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Discussion Starter #1
I am 48, she is 42. Last child graduated 6 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago I asked if there was problems....she wanted to separate. I told her I would leave home because she makes more than me now and can afford the house. I can't pay the bills alone. She was shocked, but accepted because she was planning to basically skip out.
She states not happy, not in love for several years. There was lot of life stress: Over these years I put her through college by working 70 hour weeks and she went to school full time. Yes I was tired and stressed but never complained. Boys had issues in school. Oldest got busted for embezzlement so I spent time helping him get reduced sentence. Had teeth removed for dentures.She had awful medical scare. Overall STRESS. Never any cheating (both agree) BUT she has a female friend for over 5 years and I do believe she has developed an emotional affair with her. This girl complain if she cant see my wife once a week. My wife would rather spend time with her than me.
2 weeks in, I am still at home (apartment not ready until 7/22) We talk, cry, spend time together. Best communication in over 15 years.
She says she is not IN LOVE with me. Does not even want to go on anything like a "date" with me right now. She loves me due to our long history.
We are good friends. We will remain good friends, but I do want my wife back.
I am going to fight for my wife's love. Stupid or not, I still love this lady.
Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I know I am about to take a huge emotional beating, but if she could ever find her love for me again, it would be worth it I believe.
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Forgot two reasons she wants separation. She says I have been a control freak because I am jealous of her best friend.
She wants independence. She wants control of her life, but she has no real clue what she is about to get into. I did 90% of the shopping, took care of both cars, handled the budget and paid the bills.
This was never a "I want to do it" scenario. I did it because it had to be done.
The second problem is that I have an ED problem from accident in military. We could please each other by toys/oral sex. I want to go to doctor, but money has been too tight most of our marriage. The ED problem did not become chronic until 2-3 years ago.
We had sex 2- 3 times a week up to 2 nights before I asked about problems.
 

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We are good friends. We will remain good friends, but I do want my wife back.
I am going to fight for my wife's love. Stupid or not, I still love this lady.
Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I know I am about to take a huge emotional beating, but if she could ever find her love for me again, it would be worth it I believe.
noas, the following things are red flags to how you're thinking and it's a clear path to ensuring she doesn't realize what she's actually losing.
1. proclamations of being good friends no matter what.
2. fighting for her love even though she thinks she doesn't want you are not good signs.

Draw those lines in the sand if you have to but they are signs that you're taking emotional scraps and that you aren't giving yourself enough worth. At least that's the psychological effect it has on how she views you. Think about it, she has nothing to lose. You'll still fight to keep her if she changes her mind and you'll be her friend if she doesn't. That's the exact opposite things to do if you want her to feel like she's losing something special. You have to place the value on yourself. That's attractive. Groveling for whatever relationship you can get is the worst thing you can do if you want to keep her.
 

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So should I not fight to save my marriage. I FEEL like she still cares. Even tonight she can lay in my arms and sleep. I go to move and she snuggles down. I know the love is tarnished, but should I just let her go because she is lost?

As most long time marriage members feel...I never could fathom not being friends. Is my mindset in wrong place?
 

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Yes.

Everything at this point is counter intuitive. The only chance to possibly get her back is to stop what you're doing.

Practically every guy comes to TAM with a similar story and we all felt the same way. That you can win her back and prove your love. If you can just do that, she'll snap out of it.

Reality is the exact opposite. If you want to guarantee she doesn't come back.. Stay the course.

You'll get all the right advice you just need to follow it.

Buckle up you're in for a long ride.
 

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So should I not fight to save my marriage. I FEEL like she still cares. Even tonight she can lay in my arms and sleep. I go to move and she snuggles down. I know the love is tarnished, but should I just let her go because she is lost?

As most long time marriage members feel...I never could fathom not being friends. Is my mindset in wrong place?
I think you should fight to save your marriage. It's your approach that I think will sabotage your efforts. There's a book called divorce busters that something called the "180" originatated in. Read that book and see if it makes sense. Basically arm yourself with knowlegde so you know something about the emotional dynamics going on in your head and in hers. Good luck noas.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Yesterday was a fun relaxing day with my wife. Lots of laughing, joking, hugs, and such. Remember I am still at home for 4 more weeks. We sleep in same bed, naked as usual, but no sex.
She went to sleep early due to migraine. She fell asleep on my chest and snuggled closer each time I attempted to move away. I got up a few hours later to post stuff here. She came and asked me back to bed. He slept fully entangled all night.

Today was harder. We got separate bank accounts & talked more.
She says she does not want a divorce (both religious and our personal beliefs do not condone it), but is leaning to a permanent separation because of her current status in feelings. She wants to fix marriage, but feels "the fight is out of her". I know she carried the relationship for years while, you could say, I had an A with my job. (70 hour weeks, her college, and stress of running our life)
Jokingly she says I am her Urkel and I am her Laura (FAMILY MATTERS show reference.
I do know the separation will be good for both of us...finish growing up due to early kids and marriage. I never experienced childhood and I basically raised her from 16 years old.
I have looked over THE 180 LIST. I understand the philosophy of it, but it really goes against my character. This is one of the reasons she began to dislike me. I was romantic, funny, spontaneous, etc before kids. After kids I became serious (the protector, Godfather, her names for it)
SIDE NOTE: She is nurse who works graveyard shifts (sleeps 8am-2pm 3-4 times a week) I have a normal schedule. Sex has always been on her off days due to her being tired, even if I was tired from my work. At this time she does not want to see other M. She is not interested in me either. Thought of us seeing other people makes us both UNEASY.
It is not what I want, but I feel there is no difference from what we had marriage wise if we lived apart, but remained married, saw each other exclusively. I know some people have done this.
I know I may not be totally happy, but I feel she is just wanting her freedom away from my control.
Any advice?
 

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Yesterday was a fun relaxing day with my wife. Lots of laughing, joking, hugs, and such. Remember I am still at home for 4 more weeks. We sleep in same bed, naked as usual, but no sex.
She went to sleep early due to migraine. She fell asleep on my chest and snuggled closer each time I attempted to move away. I got up a few hours later to post stuff here. She came and asked me back to bed. He slept fully entangled all night.

Today was harder. We got separate bank accounts & talked more.
She says she does not want a divorce (both religious and our personal beliefs do not condone it), but is leaning to a permanent separation because of her current status in feelings. She wants to fix marriage, but feels "the fight is out of her". I know she carried the relationship for years while, you could say, I had an A with my job. (70 hour weeks, her college, and stress of running our life)
Jokingly she says I am her Urkel and I am her Laura (FAMILY MATTERS show reference.
I do know the separation will be good for both of us...finish growing up due to early kids and marriage. I never experienced childhood and I basically raised her from 16 years old.
I have looked over THE 180 LIST. I understand the philosophy of it, but it really goes against my character. This is one of the reasons she began to dislike me. I was romantic, funny, spontaneous, etc before kids. After kids I became serious (the protector, Godfather, her names for it)
SIDE NOTE: She is nurse who works graveyard shifts (sleeps 8am-2pm 3-4 times a week) I have a normal schedule. Sex has always been on her off days due to her being tired, even if I was tired from my work. At this time she does not want to see other M. She is not interested in me either. Thought of us seeing other people makes us both UNEASY.
It is not what I want, but I feel there is no difference from what we had marriage wise if we lived apart, but remained married, saw each other exclusively. I know some people have done this.
I know I may not be totally happy, but I feel she is just wanting her freedom away from my control.
Any advice?
Yes...Listen to what these good folks have told you. I know it's counter intuitive but it is proven.
 

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When a situation doesn't make any sense it is 99% of the time because you don't know all the facts.

Case in point - your wife has got a tight control over you, pulls you close, yet wants separation and her freedom.

She wants her freedom , but wants you to stick around and be her buddy and the guy that takes care of everything for her.

Something doesn't add up, and I suspect you do not have all the relevant information. Get it before your agree to anything.
 

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She's having an affair.

As soon as you can put a VAR in her car and a key logger on her pc/laptop. Also get into her phone for texts.

You must know what your dealing with.

Been there and done that..even the other girl part.

Of course she wants her cake and eat it too. You are plan B my friend.

You either expose the affair and shock her into coming back or you continue the path that you currently think is honorable.. (which in reality is enabling her affair and making her lose all respect for you) and you get drug through the mud on your way to divorce.

I know you think you can nice your way out of this....wrong.

Everything you are doing... even sleeping in the same bed is only putting the nail in the coffin.

The right thing is the opposite of everything you are thinking now.

Good work on the separate bank accounts though...that was smart. DO NOT sign a separation agreement.

That is classic cheater script for "let me have my freedom to go fvck anything and everything while you wait for me to get done so i can walk bow legged back to you"

Don't learn the hard way Noa. Your story has played out all over TAM and is not any different.
 

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Never any cheating (both agree) BUT she has a female friend for over 5 years and I do believe she has developed an emotional affair with her.
You can't possibly know if she's cheating.

If you suspect something is going on with her and another woman, there's good reason for that.

If nothing else, don't bury your head in the sand.

EYES OPEN.

Figuratively speaking
 

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You can't possibly know if she's cheating.

If you suspect something is going on with her and another woman, there's good reason for that.

If nothing else, don't bury your head in the sand.

EYES OPEN.

Figuratively speaking
Put a VAR in her car at least find out what you are up against. If you want to save this,I would not leave and go in pi mode. If you don't just divorce limbo waiting for her would be torture for you imo.
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
Thanks everyone. I am so confused right now. I do not know where to turn or what to do.
I know I am like the typical M who first experiences this. Wants to trust, believe, accept their mate as truthful.
I know the people here do not know MUCH about the situation except for what I have told you, our lives or the people involved.
I do not trust people (strangers) easily so please forgive me if I may not appear to be listening or taking your suggestions. I WANT & NEED your help. Small town OK does not seem to have a support group for people like me. :( I just have to learn to trust different individuals right now.

I see people saying she is having an affair. I can't see anyway for a physical affair. I know her work schedule and all the extra time recently has been with me. She goes to her married friend's house who I do agree she has an emotional affair with. Of course she does not see that, but she does agree she is more comfortable visiting her and her family than dealing with HER stress at our home.
Infidelity has always been the #1 taboo for both of us and for the kids too. They would abandon her totally and she knows this because our family has always been open on discussion on all things. (of course she has kept her feelings/problems secret, but you know what I mean) As stated earlier, we are Christians. She is lost, faith wise, because she even knows the reasons stated for the separation are against God's Laws (her words).

MY QUESTION IS: Why are so many of you certain it is an affair and not just what she has stated as being true? She never has really been big on sex. She likes it, but she has always had a low sex drive compared to me. I pushed for it 99% of the time. She stated she misses the intimacy of intercourse (2 years now), using toys do not allow me to be in that position for intimacy. Satisfying was never an issue.
Anyway I intend to begin using the 180 Rules slowly until I can get accustom to them. Remember I still have a month living with her and my youngest son.
Someone mentioned a MARRIED MAN SEX PRIMER (?) What and where do I locate this thing?
Thanks agin for listening and helping me. God Bless You all
 

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noas55, I think you owe it to yourself to do some investigating. Var (voice activated recorder) is pretty easy. Also, do you know her cell, email, facebook, etc passwords? You can check phone messages when she's sleeping or in shower of something. Let's hope there's no affair but you really should arm yourself with knowlegde. Remember you're fighting for your marriage so it's a big deal. Big enough to trump guilt you have over snooping.
 

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When you find it DO NOT confront right away. You must gather all evidence beforehand. Once she suspects you're suspicious she'll go into cleanup mode.
 

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MMSLP is linked to in my signature.

The reason many think she is having an affair is because she is following the cheaters script.

A nurse that doesn't have time for an affair. They are in the top two or three professions for cheating. I asked a nurse one time if it was even close to the tv show Grey's Anatomy and she said reality was much worse, especially the night shift w with fewer people around and empty rooms with beds.

Let her know her abandoning you will force you to divorce her and she can take that up with God.

You have not gone to a doctor for your ED? Have you tried viagra? Seriously, did I misread that?
 

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I see people saying she is having an affair. I can't see anyway for a physical affair. I know her work schedule and all the extra time recently has been with me. She goes to her married friend's house who I do agree she has an emotional affair with.
There you go. She's over her friends house. That's where it all goes down.

Infidelity has always been the #1 taboo for both of us and for the kids too. They would abandon her totally and she knows this because our family has always been open on discussion on all things.
Cheating is taboo for just about everyone, until they cheat. Most cheaters take a risk when they cheat because most friends and family of a cheater will not approve of their act. But they do it anyway.

Why are so many of you certain it is an affair and not just what she has stated as being true? She never has really been big on sex. She likes it, but she has always had a low sex drive compared to me. I pushed for it 99% of the time.
Because the signs are there. She's in love with her friend. She's probably gay whether she acknowledges it or not.
 
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