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I've never felt she has to walk on eggshells. I'm not flying into tantrums daily. There are just a few, very select, triggers that bring that out from me. It's not like it's just her, I'd be the same way regardless of who it was. I'm not singling her out for bullying.

Having said that, I can also empathize with how terrible it must be to have someone stronger than you in a rage that could potentially hurt you. In no way am I dismissing her feelings.
when a loved one uses his physicality to threaten, intimidate or control, it breaks trust and does immense damage to your relationship. It does not have to be a regular occurrence. There is nothing so ugly in human nature than violence and aggression on weaker members of the family. What the hell are you teaching your kids. You are a big man? Honestly, where I originally come from, men like you would be taken outside by the males in the family and given a good kicking if they did what you o to your wife.
She does not feel safe, she fears for the kids, why the hell would she want to be anywhere near you? Anyone, esp a man who needs to do this is a POS in my view and does not deserve a family nor a marriage.
 

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So, not all rainbows and happy ever afters. I found that my business partner from before has been going around trying to set up a deal to sell off our customers to a competitor. I told him to turn over the company chop to me immediately and he refused. I told him I was representing my wife while she was away and, by law, the chop must be with whom she says.

Long story short; I tell my wife about his behaviour and she says we should relinquish the company and not fight. WTF? Anyway, I ask her what the h*ll is wrong with her. Is she really so foolish a woman as to give up everything we have worked years to build? We started arguing and, now, she says she is planning to give over the shares to him and be done with the business, done with this city, and done with me! She apparently is happy back home and I'm a giant a**. Well, at-least according to her. Needless to say, I feel a dagger has been pushed through my chest. There is a pressure I cannot put into words pushing out from within my heart. I feel I cannot breathe. At this point, I have no recourse but war. I will have to create a new company and fight for these customers. I've spoken with a lawyer and it seems it may be possible for me to have it in my name. Also, I have lined up other investors to fill in any financial holes.

The man has mortgaged his house for his shares and, if I am to do what I feel I must, it will destroy him. However, my wife is the legal representative and she could also have severe consequences from a bankruptcy. I feel so betrayed by this. What is she thinking? She has chosen her horse, let her suffer with that choice. But I just want her to be a good woman and follow me. Still, I cannot accept this. I want to take everything from this man till he is destitute. I will destroy everything and when I am standing like a phoenix on the ashes of all I have destroyed, I will look down and laugh at these idiots. How could he do this to me? How could she do this to me? Okay, then war it is. I control the customers and the staff. They will lose to me, not me to them.
you reap what you sow. You have not been good to your wife, why should she be good to you? Really? I hope she gets lots of money for her shares and moves on.
 

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Discussion Starter #103 (Edited by Moderator)
when a loved one uses his physicality to threaten, intimidate or control, it breaks trust and does immense damage to your relationship. It does not have to be a regular occurrence. There is nothing so ugly in human nature than violence and aggression on weaker members of the family. What the hell are you teaching your kids. You are a big man? Honestly, where I originally come from, men like you would be taken outside by the males in the family and given a good kicking if they did what you o to your wife.
She does not feel safe, she fears for the kids, why the hell would she want to be anywhere near you? Anyone, esp a man who needs to do this is a POS in my view and does not deserve a family nor a marriage.
I'm not an especially large man, no. I'm pretty average in size. However, I don't care much for your idea of other men taking me out to fight. Is that why you asked how big I am? To know whether these guys could beat me? I would have to defend myself with all I had and try to eliminate that threat. Personally, I don't like the idea of any man thinking he could physically interject himself into another man's marriage.


you reap what you sow. You have not been good to your wife, why should she be good to you? Really? I hope she gets lots of money for her shares and moves on.
And what's your story? Are you just here to tell me what a bad person I am and how I deserve no happiness from this world? No, I don't think so. You came to this site because of your own marriage difficulties. You are so quick to judge me. Would you die for your wife or children? Would you kill for them? A lot of men would say they could, but when the moment comes they'd be too afraid. I've been in many crazy situations where I had to sacrifice or do something extreme to get or keep what I want. I know I don't back out. Maybe your concept of love with a woman is placid and safe. My love is volatile. I don't think this means I deserve bad things and I will fight this world and take the good things I want from it.

You know, I've never hidden anything I have ever done in my life from any man. Why has none ever stood up to take me outside and beat some lesson into me? Off of this computer world, where are your type in the real world? No, wait. Once. One friend, a big guy, he once said something like you are saying now. I invited him to come over and show me. I went outside on the street and sent a video of myself and I said "Here I am. Come show me. You said only a weak man would ever hit a woman. Well, come show me how weak I am." He never came over. Maybe some day someone will feed me some medicine and I will become a coward that loses his strength to be honest.

Let me tell you, I want to be a good husband. I want endless happiness for my family. You come here with this attitude trying to rouse my heart into negativity. I'm here to try to be a better husband. Why do you want to bring out bad feelings from me? Does it give you some little feeling of victory to know you pissed off someone on the computer today? You took a man that wanted to walk down a road and told him he didn't belong and made him want to reject that road. This is not constructive at all. I think that between us, I am not the one with the truly dark heart.
 

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I'm not an especially large man, no. I'm pretty average in size. However, I don't care much for your idea of other men taking me out to fight. Is that why you asked how big I am? To know whether these guys could beat me? I would have to defend myself with all I had and try to eliminate that threat. Personally, I don't like the idea of any man thinking he could physically interject himself into another man's marriage.




And what's your story? Are you just here to tell me what a bad person I am and how I deserve no happiness from this world? No, I don't think so. You came to this site because of your own marriage difficulties. You are so quick to judge me. Would you die for your wife or children? Would you kill for them? A lot of men would say they could, but when the moment comes they'd be too afraid. I've been in many crazy situations where I had to sacrifice or do something extreme to get or keep what I want. I know I don't back out. Maybe your concept of love with a woman is placid and safe. My love is volatile. I don't think this means I deserve bad things and I will fight this world and take the good things I want from it.

You know, I've never hidden anything I have ever done in my life from any man. Why has none ever stood up to take me outside and beat some lesson into me? Off of this computer world, where are your type in the real world? No, wait. Once. One friend, a big guy, he once said something like you are saying now. I invited him to come over and show me. I went outside on the street and sent a video of myself and I said "Here I am. Come show me. You said only a weak man would ever hit a woman. Well, come show me how weak I am." He never came over. Maybe some day someone will feed me some medicine and I will become a coward that loses his strength to be honest.

Let me tell you, I want to be a good husband. I want endless happiness for my family. You come here with this attitude trying to rouse my heart into negativity. I'm here to try to be a better husband. Why do you want to bring out bad feelings from me? Does it give you some little feeling of victory to know you pissed off someone on the computer today? You took a man that wanted to walk down a road and told him he didn't belong and made him want to reject that road. This is not constructive at all. I think that between us, I am not the one with the truly dark heart.
Do you think your wife likes the idea of having anyone, let alone her HUSBAND, using physical violence on her? So YOU wouldn't want someone doing that to you, but you can do that to the one person you vowed to honor, cherish, and protect? There is nothing "manly" about hitting women. Nothing.

You want to know why other men won't interject? It's because physical violence is ILLEGAL and WRONG. To them, it's not worth going to jail/prison for some ****head.

I'm not perfect and my side of the street isn't very clean, and I'm telling you that you NEED to work on this. The fact that you won't says a lot about you.

You say that you want to be a good husband? Then PROVE it. Put in the work to actually be a better husband. Words are cheap. Fake attempts at looking better without doing any real (therapy) work is easy. Therapy and anger management are hard, HARD work. I know because I'm doing both.

If you're such a strong man who can sacrifice or do extreme things to get what he wants (in this case "to be a good husband and have happiness" for your family), then put in the REAL work.

Love is not volatile. That is not loving, at all. Love is a lot of things but volatile sure as heck isn't one of them.
 

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Discussion Starter #105
Do you think your wife likes the idea of having her anyone, let alone her HUSBAND, using physical violence on her? So YOU wouldn't want someone doing that to you, but you can do that to the one person you vowed to honor, cherish, and protect? There is nothing "manly" about hitting women. Nothing.

You want to know why other men won't interject? It's because physical violence is ILLEGAL and WRONG. To them, it's not worth going to jail/prison for some ****head.

I'm not perfect and my side of the street isn't very clean, and I'm telling you that you NEED to work on this. The fact that you won't says a lot about you.

You say that you want to be a good husband? Then PROVE it. Put in the work to actually be a better husband. Words are cheap. Fake attempts at looking better without doing any real (therapy) work is easy. Therapy and anger management are hard, HARD work. I know because I'm doing both.

If you're such a strong man who can sacrifice or do extreme things to get what he wants (in this case "to be a good husband and have happiness" for your family), then put in the REAL work.

Love is not volatile. That is not loving, at all. Love is a lot of things but volatile sure as heck isn't one of them.
Yeah, you are right. I don't want to ever hit her or hurt her in any way. I just don't care for that man from before saying he wanted to fight with me and even worse, he wanted to have a mob attack me. It's easy to be a tough guy online. You know, if he wants to say I should be a better man, okay, yeah, I agree. I want to work on this. But for him to want to challenge me like he is some cowboy, I don't have any positive feelings for that. I will not be this man's punching bag. He can take his negative feelings and walk on.
 

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Yeah, you are right. I don't want to ever hit her or hurt her in any way. I just don't care for that man from before saying he wanted to fight with me and even worse, he wanted to have a mob attack me. It's easy to be a tough guy online. You know, if he wants to say I should be a better man, okay, yeah, I agree. I want to work on this. But for him to want to challenge me like he is some cowboy, I don't have any positive feelings for that. I will not be this man's punching bag. He can take his negative feelings and walk on.
So, since you don't want to hit her or hurt her ever again then what is your plan? What are you going to do so that you can become a safe partner? Just saying you want to be a safe partner isn't enough, not even close.
 

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Discussion Starter #107
So, since you don't want to hit her or hurt her ever again then what is your plan? What are you going to do so that you can become a safe partner? Just saying you want to be a safe partner isn't enough, not even close.
It seems like it probably comes down to habituation. So, I think I need build new habits to respond differently when stressed. Thinking about it, it's like a child throwing a tantrum. I am just used to throwing my arms around and talking **** when angry with her. If I can break that habit, I guess the problem would be fixed.
 

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The member "aine" is female.

You know, it really isn't a good idea to not give your partner space when she is upset or you are upset. It is bullying and the person being restrained starts to feel panicky. Don't try to control the outcome of the dispute by insisting they stay and verbally duke it out. They may need time to sort and get their thoughts in order so they don't say something they will regret later.
 

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It seems like it probably comes down to habituation. So, I think I need build new habits to respond differently when stressed. Thinking about it, it's like a child throwing a tantrum. I am just used to throwing my arms around and talking **** when angry with her. If I can break that habit, I guess the problem would be fixed.
You're right, to an extent, however you need to make a real plan AND see that plan through to the end. How are you going to break the unhealthy habits and replace them with healthy ones? How are you going to get to the source of your anger and uproot it? And on, and on.

Dealing with your anger is far more than just forming new habits.

You need to find the source of your anger and really, truly deal with whatever that issue is. Until that happens, you will never be a safe partner.

You need to learn your anger patterns so that you can spot them before having an outburst and create a gap between the trigger and the reaction.

You need to learn anger management techniques to use in day to day life and during that gap. You need to practice these techniques every single day.

You need to change the way you think and process situations. It's not just about your actions, it's about what's going on in your head, your perception, and your emotional awareness.

If you don't put in the real work and don't get to the root cause of your anger, then all you're doing is slapping on a bandaid and that never, ever works.
 

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I'm not an especially large man, no. I'm pretty average in size. However, I don't care much for your idea of other men taking me out to fight. Is that why you asked how big I am? To know whether these guys could beat me? I would have to defend myself with all I had and try to eliminate that threat. Personally, I don't like the idea of any man thinking he could physically interject himself into another man's marriage.
@aine is a woman. She was telling you how the men in her family deal with a man who beats his wife.

I was married to a man who was physically violent. He was not some big man. He was only 3 inches taller than me. But men, are much stronger than women regardless of their size.

I do think it is helpful for you to hear from other women who have been married to a man who treated us the way you treat our wife. Your wife most likely feels about your abuse you dish out about the same way the vast majority of all women who are physically abused feel. At one time I loved my husband. But over time he became physically abusive. Between times of when he was violent he would be very good to me. But eventually he would start throwing things, breaking things, etc. And if I did not say/do exactly what he wanted he would turn that violence on me. I was walking on eggshells all the time. It became a horrible way to live because I was afraid of him all the time and it killed all the love I had for him. When I left him I never looked back. He tried over and over with all kinds of promises to get me to come back. Why would I not go back? Because I did not trust him.

You have a choice to make here. You can go to anger management counseling and even find self help books that teach a person who do handle their emotions and anger without violence. You can change the way you react and not do it in a dangerous, violent manner.
 

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I am in your wife’s position right now. I live with an emotional and short tempered person. It is exhausting to worry what is going to make him upset at every moment. It doesn’t take a lot to make him upset or angry. How kids walk around the the house, why is a glass of water here or there, you know these litte things can turn into huge arguments, ready for divorce and I am so sick dealing with his drama. I wished he meant what he says to me when we fight that he is not happy and wants to leave. He will never ever leave me. :( He raises his voice at me and the kids. He causes 99% of our fights and he is the one who plays the victim. I feel like I have three kids and my husband is the trouble one. Even when he is sick, not feeling good, is going to cause drama.
If I leave, I will leave like your wife, without saying a thing, because I am scared to say it on his face. Anything is possible. He will act like crazy for sure.
Let her go. If I go, I am not coming back at him. I need my peace of mind that he took away from me for 16 years.
 

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@Frithy when I asked what were you teaching your kids, that you were a big man, I did not mean in the physical sense but in a methaphorical sense. Obviously the nuances of the English language have got us at cross purposes.
My story is my story, I think any man who uses physical violence or aggression on his wife or whomever, needs to be called out. you don't like being called out do you? That is the sign of a coward, picking on weaker people. Hence my sharing of what happens in my country to such men. Men like you can dish it out but cannot take it., so what does that say about you?
And no it doesn't give me any pleasure in calling out a man like you. It is sad that we have men in this world like you who think that its ok to use their male aggression against a woman. And you can cut all the 'oh woe is me' bull ****. I find it hard to believe that you would be offended by a few people on the internet. So perhaps you are not a hard man after all? Most abusers are scared ****less when confronted with someone who stands up to them, then they play the victim. Go and get yourself some therapy and anger management counselling.
 

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Yeah, you are right. I don't want to ever hit her or hurt her in any way. I just don't care for that man from before saying he wanted to fight with me and even worse, he wanted to have a mob attack me. It's easy to be a tough guy online. You know, if he wants to say I should be a better man, okay, yeah, I agree. I want to work on this. But for him to want to challenge me like he is some cowboy, I don't have any positive feelings for that. I will not be this man's punching bag. He can take his negative feelings and walk on.

@Frithy
Your quote above.
1. I am not a man
2. I am a married mother of two
3. Just see how offended you become at an anonymous person on the internet simply sharing with you what happens to men who do what you do in my country. You feel attacked, offended maybe vulnerable. Now tell me how do you think your wife feels when you use aggression on her? It really appears that as I said before you can dish it out but you cannot take it. Classic bully. You have a major problem.
4. I have no negative feelings about you, I don't even know you but what I do know is that you are still making excuses for your behaviour, still being offended when you have no right to be. You are classic abuser, playing the victim and I can see right through it.
5. Now instead of being on here whinging about my comments, take some action and prove that you can be a good husband and father to the people who matter
 

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You keep saying you "want" to be better.

What are you actually DOING to be better? What steps are you taking to make yourself better, in your own eyes?

Wanting and wishing won't make this go away.
 
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