because your beta tendencies are going to turn into depression and resentment if you do.

Act Now! Do not wait another day!
 

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This is not good. Don't ignore the issues. I did, for two years...then caught my wife starting an EA. Same issues..coldness, ignoring me, won't discuss, bitterness....nothing wrong with her...all me. Get to the bottom of this....stat!
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Hi HaveHope,

You must express your concern with the marriage. It seems as though she has had issues for quite some time and letting this go longer will only cause more turmoil in your marriage.

Tell her that you aren't happy right now and the marriage needs improving. Make sure you bring up the things that the both of you can do to better the relationship. Ask her if she is invested in the marriage enough to do this... It's time to address where she is in this marriage and where she wants to go. She is emotionally distant and is not physically distancing herself. Letting it go on will only make the situation worse.
~Relationship Coach
 

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Your wife has checked out of the marriage already. If you were dating, would she be going out with someone she says horrible things about? She's at the point where she doesn't really see the two of you as a couple. There is no WE. As for conversation, logic is useless here. It's all your fault because she thinks "you don't get it". That's what she tells her friends and that's what at least some of her "nice" friends are saying to her. Don't seem needy or clingy. Don't try to talk all sorts of things out. Take the kids for haircuts. Wash some dishes. Clean a window. Don't go buying her fancy things. She won't appreciate that and may even mock it even if she doesn't say anything. Don't expect an instant turn-around from her. She doesn't think you were there for her in some way at some times.
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You could be talking about my wife. I cant really offer you any advice. If I could I would offer myself as well. Was it always like this and why and when did it start. Is she working. I would say she is really looking to get out. I would stop 'expressing' myself to her. Be a bit more distant and colder. Dont beg for spending more time or anything similar. I bet your sex life isnt too good either if it exists at all. Counselling isnt going to help either.
Not all problems can be solved. I dont believe all these posts here that if a wife 'goes off' her H she automatically has someone else. As though she cant be alone. She is leaving the house to get away from you.
An ultimatum may work. You know best. Either marriage or divorce. If you both have mutual friends or family I think its time to bring them into the picture and they should exert pressure.
I am really sorry to say that I dont hold out much hope at all.
 

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Once you start to show enough respect for your self by not tolorating her bad behaviors then she will continue.

You can not change the women you love but you can change your self. Stop tolorating this kind of treatment by asking her to stop b/c you no longer diserve this treatment. You can not control her but you can control what you do next.

Having the confidence to step up and the strenght to ask your wife to leave. She may not leave but you are telling her how confident you are in moving on with out her. It will be her choice to either continue or stay home.

In standing up and respecting your self enough to make this kind of statement is making it clear you will no longer tolorate her behavior. Keep in mind it will be her choice to leave or to stay and work on the marriage, but you have to be prepared for her to leave and except the fact that you really can move on with out her.

See, she knows you won't do a damb thing about it except b*tch and complain, so she continues, but when you do man up and start respecting your self enoough by not tolorating her crap she might....might have a change of heart, but until then except the same old same old.

You may not be ready to ask her to leave and if you do ask her to leave she may call your bluff..only to return after a night out with her boyfriend.

The point here is you can't control people , but you can control what you will tolorate, It will be up to the one you love to except this and stay or not except your new manhood and leave.

If she chooses to leave then all your love in the world will not change the fact the she no longer loves you and you have been replaced, then it will be up to you to just let her go.

Respect your self and other will respect you.
 

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I don't care about the inner child, only the outer adult. And sometimes when you open the box it's empty and there's nothing there.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Hey folks. I appreciate the candid suggestions and perspectives. All extremley valuable. Since i posted this I have been on a roller coaster ride. Last week i was getting the cold shoulder / silence treatment / evil eye and nasty crap. It was was triggered by a statement i made about wanting more from the relationshipe earlier in the week (i aint talking about a crying weeping i need you , just simple basic ask ). It got viewed as me controlling and not letting her do things. So this past Friday, i made a decision not to come home from work at the regular time (6-7 pm ish). I made the decision because i was not interested in being treated like crap or ignored when i came home plus it hurts to experience it. I did not call or text, which was probably the wrong thing but i figured she was not responding to texts or emails within past few days from me then whats the point in calling now. So i come home at 12am. I was at work the entire time- no goofing or kidding. I hear the heavy foot steps coming from upstairs toward the stairway then the shouting begins. I received three to five minutes of the nastiest words ever. I have never been so verbally abused in my life. And to have it come from your spouse is incomprehensible. I remained calm and listened to everything she said, then offered to go downstairs away from the sleeping children. She refused and said she did not want to talk. She claimed that i was out with someone, which did not occur. I told her i have been upset and not feeling wanted and not want to dealing with the nasty attitude. She said i was seeking revenge for when she went out with her friends (not true). We both slept in same bed that night. She fell a sleep in 5 minutes and started snoring. I was awake for two hours thinking what a mess. So Saturday comes and goes with no discussion. Then its sunday morning. I am playing with kids and she enters room and tells me she is done. She says i need to leave. She unloads all of these issues and her reasons 95% of which i never heard before or knew it bothered her... things like "you said this about that" " you dont like me" "on my birthday x years ago this bothered me" "what am i gonna do when the kids leave the and i just have you, i need to do things with my friends" ( do things with friends i dont care just show love and respect , make me feel important to her, and i am happy). The talking carries on for 3 hours. She is in tears i am the calmest i have ever been. I told her i was not leaving and that I made a commitment to her and the family and if she felt the need to leave then the door is wide open. Told her i would leave if we got an agreement drawn up with a lawyer. She told me she was gonna start breaking stuff and throwing stuff until i left. So i go to the basement to seek shelter and hope things calm down. Called cops non emergency just to make sure she cant push me out of house. They were willing to talk on phone vs come to house cause the scene it causes, but as i was on phone my wife storms down stairs as starts following me trying to bump into me ( she does not know I am on phone with police) then i said "officer, can u please come to our house" she runs upstairs tells me i am having a midlife crisis and that i am unbelievable. After and hour with cop he confirms my right to stay in house. I move my stuff from master BR to basement sun night and mon morning. Kids are confused as could be. Wife does not help at all. 50-60 trips up and down 3 flights. I contact a lawyer get legal questionaire for property settlement. I give her update late in day that i will give her a copy next day so we can review. Tell her i was going to counselor for appointment that night. She says we need to decide what we are going to do. Huh what? We both agreed this thing is crazy, but i was feeling its over base on what she said and how she treated me. . Last night she goes to friends to watch tv after i went to counseling (my guess is she uses her friend for support and advice). Today i present agreement to her and say, if u want me out we need to reach an agreement on this stuff. She tells me she spoke to her adult daughter today who witnessed this whole thing and said she was mean and has been mean to her in past. The light goes off, she now says maybe i have an anger problem that i am not aware of. Oh brother. I go play with kids, then go to my office. She comes in and asks me what she and kids can get me for my birthday this week. I say a clothes rack for all my clothes that are spread all over the basement.

When someone says its over and they want you out, How do you address the broken pieces before continuing with a separation or deciding to stay with each other? I love her and want to help her. I want to get to roots of problems I want to be happy with her or i want this to end. She is concerned that she cant make me happy.
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Your wife sounds a bit controlling- like she's used to getting her own way. that is probably why she blew up at you when you didnt come home as expected. she probably never thought you'd 'disrespect' her like that. even though that wasn't your intention, that was how it felt to her, so she felt she needed to blow up in order to regain control of the situation. that's likely the same reasoning as to why she stormed into the room the next morning & said she's done. she probably expected to give you a bit of a fright & for you to move toward reconciling/ pacifying her.

you were right in your earlier assessment of her- she does hold onto alot of resentment, that is why she brought up things from years ago.

the reason why she's now asking you abt bday presents for you is becos now she realises the consequences of her actions & realises you are probably serious abt the divorce/ seperation.

my suggestion would be that you remain strong- you have been doing a really good job so far with regards to moving to the basement & seeking legal advice. she needs to learn abt consequences.

if you want to try to repair the marriage now is the time. she's adnitted that she has an anger problem, so suggest counselling, tell her you are also willing to go so that you can explore your part in this. but in the interim stay in the basement & keep your distance. if you go running back, all that you have worked for in the last few days will be lost.
 

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I agree with the statements above. Neither my husband and I go out frequently to hang out with friends, ever. We stay home as a family and spend time together.


It really sounds like your wife may have another man on the side. I'm truly sorry. This is how my ex h was and sure enough, he was cheating on me. You'd be smart to start snooping her phone and computer to see what's going on. This lack of communication is not normal.
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I am playing with kids and she enters room and tells me she is done. She says i need to leave.
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I move my stuff from master BR to basement sun night and mon morning.
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I give her update late in day that i will give her a copy next day so we can review.
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I love her and want to help her.
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I want to be happy with her or i want this to end
HaveHope,

Sorry to hear this is happening to you. I wish I could say that I've never seen anything like this before. My humble advice is to move your stuff back into your bedroom and tell your wife that if she is "done" then she can move her stuff out and go sleep somewhere else. Don't talk to any more lawyers and don't talk to your wife except to say that she can feel free to leave and walk away from everything. Tell her she can get her lawyer to draw up the papers leaving you with everything. You can look at them yourself and sign if you like what you see. Otherwise, you don't need a layer until she gets her case on the family court docket. If she really wants out that bad, she'll go with what you want or she can just leave and you can file the paperwork for abandonment when you are ready to tie the knot with your new wife. Until then, you can remain married and she can be gone. Let your employer know that you will need to take some sick time until you can get people lined up to watch the kids while you are at work. If she doesn't like your offer, let her make her counteroffer.

Just last night my wife demanded that I leave our bed after I shared how I felt about a couple things she had done recently. I said "I don't think so" and rolled over. She jumped out of bed in a huff and went down to sleep in the living room. She knows not to start up with this leaving stuff because I'll tell her exactly what told you and she knows shes not going to like it. This morning she's fine. And btw, I look at all her electronic communications anytime anything out of the ordinary starts up. This time it probably has to do with her visiting her mom on Monday. Her mom thinks she would be better off as a single mom (go figure) and she can't help but be a little impressionable.

You're the man here. Don't let her tell you to go or stay or where to sleep in your own house. It's best not to talk to her at all for a while. Let her do what she needs to do and you take care of yourself and your kids while she decides.
 
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