Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 208 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Two weeks ago my wife walked out saying she needs a couple of days 'to think', I know she wouldn't be back and two days later on the day she said she would return home, I received a text message saying "I'm so sorry to do this. I know you will hate me but I have feelings for somebody else. I'm not coming back to the house. It's not right us being together in that situation. I don't know why.". She terminated all communication channels, turned off her phone, ignored emails, texts & phone calls. After 19 years together and 11 years of marriage I get a text and no reason, apart from her alleged feelings for another.

Her actions leading up to the event were exactly the same as they were 10 years prior, when she did this the first time - the backwards and forwards coming home and leaving again lasted a total of 9 months. In that time I identified that this behaviour was consistent with "The Walk Away Wife Syndrome", identified by Michelle Weiner-Davis. We finally got back together, had relationship counseling for a while and we haven't had any issues for 10 years....until now.

The common theme in this is that I was not working due to unforeseen circumstances and a recession, but I have inbetween last time and this time. For the past 7 years I have been unable to work due to a neurological condition. About 3.5 years after she came home in 2011, I suffered an extremely violent vertigo attack which seems to have damaged me permanently and now I am always dizzy, got poor eyesight, loud tinnitus, chronic fatigue and other neurological issues, exacerbated by stress. The funny thing is, is that I have always thought that this condition came about out of stress of spending all day every day treading on egg shells, wondering if I was doing something that may make her leave again and wondering whether I would come home from work and find her gone. It took me a total of 5 years to trust her again, as the lies that she told to my face were horrific and the deceit unpalattable.

I haven't been a lazy husband, I clean the house, do the garden, clean the windows, wash and wax the cars, walk her to work and meet her some days (used to) and do the cooking from time to time, help her with work stuff (presentations and official project documentation) and generally am there for her to talk to about anything she chooses. I'm also not a walk-over or a pansey andwas in fact a very successful martial artist in years gone by. I do what I can and it varies daily. She likes doing some of the housework and insists on cooking each day when she gets home from work. She has a highish-pressured job as a lawyer and so I thinking she likes to put her music on and wind down while cooking.

Anyway, nothing was evidently wrong in our relationship. Sure we had crossed words here and there, but overall we got on like a house on fire. In recent years sex has been a bit slow and far between admittedly, and it is both of us responsible for this. But it's hard when I'm going through a stage of feeling rough for weeks and sometime months on end. But it takes two, right?

Because she is the only one who bring home the 'bacon', as it were, my entire life has been turned upside down. I have no income and the house is rented, as we moved here a year and a half ago to be near her work. I am sorting this out with the state, but it's rather a slog with my neurological condition (vestibular migraine).

I finally got her communicating as I needed to get all the paperwork sorted and she used to deal with everything, although it is a bit strained. I've decided now that all that is sorted, I shall cease communication for a while.

She is talking about divorce, but doesn't seem committed to the idea and say that she will speak to her work colleague who is a divorce lawyer. Apparently she hasn't done any research or anything prior to or after leaving home. I spoke to her face-to-face yesterday in the street outside her work when I needed to pick something up, just briefly and I said to her, "So this is it then is it, no explanation, no discussion, just divorce?". Surprisingly she remained silent. I asked again and the responded by very slightly nodding and saying a sheepish "yes". She wasn't very convincing at all, bearing in mind she gives the impression that she has a new relationship.

I needed her to tell me to my face.

She was going to let me know what her colleague said, but I have heard nothing today. I've had my own advice anyway, so I know how the land lies and I shared my knowledge with her. Apparently she will start proceedings, but what grounds? The only option she has is "Unreasonable behaviour", but I haven't been unreasonable. If I was to start proceedings that it would be either "Adultery" which would need proving is she doesn't admit to that, or "Unreasonable Behaviour", which it is as she lied and left the home, ceased communication and said that se had feelings for somebody else.

I don't know where she is living and it's all a bit weird. Absolutely ALL of her clothes, including casual and work clothes are still here. Her jewellery is still her. Her passport is gone and her car documents are gone and various other bits of important paperwork are all gone. She says that she hasn't been 'collecting' a new wardrobe at a different location over the past few months, and the evidence shows this. She said that she only has 3 dresses and she was wearing the same one yesterday that she was wearing Thursday day the week before when I popped her post down to work to her. She wouldn't normally be seen dead wearing the same clothes across 2 different weeks, let alone a day or two apart.

The really interesting part is that she refuses to redirect her post. Now, if you have set up shop with a new partner, then the two things you would do as far as I see it, would be to collect all of your clothes and redirect your post. So this is really strange. She wants me to pop her post to her every couple of weeks or so. I did agree, but I may change this arrangement as I don;t think it's healthy. I can just pop it through the door instead.

To my she is repeating the pattern of 10 years ago, exactly. Last time she was staying with different work colleagues and I have an inkling that she is doing the same here. I don't know where she is living and I don't know how she is getting to work. Her office is only 15 minutes walk away and it is taking everything to not just walk down and find out. But I don't want to be that person - the person who stalks their estranged wife (and she'll also easily see me!)

So, I could be in denial, but I don't think that she is with anybody else. I may be wrong, but she also knows that if I am aware that she has been seeing somebody else, then that would be the most awful betrayal and I would not want her back. So in her mind, I wonder if she is using this as a tactic to stop me from chasing and to leave her alone. I've stopped chasing and I'm leaving her alone now that all theloose ends she left behind are sorted out.

So it looks like divorce is on the cards and I haven't got the funds to hire a divorce lawyer. So that's fun. I have come across Advice Now which has a fair bit of information to study - Divorce and separation

I think I am still in shock and not really sure on what to do next. I don't want a divorce, but I'm not sure that I can put up with this type of behaviour again 10 years down the line, it's like it's never going to end. When will the next time be? I think I shall always be looking over my shoulder and treading on those proverbial egg-shells. for the remainder of my life (I'm 55, she's 45).

The only thing she never done was nag or voice that anything was ever wrong, so no indication at all.

So, where to go from here?

Thanks for listening.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Sorry for your situation, divorce should be quite simple if kids aren’t involved, 50/50 split of assets in the uk

Take charge of the situation and get moving on your life, don’t let her steal another moment, she has told you she has feelings for another, so believe her and you do you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Sorry for your situation, divorce should be quite simple if kids aren’t involved, 50/50 split of assets in the uk

Take charge of the situation and get moving on your life, don’t let her steal another moment, she has told you she has feelings for another, so believe her and you do you.
No kids. Spousal maintenance is also a thing here and a worthy option. I can't believe her, she has lied too much. Me doing me is the hard bit, but I shall. I think that Divorce is the only way, both for her and for me, this disappearing lark take it's toll I can assure you. It's a shame though, makes me feel like I've failed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,095 Posts
Don't look at it like YOU failed -- except in your picker.
She's obviously like this and has a hard time with long term commitments.
She's a runner and she has. Now YOU need to get your plan and make sure she doesn't "run back".
You shouldn't be a plan B for her.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,309 Posts
I feel deeply for you and your situation.
It is sad and horrible.

Standing in your wife's shoes I see why she is doing this.
Yes, she is doing this for selfish reasons, and yes, because she has given up.

She thinks she can do better, and frankly, so do I.
She wants a more fulfilling life, a normal life, at the minimum.

With her going out to dine, going on holiday, traveling to meet friends and relatives.
Normal life, things.

She is tired of being her brother's keeper, in this case, her husband's keeper.
Her marriage vows were important to her, are important to her, but so is her sanity.

I think she has found someone else, at least for now.
How long this person will stand by her, remains to be seen.

Because of her position and profession, she is a catch to someone, even if she has to pay you support for a long time.

Life has dealt you a low blow, she knows it, but she wants to get out from under your shadow.

This is not the morally correct thing for her to do, it is a practical move.

Let her go, she gave 19 years of her life, accept that and bow out.

May the government, and your future fate be merciful.

She is obligated, to pay (somewhat) for your welfare, I suspect.
That is something....



Are Dee-
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
601 Posts
You are and have been her plan B. She tried to execute a plan A 10 years ago and didn't work. You should have realized it then. Who knows, could even be the same person...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,362 Posts
I don't think there's another option at this stage. It's a shame though, that an issue wasn't raises so that it can be addressed. Just cut 'n' Run!
Sorry but try not to get in a hopium daze. That’ll just waste your time.

2nd time means serial cheater. If she comes back there’ll probably be a 3rd time. Read up on the subject.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Don't look at it like YOU failed -- except in your picker.
She's obviously like this and has a hard time with long term commitments.
She's a runner and she has. Now YOU need to get your plan and make sure she doesn't "run back".
You shouldn't be a plan B for her.
I should have expected this to happen again really, I was rather hoping it wouldn't. She was living with another guy when we got together and she left him in much the same way and moved out while he was at work. She has done this to me previously, She vowed that there was nobody else involved 10 years back, but now I do wonder.

I've never thought of myself as a Plan B - would she try to run back after causing all of this hassle? Be interesting to see how she would do that this time. I told her if she ran without rhyme or reason, then that would be my line in the sand. She did it anyway, even after I compromised and moved it to the end of the 2 days that she said she needed. We set that at counselling all those years back, together with the agreemeent that if either of us had an issue with the relationship, then we would speak up so it could be addressed. She didn't respect that agreement.

My plan is taking shape. It's only been 2 weeks (to the day) and it's still a bit rope-y. Each day it moves forward though, never backward, and each day it gets a little clearer. Not sure what the exact plan is yet, but I reckon in a couple of weeks it should be there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,009 Posts
Well, sorry to hear this **** sandwich given to you by your coward of a wife.

Where to go from here. DIVORCE at all cost. Open your eyes, shed any fears, bring up your self respect, self worth, and be decisive. Show her that you mean business, that you will not become a spineless man begging for her. Get the best solicitor that you can get, and go full ahead to extricate her out of your life. You'll manage on your won somehow. Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
With her going out to dine, going on holiday, traveling to meet friends and relatives.
Normal life, things.
We used to go out to dine and we used to travel Europe and have some really good times. The only thing that stopped that was recent events

She is tired of being her brother's keeper, in this case, her husband's keeper.
Her marriage vows were important to her, are important to her, but so is her sanity.
I agree that that is probably a true statement, but it wasn't just a one-way thing, I supported her immensly through work, supported her emotionally while travelling the ranks from Trainee Lawyer to almost Partner now. And the support I gave was huge when she was second guessing her positions in different companies. Not forgetting the 7.5 years of her being plagued by Auto-immune Hepatitis, while I was out at work each and every day.

My vows are important. I didn't waver once. Didn't think I would be better off without her despite her putting on weight from the drugs she was on. I never looked at another woman, I was happy with her. I was serious about my vows and I spent 8 years of us being together first to make sure that it was right. She forgot hers exactly one year after we were married, when I tried to celebrate our first anniversary and it went down like a lead balloon.

I think she has found someone else, at least for now.
How long this person will stand by her, remains to be seen.

Because of her position and profession, she is a catch to someone, even if she has to pay you support for a long time.
Personally I think she is staying with a work colleague, but I may be disillusioned of course. If she has the need to run from one person to the next instead of leaving a relationship because she is unhappy and being on her own for a while to sort herself out, then that says a lot about her in my eyes. She has never been on her own. Home -> Boyfriend 1 -> Boyfriend 2 -> Boyfriend 3 -> Me ->?

Yes, she may be a catch but she will also put her work as top priority over everything. That's why we didn't have a family. Work was more important and although she is not at work for long hours, it eats up all of her attention and she doesn't want to plan for a home life. I always found this a bit strange.

Let her go, she gave 19 years of her life, accept that and bow out.
I think I have to this time, for my own sanity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You are and have been her plan B. She tried to execute a plan A 10 years ago and didn't work. You should have realized it then. Who knows, could even be the same person...
But why wait 10 years? Why not just go a year or so after, or even a few months? Yes, it may be the same person, if there is really anybody, who knows.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
489 Posts
I should have expected this to happen again really, I was rather hoping it wouldn't. She was living with another guy when we got together and she left him in much the same way and moved out while he was at work. She has done this to me previously, She vowed that there was nobody else involved 10 years back, but now I do wonder.

I've never thought of myself as a Plan B - would she try to run back after causing all of this hassle? Be interesting to see how she would do that this time. I told her if she ran without rhyme or reason, then that would be my line in the sand. She did it anyway, even after I compromised and moved it to the end of the 2 days that she said she needed. We set that at counselling all those years back, together with the agreemeent that if either of us had an issue with the relationship, then we would speak up so it could be addressed. She didn't respect that agreement.

My plan is taking shape. It's only been 2 weeks (to the day) and it's still a bit rope-y. Each day it moves forward though, never backward, and each day it gets a little clearer. Not sure what the exact plan is yet, but I reckon in a couple of weeks it should be there.
Let’s be clear - yes there is another man. She flat out told you she has feelings for another man, and now she’s run off and cut comms. She is either with him or seeing him, and as adults that includes sex. Your wife would never tell you that she had feelings for another man unless she was well down the path of acting on it. If you want any help with navigating this effectively, you need to be realistic.

She’s been gone two weeks, and your plan is “taking shape” and may be ready in another couple weeks?
Seriously, this is insane. Your wife bails on you, cuts communications (after telling you if she has feelings for another man) - and you sit there for two weeks without taking any action at all?
You can no longer afford to be weak and passive my friend. It’s time to go scorched earth, shock and awe, or whatever analogy you want to use - but it’s time to get serious and go to war. She is no longer your wife, she is not your friend and she does not have your best interest in mind - at all.
There is no more two weeks, you need to get your plan lined up and start executing NOW.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
2nd time means serial cheater. If she comes back there’ll probably be a 3rd time. Read up on the subject.
And that's what I don't want to experience. I will always be wondering when the next time would be and I would never be able to trust her again, so what would be the point? Her father was a cheater, had a second family in a different town and away from his usual family. He abandoned my wife when she was little and moved away, so perhaps she thinks that as normal. Who knows.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
489 Posts
But why wait 10 years? Why not just go a year or so after, or even a few months? Yes, it may be the same person, if there is really anybody, who knows.
Who gives a ****?
She has zero respect for you, she’s not in love with you, and she thinks you’re a useless piece of garbage.
Sorry to be blunt, but that’s the truth. Let it sink in and accept it. No woman EVER does this to a man she respects or loves. Now you need to act accordingly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Well, sorry to hear this **** sandwich given to you by your coward of a wife.

Where to go from here. DIVORCE at all cost. Open your eyes, shed any fears, bring up your self respect, self worth, and be decisive. Show her that you mean business, that you will not become a spineless man begging for her. Get the best solicitor that you can get, and go full ahead to extricate her out of your life. You'll manage on your won somehow. Good luck.
Thank you and you're right, my self-respect and self-esteem has taken a hit. Begging, no. I offered to talk and discuss and cried a little at the start, but I'm being firm, she knows I've had legal advice and she will soon know that I'm planning to move on. It is difficult to stand firm though, especially when youi feel like jelly inside and don't deal with emotion stuff very well. However,because I haven't got an income I can't afford to employ a lawyer. I did for the initial advice and hour meeting and again for the follow-up, but that has cleared me out. I have found some documentation though, so will see how I go. Typical though isn't it, as she gets all her stuff done for free!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
She’s been gone two weeks, and your plan is “taking shape” and may be ready in another couple weeks?
Seriously, this is insane. Your wife bails on you, cuts communications (after telling you if she has feelings for another man) - and you sit there for two weeks without taking any action at all?
Don't assume my friend. I have not been sitting idle. I have had meetings with income support people, found out what I am entitled to and claimed that, had numerous phone calls with different agencies and had 2 meetings with lawyers. I'm certainly not sitting idle. The next two weeks I need to finalise what I have started, claim disability and find somewhere to live. So, that's what I've been doing and I've been doing that almost full-time, looking after the fiercely growing garden and all while suffering badly with vertigo caused by Vestibula Migraine. It's been tough and I have not sat down.

You can no longer afford to be weak and passive my friend. It’s time to go scorched earth, shock and awe, or whatever analogy you want to use - but it’s time to get serious and go to war. She is no longer your wife, she is not your friend and she does not have your best interest in mind - at all.
There is no more two weeks, you need to get your plan lined up and start executing NOW.
I wouldn't say I was passive. I just wish I had the funds to start proceedings. Court costs need to be paid up-front by the petitioner and I just haven't got them. Shame it has to be a war, isn't it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Who gives a ****?
She has zero respect for you, she’s not in love with you, and she thinks you’re a useless piece of garbage.
Sorry to be blunt, but that’s the truth. Let it sink in and accept it. No woman EVER does this to a man she respects or loves. Now you need to act accordingly.
My thoughts exactly, you're on-point. Yes, I suppose I do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
211 Posts
Thank you and you're right, my self-respect and self-esteem has taken a hit. Begging, no. I offered to talk and discuss and cried a little at the start, but I'm being firm, she knows I've had legal advice and she will soon know that I'm planning to move on. It is difficult to stand firm though, especially when youi feel like jelly inside and don't deal with emotion stuff very well. However,because I haven't got an income I can't afford to employ a lawyer. I did for the initial advice and hour meeting and again for the follow-up, but that has cleared me out. I have found some documentation though, so will see how I go. Typical though isn't it, as she gets all her stuff done for free!
I am sorry that you have to go through this experience. Your wife's sudden departure after all these years is hard, but the fact that she did a similar move earlier, and that she did not approach you or tell you that she was unhappy means that you should not blame yourself for anything. It's on her. Take the time to process and heal.

I think at this point it is irrelevant whether she has feelings for somebody or not. If she said it, then there is no use of reasoning that she might be lying. She made it clear that she doesn't want to stay with you, and it is much easier for you to part ways with her because her coming back will take you on another nightmarish ride as you will be AGAIN dreading the day she will leave you again.

You need to start the divorce process as soon as you can. Can you borrow some money from a family member or a friend? Don't you have in the UK some programs the city or the government that help financially people who cannot afford attorney fees? She will have to pay you spousal support and maybe attorney fees ( I am not familiar with the family law in the UK), but you need to start looking for jobs that you can do from home or a job that can accommodate your condition. Good luck!
 
1 - 20 of 208 Posts
Top