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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
This is off-topic, I'm sorry! Here's the REPOST
Hello, everyone!
I am 21, she is 20. We've been together for 2.5 years. Everything is great, we love and fully understand each other. Except for the thing, that she really wants romantic surprises, and we fought about that several times. I don't really want any piece of this, for me, it's perfectly fine the way it is: we watch tv series every evening, we walk the dog for about an hour every 2-3 days (other times she does that alone, because I work), we go to the movies once in two weeks, we drive to a place to just walk around and talk once in 3 weeks (it's all approximately, but I feel pretty accurate) and rarely go to a restaurant (because no money yet) or to a theatre (because I'm too lazy to book in advance).
So, what she wants is that I buy her flowers regularly, prepare some "cute" stuff, and something like that. Her main point is the following:
— Am I important to you?
— Of course!
— Do you know that this romantic stuff is REALLY important to me?
— Of course!
— Then do it, goddamit!
We've had this disappointing conversation a couple of times. And it's disappointing because I promise, then do something once and forget. For example, I chose the photos of us in my phone, ordered printed versions, then took them and wrote on their backs quotes of our messages in the social media and then tied them to the balloons, so they kinda float a bit. Like here (yes, I totally stole this idea, except for the messages):
But then I just forgot and didn't remember. She says "don't you like how I'm happy when you make this romantic stuff?!" and while I do, I still don't need to make the romantic stuff to make her happy. I mean, of course, she doesn't happily cry like then, but I don't really need her to happily cry, you know. I'm cool with how things going and I really don't want to create another false promise.
On the other hand, it's really not THAT hard to make those surprises, and I even tried to create reminders on my phone to "make something up", but I never actually did anything afterward. Am I just a lazy bastard?
 

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Discussion Starter #2 (Edited)
Oh, it might be off topic, didn't see that I must be married for 10+ years (while I am married for less than a year). I'm sorry, seems, I can't delete this one. I'll just repost it in the proper section I guess. The "General Relationship Discussion". the REPOST
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Hello, everyone!
I am 21, she is 20. We've been together for 2.5 years. Everything is great, we love and fully understand each other. Except for the thing, that she really wants romantic surprises, and we fought about that several times. I don't really want any piece of this, for me, it's perfectly fine the way it is: we watch tv series every evening, we walk the dog for about an hour every 2-3 days (other times she does that alone, because I work), we go to the movies once in two weeks, we drive to a place to just walk around and talk once in 3 weeks (it's all approximately, but I feel pretty accurate) and rarely go to a restaurant (because no money yet) or to a theatre (because I'm too lazy to book in advance).
So, what she wants is that I buy her flowers regularly, prepare some "cute" stuff, and something like that. Her main point is the following:
— Am I important to you?
— Of course!
— Do you know that this romantic stuff is REALLY important to me?
— Of course!
— Then do it, goddamit!
We've had this disappointing conversation a couple of times. And it's disappointing because I promise, then do something once and forget. For example, I chose the photos of us in my phone, ordered printed versions, then took them and wrote on their backs quotes of our messages in the social media and then tied them to the balloons, so they kinda float a bit. Like here (yes, I totally stole this idea, except for the messages):
But then I just forgot and didn't remember. She says "don't you like how I'm happy when you make this romantic stuff?!" and while I do, I still don't need to make the romantic stuff to make her happy. I mean, of course, she doesn't happily cry like then, but I don't really need her to happily cry, you know. I'm cool with how things going and I really don't want to create another false promise.
On the other hand, it's really not THAT hard to make those surprises, and I even tried to create reminders on my phone to "make something up", but I never actually did anything afterward. Am I just a lazy bastard?
 

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Hello, everyone!
....
But then I just forgot and didn't remember. She says "don't you like how I'm happy when you make this romantic stuff?!" and while I do, I still don't need to make the romantic stuff to make her happy. I mean, of course, she doesn't happily cry like then, but I don't really need her to happily cry, you know. I'm cool with how things going and I really don't want to create another false promise.
On the other hand, it's really not THAT hard to make those surprises, and I even tried to create reminders on my phone to "make something up", but I never actually did anything afterward. Am I just a lazy bastard?
So, uh, what strikes me as odd here is that YOU don't need those things for her happiness, and YOU don't need her to happily cry. You're really not hearing your wife here, dude. These are things she wants for her happiness. When she says "don't you like how I'm happy when you make this romantic stuff," she's not saying that this is the only thing you can do to make her happy, but just that she really appreciates this special/thoughtful/spontaneous thing you do, and that it has lasting positive benefits for your relationship. Romantic surprises might say to her, "Look, I thought of you while you weren't around," for example. Look up the love languages "receiving gifts" and "acts of service." It seems like your love language is more "quality time."

My husband and I share a similar struggle around receiving gifts. I'd like gifts more often, or special dates or whatever, but DH often forgets or otherwise fails to follow through. In our case, I'm pretty ok with it, and it doesn't make me angry. It also makes valentines day or anniversary day flowers more special (even if I have to trim and arrange them myself..). If I get my husband gifts, sometimes I am disappointed that he doesn't receive them with enthusiasm. At the same time, he really appreciates acts of service, so simple stuff like cleaning a messy room in our house or making a doctor's appointment does it for him, which is mutually beneficial. I'm sure in my husband's eyes, it would be nice if I did acts of service more often.

You and your wife need to strike a balance on this somewhere. You've got a really good list of "quality time" stuff that fills your needs. It sounds like your wife is giving a lot there, while feeling like she isn't receiving - gifts, specifically. Would it really be too hard to add "buy/make special/romantic gift 1x per month" to that list?

That being said, don't demoralize yourself by seeing yourself as a 'lazy bastard.' Honestly, if you take that identity on, your wife will eventually see that in you and internalize it her own view of you. Be kind to yourself, and like I said, strike a balance that meets both of your needs.
 

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Your wife is actually communicating what makes her happy. JUST DO IT!!

Read The 5 Love Languages book. Things that may seem silly to you mean a LOT to your wife. You have different needs, if she is working on meeting them, then don't be a selfish bastard and be all take and no give.

Use a personal calendar if ya have to, make it a point to come up with something at least every other week or so. Doesn't have to cost alot. Make her breakfast, also have the coffee pot ready to turn on in the morning. If she likes to visit her parents & they live a ways away, tell her to pack a bag & go visit for the weekend. Give her a full body massage with no expectation of sex. Wash her car & fill the gas tank so she doesn't have to stop. Leave goofy notes in her underwear drawer. Something she will find when your not around.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
...
Be kind to yourself, and like I said, strike a balance that meets both of your needs.
Yeah, I'm just calling myself lazy because deep inside I know that's probably the main issue here... Though, I like the possibility of finding an intermediate as opposed to just making myself all the way. Thanks!
 

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Set up reminders on an app?
That didn't help. But I might not have tried enough.
Leave goofy notes in her underwear drawer. Something she will find when your not around.
Seriously, it doesn't have to be fancy or elaborate. (Unless it does, which is a whole other issue, BUT...) Even if you just grab a pad of sticky notes and write "Bae, you look great today, go get em!" and stick it on the bathroom mirror before you leave, that's sufficient. Romanticism is often about the spirit of the action, rather than the monetary value or even time investment of the action. One day my husband made me lunch and wrote me a cute note, and I kept that **** on my desk for MONTHS afterwards because it make me smile so much! Right next to the collection of abandoned hot wheels and interesting knick knacks he'd collected from the parking lot at his job.

You mentioned you set reminders on your phone to "make something up." Or, like, "do something romantic." What if you gave yourself more specific instructions? "Buy flowers on way home," or "Spend 15 minutes writing love letter," or "Make lunch and leave a nice note in it," etc. Pick 5-6 basic romantic acts like this, and do those ever 2-3 weeks for a few months, until you make it a habit to remind your wife she's special to you. Perhaps even ask your wife for suggestions? Maybe not "What romantic stuff can I do?" but instead "What are some of the romantic things you still remember/cherish from our dating years?"
 

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This is why knowing what makes your partner tick is important to learn BEFORE you commit the rest of your life to them.

I really, really dislike like cheesy romantic stuff and it drove me insane when an ex's love language was gifts and romantic overtures. My "love language" is acts of service. I will admit that my ex was able to meet my needs and speak my language for the most part while I was simply unwilling to meet my ex's needs in the same regard. My reasons for refusing to meet those were rooted in resentment and contempt for my ex, rather than resentment and contempt for the cheesy romantic stuff itself. All that said, I am extremely glad my ex is my ex.

If you have some deeper reason than laziness and selfishness for not wanting to give your wife that which will grow her love for you, figure out what it is and fix it. If you're simply being lazy and selfish, the remedy is simple and clear. Set reminders in your phone to do things for her. Go to a dollar store and collect a bunch of romantic cards on the cheap and keep them at work or something. Write short love notes in them and leave them around the house or in her car at various intervals. Buy some cheap candles and turn a regular weeknight dinner into something special FOR HER with very little effort. In other words, quit being self-absorbed before you end up getting no sex and wondering why your wife doesn't pay YOU any attention anymore.
 

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Yeah, I'm just calling myself lazy because deep inside I know that's probably the main issue here... Though, I like the possibility of finding an intermediate as opposed to just making myself all the way. Thanks!
You say that you forget to later do these things for your wife. You'll never forget if another male begins giving your wife these romantic surprises. Don't be so lazy about this issue (for your sake).
 

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Every time you do something romantic, set a calendar or reminder for the next time (DON'T LET HER SEE THE CALENDAR).

The key is balance. Doing nice things just to make your spouse happy is great. Does she do the same for you?
 

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yea, looks like your just being lazy. Its a small amount of effort to make your wife feel loved and special and in return she will treat you special....hopefully.

just like anything it will take a conscious effort but it will eventually become more and more natural to you.

good luck.
 
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