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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all,

I am hoping this community can provide me some advice.

My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for just under 5 years. We have had what I would consider a really strong marriage with what I discern are typical long-term relationship challenges Which I will go into.

During our time together, my wife and I have been very supportive of each other’s personal progress. I have encouraged her to take elevated roles within her company while she has supported 2 promotions on my end which required moves within the state which we live. While the first move we made was in an isolated, lower population area which she did not like, fortunately, the second move was to a larger city and brought her closer to her family. This move was one that has allowed us to have some really amazing date nights due to where we live. We started our lives together in a 1 bedroom apartment and have built a life where we now have a 4 bedroom home and while we don’t have any children (we have agreed to focus on our careers for this time period of our lives). We have travelled together both internationally and within the US to several cities and I would say that the amount of things we have experienced together is extraordinary. She also works remotely so she doesn’t have any interaction with work associates. That said, she has found a group of girlfriends her age (early 30s) which are of a similar mindset (most have SO while a few are single). I am not controlling with her friends, never saying “no” when she is going out and never being paranoid about where she was or who she was with. I would say that’s a result of solid trust and confidence in the marriage on my end. In the end, I have been a supporter, provider, lover and friend throughout our relationship and marriage.

I say all of that “good” to put into perspective the “bad” things that she says have caused her to say ILYBINILWY and that she needs to do what makes her happy. Keep in mind that we have regular date nights (regular being at least every week or every other week at most) and lunch and breakfast dates sprinkled in. The things that need work are the “day to day”, the connecting at the end of a day, cuddling on the couch etc. Also, other than the times she and I were out together, I would sometimes turn down the rare invite to do a group outing with her friends and their significant others. I now understand why that would bother her because she wants to feel the same sense of pride or show off her spouse like the others do in those group situations.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago, she hit me with the “I’m packing a bag and staying with my mom for a week, I cant do this anymore and I need to be happy”. We have not spent one day apart in anger in 9 years, so of course this was a shock to my core. Needless to say, I am a loving husband so this was something I felt a.) I needed to reflect on what drove her to this space and b.) I needed to try and reconcile with my wife. Since that time, I have tried calling my wife (no response to phone calls) and texting her with my reflections on how I can be a better man and husband for her, including going on the trips with friends and spending quality time together each night. I received no response to that very long text message. I sent flowers to her mother‘s house with cards indicating my acceptance of responsibility in where we are and how we got here. She responded with only a “thanks for the flowers”. While she was away with her mother, I came to find out that she had texted her group of friends and said she wold need their support because she was making a life change and separating from me. Note that this is how I found out about the impending separation. So on Sunday, when she came back, I laid it all out. At least face-to-face I could say very calmly and without losing my cool, that I was committed to making these changes in our lives to make her happy And feel loved. I also recapped all of the great adventures we have been on and the life we have built together to let her know our story wasn’t finished yet. Her response to all of that was a very short, “I appreciate you saying that but I need to be happy and this doesn’t make me happy anymore.”

So with that she wants to sell our house and start the process of a divorce. We are going to live in the house together until it sells (her in the master, me in a guest bedroom). This has come completely out of the blue to me and even though I admit to being faulty in some areas, those areas are not unworkable to the point that you cant even communicate with your other half of 9 years.

A few days ago, curiosity got the better of me. I have never done this in our 9 years together but at this point I had to know. I looked at her phone and found the cause. She has been having an affair with another man. My guess is that since she is at home 99% of every day, that this came about either at the gym or during her time in her Master’s degree class (one day a week). Regardless of the when/where/how, she seems to have developed such a powerful relationship with this guy, that she is not only willing, but actively rushing into a divorce with the person who she grew and built life around. During this week after she said she wanted a divorce, she has been trying to goat me into getting angry or losing my cool. She gets annoyed when I try to talk to her in the house. She has yelled when I asked for simple closure. At all times, I have kept my cool and been calm in our conversations.

I guess my question to the group here is, why would a woman leave what seems to be a perfect life for a lustful one-off? If the things we shared together weren’t enough to deserve a conversation of “I’m not happy” before leaving, then I am not sure how any woman would be capable of ever being happy In life. I assume she is moving hard forward with the divorce and once the house sells that will be it. She probably will never even reflect on what she has just given up because there is already someone there to “make it better”.

What would you do in this situation? It is hard to be blindsided like this and from my perspective I’ve never wanted to spend a day apart much less not try to save the marriage. She just is not having any of that conversation. Do I just make plans to move on with my life? This is so raw no new I haven’t really even processed it yet, much less made that kind of a plan.

Any insight or guidance you may have is appreciated!
 

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If you want to try and save this. Full exposure to all family and friends. Find out if her new lover is married and inform his wife. Dragging your feet or talking will get you nothing. Only your actions will count.

Carry a voice activated recorder on you at all times. She is goading you probably so she can file a restraining order against you and have you removed from the home.

Don’t worry about hurting her feeling or pushing her away. She’s already left.

Take the master back and let her have the guest room.

If you do the “pick me dance” or try to nice her back it’ll work against you.

Go into a hard 180 immediately.

Better put some thought into this. Can you live with a cheater? If not just let her go as fast as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
We keep separate phone bills and checking accounts. Unfortunately that’s just the way we agreed to go about things. We both make good money so it was never a concern to have the finances done that way.
 

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Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

She’s cheating because she wants to. You didn’t cause it.
 

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Get into the 180 immediately. You are doing yourself no favors by taking any blame for this.

The “Pick me dance” will just lower your status while make her new boyfriend look great.

Strength is attractive weakness is not. STOP!!!!

 

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We keep separate phone bills and checking accounts. Unfortunately that’s just the way we agreed to go about things. We both make good money so it was never a concern to have the finances done that way.
Did you get the guys info and keep copies of the texts? Find out if he’s married?

Nothing can be done as long as the affair is ongoing. Affairs only work well kept in secret and the dark.
You hesitate you lose if you want an attempt at salvaging this.

In any event get a good attorney ASAP. I’d interview at least 3.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I did get the info and copy texts. She didn’t save his name in her phone so I’m only going on a reverse lookup search so the name results may or may not be accurate. He is not married or at least the records don’t indicate that. Thanks for the info on the 180. I’ll start researching that method. I agree revealing the cheating is the move but how to go about it I think is the challenge. In the texts I looked at, there was a thread with her mom that indicates the mom and step dad already know. Again I’m shocked none of them attempted to stop it or at least contact me, maybe not with the infidelity itself but to make sure I am doing my best in the relationship.
 

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What you really need to get fast is all cheaters lie like hell. Your wife is nothing special. Cheaters are a dime a dozen.

I get you’re in shock. Who wouldn’t be. It’s a selfish trait. Right now you don’t matter to her,

You do need to wake up quickly.

Do you really want to be married to someone like this? Infidelity is a life long gift. She’s having sex with someone else.

If not let her go as quick as possible.
 

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I did get the info and copy texts. She didn’t save his name in her phone so I’m only going on a reverse lookup search so the name results may or may not be accurate. He is not married or at least the records don’t indicate that. Thanks for the info on the 180. I’ll start researching that method. I agree revealing the cheating is the move but how to go about it I think is the challenge. In the texts I looked at, there was a thread with her mom that indicates the mom and step dad already know. Again I’m shocked none of them attempted to stop it or at least contact me, maybe not with the infidelity itself but to make sure I am doing my best in the relationship.
Blood is thicker than water plus cheaters lie a lot. She may have told them you are abusive, etc. They always rewrite the marital history to suit their agenda.

Be careful. False restraining orders happen. It sounds like that’s her plan. Get a VAR now!!!!!
 

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I did get the info and copy texts. She didn’t save his name in her phone so I’m only going on a reverse lookup search so the name results may or may not be accurate. He is not married or at least the records don’t indicate that. Thanks for the info on the 180. I’ll start researching that method. I agree revealing the cheating is the move but how to go about it I think is the challenge. In the texts I looked at, there was a thread with her mom that indicates the mom and step dad already know. Again I’m shocked none of them attempted to stop it or at least contact me, maybe not with the infidelity itself but to make sure I am doing my best in the relationship.
Do they work together? If so you could verify that way. If you have funds a PI could probably find out quickly. Since you have his phone number.
 

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I am going through the exact same thing at the moment, after a 19 year relationship and 11 year marriage. I hear you. My wife walked out on me and wanted "Space" two days later I get a text message saying that she's got feelings for somebody else and won't be coming back. That was 6 weeks ago. Within 2 weeks she requested divorce. This is a classic Walk Away Spouse (WAS). I agree with @Marc878 that it is imperative to do a 180 - the opposite of what you usually do. She doesn't like you at the moment and doesn't want to be with you, doesn't want to hear from you and doesn't want to be around you. You have done nothing. This is all her. The more you chase the further it will push her away. Leave her alone, no calls, no texts, no letters, no more flowers. If she contacts you don't be too ready to reply. Let her wait then reply in simplistic answers, nothing too much or to long. Don't talk about the relationship, yours or her affair, they don't want to. Believe nothing of what she says, it will be lies, deceit, fabrication and blame.

Make sure that you work on yourself - workout, get a hobby, read, go out, make new friends, go for a drive. It's hard I know (and trust me, I know as it is happening for me right now too).

Consider going no contact. If she is still living away, leave her alone. I have been no contact for just over 2 weeks now. My wife told me to expect a letter from her lawyer. I haven't received anything 4 weeks later. She has also failed to respond to my lawyers queries. My wife done a similar thing 10 years back and promised me there was nobody else involved. She wanted a divorce then too after only 1 year being married - this seems to be common as they convince themselves there is nothing more they can do to make the relationship work. My wife even convinced the marriage counsellor that she wasn't having an affair! Looking back now with behaviour this time being exactly the same, it is obvious she lied. This is the other thing, they will lie and deceive to gaslight you and they will push the blame on to you to justify their actions - again as @Marc878 has already stated.

It is nasty and I feel your pain, but it is imperative that you focus on you. For me, I have been working out, going to the park to reading a book, talking to people, going to the pub and typing my journal on my laptop and trying to get my head sorted. I've had panic attacks most days. I have a hypnotherapy appointment Monday. Have counselling if you can and get a copy of "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis and read it. Do not let your wife know anything about it - it is for you and you only. You will learn a lot if you study it and it won't make sense until you start to understand the psychology of a WAS.

She has left. As @Andy101 has said, take control of the master bedroom. Tell her you are not partaking in a threesome with her seeing another man. Let her sleep elsewhere. Let her work it out and do not help her set up another room or make sure she's ok. Leave her to it.

I don't have a solution for you. I followed the advice given here (and elsewhere) 10 years back and my wife came back, we had counselling and we had another 10 years together. It looks like it was built on a lie and she was off again, another affair, without any indication and without a word and with the clothes she had on her back and her laptop, hair dryer and straighteners. All her belongings including clothes, are still here 6 weeks on. She also took the savings and tried to cash in my pension money and have it directed to a joint account she created just 5 days before she left.

It's gonna be hard work and you will have a lot of heartache. The affair has to run it's course apparently. It took my wife 9 months to come home last time and this time I think she has ruined the relationship as I don't think I will take her back. It's painful I know. But make sure you look after you and leave her to look after her.

Stay strong, it's hard, but work on it minute by minute, that's all you can do.
 

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That’s the rub isn’t it. Even if they come back what would you be getting back? Repeated cheating happens. Plus do you want to put years in with kids involved and go through it again? Then you’ve got major finance impacts, Alimony, child support, etc. most just want them back without thinking.

There are zero guarantees.

IMO it’s not worth the risk. Let her go as fast as possible.
 

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I am going through the exact same thing at the moment, after a 19 year relationship and 11 year marriage. I hear you. My wife walked out on me and wanted "Space" two days later I get a text message saying that she's got feelings for somebody else and won't be coming back. That was 6 weeks ago. Within 2 weeks she requested divorce. This is a classic Walk Away Spouse (WAS). I agree with @Marc878 that it is imperative to do a 180 - the opposite of what you usually do. She doesn't like you at the moment and doesn't want to be with you, doesn't want to hear from you and doesn't want to be around you. You have done nothing. This is all her. The more you chase the further it will push her away. Leave her alone, no calls, no texts, no letters, no more flowers. If she contacts you don't be too ready to reply. Let her wait then reply in simplistic answers, nothing too much or to long. Don't talk about the relationship, yours or her affair, they don't want to. Believe nothing of what she says, it will be lies, deceit, fabrication and blame.

Make sure that you work on yourself - workout, get a hobby, read, go out, make new friends, go for a drive. It's hard I know (and trust me, I know as it is happening for me right now too).

Consider going no contact. If she is still living away, leave her alone. I have been no contact for just over 2 weeks now. My wife told me to expect a letter from her lawyer. I haven't received anything 4 weeks later. She has also failed to respond to my lawyers queries. My wife done a similar thing 10 years back and promised me there was nobody else involved. She wanted a divorce then too after only 1 year being married - this seems to be common as they convince themselves there is nothing more they can do to make the relationship work. My wife even convinced the marriage counsellor that she wasn't having an affair! Looking back now with behaviour this time being exactly the same, it is obvious she lied. This is the other thing, they will lie and deceive to gaslight you and they will push the blame on to you to justify their actions - again as @Marc878 has already stated.

It is nasty and I feel your pain, but it is imperative that you focus on you. For me, I have been working out, going to the park to reading a book, talking to people, going to the pub and typing my journal on my laptop and trying to get my head sorted. I've had panic attacks most days. I have a hypnotherapy appointment Monday. Have counselling if you can and get a copy of "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis and read it. Do not let your wife know anything about it - it is for you and you only. You will learn a lot if you study it and it won't make sense until you start to understand the psychology of a WAS.

She has left. As @Andy101 has said, take control of the master bedroom. Tell her you are not partaking in a threesome with her seeing another man. Let her sleep elsewhere. Let her work it out and do not help her set up another room or make sure she's ok. Leave her to it.

I don't have a solution for you. I followed the advice given here (and elsewhere) 10 years back and my wife came back, we had counselling and we had another 10 years together. It looks like it was built on a lie and she was off again, another affair, without any indication and without a word and with the clothes she had on her back and her laptop, hair dryer and straighteners. All her belongings including clothes, are still here 6 weeks on. She also took the savings and tried to cash in my pension money and have it directed to a joint account she created just 5 days before she left.

It's gonna be hard work and you will have a lot of heartache. The affair has to run it's course apparently. It took my wife 9 months to come home last time and this time I think she has ruined the relationship as I don't think I will take her back. It's painful I know. But make sure you look after you and leave her to look after her.

Stay strong, it's hard, but work on it minute by minute, that's all you can do.
Why are you waiting around the second time? You know by definition she is a serial cheater, right? And I’d bet you only know the tip of the iceberg.
 
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