Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 62 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello,

I have been married for 3 years to my wife. My wife is a housewife & is very beautiful , loving ,caring , compassionate, romantic but gets very emotional over small petty issues. I have a 9am to 8am (at times I work till 9pm or 10pm) job 5 days a week (sometimes I go in on weekends) which is very very stressful , I cant change or move on as the job market in the city I work is quite bad. For the first 2 years in marriage I had compromised on any demand she wanted (ie: don't meet friends as they are a waste of time, don't go out with colleagues as its useless, spend more time with me , take me here & there). I had been bending down to her demands as I thought its the right thing to do as a husband. After the first 2 years I got tired of her me expecting to always compromise. Everytime I want to go out with friends or invite friends\colleagues at home hell breaks loose. I spend the 2 days weekend only with her & just 2 hours with my family. I try my maximum best spend really quality time with her as any wife would expect (out for movies, walk in the beach \ parks, lunch/dinners out) but it never seems to be enough with her. I had moved out to another city to escape traffic & spend more time with her. Anyways moving down 2 years I wanted some time to myself & enjoy life ( BTW I got married when I was 25 & was a very shy & reserved person back then . My wife is 3 years older than me) . I wanted to go out and mingle with people , do something different with other couples or friends but my wife finds all this useless & is firm on her decision that life revolves around a husband & wife only. I had still put up to her demands as whenever I be honest with her she gets emotionally broken down . I realized this after a couple of months in our marriage so I always sugar coat my words with her (I didn't date my wife & we only had a long distance relationship trough phone calls & skype)

Coming to the point of cheating I had gone out with 3 female colleagues of mine for a night out for drinks & clubbing . My wife found about the night out after hacking my facebook account & checking out messages . After the incident & a heated argument she is demanding for a divorce. I just went out for a good time & funny business was involved as I am good friends with my colleagues. With my wife I cannot be the real person I am , I have to always sugar coat my words so that she doesn't go emo & break down. If I don't sms her from work that I love her & miss you (as I mentioned earlier my job is very stressful & demanding) she says that I don't love her anymore..After a stressful day at work she expects to make love to her every night (she has a huge sexual appetite) . Couple of time I had erectile dysfunctions due to stress ; even though I told her its stress she wouldn't accept the fact & she breakdown's & says I dont love her any more.... She wont comprehend the fact that its work stress. We have huge fights over this whole night till dawn & she knows the fact the next day I have office. If I am quite she will say why dont you talk, If I talk she will say calm down, If I go out to have a smoke she wont allow me to go out , if she wants to go out she expects me to allow her. I have put up to all her demands but she wants more & more (I am referring to quality time with her, not materialistic demand) . Its like I am puppet..

My wife is willing to let go about what happened , not to proceed with the divorce & continue on our relationship. But I am confused as I cannot go on & bending down to her demands & be secluded from the whole world just to be with her. After all the drama she accepted the fact that she was wrong on not allowing me to invite friends at home or go out with them . She is saying all this now but I know how she is. She will go all emo in the future & hell will break loose.

At the moment she is at her parents place & I am staying alone. We do talk on occasions over the phone & have a pleasant conversation. I am enjoying the time without her but in the back of my mind I keep thinking of her. She says she is missing me & I too am missing her. I love her but when she expects me not to socialize & only go according to her wishes it pricks me , it feels like I am chained to the wall. She is over possessive about me & this is another fact I hate. I had discussed my view to her but she is like she has the right over me as she is my wife. On a side note I come from a background where my dad is the authoritative figure in the family , on her side its her mom who is authoritative figure. I think this has to do something with her views on life & her right over me.

I had spoken to my family about this & they will support me through the divorce if I want to go ahead. Thankfully (blessing or not) we don't have children . Her family is also demanding a divorce in the light of the incident on which I had gone out with female colleagues . Note that she & her family is a very conservative whereas me & my family are very liberal. She comes from a background where women mingling with men isnt allowed , where as I come from a background where my family used to throw huge parties & where socializing is normal. Btw I am from Pakistan. Please excuse me for my English as its not my first language.

I need a third party view on the situation as I believe it will give me a non biased view on the situation. Thank you & God bless.

Just wanted to add that when any fight comes up she says I want a divorce. I admit that I am a bit thick skinned & hot headed but its due to the situation . Before marriage I never experienced any situation in which I got hot headed.At times she forced me for a divorce..Usually after a couple of days she is bright & chirpy as if nothing happened...I had watched the movie Revolutionary Road & it relates to my life (other then the sex with the colleague) :scratchhead:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,446 Posts
Mismatched personalities.
Mismatched views on marriage.
Mismatched views on gender roles.
Mismatched lifestyles.
Mismatched backgrounds.
Mismatched communication styles.
Mismatched temperaments.
Mismatched families.
Mismatched morals.
No children.

And you seriously are asking IF you should divorce?

You married the wrong woman. Move on and learn from your mistake. Try and actually get to know your next love and marry somebody who you are comfortable showing the "real you" and loves, cherishes, and respects that person.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
Hiding things is never good for marriage, this includes your feelings. You shouldn't have to sugar coat things (as you put it) or walk on eggshells. She shouldn't have to 'hack' into Facebook to find out what you are up to. If you want an open and honest relationship then you should conduct yourself in an open and honest way.

That said... You two aren't on the same page about some very fundamental things. How did you manage to get married when you are so incompatible?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
"I had gone out with 3 female colleagues of mine for a night out for drinks & clubbing . My wife found about the night out after hacking my facebook account & checking out messages"

How sad she had to find out this way, are you always secretive? I would have been upset too so I will side with her on this one. It can be very damaging to your marriage to be doing things be hide her back, its not what you did but the lying (being secretive) that causes damage.

I think your behavior can contribute to hers and vice versa, you don't tell her things, she gets suspisus then gets upset and demanding, so you do the same things over and over.

Are you missing the single life, or has her way of living kept you like a bird in a cage and now you need space? is something else going on? are all your friends single? How old are you both?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Many thanks jaquen for the input. But do you think going out with female colleagues for drinks is wrong? is is considered cheating? I hadnt informed her about it till she found out because I know she will go emo & ask for a divorce.. Is it a fault on my part? I tried in the start to take her out with my friends & colleagues.. in only one occasion she came out & after that she is like my friends are weird & if in the future an occasion come up like job loss my friends wont support me. I am unemployed at the moment & my friends who she always said wont support me are supporting me in this tough time..one of my friend who she called wierd & unfriendly is financially supporting me ....She used to blame that my mom is not happy with her & at this moment my mom is the one who is saying think twice before divorcing her as she is a girl...It seems she has a magic bowl in front of her which depicts a false future..

At this moment she talks to me on the phone as if nothing happened & there is no divorce talks going on...at the moment the situation is very complicated as family is involved. She used to complain to her brother that I dont give her ample time , and her brother used to call my dad saying please advice your son. When my dad calls me up & asks whats going on we are usually at the movies or in the park or out shopping... My dad hadnt mentioned about the calls to me & it came to my light after the divorce talks. She claims that she never complained to her brother....then how did my dad get the calls? It has boiled down to a siatuation where I hear two stories from her & her family side & from my family side(parents & sister) . I know my family very well as I have been with them & they taught me morals & family value. I can never imagine my dad or sister cooking up a story or lying as I know them in & out....

I am sorry to pour all my feelings down on this forum .......

didnt want the divorce to happen...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
980 Posts
Divorce

you two are not right for each other and why would you want to be married to someone who seems to be unstable? A person who you say you can't be yourself around?

Sounds horrible
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
It doesn't sound like any divorce is happening so don't assume it is unless you get served some papers.

Too many people are in your marital business. Way too many.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,446 Posts
Many thanks jaquen for the input. But do you think going out with female colleagues for drinks is wrong? is is considered cheating?
There is no right or wrong for this question. It totally depends on the marriage.

I don't believe going out with female colleagues for a couple of drinks is wrong. But I married a woman who doesn't see this as wrong, so it's a non-issue in our marriage. Neither one of us would ever consider this cheating.

Others have different boundaries. What matters is that the husband and wife agree. These type of things need to be discussed and agreed upon BEFORE you wed.

You and your wife do not.


I am sorry to pour all my feelings down on this forum .......

didnt want the divorce to happen...
Don't ever apologize for expressing your feelings.

Why do you want to stay married to this woman?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,031 Posts
Op,

Divorce and learn from this. I also recommend you do some counseling. Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Next time take it slow and get to know this person.

Also please don't have sex with her and knock her up. Nothing worse than having to go through custody with an unstable ex.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
A Bit Much & mablenc thanks for your views. As I said If I been honest with her she will get all emo. I have to always sugar coat things just to make her happy. I had sacrificed my entire social life & time for myself(studying & working out) just to please her.Even if I had told her that I am going out with female colleagues she wont accept & she demands that I get her permission. This would boil down to a heated debate & she would ask for a divorce. As I pointed out in the post that even for small petty issues she will ask for a divorce (calling out friends at home , going to with friends\colleagues , coming late from work - I do not go to work to party & play around , I spend 10-12 hours a day in the office & before leaving I call her from my office landline just to show her that I am in the office & not goofing around).

I have to always sugar coat things for her . I am just tired of that & I cannot be just myself. Should I just keep sugar coating things & give in to her every demands? Is this what marriage is all about? Becoming a person you are not? doing your level best & your spouse just wants more & more & is ignorant of the fact of the amount of time I spend with her?? In the three years of marriage I had hardly bought anything for myself whatever she wants I get it for her even though I know I will be financially strained! I have been using the same tshirts / jeans / shoes for the past 3 years just so that she can buy what she wants.

Coming to the question about the colleague.Two of the female colleagues are married & I know there husbands personally , one of them is single. I had tried my best to take her out & introduce my wife to them but she wouldnt want it & she just wants to spend time with me....I spend all my weekends with her & the time in the night after work (9pm to 1pm) & that time is never enough. I moved to an expensive apartment near my office just to get more time & spend it with her. I was staying with my family & she always complained about things... I try my level best ; even if there is a holiday I spend time with her...how much more time a person can give?? Should I expect nothing in return? Shouldn't I have any time for myself?

A Bit Much - we got married even though our parents didn't agree. My father warned me she isnt the right person to get married to due to different backgrounds but me being the fool I am in & I was in love we got married......
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
Bottom line is she is not and will not be satisfied with what you do.

Is this how you want to live? Doesn't sound like it. You had plenty of warning before marrying her of how she is and even your family warned you.

Either you lay in the bed you made or give her what she wants and you need. Own up that you made huge mistake and start the divorce process.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
You don't say how old you are, could it be that you both married very young? Also, I don't think any married woman would just let her husband to out with female friends just like that, there has to be a strong trust between both of you. While I do believe in some "me time" you need to have a stronger marriage before you go out like that, otherwise you both are going around in circles.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
You don't say how old you are, could it be that you both married very young? Also, I don't think any married woman would just let her husband to out with female friends just like that, there has to be a strong trust between both of you. While I do believe in some "me time" you need to have a stronger marriage before you go out like that, otherwise you both are going around in circles.
Posted via Mobile Device
@mablenc...I am 28 & she is 31... We got married when I am 25 & she was 28...She used to work but she always leaves the job after 2-3 months stating reasons like the salary is not enough, sexual harassment , I get too tired,the boss is not good...Over the period of 3 years she shifted like 6 jobs...& the maximum time she worked for a company is 4 months....at the moment she is at her parents place in her home country & doing nothing.... She used to complain when she was staying with me that she is all alone & now that she is with her family she is saying me she feels alone even with her family as I am not around. I adviced her go out and make friends with your colleagues ,, she will be like no she is like this , like that & so on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
Ok reading into your post, I now see a few things, she may be in culture shock and you are enjoying the culture. While my husband and I dated long distance we got to know eachother very well so there were no surprises later.
However maybe you didn't see that you are not compatible which is easy to oversee when you think sharing the same culture will be enough.

Jaquen is right, you both should be inspiring one another. Would she be open to marriage counseling?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
@mablenc...I am 28 & she is 31... We got married when I am 25 & she was 28...She used to work but she always leaves the job after 2-3 months stating reasons like the salary is not enough, sexual harassment , I get too tired,the boss is not good...Over the period of 3 years she shifted like 6 jobs...& the maximum time she worked for a company is 4 months....at the moment she is at her parents place in her home country & doing nothing.... She used to complain when she was staying with me that she is all alone & now that she is with her family she is saying me she feels alone even with her family as I am not around. I adviced her go out and make friends with your colleagues ,, she will be like no she is like this , like that & so on.
Ok then, this makes sense, she's complicated to say the least. Is she never happy with anything? In this case you may want to divorce because she's not going to change unless she really want to and it takes lots of hard work and therapy. At least year.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
99 Posts
As I said If I been honest with her she will get all emo. I have to always sugar coat things just to make her happy.
You don't HAVE to do anything. You can be honest and accept the consequences. If she has a meltdown so be it. It sounds like you are just trying to avoid confrontation and trying to rationalize that you have no choice.

I had sacrificed my entire social life & time for myself(studying & working out) just to please her.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that this approach can never work long-term. Your resentment will build to the breaking point.

The sense I am getting is that she is controlling and was looking for a meek, mild-mannered person who would do what she wants. And for the most part she's found it. Time to man up.

Time to cut your losses, find someone less manipulative and controlling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Ok then, this makes sense, she's complicated to say the least. Is she never happy with anything? In this case you may want to divorce because she's not going to change unless she really want to and it takes lots of hard work and therapy. At least year.
Posted via Mobile Device
Yes she is complicated but I have tried my best to keep her happy.
The only time she is happy when she gets what she wants. Even after getting what she wants (quality time or other small pleasures like clothes, shoes , bags) she will complain I dont give her enough time...I spoke to her last week & she is like she remembers each & every moment ... I have to a feeling she is only expressing this for me to get in a better mood & not proceed with the divorce..As stated at the moment I am unemployed she expects me to migrate to Europe or to my home country & work there...I had told her that my dad is retiring this year & I might have to support my family....But over 3 occasions she bought up the topic even though I told her its a clear NO. My parents had educated me in high school in very troubled times (when he was jobless for 2 years) & I dont expect to leave them in the dark when they retire. But she is like you can migrate & then call your parents to stay with you in Europe after a year or two...I dont get it ..she wants a better future for me even though she clearly knows that I dont want to migrate at the moment. I am happy in the city i am in (Dubai - UAE) & I will continue to look for a job in Dubai for how long it takes as my parents are in the same Country (they stay in a different state)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
928 Posts
No kids makes this much less complicated. Admit you made a mistake (to her) and do the honorable thing by telling her exactly what your feeling and thinking. She is not a child and should be able to handle the truth. If she can't deal with it then she should not be married anyway. Don't cheat or go out with other women until your divorced or legally seperated. You don't want any quilt baggage affecting your next relationship. Your both young so this isn't a "life disaster. If you wait 20 years to leave (After you have a couple of kids!) then it will be. Act now or forever hold your peace....
 
1 - 20 of 62 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top