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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm new here and need some advice. But I need to layout our story first. My wife(28) and I(30) have been together for 7 years, married for just over 2. Shes always been very driven and independent since she moved out when she was 16. A thrill seeker, professional snowboarding as a kid, trained sled dogs, a bush plane pilot, the works. Really willing to slum it up to get what she wants, living in dry cabins in winters is tough. But also spoiled growing up having come from a rich family. We live in alaska so we've always had to chase each other through out the state for work since we've been togther. Gota go were the work is in order to pay the bills so to say. I've never had a problem with it because I grew up that way with my parents (they didn't have a lot and had to work hard for everything to provide) and my wife has grown used to it. It has caused us to basicly have separate lives through out our entire relationship. It was like putting our relationship on hold when we were gone and starting it back up when we were togther. Some things just got swept under the rug because of it. Sure we try to make each other priority about talking and spending time together when we could. It was like a vaction every couple of weeks. I even got a full time job in a town while she worked shift work so we could have a permit home. But since covid shes had to give up her job and stay home permanently working a unfulfilling job. This has caused a identity crisis for her. Work for her is boring and the home live has become stale. We both kind of gave up in a way. I took her for granted and didn't put a lot of effort in our marriage because I just grind away at life when things get tough. That's what marriage is about right?
A couple of months ago I caught her having an emotional affair with another a coworker (over her phone because he's no longer in the state). It started innocent enough but worked up to sexting. I called her out on it and she hasn't given him up. Now she wants to experiment and try having a open relationship because one of her friends just got into it. I've been fighting with her over this since then. She wants me to try new things because she isnt sure what she wants, be it a threesome with another woman or for me to have a one night stand with another woman or even a girlfriend. I broke down and got a tinder a few days ago(shes the one that set it up actually and wants me to start talking to other women to see what its like) because it's been months of a stalemate and I wanted a compromise. We've really improved on our communication but cant come to a agreement. I've asked her why shed would want to risk everything we have over this. She says she needs to find herself and wants her freedom back. Just to have the option to sleep with other people. I'm usually very open minded and understand the wants and needs of people because hey were all just complex animals with desires. I'm so full of rage and jealousy, I dont want to loose her but I dont want to share her. Last night she told me she wants both of us. To have her cake and eat it too. He fills her with what I cant provide(whatever that is). I love her and we've been through a lot together. I know shes only human and I haven't always been good to her(I've admmited it to her and accepted full responsibility for it). Ive come to terms about my short falls and have been working on them, being emotionally shut off, lack of communication, a porn addiction that belittled her, drinking issues that cost me a lot of free time and drive, a lack of friends(growing up in a small alaska town can turn you into a loner). Sure weve had some big fights but we worked through it. I've seen her go through depression, eating disorder, shes even been raped while I was gone working once throughout our relationship. Always trying to be there for her and incourage/support her. She refuses to go to counseling because it could cause her to loose her medical certificate for flying.
Now the question is what to do. I love and want her but I dont need her(she even says the same thing). Im afraid to pull the 180 that's all over this website because she definitely has some abandonment issues. Also if she makes up her mind shes dead set on it and just jumps head first in. Ive been thinking about maybe a trail seperation, dissolution or divorce. Weve had discussions about it, she says she only wants her things because she knows everything we have is because of me. I'm the bread winner by far making 150k while she barely scratches 30k on a good year. Everything we have is in a joint account and co signed together. No kids thank god but a dog we both are willing to fight over. I'm glad if I do pull the pin it's the new year because of tax reasons and such and havent gotten a lawyer yet.
How do I handle this? How to I work on myself and our marriage that we both dont want to end? How do I hold onto my dignity and not slip into mallace? I've thought about yard selling everything out of spite. If we do separate what are some helpful things i should know? Or we go through a trail seperation how do I handle it? Financialy? She can barely stay afloat if I cut her off. Or do I just say **** it and burn it all? I wouldn't take much for me to move on if I decide to.
We are married and I'm fully committed to her but now I question everything. Neither of us has done anything that we cant take back...yet... I know I'm a glutton for misery but how much pain is too much? Is it too little to late for us?
 

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If there’s another man in the picture, it’s hopeless.
Yeah, you can’t compete with someone new, it’s impossible. What’s even more impossible is you’re competing with a guy she doesn’t even know, who is using the internet to give her just what she wants and get into her head. When she meets him in person and has wild sex with him and us with him for a while, there’s a 99% chance she won’t even like him in real life.
But be realistic with yourself: do you want a wife that is so disloyal she’d ask you if she can have an open relationship and bang other guys?
She put you on tinder? That’s BS. You don’t have to participate in any of that and shouldn’t. She very well could be setting you up for something.

Honestly, I don’t see any solution here but divorcing her if what you want is a loyal wife that wants a monogamous relationship with you. She’s told you she wants to have sex with other guys. Apparently not only this one.

I can promise you this: you can’t nice her back, and the more you chase her, the faster and farther she will run.

You don’t really have a lot of options here. She doesn’t want to be married anymore. She’s a thrill seeker and apparently her newest thrill seeking is banging new dudes.

I’m very sorry.
 

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I'm new here and need some advice. But I need to layout our story first. My wife(28) and I(30) have been together for 7 years, married for just over 2. Shes always been very driven and independent since she moved out when she was 16. A thrill seeker, professional snowboarding as a kid, trained sled dogs, a bush plane pilot, the works. Really willing to slum it up to get what she wants, living in dry cabins in winters is tough. But also spoiled growing up having come from a rich family. We live in alaska so we've always had to chase each other through out the state for work since we've been togther. Gota go were the work is in order to pay the bills so to say. I've never had a problem with it because I grew up that way with my parents (they didn't have a lot and had to work hard for everything to provide) and my wife has grown used to it. It has caused us to basicly have separate lives through out our entire relationship. It was like putting our relationship on hold when we were gone and starting it back up when we were togther. Some things just got swept under the rug because of it. Sure we try to make each other priority about talking and spending time together when we could. It was like a vaction every couple of weeks. I even got a full time job in a town while she worked shift work so we could have a permit home. But since covid shes had to give up her job and stay home permanently working a unfulfilling job. This has caused a identity crisis for her. Work for her is boring and the home live has become stale. We both kind of gave up in a way. I took her for granted and didn't put a lot of effort in our marriage because I just grind away at life when things get tough. That's what marriage is about right?
A couple of months ago I caught her having an emotional affair with another a coworker (over her phone because he's no longer in the state). It started innocent enough but worked up to sexting. I called her out on it and she hasn't given him up. Now she wants to experiment and try having a open relationship because one of her friends just got into it. I've been fighting with her over this since then. She wants me to try new things because she isnt sure what she wants, be it a threesome with another woman or for me to have a one night stand with another woman or even a girlfriend. I broke down and got a tinder a few days ago(shes the one that set it up actually and wants me to start talking to other women to see what its like) because it's been months of a stalemate and I wanted a compromise. We've really improved on our communication but cant come to a agreement. I've asked her why shed would want to risk everything we have over this. She says she needs to find herself and wants her freedom back. Just to have the option to sleep with other people. I'm usually very open minded and understand the wants and needs of people because hey were all just complex animals with desires. I'm so full of rage and jealousy, I dont want to loose her but I dont want to share her. Last night she told me she wants both of us. To have her cake and eat it too. He fills her with what I cant provide(whatever that is). I love her and we've been through a lot together. I know shes only human and I haven't always been good to her(I've admmited it to her and accepted full responsibility for it). Ive come to terms about my short falls and have been working on them, being emotionally shut off, lack of communication, a porn addiction that belittled her, drinking issues that cost me a lot of free time and drive, a lack of friends(growing up in a small alaska town can turn you into a loner). Sure weve had some big fights but we worked through it. I've seen her go through depression, eating disorder, shes even been raped while I was gone working once throughout our relationship. Always trying to be there for her and incourage/support her. She refuses to go to counseling because it could cause her to loose her medical certificate for flying.
Now the question is what to do. I love and want her but I dont need her(she even says the same thing). Im afraid to pull the 180 that's all over this website because she definitely has some abandonment issues. Also if she makes up her mind shes dead set on it and just jumps head first in. Ive been thinking about maybe a trail seperation, dissolution or divorce. Weve had discussions about it, she says she only wants her things because she knows everything we have is because of me. I'm the bread winner by far making 150k while she barely scratches 30k on a good year. Everything we have is in a joint account and co signed together. No kids thank god but a dog we both are willing to fight over. I'm glad if I do pull the pin it's the new year because of tax reasons and such and havent gotten a lawyer yet.
How do I handle this? How to I work on myself and our marriage that we both dont want to end? How do I hold onto my dignity and not slip into mallace? I've thought about yard selling everything out of spite. If we do separate what are some helpful things i should know? Or we go through a trail seperation how do I handle it? Financialy? She can barely stay afloat if I cut her off. Or do I just say **** it and burn it all? I wouldn't take much for me to move on if I decide to.
We are married and I'm fully committed to her but now I question everything. Neither of us has done anything that we cant take back...yet... I know I'm a glutton for misery but how much pain is too much? Is it too little to late for us?
that’s where you’re wrong. She has done something she can’t take back. She has been totally unfaithful to you and has filled her own mind with the desire for another man. Sadly, it’s a man she, in reality, doesn’t even know. BuT her infidelity has clearly ruined her feelings for you. And yes, she can’t take that back. Her feelings for you have been given to someone else and even if she wanted to, it’s highly unlikely that she could take them back and give them to you.

if you quickly divorce her, she’d probably be attracted to your strength of character and want to come back when these other men are done getting in her britches and her feelings for them have gone.. Would you still want her?
 

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You simply aren't compatible. She wants thrills and variety in relationships and sex as well as in everything else she does. YOU do NOT. She probably still wants you, but not exclusively - she's wired that way, while you are not. I don't thing there's a compromise, unless you can move towards her way of thinking - it's unlikely she can give up something that seems to fit her nature so well. IMO, she may be naturally polyamorous, but you are closer to being naturally monogamous.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Shes told me shes not even sure if she would have sex with him, if push comes to shove. That's is not about him per say but the idea of him. That's she only wants the option/freedom to able to do it. She says she wants to stay married to me, I sure it's so she can play house and have everything tooken care of for while she can go have fun(at least in my mind that's what I'm thinking) she disagrees though.
 

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Shes told me shes not even sure if she would have sex with him, if push comes to shove. That's is not about him per say but the idea of him. That's she only wants the option/freedom to able to do it. She says she wants to stay married to me, I sure it's so she can play house and have everything tooken care of for while she can go have fun(at least in my mind that's what I'm thinking) she disagrees though.
She’s lying. Your thoughts on her motivations are accurate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You simply aren't compatible. She wants thrills and variety in relationships and sex as well as in everything else she does. YOU do NOT. She probably still wants you, but not exclusively - she's wired that way, while you are not. I don't thing there's a compromise, unless you can move towards her way of thinking - it's unlikely she can give up something that seems to fit her nature so well. IMO, she may be naturally polyamorous, but you are closer to being naturally monogamous.

Which so strange to me, a year ago we had a fight because I cracked a joke about cam girl porn. I had no doubt about her loyalty. So much so that it never bothered me that she would go on adventures with friends while I had to work. Or that she worked In a male dominated career. Sure I had thoughts about her not being faithful but nothing for concern.
 

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I’m seeing a lot of this thinking lately. Vows mean nothing. People are hedonistic now, just living for whatever brings then pleasure, and it’s like their spouse and the vows they made don’t exist.

what your wife is asking of you. Do you think she is a good person?
I think she is extremely cruel.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I’m seeing a lot of this thinking lately. Vows mean nothing. People are hedonistic now, just living for whatever brings then pleasure, and it’s like their spouse and the vows they made don’t exist.

what your wife is asking of you. Do you think she is a good person?
I think she is extremely cruel.
I think shes a wonderful person and she has good morals. At least I thought so. I'm hoping shes just confused like she says she is, Hell I'm just as confused. Or that if I talk to other women shell become jealous(which she is really intrigued by, always asking if I'm talking to other woman and wanting to see) or just deciding it isnt worth going through with this
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
One of the reasons she wants to "experiment" with this, is because she just watched a friend go through a similar thing and it "fixed/improved" their marriage. That it could respark something with us.
 

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It sounds like our marriage is broken. The list of things you suddenly realize are a problem and you've owned don't just disappear overnight because you realize them. Her being raped is also going to change the landscape a lot. Her wanting to open the relationship.

There are all very big problems. You don't have kids and it doesn't really sound like either of you are committed so you should probably call this one done.
 

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One of the reasons she wants to "experiment" with this, is because she just watched a friend go through a similar thing and it "fixed/improved" their marriage. That it could respark something with us.
Looks like the spark is for her new internet guy. It’s burning well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Unfortunately one of the biggest things that holding me back is how I was raised. My father instilled some very hard morals in me. I dont believe in divorce and if your willing to get married you should be able/willing to work through anything. It's not just my marriage now but my self values and ideinity through my morals that are at risk. Do I say **** it and abandon them to go live a selfish life? It does sound appealing sad to say.
 

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Buddy I hate to burst your bubble about your wife being perfect up to now but you need to open your eyes. This is not new behavior, she’s probably always had other men but you weren’t around to catch her. You are her fall back plan, her plan B in other words.
You need to tell her straight away that she can have an open relationship with as many men as she wants but not as your wife. As things stand you are a cash cow who she’s milking for all she can. You’ve never had a normal relationship, it was always temporary and then she went back to single life.
She doesn’t want to be tied to one man, and she never really was. Give her the freedom which she yearns for but close your bank account first.
 

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Work through anything probably didn’t include her wanting to bang other guys and set you up with Tinder.

You already used the terms “jealousy” and “rage” why put yourself through that when you can see the writing on the wall?
 

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You want to keep your marriage? First, Expose her to your and her parents and close friends. sunlight is the best disinfectant. Secondly, she wants her freedom? Give it to her. Lastly, have her served. Go dark, and 180. You must act in bold and forceful fashion. As I have repeatedly told others women respect strength. Please avoid the pick me dance as it is guaranteed to fail.

You need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Also, ask her to leave the house, at a minimum the marital bedroom.
 

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I'm sorry that she wasn't honest with you and you had to find out the hard way. That was wrong of her.

I'm afraid I don't have very hopeful opinion for you. Speaking of someone who was likewise kind of independent and adventurous, I don't think she's ever going to be willing to give that up for domesticity. If it were her asking for advice I would just tell her to be sure and use contraceptives because I don't think she's going to be necessarily wanting to settle down and have kids either, at least not anytime soon.

You guys are living a fractured lifestyle. It's actually a lifestyle that requires a lot of Independence. I don't think anyone ought to have to agree to an open marriage. I just don't think she needs to be married. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear and it's not helpful to you. I think she's going to want that adventure in her life for as long as she can physically do it.
 

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I second the opinion that she did not change, probably had flings and flirts all the time while you were separated before in your on and off relationship. Covid locked her up in a cage and this game was taken away. It's nothing new, rather the lack of something preexisting is causing problems. I suggest a smartly devised and lawyer backed divorce. As for your morals from your dad. What would your dad suggest you do in this situation?
 

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OP, would she be willing to come here? I would love to slap her upside the head woman to woman.

It's plain as day what's going on here.....your wife is depressed and bored out of her freaking mind and is looking for excitement. That's why she has a dude out of state.

I doubt she wants to lose the marriage, but she wants excitement and is being stupid about it. This isn't going to get her what she's looking for.

Do you think she'd come here? If she gets rid of this guy you could focus on each other again, since she apparently hasn't ever met him.
 

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It doesn't sound like she's a personality built for a long term or a lifetime marriage. I don't think you can change her so that she is.
 
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