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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi, the past week or so has been a roller coaster of emotions. We have been married for almost 15 years and have 3 children and have/had a pretty healthy relationship. There are the usual ups and downs but overall good stable emotionally and physically.

Going back to my first year of marriage I had caught my wife, who wasn't working at the time and going to school, flirting with an ex-coworker via email/chat. This had been going on for a few months before I was able to find evidence and confront her, which she was visibly upset and apologetic. She didn't have any real excuse and although I was pissed for a few days we did reconcile.

Now back to present time. Since 2007 my wife has not worked and was a full-time sahm, due to being pregnant with our third child. She did resent the fact at the time of quitting her good paying job, but we couldn't see any other way to afford childcare.

This past December she had gotten a job working 5 nights a week, which really put a strain on our relationship. I did encourage her to apply for the job because it she would be doing something she is passionate about. And originally the job would have been part-time 3-4 days a week during the early afternoon. But this changed to 5 nights the second week and thereafter.

Although I was a but stressed out due my full time job and other responsibilities, it was working..barely. Once January 2012 started things started getting a little strange. Normally she would wear the slightest make-up before going to work, but I noticed several times she really applied the makeup, almost when we have the rare date night.

I then happened to see some emails from a male coworker about setting up a possible lunch meeting for collaboration which is fine, but she did not say one word to me about this. Also, I then checked our phone records and in the span of two weeks, she had 200 txt messages to a strange phone number.

I also noticed in web browsing history around the same time she was searching his name on the internet, to get home address and phone number.

I then did some searching and found that it was the male coworkers', and the text messages were in the evenings, late & early, and on weekends. Before I confronted her this I was able to check her phone messages and only found a few days worth of messaging, but it was very friendly and the male was using a lot of playful wording, sexual in nature. My wife's responses, that were still on the phone, did not reply in same manner but there there was still a very friendly banter.

I was never able to get any exact information on what was said and what in manner, which is strange because she can remember one thing I said a year ago crystal clear.

At this point I was wonder WTF, now what?? Well I confronted her in not the calmest manner and asked who's phone number this was etc. She replied that it was a coworkers and I asked to see her phone, which she agreed. I copied the text messages and over the next few days we had a falling out, and I was trying to get answers.

Basically these were the issues that she stated:
1) The coworker was not a friend...umm ok
2) He did make some advances/flirtations towards her and she eventually just told him to stop (she never told me)
3) Although he did make some sexual banter she was a big girl and could handle it,, and she never replied in kind
4) She did enjoy getting the attention and it made her feel good
5) She wants to have friends

I had texted the coworker and asked him to stop texting my wife, and now I believe all contact is either in email or face to face.

After several days of conversations and anger/resent, she kept saying she loves me and the family and would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I do believe her but I am thinking that she was enjoying the flirtations and did realize that this was turning bad and decided to stop, thank god! But I still have this nagging feeling that she and him are still friends, which normally I would not care but given the circumstance, I do.

Any thoughts?
.
 

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You confronted her too early. When there is not definitive evidence it's easy to deny and make up stories.

Put a key stroke monitor on the computer. Don't tell her you are doing it. Get enough info that you are sure there is something going on.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Yea, after reading other stories I felt that way too, but my brother recently went through an EA and his advice was to stop it early. The earlier the better. I am definitely thinking about monitoring her computer activity.
 

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Somewhat similar to my situation. The more I found out, the more she admitted.

Now I know it was a full on EA. Just collapsed it tonight. We'll see where it goes from here.

Obviously, you don't trust her. You and she will have to come up with a solution to that.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Yes, trust right now is not the best, before this happened there was all the trust in the world. Now that the situation has calmed down a bit, what is a recommended strategy to broach the lack of trust?

Also, I don't think she trusts me 100% either, which is obvious.
 

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She especially, and you, possibly may not wanna hear/do this---BUT----if he is a co-worker---her job is over----she leaves---no if's, and's, or but's---and she can complain, moan, groan all she wants---that job just ended---and you must be firm about it.

She cannot have any contact---her answers that you posted may be legit., and they may be a well planned smoke screen

As to her having friends---that's fine---no single men---her friends---need to be friends of the mge.---be firm on this point

If she doesn't like these boundaries, then ask her and don't coddle her as you ask--be firm---ask her if she would rather be a divorced, single mother---cuz you will NEVER tolerate her messing around with other men, in any way shape or form, and YOU MUST BE FIRM ABOUT THIS

You need to set her straight----do not take any crap about you being controlling, not letting her have friends---or about her privacy, and right to do her own thing---IF SHE WANTED THOSE KINDS OF THINGS, SHE SHOULD HAVE STAYED SINGLE, AND NOT HAD ANY CHILDREN

She has responsibilities, and those responsibiliteis, are those of a married wife and mother---and they do not include other men.
 

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What job is she so passionate about that requires her to first start 3 nights a week and then 5 nights a week, that also requires her to meet a coworker alone for a work lunch?

The biggest ingredient of an affair is the secrecy. Its wrong the mojment she has to hide communications and meetings with a male coworker from you. If it was so innocent, she wouldnt go thru the trouble of hiding anything about him from you. There's no room in a marriage for secrecy. She knows its inapproriate if she wouldn't feel comfortable with you sitting right beside her.

It would be far easier for her to change jobs. But at the very minimum you need to have a serious discussion with her about BOUNDARIES, about what is appropriate and what isn't. Obviously, flirting and sexual text is not ok.

Because of what she did you are going to have to monitor her for a bit to ensure this doesnt become yet another workplace affair. This isnt controlling. This is protecting your family and maariage. You will need to install a keylogger on the computer and a VAR under the seat of her car.
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Discussion Starter #8
I appreciate the different viewpoints and ideas, I will be keeping a level head and monitor activity. Hoping for the best! Will provide updates.

Thanks.
 

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Yea, after reading other stories I felt that way too, but my brother recently went through an EA and his advice was to stop it early.
Your brothers advice was spot on but you didn`t have enough evidence to actually stop it yet.
She`s just taken it more underground.

The earlier the better. I am definitely thinking about monitoring her computer activity.
Don`t think about it do it.
Get a key logger on her PC and a VAR in her car ASAP

This isn`t over.
 
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If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? She had an EA in your first year of marriage and continues to do so today. What is wrong with this picture? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

She continues to disrespect you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
 

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I am of the opinion you stop an EA quickly and not wait around gathering more evidence. Why let your spouse get in deeper with someone? To me, that is assinine. I think you did the right thing.

I am also of the opinion she should quit the job right away. She's been there all of what, 2 months? Not exactly a huge commitment and she's shown she can't properly set boundaries with this guy. If she really wants to work on your marriage, then I suggest you ask her to find another job, because as long as she sees this guy every day, it's going to be really hard for her to stop, and really easy for them to take it underground.

People with very high paying jobs they've been in for years are forced to quit for this reason. A job that just started should be easy to let go of.
 

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her to first start 3 nights a week and then 5 nights a week, that also requires her to meet a coworker alone for a work lunch?

Working night´s?? And meeting him for lunches.

Personally i would say that this goes far beyond
just liking attention..I like to get attention to.
So i understand that part.But work nights.

And go to bed efter working a night shift.
And sleep only a few hours.to meet up for lunches
to get some more attention..No, not really.

Me getting flattering attention when i was single
or under the time i was married. Was appreciated
and felt nice.yes it was..But i didn't say i was desperate
for it, even as single..So unless she is desperate for it.

why the need for, SMS,Lunch,Meeting/s??
Wasen´t it just enough getting it at work??

After all it was harmless. And it didn't mean anything

Right?? What´s your wife´s take on that??

And seriously!! Her reason for not trust you would be???
 

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her to first start 3 nights a week and then 5 nights a week, that also requires her to meet a coworker alone for a work lunch?

Working night´s?? And meeting him for lunches.

Personally i would say that this goes far beyond
just liking attention..I like to get attention to.
So i understand that part.But work nights.

And go to bed efter working a night shift.
And sleep only a few hours.to meet up for lunches
to get some more attention..No, not really.

Me getting flattering attention when i was single
or under the time i was married. Was appreciated
and felt nice.yes it was..But i didn't say i was desperate
for it, even as single..So unless she is desperate for it.

why the need for, SMS,Lunch,Meeting/s??
Wasen´t it just enough getting it at work??

After all it was harmless. And it didn't mean anything

Right?? What´s your wife´s take on that??

And seriously!! Her reason for not trust you would be???
:iagree:

I'm currently working the night shift and just got off of work this morning. I sure ain't going to go meet someone for lunch unless it was damn important.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
What makes this even more weird is that when I had some info on the coworker I asked her if she knew anything and if I was way off base thinking that he would continue to pursue. So I did my own research and found that this guy has some serious relationship/sex additions even though he is married with children.

Just to add a bit more information, her coworker does not work every night, maybe 1-2 times a week, and when that is I do not know. Also when I first confronted her re: the texting/email/lunch she said she was going to quit.

Of course, paranoid but nice guy that I am said she shouldn't quit because she will regret me for it.

Also she has just changed this week from 5 nights down to 3 nights a week.

Ugh.
 

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She especially, and you, possibly may not wanna hear/do this---BUT----if he is a co-worker---her job is over----she leaves---no if's, and's, or but's---and she can complain, moan, groan all she wants---that job just ended---and you must be firm about it.

She cannot have any contact---her answers that you posted may be legit., and they may be a well planned smoke screen

As to her having friends---that's fine---no single men---her friends---need to be friends of the mge.---be firm on this point

If she doesn't like these boundaries, then ask her and don't coddle her as you ask--be firm---ask her if she would rather be a divorced, single mother---cuz you will NEVER tolerate her messing around with other men, in any way shape or form, and YOU MUST BE FIRM ABOUT THIS

You need to set her straight----do not take any crap about you being controlling, not letting her have friends---or about her privacy, and right to do her own thing---IF SHE WANTED THOSE KINDS OF THINGS, SHE SHOULD HAVE STAYED SINGLE, AND NOT HAD ANY CHILDREN

She has responsibilities, and those responsibiliteis, are those of a married wife and mother---and they do not include other men.
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Her working nights is not putting the marriage first. Sometimes for financial reason we do what we have to do. But all else equal her working nights is not a good thing for your marriage. Working different shifts is a killer.

Now add to the fact that you know this male co-worker is making moves on her. She says he does send he sexual content but she does not reply. Her replying in a positvie way is escalting the bahvior but her ignoring it is still accpetance and approval of it.

She has secrets from you with this OM. Bad.

Setting upo little lunch dates and get togethers is not a good idea at all. He is trying to date her.

Her having female friends is awesome as long as they are marriage friendly and not toxic. Her having male friends is fine, but close makle friends are asking for trouble. I have female friends. I don't hang out with them one on one.

She is having at least an EA and he is trying to nail her.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs together. Do the boundary setting because these are boundary issues. The working separate shifts is bad enough. Her working nights is a real red flag for your marriage.
 

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I appreciate the different viewpoints and ideas, I will be keeping a level head and monitor activity. Hoping for the best! Will provide updates.

Thanks.
EAs are almost always much further along that the BS realizes. Early discovery and action is key.

I understand the gathering of information and so on. That said, you guys really messed up with this job selection. I suggest you focus on this aspect while monitoring. She really needs to find a job during the daytime. Soon.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Over the course of several days she was very upset/angry at me when I was questioning. Also, I forgot to add this in original post, she is the one who initiated the lunch meeting.

Since installing a keylogger I do know that as of this morning she has changed her email password.
 
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