You are really trying to talk yourself and other people into this working, but it is 100% not going to work out. There are a lot of great guys who get dumped on. The whole idea that they will come crawling back after getting this out of their system is a myth too. She's already out. The rest of your life would be like this if you stay together. Is that what you want?Thank you all for the comments.
In regard to the other man, and who knows if there's truth to this, but she always claimed it was never about wanting to be with him or pursue any relationship with him. They work in the same building and she's always seen him as someone who looks like he'd be good in bed. Things did get physical between them, but not to the point of sex or anything oral. Again, who knows how much truth there is to any of this coming from her. There's also a weird psychological component she described that I think would be hard to make up. She had this friend in high school who, long story short, committed suicide after what sounds like PTSD from the military. She said she always regretted not sleeping with this friend. The guy she had the affair with is also in the military and is getting deployed in a week for up to a year. That was her end game. So she said, she would sleep with him because he looked like he'd be good in bed and prove to herself that she could seduce someone (crazy weird AF thought process if you ask me, especially for a married mom) , he would get deployed, I would never find out and she would live with this dirty little secret. She equated this man she works with to her friend from high school. After I found out about the affair and she claimed there was never any feelings or desire to be with him, she broke it off the next day and claims it was very easy to keep things professional and hasn't been an issue since, especially on his side. She actually said it was almost weird how easy it was for him because it wasn't as easy for her, which to me says there were some feelings. She also said she couldn't sleep with him now because I ruined it. That made me smile inside to know I did that.
In regard to the divorce and some of you saying serve her and in a way go after her. That was never her intention really, nor would it be mine. I could be hateful and bitter and make things ugly, especially with where I am emotionally and all the hate that I've been experiencing, but that's not the person I am. I am bigger than that and a better person than that. She's always said she wants to keep things amicable and be really great co-parents to our son, which if that's the most I'm going to get out of this and it certainly sounds like it is then I think I would be kind of stupid not to do that for the sake of our child if nothing else. If we're done with no hope, which it really sounds like it is and I just need to find a way to accept that, then the focus shifts entirely to my son and making sure he still has the best life he can with two parents who love him even if we aren't with each other. Turning things ugly toward her in a divorce is not going to make that process any easier. We've already agreed upon most of everything. We're going thru mediation, not lawyers, no child support, joint legal/physical custody, not coming after each other in any way. I'm just having a horribly difficult time accepting my wife wants a divorce without even wanting to try to work on things. It's unfathomable to me and seemingly incredibly grossly out of character for her, although I question that as the days go by. This also sounds like a chemical imbalance and wonder if there is a component of bipolar disorder.
I honestly think she isn't entirely sure what she truly wants, but right now her independence and freedom and a life without me sounds better than a life with me and working on things and being a family and fighting for what we have. I, along with most of our friends and family, some of whom are in psychoanalysis fields, think that she is very confused and hasn't thought this through. She thinks the grass is greener on the other side. It's not. I have a hard time believing most women wouldn't want a man that will do anything for them and make sure they are happy and feel loved, respected and appreciated every day and provide for them and their children and make sure things are taken care of and are quick to forgive and not hold on to grudges and are happy and positive. Women reading this, does that sound horrible to you? Apparently it does to my wife. This is all a pattern for her that she's engaged in her entire life with every relationship she's ever had. When things get tough, shut down and run. I really hope counseling helps her and she learns to let go of these destructive behaviors and I hope for her sake it doesn't come flooding down on her all at once and one day she wakes up and realizes what she threw away and wants me back because there's very little chance I'll be there down the road. I'll be there to support her and help her because she's the mother of my child and if she's not good then that can affect my child negatively, so in a way I'll always be there for her, but she better abide by agreements and play nice.
So, some pertinent details. My wife (31) and I (34) have been together 11 years and married for almost 6. We have an amazing 2.5yr old son, a great yellow lab and a home we absolutely love. We both have good careers and used to be madly in love. The only argument we used to have was who loved who more. Not the case anymore. She's completely apathetic toward me and states she has been processing how to divorce me for the last six months, but states she's been unhappy for about 8 years. I just became fully aware of how bad everything really is about 6 weeks ago. Needless to say communication has been the sentinel issue of our relationship. This has completely destroyed my world. Since finding out how bad everything is, I've really reflected and made some positive changes. I've realized and taken accountability for my faults and contributions to our issues and have taken steps to correct them and make sure they never happen again. I know we can come back from this.
To me, this is in no way strong enough to destroy what we have and what we have overcome in our relationship. We've been through some hardships with our families in relation to deaths, major sickness, parental divorce, etc. In my mind, this is my wife and my family. I'll never stop fighting for them. Marriage is not something that has a finite amount of effort you put in (unless abusive, which it has never been, nor will be), it is not something you stop trying at. To me, marriage is not the happy good times. Marriage is when things are bad and down in the ditch and you have to work at it with each other to overcome, grow and do better and be better. Marriage is something you have to work at every day. I fully understand that now. Sadly, to my wife, it's too little too late and she states she's too far gone to come back, but I either don't want to believe that knowing that people are redeemable and can come back from anything, or I just can't seem to accept that my marriage is most likely over.
I feel like I know what I need to do, but have absolutely horrible execution of it. I know she doesn't want to talk about us unless in a counseling session. We see a couples counselor as well as individual therapists. I view the couple sessions as a way of working on communication and slowly getting us back to being us, but she views it as a transition to divorce and a way to maintain some respect and civility toward each other for the sake of our son and being good effective co-parents. I don't want to talk about us knowing that it's only pushing her further away and the fact that no woman wants to see a man begging and pleading and seeming desperate as that is in no way an attractive trait, but I can't seem to stop talking about us. I don't know why. I feel like I'm looking for reason or understanding of what happened and why we couldn't simply talk about things. I know I have to pick myself back up and take care of myself and put on a stoic face and act like I'm moving on and ultimately that will be healthier for me in the long run even if it doesn't work out, but I want more than anything for my family to stay intact and my wife and I to love each other deeply like we used to do and for my son to grow up in a happy loving two parent household. She used to say that when we were good, we were great and totally untouchable. She's even said she could see us getting back together in a few years, although lately she says those feelings are leaving now to.
This all hit the fan about a month ago. She was checked out, apathetic toward me and I discovered an affair she had been having for, she says, a couple weeks with a coworker who is also married with a family. An affair I immediately forgave. Never once did it cross my mind that I would leave her. She tried to lie about it at first and then I uncovered lie after lie about it, each worse than the last. About 5 different lies in total, but claims she never slept with him. I caught it before it reached that point, so she says. Originally, she said we would be okay, that we would work on it, but we would get back. Then she would flip flop on that probably half a dozen times. One day saying it's not gonna happen and that we're done and then a couple days later tell me it would be slow, but we would make it. Telling her friends and mother she was happy she decided to stick around and work on things and two days after that back to total coldness telling me she doesn't want it to happen. Feeding me all sorts of false hope, leading me on to believe we could get passed this. It wasn't until this passed Wednesday, June 5th in counseling she admitted she never had any intention of reconciling and that she wants a divorce, but didn't know how to tell me and didn't want to hurt me. This whole time I've been thinking we would make it and it was all a lie she kept letting me believe.
The hardest pill for me to swallow is that couples can and often do come back from these issues. Sometimes it takes years, but you keep working at it and it can produce a love so much deeper than you had before. The problem with this is the work part of it. I feel I have put in tremendous effort and will continue to do so, if for nothing else, my own benefit, but there has been no effort on her part. She says she's so far gone and there's so much resentment on her part that she doesn't even want to try. How can you not want to try to save your marriage and your family. She says she hoped for so many years the man she fell in love with would come back and that if that happened things could be great again. I know who that person is, how he was lost and that he is coming back and is already in the process of it. If what you had hoped would happen for so long finally starts to happen, why then would you throw in the towel?
Like I said before, the problem with us is communication. It all started with my negativity. I was never negative toward her or directed it at her, but she would internalize everything and make it personal. So, me providing a negative atmosphere didn't matter who or what it was about. The negativity in and of itself did it. Next was my tone in the way I talked. I would use a tone with disregard to how it made others feel. That was wrong of me to do. Those were my two major faults to her. She says she would try to talk to me about things, but I wouldn't understand, or dismissed it, or just didn't listen. I don't know if one or if all of those are right, but nonetheless, I should have done better and tried harder. So, instead of trying a different method of talking to me or checking to make sure I truly understood where things were, she would try talking to me in the same ineffective way until she stopped talking to me altogether and then just began building resentment. In the meantime, I would think we were having our normal ups an downs like every relationship had, but would get over it and be fine, but to her the problems were just compounding over time, but also never let me know. I really never thought things were that bad between us. We would have our good days and bad. Just like every couple ever.
So now she wants a divorce and doesn't see us ever being together again and all without having even tried to work on things. Like I said, we both have counselors and a couples counselor, but it's only been a few sessions and she hasn't even seen her counselor yet other than the intake session. If we were able to look each other in the eye and say we gave it 100%, but it just didn't work, I would be okay with that. But I can't imagine giving up without having tried everything. I mean, this is our family, we've spent a third of our lives with each other, this is our marriage and our lives. How do you not fight for something like that? Am I crazy to keep fighting for this? We haven't signed anything or even filed yet. Do I keep fighting till the very end or do I give up knowing I tried 100%? The emotional rollercoaster is taking and has taken it's toll on me already. The devil on my shoulder says run, that this is likely to happen again and why would you stay with someone that doesn't love you? Then the angel on my other shoulder says stay and fight. This is the mother of your child, this is your soulmate, this is your true love, you don't stop fighting for that, you know you two can make it and that she just needs to let go of the resentment and see what an amazing man, husband and father you are, were and will be. That you two can and will find true happiness and this will result in the deepest love. The type of love you cant write a book about.
Needless to say I'm torn, but want more than anything for my family to stay together, my wife and I to love each more than anything and to be awesome parents to our child, watch him grow up and for us to grow old together.
This is very long, sorry about that, but ask any questions you want and say anything you want. All comments and discussion are welcome.
Bull****. You know it is. Nothing major was wrong with your marriage until she had another guy to fall back on. She tried on another guy and she's addicted to the allure of the affair. Cheating creates the same feel-good phermones as a drug addiction; it makes you like, sneak, and hurt people just to keep getting the feel good. I guarantee he strung her along and told her to leave her husband so he could leave his wife.Thank you all for the comments.
In regard to the other man, and who knows if there's truth to this, but she always claimed it was never about wanting to be with him or pursue any relationship with him.
You are right about her, but here is the kicker. You have to come to terms with what we said. Any "trying to make it work, begging, pleading, being nice, etc." is not going to work. You want her back. It's natural. It's the easiest way to end the pain. It helps to rationalize that you are "stronger" because you were willing to look past the affair. I told myself the same BS. You'll come to terms that this isn't the truth. It's seemingly the easy way out. "Get things back like they were, just by working hard at it." Sorry. Not happening. Harsh reality check.I don't think that makes a me a weak person, or not have any dignity, or make me a doormat. If anything I think that shows strength in me as a person that I'm willing to work on things and forgive and understand it takes a lot of constant effort to make relationships work. I think it shows immense weakness on her part to have an affair and ditch our marriage and family as opposed to sitting down like adults and having a honest conversation.
OP,She has another man probably he guy she was cheating on you with. when she is cold to you they are getting along good, when she says she wants to work things out with you her and him are having problems cause he wont leave his wife. She is 4 steps ahead of you. Sucks but thats what I suspect.
"She's even said she could see us getting back together in a few years, although lately she says those feelings are leaving now to.
This all hit the fan about a month ago. She was checked out, apathetic toward me and I discovered an affair she had been having for, she says, a couple weeks with a coworker who is also married with a family. An affair I immediately forgave. "
Good thing you immediately forgave that, It should all be fine now!!
And we have a winner!!You wife does not have a disorder. She is not ill. She is not confused.
Your wife cheated on your and betrayed your vows, and she is rewriting the story of your marriage ti justify it. She is full of crap, to put it bluntly. And every time you beg her, she just does an inward eyeroll and loathes you more.
True forgiveness comes AFTER repentance. She has no remorse. She blames YOU. She is likely till cheating.
The best course of action is to give her the divorce she wants in a manner that is most advantageous to YOU in terms of settlement and custody.
I am going to find you a thread and you need to read it all. ALL OF IT. You need to pay careful attetion to how it starts, similar to you taking all of the blame, then see what happens.All, thank you for the comments. A lot of those were pretty tough to read, but something I need to hear and have heard. I know I need to let go and move on. I know she's done and wants out and has been out. It's really difficult for me to do so because I still love her and love my family. I don't think that makes a me a weak person, or not have any dignity, or make me a doormat. If anything I think that shows strength in me as a person that I'm willing to work on things and forgive and understand it takes a lot of constant effort to make relationships work. I think it shows immense weakness on her part to have an affair and ditch our marriage and family as opposed to sitting down like adults and having a honest conversation. The part where I feel like a sucker is wanting it to work when she clearly doesn't and still hoping she comes to a realization that she might. That is not going to happen anytime in the near future, if ever, despite her telling me she could see us getting back together in a couple years. Which, at this point and time, her saying that is complete BS. If you want out so bad, then be the F out. You don't get to keep me on the back burner and seriously, F you for thinking you can. At the same time though, she has also told me half a dozen times throughout these last six weeks that we would work on it. That she was happy we were working on it and telling all our friends and family she's happy she decided to stay and work on things. So, really, I don't entirely blame myself for wanting and hoping things would work. It would come with the understanding of a lot of counseling and work for both of us individually as well as together and without that, it would most definitely fail and if I'm really being honest with myself and heed the information and comments of others I'd be stupid to go back at all, let alone without that understanding and commitment to work on it all.
There's so many questions I feel I'll never get an honest answer to. One of the biggest ones is, and probably always will be, is why did we have a child almost 3 years ago if you've been unhappy for so long? Why did we get married almost 6 years ago if you're sticking by this 8 year timeline? Why are you still here in June if you reached your point of no return in January? I've asked these questions several times, but don't ever really get a real answer. It's along the lines of "well we had good times", or "I thought it might fix things and you'd be happy", or the most abundant answer I've ever got from her throughout our relationship, the almighty "I don't know". But, like so many of you have said, cheaters do nothing but lie and try to rewrite history to justify their narrative.
I know I haven't been "husband of the year" by any stretch. I have many faults and shortcomings, just like every other person out there. I've been a negative person and won't make any excuses to downplay that. I've identified it, taken accountability for it and am working to improve it through counseling and other ways. I know my tone was wrong and apathetic of others feelings. I'm working to show more empathy to others and watch my tone when I speak. I've been impatient with others and with myself, but am working on it and understand it. My wife has actually acknowledged all the work I've been putting in and changes I've been making several times. It also seems in a sense of "good for you, I'm proud of you", but I don't care. It would probably be easy to say I've been a $hitty person at times, as most people are every now and then, but I'm trying to fix it and am seeking skills and guidance to achieve that. I guess at the end of the day I want to make sure I can look back and say I tried and gave it 100%. I know I played a significant part in creating these problems in our relationship, but I've taken accountability for it and am rectifying it, for myself, if for nobody else. I just can't believe I can't say the same about her and will probably never be able to or understand it. Especially since when we talk and she shows the sadness and pain she's feeling and saying she's going to miss the good times and that she's sorry and knows I don't deserve this and never meant to hurt me (which the more I think about it is BS, she doesn't care she did this to me or us or our family). I'm probably just reading into it and it would be a lot more healthy for me if I just wouldn't, but at times she seems like she thinks about it and wonders if she's making the right decision. Honestly, though, I just need to F-ing stop and not think about it or worry about it. It's not my problem anymore. I really want to stop. I'm sick of feeling like this and giving her so much control. She doesn't deserve any of it. I deserve someone that will love me for me and want to be with me. Not someone that has one foot out the door and is always looking for something better. If you haven't noticed during these posts, I'm quite conflicted. I wish I could shut my brain off.
I feel like it would be a lot easier if we didn't have a child because then I could just erase her entirely, but that's not reality. The reality is I will still have to see her and talk to her damn near daily for the sake of our child. I worry that until I've truly moved on, seeing her and interacting with her is going to prolong the healing and seemingly rip off the scab each time sort of thing. The process is moving forward. Not that it's going to be easy, but the mediation is scheduled and I've found an apartment I'll be moving in to. Everything is separated and the house is going on the market soon. I still just can't believe this happened. The pain and devastation is unreal. Screw her for having an affair and all that, but a lot of it is on me as well. I'm not dismissing her feelings, I know it took a long time for her to get here and I see the avenue I provided for it to get here. A lot of it is on her as well too. She could have tried harder. We both could have done things very different. It's just too bad we won't get a chance to. Oh the beauty of reflection and hindsight. It will always be one of my largest failures not seeing it or understanding it earlier. Had I caught her pain earlier, I can confidently say this could have been avoided and I wouldn't be on this forum. In the end though, I will move forward and find someone great. Life will go on and I'll have this lesson to learn from and improve myself with.
All the stories are the same OP, just read a few more posts. Your wife is done, save yourself the pain and get out while she is in limerance with the best financial and child friendly settlement.What you don't realize is your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special about this at all except it's happening to you. All the other bull**** is just her babble which you are concentrating on when you should be trying to endher affair. Which is still ongoing.
All you know at this point is what she's telling you and I might add she's lying out her ass. They all do.
Right now you're mowing your lawn while your house is burning down
You will never get an honest answer so just forget it and as for rewriting history keep the real version of events, save text, emails and document everything as you will hear a lot of lies and you will be blamed for everything.sarnold said:There's so many questions I feel I'll never get an honest answer to
But, like so many of you have said, cheaters do nothing but lie and try to rewrite history to justify their narrative. -
I feel like it would be a lot easier if we didn't have a child because then I could just erase her entirely, but that's not reality. The reality is I will still have to see her and talk to her damn near daily for the sake of our child. I worry that until I've truly moved on, seeing her and interacting with her is going to prolong the healing and seemingly rip off the scab each time sort of thing. .