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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Several years ago (maybe before kids) I bought a small vibrator to use on my wife during sex. She said it didn't seem to do much for her, so we put in her nightstand and left it.

We've been married 23 years. Early in our marriage, sex was 2-3 times a week. Our sexual frequency dropped to once a week after kid #1, same after kid #2. Over the last few years, we've gotten to about once a month. This is not by my choice.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought about the vibrator and maybe getting new batteries and trying it again. When I went to check on what type of battery, I noticed there seemed to be new batteries. Vibration was stronger than what I remembered. I saw the old batteries still laying in the drawer.
I've figured out she's using it about once a week the last couple of weeks.
I'm frustrated because I've nearly given up asking her to have sex and just let it happen whenever and be content. I'm confused why she would do this when she knows I'm willing at any time.

Sex discussions have been difficult in the past. I've tried talking to her about our frequency before and she just won't sat much. I've tried to ask if I've done something to turn her away or need to do something different and she'll answer with "no" or "I don't know." Most of the time, if I ask to have sex she says no. She'll say she's not in the mood or too tired.

Should I tell her I know she's using the vibrator and ask questions? I always thought the idea of her masturbating is arousing, but, since I found this out I've been confused and hurt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
The vibrator has nothing to do with you. It’s just an easy outlet. You need to have a heart to heart with your wife about your love life in an honest open way. The vibrator is not part of that discussion.
I have tried in the past. How do you do that when the other person won't open up? I just end up feeling like an interrogator.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
The vibrator has nothing to do with you. It’s just an easy outlet. You need to have a heart to heart with your wife about your love life in an honest open way. The vibrator is not part of that discussion.
How is the vibrator not part of the discussion? That she's using it shows she has more sex drive than she's led me to believe.
 

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I have tried in the past. How do you do that when the other person won't open up? I just end up feeling like an interrogator.
One of the more difficult things in a situation like this is to get your partner to understand the seriousness of it. I was once in a position much like yours. It will be difficult to get your wife to understand that sexuality is the way you feel loved and that being starved for it is truly a risk to marriage. I read about 30 books and used this forum to come to a better understanding of myself, my wife, and human sexuality. I will tell you this with no uncertainty: If you don’t change yourself and your willingness to end the marriage over this.... nothing will change. You can’t bluff your way around it. You fundamentally need to change what you accept and what you will not. A sexless marriage is not acceptable. My recommendation is given predicated upon the assumption you are a good man to your wife. Once my wife understood the expectation and that I wasn’t bluffing one bit ... the sex flood gate opened and for the past 5 years I’ve had more than I can handle. You will have to give your wife the pleasurable meaningful experience of sex ..... not the bullchit stuff.
 

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How is the vibrator not part of the discussion? That she's using it shows she has more sex drive than she's led me to believe.
Because that will come off as accusation. Don’t do that. It’s the opposite of open meaningful dialogue. It will also make her want to hide or be shamed about it which is exactly what you DONT want
 

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Those Bob's, such lucky things they are.
To be so near and dear.
To be one with Dear.
.................................................................


A possibility might be...

She knows of your concern, and she is prepping herself, trying to get back her groove.
By reinvigorating her long dormant, her dry groove.

One would hope.

I would not mention the vibrator.
I would ask to go down on her.

For old-times sake, for spits and giggles.


The Typist-
 

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She is already operating in this mode. She knows she's satisfying her urges with Bob and now he knows it. Put it on the table and talk about it. Maybe, it's just quicker or more stimulating or he sucks in bed. Whatever. Don't make the vibrator the elephant in the room - that honor belongs to the fact that she doesn't want more frequent sex with husband.
Do you think he can be that direct on the front side of the issue? Maybe hold that conversation for a little later? I don’t know because I can use a sex toy and still want my wife instantly so maybe my particular view is clouded .... but I’m not a woman
 

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If this helps, W and I use toys, different vibrators time to time, very regularly because I like to use them on her and she likes it.

We have sex min 4 times a week, more mostly, and if she wants to use them without me ever if I'm working late here and there I have never had a problem with that. In fact the more the merrier because we have always communicated easily re sexual activity and everything together has created a very frequent and high quality of sex for us. We even go to adult stores together time to time.

Just saying, this can be a positive.

I'd get her a newer toy, one 5 or so years old may not have all the new features current models have.

Good luck!
 

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Sorry OP but I have to ask. Have you been here before asking about this issue?

If not, there are older threads about this that might be helpful to you to peruse as well.
 
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