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So after 12 years of marriage my wife told me about a month ago she no longer has feelings for me. As anyone I took this rather hard and we talked and she decided to stay but every couple days seems to break down and want to leave again. We have two kids 6 and 8 and I think she is only staying for their sake. I found out she was talking to another guy she meet online for a couple weeks but has since stopped atleast that is what she says.

Our Marriage really took a turn about two years ago when she was diagnosed with scleroderma. Since then she has has many different issues and end up very tired alot. This was hard for all of us the kids and I spent many weekends forced to do things without her. It was hard since the kids wanted mom to come to soccer games but she just could not get out of bed. Then there have also been times she would like me to attend a doctor appointment with her and I was busy with work. Looking back I should have found a way to go but I cannot change history. Since we talked more about her feelings about two months ago I now understand better what her needs are. The only problem is she go through good time and bad with her sickness and when its bad she just wants to be alone and I just want to help take care of her.

We have went to a marriage counselor but that did not seem to work. She is now going to a different counselor to talk about her problems with the hope once she can get past her personal issues we can then work with a marriage counselor. The only problem is in the meantime I feel very disconnected and feel that she is just going to move out any day and never come back. I know she needs space and just needs time to figure things out but its hard going through life without your best friend and the person you could always trust would be there. I have read all the articles and blogs that say let her have her space but that is easier said than done.

It feels good to vent; any advice is much appreciated.
 

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Sorry to hear your marriage is in trouble.

You alone cannot save it. She has to be invested as much as you.

Her asking for space is really a bad sign.

Do you have access to her cell phone records?

Start reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

She is still talking to the other guy.....imo.
 

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You're free to start looking for a better woman. You've been given a gift. Don't waste it and embrace it. All spouses are replaceable. Start working on yourself now. This is your time. Hit the gym HARD! Get in the best shape of your life and start banging women 10 years younger. Your new life begins now.

Seriously, you need to start looking at the world glass half full.
 

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It feels good to vent; any advice is much appreciated.
It's hard to comprehend how difficult this limbo must be for you. She's likely still in contact with that other man. There's really no time for you to grieve because you need quickly accept that your wife is no longer someone you can trust and then proceed to protect yourself and your finances. There's nothing you can do about your wife. Showing her how important she is to you will not help. She already knows how much you care about her. Talk to poeple who care about you.
 

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I hate to tell you but usually when someone says they want space they are already half way if not already out the door.
Cut your loses...staying in the marriage for the kids is not healthy.


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Still another example of woman keeping everything to themselves and all of the sudden telling their husband they are unhappy and wants to leave. They say communication is paramount to a good marriage. I see why, if these women could simply communicate their problems better they wouldn't be putting their poor husbands through all this turmoil.
 
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Wow, back off for a second you all. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scleroderma. After reading about the effects of scleroderma I can see why the online relationship occurred. I suggest your wife became involved on-line is because it involved no real life. No disappointments in herself or others for the limitations her conditions places on herself or those around her.

Yes she has made a poor choice. Yes if not confronted and her choices become better you will need to divorce her. I can see her blame shifting many of the conditions of her limited life onto you. If so this must be stopped dead cold in it's track.

I suggest you seek out an IC for yourself with a background on how to adjust to a spouse with severe physical limitations. The vast majority of therapists simply have no idea about this issue. While there seems to be a growing consensus and a broader base on the professional pool available for PSTD I have not really seen mentioned any with the issues you face.

Be well
 

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I'm going to agree with most of the rest and say she's probably still in contact with the OM.
However...
Scleroderma can be debilitating and its also quite possible she was hooked into an online affair due to self esteem issues caused by the disease and it never left the online arena even though it may still be ongoing. A couple VAR's hidden around the house car etc would be a good idea and a keylogger for the computer.

Don't bother staying together just for the sake of the kids. They'll do better with happy divorced parents vs unhappily married ones.

Take good care of yourself. Workout. Eat properly. Try to see the good in all things.
 

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Wanting "space" is almost always shorthand for, "I want to try on this other man for size but I want you on stand by in case that doesn't work out."

If she's gonna leave you, she's gonna leave you; nothing you can do about that.

What you do have 100% control over though is if you allow yourself to support and fund her affair and whether you allow yourself to sit on the shelf patiently waiting for her to make up her mind and whether to be her fall-back plan or not.

My advice is to not be her back up plan and not fund her affair.

Give her the choice of being all-in or all-out.

If she opts for all-in then she has to end the affair permanently and be a faithful wife and address her issues with you in a mature and definitive manner, receive personal and marital counseling etc.

If she doesn't choose all-in, then take that as an all-out and give a fair and cooperative divorce immediately and then she can be a single mother on her custodial days and you will also be free to date and hook up with whomever you want without restriction on your child-free days.

All- in or all-out needs to become your new mantra.
 

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From someone who went through the exact same thing and tried everything possible to keep her, it didn't work.(I hated when people told me that and dismissed most of what they said afterwards btw)
I held her hand the whole time she left and was there for her every step of the way. She denied everything about another guy, told me sweet things to drag me along and then turned around and said she is happy and won't be coming home. A few weeks later I pop over and she is making dinner for some guy. I didn't listen to what I was being told, she would never do that to me......well, she did. 17 years, 1 child.
In hindsight I should of did the "180" immediately and that may of worked. If it didn't work, at least it would of helped me faster then it did. I have many posts on here so you can look them up.
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

It was soul crushing, and still is some days(almost 9 months in). I'm a lot better now, but still have bad days.
I now look at it as she suddenly died and grieve it that way. She isn't the person I thought she was, and will never be although I still love her, it is fading with time.

Stop, do the "180". Go to therapy, and at least for the meantime pretend you are strong and don't care. Let your actions show her that you are willing to let her go if that is what she wants. Don't be cold, don't be clingy, just matter of fact. Hold the tears in until she is not around. I did all the wrong things at first and I'm sure they didn't help.(crying , begging...etc) Then I found this place and learned a few tricks that helped.
You have a life altering event about to happen. Hold on tight, it's one hell of a bumpy ride.
Good luck.
 

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I need space is code for I want to separate and have guilt free sex with other people or one person in particular. I also want to keep you in reserve in case it doesn’t work out.

The way it works is that the subject of sex with other people doesn’t come up. The spouse that didn’t ask for the separation just assumes that there will be no sex. You’re not getting divorced after all.

The spouse that asked for the separation will never come clean. If caught they will say that we were separated so you have nothing to complain about.

If you’re going to do this at least pin her down about sex.
 

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So after 12 years of marriage my wife told me about a month ago she no longer has feelings for me. As anyone I took this rather hard and we talked and she decided to stay but every couple days seems to break down and want to leave again. We have two kids 6 and 8 and I think she is only staying for their sake. I found out she was talking to another guy she meet online for a couple weeks but has since stopped atleast that is what she says.

I doubt it from her actions

Our Marriage really took a turn about two years ago when she was diagnosed with scleroderma. Since then she has has many different issues and end up very tired alot. This was hard for all of us the kids and I spent many weekends forced to do things without her. It was hard since the kids wanted mom to come to soccer games but she just could not get out of bed. Then there have also been times she would like me to attend a doctor appointment with her and I was busy with work. Looking back I should have found a way to go but I cannot change history. Since we talked more about her feelings about two months ago I now understand better what her needs are. The only problem is she go through good time and bad with her sickness and when its bad she just wants to be alone and I just want to help take care of her.

No excuse for bringing someone else into your marriage

We have went to a marriage counselor but that did not seem to work. She is now going to a different counselor to talk about her problems with the hope once she can get past her personal issues we can then work with a marriage counselor. The only problem is in the meantime I feel very disconnected and feel that she is just going to move out any day and never come back. I know she needs space and just needs time to figure things out but its hard going through life without your best friend and the person you could always trust would be there. I have read all the articles and blogs that say let her have her space but that is easier said than done.

If the other man is still in the picture no amount of counseling is going to help

It feels good to vent; any advice is much appreciated.
Better start doing some checking to figure out what's up.
 

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Scleroderma seems to be a debilitating disease so I can understand why your wife feels low and maybe feels like you are not fully supporting her. She may also feel unattractive to you, how is the sex life?
If she spends a lot of time alone and at home (does she work) it is inevitable she look for some sort of understanding and attention - not a good idea and dangerous.

In terms of this guy, I would not be so sure she has stopped contact, please investigate, there could be an emotional affair or at least some confusion with regard to her feelings for him and you. You need to nip that in the bud now and ask for access to all of her social media accounts etc.
You also said she needs to sort herself out - she probably does but I suspect you do too and need to be more loving and supportive of her.
I think your marriage is not over yet, but you have to have a frank and open discussion with her.
 

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Dude.....You have been given great advice in just two pages here on this forum. Lots of people who have not been here for a long time have commented on your situation. Listen to them! You guys are DONE! Time to shift the mindset from salvation to one of moving on. Save yourself the heartache and shift mental gears to moving on.
 
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