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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been married for 7 years and we have 2 beautiful boys (4 and 5 years old).

We both get on extremely well, except for the fact that my wife is desperate to have another child.

She compares it to torture. In a recent text she said "I seriously cannot cope with it. I don't know what to do about it but I CANNOT feel like this, I've felt like it for over 2 years".

We are trying to sell our house and move into a bigger one, but we have set the budget based on what we can afford assuming we are both working. I think she as seen this as a sign that we now have a room for another child - I made it quite clear this was a spare room for visiting family.

We went to counselling over it about a year ago, and whilst the councillor was very nice we couldn't really see a way forward so we decided to park it.

My son recently turned 5 and that's what has brought this all to a head again (also I have family that are about to start having kids and them discussing baby names is "killing" her).

I would rather not have another baby because:-
  • We don't deal well with a lack of sleep. I really don't want to go through the sleepless nights again.
  • As much as I enjoyed my two boys being babies I really don't want to go through nappies and all that again.
  • Financially we would manage with another, but at the minute we are very comfortable. Because my wife is a teacher we can only go on holiday during the summer holidays - already that makes most holidays prohibitively expensive. Paying for another person would probably rule a summer holiday out.
  • We are looking at moving house, but I'm terrified we won't be able to pay the mortgage if she does go on maternity leave. I suppose this just means we need to make a decision sooner rather than later
  • My eldest has just been diagnosed with ASD (autism). It's quite mild but big changes are really bad for him. I think he would adapt to this, but can we give him the support he needs if we have another child.
  • I just don't have the desire for another child. The first two I desperately wanted, and now I just don't feel like that.
  • We are finally starting to find our feet (financially, and time wise) and have time to do our own hobbies and not just be a parent. I really don't want to give that up.
  • How do I fit three child seats in the back of our cars?!

So I'm left in a position where I just capitulate and give her another child I don't really want, or have her forever miserable and in a mood with me. I don't think she would leave me over this, but I know she would resent me forever.

Also given that this desire for another child is completely devoid of logic and reason whats to say she won't want a fourth or fifth?

I really don't know what to do. I hate seeing her this unhappy, but I would hate to have a child I don't really want. I'm quite sure we would manage, and I know I will love the kid without question, but I'll always be slightly peed off when we don't have the money to do things.

tbh I'm not sure how I expect anyone to help, it's just helpful to get this down in writing. Thanks for reading it.
 

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OP,

In an ideal world both parents would always agree on everything.

We do not live in an ideal world so sometimes one or the other of us must let the other have their way (there is no meet half way on having another baby). If you truly believe that your wife has her heart set on having another baby then you need only decide if you would sooner she had it with you or with her next husband because if she is total convinced it is something she needs then she will do it one way or another.

As you listed your excuses (that’s what they are) you must have known that none of them is a deal breaker for her.

There are two I would investigate further with your wife.

Does ASD run in families (talk to your doctor together).
Sit down and work out what your financial situation would be:
How much / for how long would she get maternity pay,
Would they have to hold her job open / what would childcare cost.

Sorry to be so blunt but if Your wife has been waiting two years already she may not wait much longer. On the bright side I am sure you will love all and any children that you and your wife have together.
 

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She wants to try for a girl, I bet.

She's not seeing that there's a 50% chance of another boy.

Also, when people tell me they want another baby, I always want to ask them what is lacking in their life that they think another human will fill.
 

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I think if you consider it then you should do it whilst in the house you are in now, so that finances will not be such a worry.

Maybe you could save for a few years first too?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I think if you consider it then you should do it whilst in the house you are in now, so that finances will not be such a worry.

Maybe you could save for a few years first too?
I really don't want a big gap if we were going to have another one.

We need to move as we are having real issues with the neighbours (they are complaining to the council because of the noise are kids make - it's an attached house, and despite our best efforts the kids run everywhere). The house is a three bedroom house, and whilst the second room has a double bed that both kids could sleep in, I really wouldn't want to do that.

RE the question about ASD running in the family - it does't as far as we are aware.
 

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I really don't want a big gap if we were going to have another one.

We need to move as we are having real issues with the neighbours (they are complaining to the council because of the noise are kids make - it's an attached house, and despite our best efforts the kids run everywhere). The house is a three bedroom house, and whilst the second room has a double bed that both kids could sleep in, I really wouldn't want to do that.

RE the question about ASD running in the family - it does't as far as we are aware.
Do not move, sound proof your floors, buy the boys a set of "bunk beds", use the smallest bedroom as the nursery.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
We put down a load of thick underflooring and they still complained. The fact is the council will do nothing because it's kids, and it's not at an unreasonable time (6pm-7pm is when they say it's too noisy). However we don't particularly want to live next to them as they are not terribly nice people.

Also, I don't want them in the same room however because they just wouldn't sleep - they are a nightmare if we go away anywhere.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
when my wife got the baby itch after the second one I got a puppy and a vasectomy
She's scare of dogs - so that might help! I suspect it won't quite be enough however, and I'm scared she will slap me if I suggest it (j/k, but I doubt she would be impressed!)
 

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She has no idea that a third child will turn her life upside down. 2 is manageable but 3 is crazy. I have 3 and wouldn't change a thing but dang it's a lot of work. And being a family of 5 is challenging. Can't fit in regular cars, have to have a table for 6, seating at restaurants takes longer, many hotels won't take more than 2 kids, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
She has no idea that a third child will turn her life upside down. 2 is manageable but 3 is crazy. I have 3 and wouldn't change a thing but dang it's a lot of work. And being a family of 5 is challenging. Can't fit in regular cars, have to have a table for 6, seating at restaurants takes longer, many hotels won't take more than 2 kids, etc.
I came from a family with 3 kids and I remember stuff like that. Silly things like family tickets are 2 adults and 2 kids!

:(
 

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:iagree: x 1000!!

I can't understand this NEED to constantly be pregnant and have more and more babies.
Why isn't two enough?!
For me it was absolutely selfishly motivated. I was working a demanding career when I had my first two. I was sad that I missed all the baby stuff. I wanted to have ONE baby that I got to stay home with without the stress of having to go back to work afterwards.

Yes this was a dumb reason to have another baby but I can't give her back. She's 7 now and my husband and I both say we can't imagine our life without her in it. She's a great kid.
 

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For me it was absolutely selfishly motivated. I was working a demanding career when I had my first two. I was sad that I missed all the baby stuff. I wanted to have ONE baby that I got to stay home with without the stress of having to go back to work afterwards.

Yes this was a dumb reason to have another baby but I can't give her back now. She's 7 now and my husband and I both say we can't imagine our life without her in it. She's a great kid.
I was sad for missing out on my son's baby stuff too.It really shook my self worth and made me feel like a bad mother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Yes this was a dumb reason to have another baby but I can't give her back now. She's 7 now and my husband and I both say we can't imagine our life without her in it. She's a great kid.
You rarely hear a parent say anything but this. I know if I had one I'd love them, and I wouldn't be able to imagine what it would be like without them.

That aside I don't actually want another one. My wife on the other hand....
 

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My husband was on the fence. Btw she was an oops and no I didn't do it on purpose. One night without birth control (yes he knew) and I got pregnant. I still remember the color draining from his face when I told him.

No I wouldn't give up my kids but if I had it to do over again I would have stopped at one....two tops.

I got ppd with the third, money was tight, no sleep, the fantasy of another baby was way better than the reality, kids in 3 different schools, etc.

Again though I don't entertain these thoughts because yes this blonde haired blue eyed kid with a script won both our hearts. She's absolutely delightful and evidently it was my destiny to have her.
 

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I too think she is trying for a girl. I know a couple who kept trying for a girl as well, and ended up with 5 restless little boys :) They're quite well off financially and still they struggle.
I think 2 kids are enough...especially in your situation, with your eldest's illness. Why would your wife be miserable and resent you, when she already has 2 beautiful boys from you ? Try to sensibly present her all these arguments or have a member of her family talk some sense into her. It's a big decision,that both of you have to agree upon.
 
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Oh yes, the memories of fitting a family of five in a Ford Taurus wagon. Is it less dangerous to put someone in the middle front seat with no shoulder belt or in the rear facing trunk seat with no headrest? Do they still make cars like that?
 
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