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Discussion Starter · #41 ·
You have assets. Sell her jewelry and clothes to get some immediate cash. She's abandoned them and you haven't filed for divorce yet so they are your property. I don't know if that would hold up in court; but, you can beg for forgiveness later.
Lol! Good idea, but that would go against my morals - I will not let this situation turn me vindictive, immoral or see me enter into an unfair mindset. Seriously though, I will not compromise my morals, like she has hers. Although it may not feel like it, as I feel pathetic at the moment, I am the one holding my head up high and haven't compromised my integrity or what I stand for. I will remain fair and equitable, but will not allow myself to sink into blame or persecution (which is such an easy path to take). On the other hand, she has compromised her integrity, proven her dishonesty and shown that she is not willing to discuss issues so that they can be addressed and therefore, destroyed any credibility she had, as far as I am concerned. Really, if you think about it, she hasn't got anything about her really. If your word and actions are not what you say they are to others, then you are seen as untrustworthy, dishonest and unreliable, even though people may still stand by and support you still, I do wonder what they really think, or what story she has painted them. But surely they will be able to see that she has left me for another, if that really is the case, and as such must question her morals?

What I say I keep to. How I say I will be, I am and I do keep to. If I agree to something, I will keep to that agreement (including marriage) - as long as love shall last we said - mine is still there, hers isn't. If I promise something, I will keep that promise. If I say I will look after somebody and love them, I will keep to what I say. If I state that I will highlight and address issues, I wil do that and I did. When I tell her I love her, I am being truthful, always and if I didn't mean it I wouldn't say it. I have pride that I hold this stance and hopefully people will see that I have a degree of integrity at some level.

So.....going on from that.....

Her jewellery is just cheap from a general store. The expensive stuff (and she only has a few bits) is the stuff that I have brought her in the past - platinum/diamond, etc - she always wears. That's a point, she can sell her engagement and wedding ring - that'll be a fair few grand!

Likewise her clothes are not expensive.

I am following up some avenues at the moment to pay legal fees and to be more flexible in this situation. I have life insurance and I wonder if they cover legal fees of this nature. Also, I am considering cashing in my pensions, which I was going to do prior to all this in order to invest in a few different areas for "our" future. I think I shall set up a different bank account. Then I can cancel state support and not have to wait around. Then, as part of the divorce agreement, I can agree for her to leave my pensions alone and I won't claim on her pension or Spousal Maintenance. This gets her out of my life quicker, as I think prolonging it will keep me in this God-awful state which I cannot bear a moment longer. It also puts me back in control - somewhere I haven't been for a very long time. I am on the phone at the moment to another call, but I shall make these enquiries this afternoon as soon as I can, then I shall have more information.

The only thing is, is that I won't be able to draw on my pension come retirement, so I will need some sources of income to replenish and help grow, but I will have a couple of years before the money runs out (more if I'm careful), to somehow build this up or come up with a plan to commandeer a piece of land and build a cob house! Always been my dream! Creating an income is the difficult bit due to my neurological condition which means I cannot be a reliable employee and cannot do the work required of me, but I'm sure that I can sort something out. That is a worry for when this is sorted.

Between the irrational thought and panic, it would appear that my brain can still function to some degree.

I think I see a way forward out of this and a quick Divorce. It's a shame that it has come this as I am a true believer of talking about and addressing issues, but she in insistent on not wanting to do this and the way she has once again "vanished" has left a really awkward situation that I am trying to pick the pieces up from yet again. She has provided the income since I have been ill - 7 years (but not pathetically ill, you understand) and she has also been the one that has administered everything - bills, bank accounts (including mine), pensions, insurances, etc, etc, etc. We have had holiday's and supplemented her income at stages throughout this as I sued a dentist a while back and we have used this also. So it's not that I haven't been contributing to some degree.

The more I think about it, the more I come to the reasoning that I cannot (will not?) put up with this type of behaviour and if truth be told, it is very likely that she was seeing somebody else the first time this happened some 10years ago - if that is the case then our whole relationship has been built on a lie since then. Like I said earlier - lack of credibility, honesty & morals - no respect for me or our relationship either.

Sorry about the waffle, but you response trigger something in me. Push has come to shove.....I think.
 

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What if the genders here were reversed. The lawyer husband walks out on the wife who developed a disability during the marriage. He proclaims feelings for another woman. He controls all the money and leaves his wife literally destitute with little but her intestinal fortitude to get through each day. We would call that husband a monster. A scumbag. A POS, and worse.
Smilieman, that is your wife. She IS that monster. Whatever social services are typically available for abused, neglected and abandoned wives should be available to you. I would make that your next call. Today.
 

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Discussion Starter · #44 ·
Why are you just now thinking about disability?

Is there a reason you aren't already getting it?
Yes. I have a complex neurological condition that is part of Vestibular Migraine (or Migraine Associated Vertigo). I have had this for 7 years and have been unable to work. Prior to that I was an IT Consultant.

When the wife and I spoke about it, she said that she would look into if I would be eligible for support. She came to the conclusion that I wasn't because of her salary. Since she has left, I have come to learn that I would have been eligible for Personal Independence Payments (subject to proving disability), which is payable to the person and is not 'means tested'. So I could have been claiming this all along.

Basically, the wife got her information wrong, but seeing as I thought she had researched it properly, I believed that what she was saying was right - it wasn't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·
I have spent the afternoon trying to find out what my options are from a legal perspective, about how I would fund the cost of a divorce seeing as I haven't got an income. So I called a random legal firm and quickly explained the situation and asked them if they could provide me with a starting point. I got a list of other firms that may be able to help. In the UK Legal Aid no longer covers Divorce, unless there is abuse and violence involved and even then maybe only when children are involved also. So I called these recommended firms, explained the situation and asked if they could recommend a starting point. There is one firm left to call me back, who state on their website that it's a myth that legal aid is no longer available and that I may be able to claim it. So waiting for that call.

However, a Senior Partner of one of the other firms gave me a fair lot of information over a 5 minute conversation. Namely,
  1. It is likely that I will need to do the divorce myself via the Government website
  2. I may be able to get court fees reduced or waived
  3. Spousal Maintenance is a 'Strange Beast' but I may find some luck with it (didn't instil confidence)
  4. That if I hear from the Wife to say I want to go to Mediation to sort out the financial stuff (this is payable, probably by the petitioner)
  5. I may be entitled to "Court Ancillary Relief" and that if I wasn't then going through the courts could cost in excess of £3,000, plus another £1,000 for a barrister.
  6. That I will need an address for my wife - I don't know where she lives now, but I reckon I should be able to use her work address, if it's just for serving documents (?)
  7. That I will need my marriage certificate to apply for divorce. Seeing as my wife has taken all important documentation, I wasn't in hope of finding this. However, after a bit of digging I actually found the certificate! So how come she left this behind then? Didn't consider it? Didn't think she would be getting a divorce? Forgot? Bearing in mind that she had taken her car documents and passport, even though she was only supposed to be going away for a couple of days 'to think'. Shows it was premeditated.
So, it looks like Spousal Maintenance may be tricky, and I wonder if I could use this as more of a bargaining tool for her to waive interest in my pensions. That may be an agreement that I think she will accept. Otherwise, I won't agree to the divorce and she will have to wait for the 5 years separation thing.

As far as not having any money, which is really a sticking point, I shall call my pension people tomorrow to see about the cash-in options. The downside of this is that I won't have a pension when I 'formally' retire and I will only have about 2-3 years drawing on this money before it runs out - so I will need to find a way to earn an income with my condition and I will need to stop all claimed benefits. The up-side of this and depending on how long it take to come out, it will give me much more flexibility and the option of moving faster, without needing to wait for "the system". I get a choice of where I want to be and what type of property to rent, oh, and I also want a dog - a true friend! 🐶 :)

So more information now above divorce and my options to ponder. Not sure which route to take, but this second one wold be easier, quicker and give me access to funds.

Thank you all for taking the time so far, in passing on your thoughts and ideas. It really does help in this most awful situation. 💜
 

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Young enough! Young enough? I feel so old and at the moment like a beat up old car that just won't start.

I have not got the money for a lawyer. I did have a meeting with one and they indicated that they could probably claim the costs from her - that cost me £150. So I emailed them a week later with the information they wanted and asked them how the logistic of claiming fees from her would work, and they then got back to me saying they don't reckon we'd be able to do that after all as the court would see that she is paying the rent here for 3 months (although she is using money from our joint savings). They once again charged me over £200 for replying and now I have only a small pot of money left for food, etc. Why does it always come down to money?

180 implemented.
If your wife is suing your joint account, you need to watch it like a hawk -- when money gets put in, move it to YOUR OWN account that she has no access to. I presume she has her OWN savings account that her salary goes into and she just puts some money into the joint?
 

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Discussion Starter · #48 ·
If your wife is suing your joint account, you need to watch it like a hawk -- when money gets put in, move it to YOUR OWN account that she has no access to. I presume she has her OWN savings account that her salary goes into and she just puts some money into the joint?
She has her own account. She doesn't put anything in the joint account - this account was where my dental legal claim money went so that I could access it if I needed it for work on my teeth. We have used some bits for things, such as the house deposit (I paid that) and freezer and some other urgent items, but the rest was set aside. She used it without agreement and has left £50 in the account.
 

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PLEASE do not cash in your pension or savings for retirement.

Those monies are for retirement, not for TODAY.

What if you live to be 80 and have already spent away your savings?

Bad, bad thing to do.

Plus, if you cash them in, you will look less impoverished (to the Government and her lawyers) than you truly are.

Talk to a financial planner and a solicitor. Let them know your wife has means, and you do not.

Hopefully, you will find one who will wait to be paid.

Yours is an abusive relationship.
 
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She has her own account. She doesn't put anything in the joint account - this account was where my dental legal claim money went so that I could access it if I needed it for work on my teeth. We have used some bits for things, such as the house deposit (I paid that) and freezer and some other urgent items, but the rest was set aside. She used it without agreement and has left £50 in the account.
YOU need to get a lawyer SOME HOW SOME WAY. Do you have family you could borrow from? Take a loan.
What she did is THEFT. She stole your money. If that dental legal claim was in YOUR name, she stole it.

I would ALSO MAKE SURE she pays you spousal support --- sounds like you have a very good case for that. Do NOT give that up -- you will need that to live on until you get things settled.

In addition, for work, since you were in IT, can you do freelance work? There are many sites where you can bid for jobs, and your time frame, and then give them the completed work -- but done on YOUR time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #52 ·
PLEASE do not cash in your pension or savings for retirement.

Those monies are for retirement, not for TODAY.

What if you live to be 80 and have already spent away your savings?
I know what you are saying here but it will give me more options. I'm not convinced the pensions funds are there anyway when push comes to shove. I am concerned about the looming financial collapse (as part of the World Economic Forums 'Great Reset'), so wonder if there will be any money there anyway in a few years. May as well get use of it now.

I really do know what you are saying and this is exactly what the lawyer I was speaking to was saying also. I wonder if it would be beneficial to discuss with the pension company about taking just a small portion out to give me some flexibility, to appoint a lawyer, for removal costs and a choice of where to live.

Plus, if you cash them in, you will look less impoverished (to the Government and her lawyers) than you truly are.
That's my concern. If they are cashed in I wouldn't be elegible for any benefit.

Talk to a financial planner and a solicitor. Let them know your wife has means, and you do not.

Hopefully, you will find one who will wait to be paid.
Haven't found one yet! I have called 8 firms over the past week.

Yours is an abusive relationship
I'm sure you're right, but I would be interested how you are seeing this, as I can't clearly see how - I suppose I'm in the middle of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #53 ·
YOU need to get a lawyer SOME HOW SOME WAY. Do you have family you could borrow from? Take a loan.
No family and nobody I know to loan money from. I wouldn't be able to get a loan as I can't pay it back.

What she did is THEFT. She stole your money. If that dental legal claim was in YOUR name, she stole it.
Yes it is. It was in a joint account though, but it wasn't agreed that she use it. The claim was in my name, yes.

In addition, for work, since you were in IT, can you do freelance work? There are many sites where you can bid for jobs, and your timeframe, and then give them the completed work -- but done on YOUR time.
I understand this concept. I was an IT Manager and a support guy, so hands on. I think a lot of online jobs are software/web development, etc. which is a shame. I cannot spend very long with glasses on or on PC, so it's a bit of an issue. However, I am looking at options and will keep that in mind. Thanks.

I wish I could easily get an income like ordinary people can. This is such a pain. I used to enjoy IT Consultancy, but the travel sucked.
 

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Yes it is. It was in a joint account though, but it wasn't agreed that she use it. The claim was in my name, yes.
So, can you talk to whatever your equivalent is of the District Attorney and have her arrested for theft? Not sure if they WOULD do that, but it may be worth a shot.
 

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Discussion Starter · #55 ·
So, can you talk to whatever your equivalent is of the District Attorney and have her arrested for theft? Not sure if they WOULD do that, but it may be worth a shot.
I doubt it. There wasn't that much in there. She said she put half in my account and half in hers, however hers was £1,000 more than mine. So there's that. I shall request that disclosure be given and refunded difference.
 

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There is no cure for your illness, but there are treatments.
Treatments that 'lessen' the vertigo and the dizziness.

Have you tried any of them, or have you basically given up?

If a drug regimen can keep you stable that is your only hope.
Hope for working.

Maybe working from home.

Companies like PCMatic offer jobs that you might be able to do from home.
You could be part of various companies Help Desks.

Almost all, will train you.

Plus, the government might give these companies a financial incentive to hire those with disabilities.

I think that the UK has these job opportunities in place.
Some government agencies my be of help.

Might this one below, be of any help?

 
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Discussion Starter · #57 ·
There is no cure for your illness, but there are treatments.
Treatments that 'lessen' the vertigo and the dizziness.

Have you tried any of them, or have you basically given up
Oh I haven't given up. I have tried everything that has been recommended and things got worse. Beta blockers stopped my heart, Epilepsy medication turned me into a zombie and I couldn't function and anti-depressants gave me vertigo really bad for months! It's better without drugs than with. I can't even take a vitamin tablet without it setting things off! I have been trying a whole host of things, diet changes, organic, fasting, plant-based, exercise, etc, etc, etc. Still waiting for the magic solution to appear.

Maybe working from home.

Companies like PCMatic offer jobs that you might be able to do from home.
You could be part of various companies Help Desks
Actually that may well be a viable option. I shall take a closer look later. Thank you.

Plus, the government might give these companies a financial incentive to hire those with disabilities.

I think that the UK has these job opportunities in place.
Some government agencies my be of help.
I suppose it all depends on the position. I can't look at screens without reading glasses and reading glasses make me dizzy, so I can only wear them for 10-15 mins at a time maximum. This is the same for reading. I can't have my head down, doing things for any length of time, as it makes me dizzy. I can't sit and have my head to the side for the same reason. If I'm moving around a lot that may help. Outside work may be good, like gardening or something, but I can't bend over for too long as my ribs slip out and that impacts the vertigo. It's all a damn mess I tell you. I can talk to people! I can sit and chat - perhaps I'll do coaching, that'll be good and I do have the certification (believe it or not!).
 

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Oh I haven't given up. I have tried everything that has been recommended and things got worse. Beta blockers stopped my heart, Epilepsy medication turned me into a zombie and I couldn't function and anti-depressants gave me vertigo really bad for months! It's better without drugs than with. I can't even take a vitamin tablet without it setting things off! I have been trying a whole host of things, diet changes, organic, fasting, plant-based, exercise, etc, etc, etc. Still waiting for the magic solution to appear.
I know there are exercises you can do to lessen the vertigo effects. Also, have you tried the CEPHALY machine -- it helps a lot in blocking migraines (may still have a headache, but it usually doesn't progress).
Also, has a Neurologist ruled out PHYSICAL issues --- like Occipital Neuralgia? My son had this type of migraine for years. The vertigo was very much helped by exercises he does every day.
He was just recently diagnosed with Occipital Neuralgia. He had an injection to the nerves in his neck and it has been a tremendous improvement.
I know, I'm not a Dr and impossible to diagnose this stuff from a few comments on a forum, but I figured i'd put it out there in case you haven't pursed any of these items. After years of seeing migraine specialists, we had never even HEARD of Occipital Neuralgia until we saw a Dr recently who knew what it was.
 

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Discussion Starter · #59 ·
Just heard from the stbx. She has seen her lawyer and has admitted adultery, but she is filing for divorce against me on the grounds of "unreasonable behaviour". This is standard but it isn't fair that it should be me in the firing line. I do not have the money for a solicitor, at all. I have just found out that the one I was talking to has changed their story about claiming the costs from her.

I feel horrible. sweating profusely. What a nasty thing to do to somebody. I suppose it's normal for her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
I know there are exercises you can do to lessen the vertigo effects. Also, have you tried the CEPHALY machine -- it helps a lot in blocking migraines (may still have a headache, but it usually doesn't progress).
Also, has a Neurologist ruled out PHYSICAL issues --- like Occipital Neuralgia? My son had this type of migraine for years. The vertigo was very much helped by exercises he does every day.
He was just recently diagnosed with Occipital Neuralgia. He had an injection to the nerves in his neck and it has been a tremendous improvement.
I know, I'm not a Dr and impossible to diagnose this stuff from a few comments on a forum, but I figured i'd put it out there in case you haven't pursed any of these items. After years of seeing migraine specialists, we had never even HEARD of Occipital Neuralgia until we saw a Dr recently who knew what it was.
Thanks for the suggestions.

One of the most classic misinterpretations of Migraine Associated Vertigo or Vestibular Migraine, is that a headache has to be present. It doesn't. People have never suffered with migraine and yet they are diagnosed with Vestibular Migraine without ever having a headache. It's the vertigo and dizziness side of things that is the issue here, not a headache. Apparently it's the nature of the migraine - no pain, just vertigo.

I haven't tried the CEPHALY machine, but if it is aimed as reducing pain, there is none. My symptoms doesn't fit with Occipital Neuralgia. Daily exercises for dizziness have not helped. I have also had deep muscular injections years ago before all this, for upper back pain after a martial arts injury, but that was 27 years prior to this happening.

All input helps, believe me I have gotten loads of ideas and things from other people mentioning stuff.

An example of how it works is like now. I have just heard from the wife that she is starting divorce proceedings and that she is going to file for "Unreasonable behaviour" against me. She has also admitted adultery. I feel awful now and that alone has increased my vertigo no-end ... still no headache though!
 
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