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Discussion Starter #1
Today, we had an argument about our small business and I became heated toward her. She had been planning on going to visit her family later this month, but then went out and immediately bought the tickets for her and the kids. She said nothing was wrong, but her attitude told me otherwise. After pressing the issue, I found that she is planning on leaving me and not coming back. She said I am too violent, she used to think I could change and doesn't now, and that she feels trapped when we fight because she doesn't have any friends or family here.

My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.

So, her ticket is for tomorrow morning. What do you all think will come of this? Will she reach out to me on the train there? Will her feelings for me force her to call me after a few weeks? Or, possible, will this be the end? We have two kids together, so I doubt she'd just disappear. But, maybe, she really will not come back home.
 

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Today, I kicked a coffee table and it hit a cupboard thereby breaking the glass. Previously, I'd be violent toward her when enraged, but I haven't struck her in over a year.

Regardless, she still finds it pretty scary even when not directed at her and it makes her hate me.
 

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Today, I kicked a coffee table and it hit a cupboard thereby breaking the glass. Previously, I'd be violent toward her when enraged, but I haven't struck her in over a year.

Regardless, she still finds it pretty scary even when not directed at her and it makes her hate me.
Sounds like she should have left before. No way I’d live in this situation. No one deserves that.
 

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My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.

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Ok I understand your point of view.
Now listen because this is important. Do you understand her point of view? Can you please tell us what you think her point of view is.
 

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Today, we had an argument about our small business and I became heated toward her. She had been planning on going to visit her family later this month, but then went out and immediately bought the tickets for her and the kids. She said nothing was wrong, but her attitude told me otherwise. After pressing the issue, I found that she is planning on leaving me and not coming back. She said I am too violent, she used to think I could change and doesn't now, and that she feels trapped when we fight because she doesn't have any friends or family here.

My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.

So, her ticket is for tomorrow morning. What do you all think will come of this? Will she reach out to me on the train there? Will her feelings for me force her to call me after a few weeks? Or, possible, will this be the end? We have two kids together, so I doubt she'd just disappear. But, maybe, she really will not come back home.
There is really no stance for getting into a heated argument. When your feelings stir it does not give you carte blanche to raise ones voice. It is abusive. There are ways to convey one's feelings in a calm manner.

Please advise why any argument must become heated and talked about in inside voices?
 
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Discussion Starter #8
Ok I understand your point of view.
Now listen because this is important. Do you understand her point of view? Can you please tell us what you think her point of view is.
I think she just wants a peaceful happy life. With the business, she was worried about it failing as we are unable to work during this virus. She's the legal representative for the company, so it'd be her that'd face monetary/legal repercussions if we are unable to service our commitments. So, she was talking about giving up shares to make her position safer. However, I can't just walk away from the business we've put so many years of work into. So, I became enraged with the thought.

So, yeah, I think she just wants things to be stable, safe, and without risk.
 

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If I were your wife, I certainly wouldn't return to your home. Why do you feel you have the right to hit your wife? Do you hit your children?
Like spanking? I have a few times. However, I wouldn't compare the two. I've hit them as a disciplinary tactic, I've only ever become physical with my wife when enraged.
 

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You're probably right.
No he’s 100% right.

I can’t imagine having to walk on egg shells in my own home all the time afraid to upset my husband. Afraid he will break something, or hurt me or my child. That’s a wild thought to have to live every day like that.

The point of a loving relationship is to be able to be yourself, and not be judged, and be able to talk about what’s on your mind. She can’t do that. She has to be someone else... someone who won’t make her husband mad.

Home is suppose to be your sanctuary. Where you go after a long hard day. Home is suppose to be a peaceful loving environment. She doesn’t have that.

I hope she leaves you and finds her peace.
 

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No he’s 100% right.

I can’t imagine having to walk on egg shells in my own home all the time afraid to upset my husband. Afraid he will break something, or hurt me or my child. That’s a wild thought to have to live every day like that.

The point of a loving relationship is to be able to be yourself, and not be judged, and be able to talk about what’s on your mind. She can’t do that. She has to be someone else... someone who won’t make her husband mad.

Home is suppose to be your sanctuary. Where you go after a long hard day. Home is suppose to be a peaceful loving environment. She doesn’t have that.

I hope she leaves you and finds her peace.
I've never felt she has to walk on eggshells. I'm not flying into tantrums daily. There are just a few, very select, triggers that bring that out from me. It's not like it's just her, I'd be the same way regardless of who it was. I'm not singling her out for bullying.

Having said that, I can also empathize with how terrible it must be to have someone stronger than you in a rage that could potentially hurt you. In no way am I dismissing her feelings.
 

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Just .... no.

Control for you has become a poison.

Until you can humble yourself that nothing is in your control, you will alienate everything good in your life.
But without control over an important situation, you are left to the whims of others. What if you are strongly hurt by their actions?
 

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But without control over an important situation, you are left to the whims of others. What if you are strongly hurt by their actions?
It's called leadership, and you lead through boundaries... both respecting your boundaries and others.

Anger is little more than blatant disrespect... especially for yourself and is governed in your own fears.

Lose your fear, and you will lose your anger and maltreatment of others.

"their" actions are actions not in your control... only your's are controllable.

Are you saying you have no control of your actions?

If you cannot control yours, how can you lead others in a healthy life?

If we are wise, we walk away from the things that hurt us... for the moment, you wife is choosing wisely.

Your desire to control is costing you greatly, you will lose your family if you do not choose wisely.
 

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I've never felt she has to walk on eggshells. I'm not flying into tantrums daily. There are just a few, very select, triggers that bring that out from me. It's not like it's just her, I'd be the same way regardless of who it was. I'm not singling her out for bullying.

Having said that, I can also empathize with how terrible it must be to have someone stronger than you in a rage that could potentially hurt you. In no way am I dismissing her feelings.

Because you are not the one who has walked on eggshells. Look, I did the heated argument crap with my W. The triggers and my triggers are feather light. At he end of the day it is/was abuse. Yelling all the time or whenever singling out my W or not is abuse. Reading your posts it is similar to me and my anger. Where I put that anger became an issue. In short, anger issues cause a lot of problems. You, like me need to learn to control anger. My anger....my W said get help or she was out. I got help.
 

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But without control over an important situation, you are left to the whims of others. What if you are strongly hurt by their actions?

What important situations require control? You are only left to the whims of others if you let them(your W is at your whim no?) Describe strongly hurt by their actions.
 

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OP, she should have left years ago or you should have been in counseling for the anger and physical violence you've ever directed at your wife.

It can be ok to get angry at times in life, what one does with that anger is the character issue if expressing that anger in harmful ways to a spouse or family member especially.

Once I heard the it's been over a year since I struck my wife, that was proof positive she should have left.

You have to work on you before there are any chances in your M or any relationship.

You can do it but you have to realize you are in the wrong.

And kicking the coffee table, breaking stuff in a home? Never.

You're lucky your W never killed you in your sleep.

It's a positive that you're reaching out to gain other's perspectives. Perhaps start from that.
 

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You know the part where she said nothing is wrong. She's afraid of you and she was quietly making plans to get out safely. So her name and credit are on the line for this business and your mad that she doesn't want to tank her credit. Why isn't your name on the business? Let me guess there was some issue already with your credit ... so she stepped up and did this. But you aren't grateful. You are worried about how this impacts her just that you don't want things to happen in a way other than the way you want them to happen then you throw a tantrum breaking furniture.

But she isn't walking around on eggshells? She shouldn't worry that telling you she is divorcing you might trigger you? What are these other triggers? I mean maybe they are reasonable, I mean I'd get pretty mad if my husband slept with someone else. You know how many times my husband has hit me in the 27 years we been married? I mean we have had financial issues, hidden bad credit, a sick child, death a parent, mental issues, MIL living with us, a failed business, sexual ups and downs, weight ups and downs, sleeping in separate beds ... 0 times. Not once. 27 years.

So what is so triggering that prior to the last year you just had to hit her?

To answer your only real question. I think she made a desperate attempt to leave you and get away from the hostile environment. I think once she is with her parents, if they are good parents, they will do everything in their power to make sure she doesn't come back if they know anything about your lives. I think that some people despite knowing it isn't good for them return to spouses they shouldn't so I guess there is a chance she will be back. But I pray to god she doesn't come back. And I wish you would answer some of my questions, I pray you find a way to truly put yourself in her place, think about someone treating you the way you have treated her and find some empathy. Then you call her and tell her you will do whatever is in your power to help her untangle herself from this business so that as she moves forward being the mother of your children she will have the credit to be able to get a good apartment or buy a car or whatever she needs to do.
 
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