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My WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home, even if she is not home. They cannot get along, and i can deal with that. We have children and my wife doesnt want my mother visiting with me and our kids, unless she is there to "supervise". And she has made it clear that this will only happen once a month. I would like my mom to come visit at our house and since they dont get along, i would like her to come over when my wife is away. In addition my wife will not allow me to take the kids to see her at her house, my wife refuses to go to my moms, therefore the kids cant go. Her main reason for this because my mom smokes, but not if the kids are in the house, and she obviously doesnt smoke in our house. My wifes controlling ways are destroying our relationship, and she feels like she has already compromised, and wont budge. She said not to let my mom in our house, but her reasons just dont add up. At this point i am ready to just allow my mother over next time the wife is away, and take what ever comes with it. If I tell her ahead of time, she will not leave the house. I have begged her to change her mind, but i have not made any progress, and its tearing me up inside. Should i have my mother over for a visit?
 

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So let me get this straight. Your wife doesn't think you can keep your kids safe from your mother?

Is that actually a valid fear? Is your mom truly a threat to your children? And are you unable to manage your mom?

If not, is this just a matter of your wife punishing your mom because she doesn't like her?

I ALWAYS put my wife first. But I never would have tolerated this crap if she had pulled it. I would have told her "My mom is coming to visit her grandchildren on X date/time" If she had tried to change her schedule to prevent a grandma visit I would have told her that grandma will see the kids either during their visitation hours with me, or as part of our marriage. Your choice.

Your wife can only take your balls away if you let her.

My WIFE will not allow my MOTHER to visit me in our home, even if she is not home. They cannot get along, and i can deal with that. We have children and my wife doesnt want my mother visiting with me and our kids, unless she is there to "supervise". And she has made it clear that this will only happen once a month. I would like my mom to come visit at our house and since they dont get along, i would like her to come over when my wife is away. In addition my wife will not allow me to take the kids to see her at her house, my wife refuses to go to my moms, therefore the kids cant go. Her main reason for this because my mom smokes, but not if the kids are in the house, and she obviously doesnt smoke in our house. My wifes controlling ways are destroying our relationship, and she feels like she has already compromised, and wont budge. She said not to let my mom in our house, but her reasons just dont add up. At this point i am ready to just allow my mother over next time the wife is away, and take what ever comes with it. If I tell her ahead of time, she will not leave the house. I have begged her to change her mind, but i have not made any progress, and its tearing me up inside. Should i have my mother over for a visit?
 

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Honestly, skoloco, I don't believe you are being honest with your readers. I think you just want someone to justify your position that your wife is some kind of controlling monster. There has to be more to this story and more to your wife's reason(s) for not wanting the children in your mother's presence when she's not around, and smoking is not it. Now, tell us the truth. Your mother bad mouths your wife, doesn't she. She says awful things about her and/or calls her awful names. No woman would want her children exposed to that. If that isn't the problem, then perhaps your mom curses like a sailor. There is something she does that your wife vehemently objects to your children having to hear. C'mon. Tell us what it is.
 

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If your wife is concerned about second hand smoke, then I can see why she doesn't want the kids to go over there. Even if she doesn't smoke while they're there, I'm sure it's in the air.

Other than that, your wife is using the kids to lash out at your mother. That is not fair to your children. They deserve a relationship with their grandmother. There are a lot of kids out there who are not fortunate enough to have grandparents in their lives, how cruel for your wife to deprive her children of that relationship. She is not only punishing your mother, she is punishing you and your kids.

I agree with your plan to have mom come over when wife isn't there and then take what comes with it. This one is worth fighting for.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
my wife claims my mom is a threat to our children, but i dont beleive she beleives this as she makes up one excuse after another, like, they need a nap, or , i am taking away her motherly time from the children, grandmas house smells of smoke, or, its dinner time and they need to eat. She acts like the children are on such a strict regimen when it comes to my mom, but makes acceptions to other people or situations. My mother is no threat to the children, and my wife has admitted that she feels it is her job to punish my mom, or, make her pay consequences for them not getting along and so forth. I have not done a good job managing my my mom and wife in the past when they argue, my wife is a yeller i i dont approve of the way she yells at my mother. Mother has done some things to provoke her, but yelling at her and trying to cut our kids out of her life is not ample consequnces, in my eyes. So not only can i not manage my mother, but also my wife at the same time, atleast when they are in a heated argument. I dont want to be a part of it, but now i know i have to and have stepped in.
So perhaps I have let her take my balls, but she has had them long enough and i want them back, at any cost.

My wife is most controlling with the children, every aspect of how they are raised, i rarely have a say on what they should eat, when they should go to bed, if they should take naps, or play outside, or what kind of toys they should play with. This is where the control is most noticeable. also, She prefers to do most of the driving (which is ok cuzz i drive for a living) . also when it comes to organizing, putting stuff away, loading the dishwasher, it has to be her way. She is a stay at home mom.
 

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My mother did call my wife Hitler once, only after being yelled at by my wife because my mother wanted to warm up their desert, and wife felt it did not need to be warmed up, which is how my mother eats, and prepares the dish. My mom has appoligized and knows i will not tollerate this. But what mostly sets off my wife, which causes her to start yelling at my mom, is when my mom expresses her opinion, like "Why cant i heat it up"? or when my mom is trying to helpful and offer advice or knowledge, my wife takes it very offensively. My wife was most offended when my mother suggested an anger management program and or counseling. and she also does not accept appologies, atleast not from my mom....
I know you all only hear one side of the story, but i am trying be as straight forward as possible, and have actually deleted some facts i was going to post, becuzz i dont want to potrtay her as a monster.

Honestly, skoloco, I don't believe you are being honest with your readers. I think you just want someone to justify your position that your wife is some kind of controlling monster. There has to be more to this story and more to your wife's reason(s) for not wanting the children in your mother's presence when she's not around, and smoking is not it. Now, tell us the truth. Your mother bad mouths your wife, doesn't she. She says awful things about her and/or calls her awful names. No woman would want her children exposed to that. If that isn't the problem, then perhaps your mom curses like a sailor. There is something she does that your wife vehemently objects to your children having to hear. C'mon. Tell us what it is.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Also my wife feels her character is being attacked when her beleifs and wishes for the children are not the same as others. She takes this very personal and this is part of her fear, maybe that our children will figure out on their own how "black and white" everythig is to her and rebel....??
My mother did call my wife Hitler once, only after being yelled at by my wife because my mother wanted to warm up their desert, and wife felt it did not need to be warmed up, which is how my mother eats, and prepares the dish. My mom has appoligized and knows i will not tollerate this. But what mostly sets off my wife, which causes her to start yelling at my mom, is when my mom expresses her opinion, like "Why cant i heat it up"? or when my mom is trying to helpful and offer advice or knowledge, my wife takes it very offensively. My wife was most offended when my mother suggested an anger management program and or counseling. and she also does not accept appologies, atleast not from my mom....
I know you all only hear one side of the story, but i am trying be as straight forward as possible, and have actually deleted some facts i was going to post, becuzz i dont want to potrtay her as a monster.
 

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thank you, i do believe she is being very selfish and her reasons are self mortified.

If your wife is concerned about second hand smoke, then I can see why she doesn't want the kids to go over there. Even if she doesn't smoke while they're there, I'm sure it's in the air.

Other than that, your wife is using the kids to lash out at your mother. That is not fair to your children. They deserve a relationship with their grandmother. There are a lot of kids out there who are not fortunate enough to have grandparents in their lives, how cruel for your wife to deprive her children of that relationship. She is not only punishing your mother, she is punishing you and your kids.

I agree with your plan to have mom come over when wife isn't there and then take what comes with it. This one is worth fighting for.
 

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we have done about 15 sessions already, but things are not getting any better. We are still attending, once a week. In couseling, no one is right or wrong, its about finding mutual grounds, and compromising, at least thats what they say. I feel the couselors poking around at certain behaviors of my wifes, but they wont come right out and tell her to change. My wife feels she has compramised by allowing us all to get together once a month, in a public place, which went horrible when we tried it because my wife was so controlling and unpleaseant, neither my mom or i care to do it again this way. So now its my fault, according do her, that we cant get together. My wife has been so manipulative, i flat out told her i dont want the two of them with in 100' of one another.
Honestly, the THREE of you need to go into couples counseling.
 

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Nope. Sorry. You may have everyone else fooled, but I won't be. You admitted your mother provokes your wife. Maybe you let that part slip, I don't know. You began by making your wife out to be a monster and came back to do more of the same. It's your mother, whether you will admit that or not. I wouldn't want my children around her either. She doesn't want that woman saying bad things about her to or in front of her children, and I don't blame her. That is the way it goes. It's the way people are, and I know how women can be. Your wife is being blamed because she's louder, maybe she wins the arguments. It's the way that goes too. The person who is the loudest, more boisterous, more dominant gets blamed as being the culprit. That is the reason you make so much of her being controlling and the reason you originally gave us no clue that your mother does anything to your wife at all. Low and behold, it is all your mother's doing. Also, I don't see anything wrong with that woman taking charge of her home and her children. So many women don't bother.

I don't doubt there are some things you disagree with. In those instances and concerning your marriage, you don't have to allow your wife to emasculate you. But, you also don't have to vilify her. You have problems with your wife that you have transformed into awfully big mountains. Think about marriage counseling so you can deal with them one at a time. And, try to consider more objectively how she feels about her children being around your mother.
 

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there is absolutely nothing wrong with her taking charge, but to rule it with an iron fist is just an fair, especially since i am trying to be a part of it. My mother has learned to control her self and has been willing to change and do what ever it takes to make things work, where as my wife has made it clear that she doesnt ever want herself or her kids to go to grandmas, and wont allow her to come to our house, which is why i am here. I can reason and put up with some of my wifes requests, but when she said my mom isnt allowed in our house at all, this is where i have trouble..
Nope. Sorry. You may have everyone else fooled, but I won't be. You admitted your mother provokes your wife. Maybe you let that part slip, I don't know. You began by making your wife out to be a monster and came back to do more of the same. It's your mother, whether you will admit that or not. I wouldn't want my children around her either. She doesn't want that woman saying bad things about her to or in front of her children, and I don't blame her. That is the way it goes. It's the way people are, and I know how women can be. Your wife is being blamed because she's louder, maybe she wins the arguments. It's the way that goes too. The person who is the loudest, more boisterous, more dominant gets blamed as being the culprit. That is the reason you make so much of her being controlling and the reason you originally gave us no clue that your mother does anything to your wife at all. Low and behold, it is all your mother's doing. Also, I don't see anything wrong with that woman taking charge of her home and her children. So many women don't bother.

I don't doubt there are some things you disagree with. In those instances and concerning your marriage, you don't have to allow your wife to emasculate you. But, you also don't have to vilify her. You have problems with your wife that you have transformed into awfully big mountains. Think about marriage counseling so you can deal with them one at a time. And, try to consider more objectively how she feels about her children being around your mother.
 

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I agree with Susan2010, something is rotten in Denmark. Skoloco, your padding something, somewhere I think. The only way her reaction would be warranted is in the case in which your mother has caused major issues (or your wife has mental issues).

My mom may irritate my wife sometimes (my Mom is a tough old bird), but my wife implicitly trusts her and never bars her from our house or our children. My mother smokes and we just do not let her smoke inside.

My wifes mother IS barred from our family, but that is because there is a major issue with her mom (alcoholic, bi-polar, schizophrenia).

So, as Paul Harvey says "What IS the rest of the story?"
 

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but when she said my mom isnt allowed in our house at all, this is where i have trouble.
What you refuse to see is your mother is the problem. Perhaps your wife overreacts, and no doubt she does. The problem is, she shouldn't have anything to react to. No one wants to sit under judgment of others or be under their scrutiny. Absolutely no woman, except a weak and insecure one, will tolerate being judged and criticized in her own home. I have no idea what made your mother think she ever had anything to say, anything to criticize, so much better ideas and ways to do things. She rules/d her own castle, where she is the Queen "B" and such is the same with your wife, with every woman. Okay, so what your mother says she will behave herself. I guarantee you she will not. People like her have to be heard, have to be right all the time, must have something to say, are such smart***es to think they know everything better than everyone else. She has a worthy opponent in your wife, and she will not stop because she knows she gets your wife's goat. And, if she momentarily pretends to behave herself, she will simply do/say things so she isn't so obvious. She will make snide remarks to your children (as I think she has already done) about their mother - "your mother this" and "your mother that" and "your mother is stupid" and so on. She has to get her digs in however she can.....and she will!

Your mother has you fooled, and you are falling for it again. But hey, she's "mama" right? Perhaps you should have married your mother. I'll bet your wife has said those words to you.
 

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Is this my wife???
What you refuse to see is your mother is the problem. Perhaps your wife overreacts, and no doubt she does. The problem is, she shouldn't have anything to react to. No one wants to sit under judgment of others or be under their scrutiny. Absolutely no woman, except a weak and insecure one, will tolerate being judged and criticized in her own home. I have no idea what made your mother think she ever had anything to say, anything to criticize, so much better ideas and ways to do things. She rules/d her own castle, where she is the Queen "B" and such is the same with your wife, with every woman. Okay, so what your mother says she will behave herself. I guarantee you she will not. People like her have to be heard, have to be right all the time, must have something to say, are such smart***es to think they know everything better than everyone else. She has a worthy opponent in your wife, and she will not stop because she knows she gets your wife's goat. And, if she momentarily pretends to behave herself, she will simply do/say things so she isn't so obvious. She will make snide remarks to your children (as I think she has already done) about their mother - "your mother this" and "your mother that" and "your mother is stupid" and so on. She has to get her digs in however she can.....and she will!

Your mother has you fooled, and you are falling for it again. But hey, she's "mama" right? Perhaps you should have married your mother. I'll bet your wife has said those words to you.
 
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