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Discussion Starter · #361 ·
So you are NOT at fault here for trusting your wife with the finances, esp. since YOU weren't in any sort of place to deal with it. That's what spouses do -- they trust each other, they help each other, they support each other when there are long term illness issues, etc.. YOUR spouse just helped HERSELF to all this $$ and in my opinion is purposely TRYING to make sure you don't have any resources to fight her. I AM glad that you did get this lawyer and that they seem to be on top of things (I REALLY hope you nail her for fraud).

She obviously has been planning this for a LONG time -- I DO think that a forensic accountant may be useful for you in the long run, but need to weigh that against the COST of them vs. what you could recover.

If you are without internet, do you have a smartphone? That way you can keep on top of things here (I hope) and be able to do your research for housing, disability stuff, etc..
Listening to people here makes me feel that I am at fault to some extent as I haven't been able to work due to my condition or not to be in control of my own bank account and claim money. As you say, I trusted her and that's what spouses do - she betrayed that trust.

I've just had a copy of my medical notes to send through to support my disability claim, I have been telling the doctors and specialists the same thing since 2014. It's all on there how I've had to reluctantly give up my career because of this. It's on my notes how I'm dizzy all the time, they call it "occipital something or other". Also about my pituitary tumour including MRI scan and my left arm tingling and numbness, especially sitting at a desk. It's sad reading back through them and seeing how much this has ruined my life. Send that off today.

Going away for a couple of days to look at houses. Only 3, but also looking at the area to see what things are like. 4.5 hour journey.

As far as the court goes, my stbxw has 7 days to respond to the court petition.
 

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Discussion Starter · #364 ·
Well, it looks like I'm moving. In the process of securing a nice little house. Can't take hardly anything with me though, so need to get rid of 'stuff' I've been carrying around for years - a lot of it 'just in case' I need it and a lot of memories. Have to say goodbye to both.

Not sure if I'm doing the right thing going over 250 miles away to detach and disconnect and I don't know whether the area will be OK for me or whether I will be happy or if it will suit me. What I do know is that I am emotionally battered and even now I spend almost every day like I'm still in shock.

Furthermore, my neurological condition is now so very unbearable that my head feels awful and I can hardly hear anything due to very, very loud tinnitus that makes my head feel like its going to explode. The pain in my neck from all the stress is the worse its been in a long time, and so is the dizziness.

I having arranged an osteopath appointment on Monday afternoon (soonest I could get), to assist on this. I am also coming off these antidepressants due to them making me feel absolutely awful after taking them. If I miss one day, then I feel markedly better. I spoke to another doctor who told me to stop taking them and to speak with my doctor on Monday. So that will probably have a bearing on why I feel rubbish - body was probably getting used to them and now its not getting them.

All because of stress.

But despite this, its got to be done, so I'm doing it and I need to establish if what I am doing will give me the disconnect that I am looking for so that I can start healing & rebuilding my life.

It is scary and I am scared at having to start life all over again at my age, but I'm sure that I'm not alone.

This year was originally about building up different income streams but instead it turned into a fight for survival following my stbxw springing a series of surprises, from walking out never to return, stealing the money from my dental claim damages that was supposed to be for dental work and then went back on her agreement to pay for rent and bills (with my money) until end of August. She has also since been systematically cancelling payments and I found out earlier in the week that my car insurance was almost cancelled as payment could not be taken and even now she is refusing to communicate.

And it goes on. Perhaps next year can be about creating some sort of income that I have would have probably created by now, or very nearly at the very least.

Healing is a priority and I think some form of counselling may be needed, although its hard to know which type and its hard to get to see people in person these days, which I prefer.

So, all things being well, I will be in my new place at the back half of August. Then the healing can begin this through the winter months.

Only time will tell if the decision was right, but who ever knows anyway? I think a lot of the time we adapt without realising it and what we thought may have been a wrong decision, just ends up being just a decision, nothing more. I suppose that I will have to keep focus and just accept that's life and that's where I am for the time being - in a holding pattern of sorts - while I try to get my thoughts and my life back on track and finally say goodbye to my old life and my wife, for good.

I just hope she got all she wanted (apart from my pension money, of course). I still can't help thinking that she deserved better than me, but I don't know. Perhaps I didn't deserve her, but with what she has done changes my thinking on this. Perhaps maybe one day she'll regret her decision as I did love her, truly, and that you cannot fake and once the lust of a new relationship wears off, I do wonder if she will ever ask herself what she has done - but probably not.

Once again, for everything - only time will tell and from her relationship perspective, I'll never know.

I have to be OK with both.

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Discussion Starter · #365 ·
Is the issue occipital nerualgia?
So, going through my medical notes/consultant letters, they refer to "rotational vertigo" and "episodic oscillopsia" in the letter from the neurologist who diagnosed "Migraine Associated Vertigo (aka Vestibular Migraine).

Definition of Oscillopsia: "Oscillopsia refers to the rhythmic oscillation of the visual environment, often spontaneously as a consequence of a central eye movement disorder or in response to motion, as a consequence of bilateral vestibular failure."




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Discussion Starter · #367 ·
How did you manage to drive for 5 hours?
It ended up being 6.5 in the end due to heavy traffic, roadworks and diversions! Nightmare.

There are 2 things that take the edge off this condition temporarily - a heavy weight workout and driving. I found this early on. I don't know why and neither does the neurologist, but within 15-30 mins I can begin feeling a bit better. Comes back after an hour if not driving. Although I found the length of this drive to be a big challenge as my neck got really badly stiff, which can cause issues. It was too long really.

Walking makes it worse as when I walk I get the up-and-down movements of things around me as well as loads of peripheral stuff walking close to walls, fences, hedges, etc.. My brain doesn't smooth out the movement like it should, so running is a nightmare. There's been times in the gym where I've felt OK, then gone on the treadmill only to feel awful for a fair few hours afterwards. So, I tend to use cross trainers as they have a smooth motion and haven't got the up and down movement so I can keep my head still, although I have to look straight ahead and can't use the ones with the TV screens in front, as its too close and seems to 'move' too much.

It's a strange nightmare this.

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Discussion Starter · #368 ·
UPDATE: I received full bank statements today and money has been systematically removed each month since May 2019. That was 6 months before we decided to move here and 2 years to the month before she left - almost to the day also (Started 19 May 2019 - Left 23 May 2021). So it is likely that she was having an affair well before that time also. She started working at her new Company in January 2019. What do they say about joining new new companies?

I feel like a hopeless fool, not noticing and just blindly trusting. We had a good holiday that year too, a cheap one but good, in Spain, towards the end of the year - Early October I think - no sex though, I don't think, strange looking back on it.
 

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@Smilieman I have just had a thought. Do you have a PC or a laptop powerful enough to run driving simulations on?

The reason I ask is because I wonder if using a driving simulation could have the same positive effect on you as real life driving has?
 

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Discussion Starter · #373 ·
@Smilieman I have just had a thought. Do you have a PC or a laptop powerful enough to run driving simulations on?

The reason I ask is because I wonder if using a driving simulation could have the same positive effect on you as real life driving has?
Well there's a thought. I have an old gaming laptop, even though I;m not into gaming, so it probably would. But I haven't go the time at the moment and I'm living in panic mode all the time as things just keep getting worse for me at the moment, but I will keep that in mind. Thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #374 ·
Panic sets in - things going wrong for me so much. I have a claim for maintenance from the stbxw going through the courts and waiting to hear. I am also waiting to hear about the house I arranged to rent.

I spoke with my lawyer yesterday about a letter she is writing to my stbxw lawyer as information still hasn't been provided for utilities online accounts. I;m not too sure about all of this at the moment and I asked that they are paid until the end of August as I have paid the rent here until then and my stbxw is also responsible for that, so it is only fair she pay the utilities seeing as they re in her name and she isn't giving the information so I can change things.

I mentioned to my lawyer that I have found an cheaper place to live, but it's in a different part of the country. She asked me how much the rent was and I said and I also mentioned that the on;y way I could secure the property was to offer a year rent up-front, as I haven't got an income and otherwise I would need financial referencing to be done and a guarantor - financial referencing would fail as I can't prove income and I don't have a guarantor. So the only way is to use some of my pension fund to pay the rent up-front.

She then told me that this would affect my claim for maintenance as the money wasn't coming out of income, but savings and that the only way to still have a claim is to pay the rent from income, which I can't do. The other option is to offer my stbxw an updated amount for maintenance (a lesser amount due to reduction in rent) and then have that agreement ordered by the court. The chances are that she would refuse this as she is claiming that she hasn't got any money left at the end of each month.

The thing is I will lose the house if I don't pay the rent up front, which means I will have to pay more rent here. Meanwhile my pension fund money is being used up with legal costs and moving costs. I can't seem to get moving on sorting out the house stuff as I don't know what's happening and I'm panicing really bad all of the time.

I desperately need some help and there is none. Nobody will help me - nobody. Even my friend took something I said in a different way that it was meant yesterday and now he's annoyed. i only indicated that I've had enough as this is too much for me and he took it that I was putting him under too much emotional strain and that I can't expect him to be there. So that's that then. He is on the autism spectrum and doesn't really like too regular contact and has always mentioned that he'll do what he can. This has really upset me as he has taken something in a totally different way that I can't even see.

I have 2 weeks to get everything sorted and I don't know what to do now. If I rent this house then I lose my maintenance claim for rent (which seems mad) as it's not coming from income, if I lose this house then I can't afford to remain here as the rent is too high. Both ways's my available pension fund gets smaller with lawyers costs. I feel like throwing the towel in here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #375 ·
After my pathetic panic yesterday, I have sorted the time issue. I now have a week and a half - as it takes that long to do the referencing checks anyway. As far as this house is concerned, I shall just have to fork out the extra rent or they can take it from the deposit money. So now I have the breathing space to breathe, focus and wait to see what the court says in a few days.

I also found out via the girl in the coffee shop that the stbxw went on holiday virtually the day she left me. Abroad apparently, so I probably paid for that then!

:)
 

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I've been reading your posts since the beginning of the thread. I don't mean to be unfeeling but dude you have to stop thinking she was stealing your money. She supported you for numerous years with no incoming money on your part. She took care of everything financially. Yes, she screwed around on you and yes, she's a sleaze but get it together. The dental money was a small amount in the scheme of things, so get past it.

If you can't think differently, you will never get past it. I hope you can move on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #377 ·
I've been reading your posts since the beginning of the thread. I don't mean to be unfeeling but dude you have to stop thinking she was stealing your money. She supported you for numerous years with no incoming money on your part. She took care of everything financially. Yes, she screwed around on you and yes, she's a sleaze but get it together. The dental money was a small amount in the scheme of things, so get past it.

If you can't think differently, you will never get past it. I hope you can move on.
I get your angle on this completely, I do.

Dishonesty is wrong though and taking stuff that didn't belong to you is also wrong. Yes she has supported me and us over the past few years, but that shouldn't be used as justification to take that which doesn't belong to you and by manipulation and without agreement. Lucky I intercepted my pension money, otherwise she would have had that also, she nearly did and that would have been fraud and would have been significantly more. That is unlawful, immoral, coercive and unjust. I certainly won't hold on to that, I've let it go on the most part really - it was a dreadful shock at first, but I would like to see if the courts have a similar opinion, for my own validation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #378 ·
I feel that I am in limbo, waiting on the court to decide whether they will "Hear" the case. I would have gone ahead and arranged to move, that was the plan, but my lawyer has advised to wait a few days. It's hell. I've got to take the advice, otherwise it may harm my case, right? So I can't arrange anything and it pushes the timescales into September and I feel extremely stressed out about that.

It feels like I'm slipping back into some of the thinking that I had when she first walked out - "My fault?", "what did I do?", "what did I say?", "was it because I've been ill?" - blaming myself for her selfishness of wanting an affair. The more I think about the calculated way this has all been planned and executed (even my friend says it's been long planned), the more it makes me shudder when I think of how callous and calculating this all was. I'm not a bad guy, never have been, and I thought the world of her and she knew it. There is even a very small part of me that I hear in the silence, that still is prepared to entertain taking her back if she wants to reconcile - WTF?

I wake in the morning in a panic after a few short hours sleep - I've done this since she left and it hasn't stopped. it's like Groundhog Day, the same day over an over again. Thinking her with another man, being with another man while we were together, makes me feel physically sick and continually tourments me. Not being able to move forward for a few days has allowed the thoughts to creep back in.

By going to look at houses in a completely different area and by being there (even though it was a bit run down, hence cheaper), I felt like I had my space, a place where I could rest, rebuild and reinvent. But having to wait these few days makes me feel that this is slipping away and having me second-guessing whether moving to somewhere that is a bit run-down is the right call. It's nicer round here, but it's more expensive also and there are way too many memories. The idea of going somewhere completely new was to create new memories without being tied to the old ones, or having them 'mingle in' and distracting from rebuilding my life, somehow.

I do worry about meeting people though. I've never been one to make friends easy, especially in my older years. The friendships that I have had have never been close and then they inevitably drift way as people get on with their lives. I talk to anybody, but that's as far as it goes really. Common interest groups would traditionally be the way to go, but in this pandemic climate it's all being pushed online.

The other thing that seriously worries me is whether I will ever find anybody else at my age. I can't say at this stage that I even feel like wanting to and although I have found other women attractive over the years, I have never been remotely 'attracted' towards them. Part of this could be the pituitary tumour in my head, it regulates hormones and apparently low-libido can be one of the consequences. But I was in a relationship with a woman I thought the world of and now I'm hurting - So it's no surprise that I don't have any desire to be with a women, or even think about that, just yet. Way too much work to do on me. But if that tales a couple of years then I'll be 57 and I feel that I'm way too old to start off again. Although my wife was 10 years younger than me - perhaps that had a bearing. It would be horrible to be one my own for the rest of my life, I didn't want to be one of "Those blokes". So I suppose I'll need to get out there at some stage. But am I too old?

I thought I'd get this out here today, as I can then get some of it out of my head. This is tough, real tough and at this stage (week 10) it feels like these feelings are never going to subside.

I am so grateful for people here and reading other people's posts makes me realise that my situation if far, far from unique. I can't believe how many people are in a similar situation and similar pain to me and my only wish is that I had an income, as I believe that this would give me a bit more flexibility and a bit more interaction. I must make this a priority once I've left here, but my condition makes any traditional type work almost impossible, so I have to create something on my terms (which is what I had planned to do before the pandemic stuff hit - which scampered my plans), so I need to find a way to set something up. I just wish I wasn't so alone and I don't know how to solve that one, as everybody I reach out to isn't interested.
 

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But am I too old?
For men, not so much!
I have personally seen many men in their late 60s hooking up and going out on dates!
When you get your crap together you will see it first hand!


but my condition makes any traditional type work almost impossible, so I have to create something on my terms (which is what I had planned to do before the pandemic stuff hit - which scampered my plans), so I need to find a way to set something up
You are doing great!
As long as you have a plan things will work out and you will prove to yourself that you are worth so much more!
Remember, only the strong will survive, and you are surviving!
 

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Discussion Starter · #380 ·
For men, not so much!
I have personally seen many men in their late 60s hooking up and going out on dates!
When you get your crap together you will see it first hand!
At this rate my crap will probably take a long time to get together - be good not to be left on the shelf though, but if I am I suppose I need to be OK with that.

You are doing great!
As long as you have a plan things will work out and you will prove to yourself that you are worth so much more!
Remember, only the strong will survive, and you are surviving!
I really don't feel that I am doing great, yes I'm surviving but it feels like only just. Being put on hold by my lawyer waiting to hear from the court doesn't help as It's stopped momentum and let the seeds of doubt start to sprout.
 
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