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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Wife and I have been married 15 years have 3 wonderful kids.

Apparently she's been planning to leave me for at least a couple of months. I have NEVER been abusive. She says I am abusive and controlling. She has some psych issues, was diagnosed bipolar a couple years ago but refuses meds. Because of her erratic behavior I've been forced to take on a caretaker role. I cook most of the meals, do all of the grocery shopping, except the odd run to the store for a couple of items. I work from home, run a business and bring her breakfast and coffee in bed almost every morning.

I'm no saint, but she currently has "friends" helping her plot to run away to a domestic violence shelter o_O [ NONE of these friends are even LOCAL or have MET either of us!!! ] Our LOCAL friends do NOT see me as abusive at all. She curiously isn't seeking them out for support.

She has agreed to go see a marriage counselor, but ONLY to help us get along, not for hoping to reconcile. She is seeking therapy through the DV shelter...

I feel like I woke up and have started taking crazy pills. She said for YEARS that our sex life was awesome, bragged to friends about me. Yesterday she said it was ****ty. She can't see one positive thing about me and it feels like she's seeing the past through a weirdo vision idk.

I would REALLY REALLY love to save this marriage and keep our family together. But I feel like I've got all these people against me and I don't know what to do.
 

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Oh boy... this is not unusual for a bi polar person to get to this point on one of their phases... either up or down.

These friends who have never met her. Are they web friends? Do you know what web site it is if it's a web site?
 

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How do you know this is what they are talking about? Do you have have access to her FB account?

You are in a bad spot because it's hard to defend yourself such accussations.

Do you know which center for DV she is using?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Some local one. I know because I was able to discover her texts and discover that she's been snooping on my computer and trying to access my phone also. After she told me that was a controlling behavior and wanted it to stop. The ONLY reason I did it is because I had a gut feeling that these friends were feeding her crap.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I do not have access to her FB account anymore. But that didn't stop her from snooping on my computer. o_O pot, you have become the kettle lol
 

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Hang in there. I just joined today and I feel connected with almost every story I've read today. Know that there are people on your side. I've gotten very uplifting replies from many good people.
 

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My belief about marriage is that there is no privacy except (except in the bathroom). We have a file where we keep all of our account info to include passwords. IT’s far too easy to set sucked into things on the internet.

The problem with her getting help from a DV place is that they can help her move out of your home with your children.

I know that many times there has to be a police report for domestic violence and abuse to be recognized as a real thing.

I’m trying to think of something proactive that you can do here. Does she do anything that you would consider abusive? Does she yell? Throw things? Break things? Belittle you, etc?


Does she have a job outside the home?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
A little more background:

This is the third time she's threatened to leave me.

it ALWAYS is in December, and it didn't start happening until after a traumatic miscarriage in 05 or 06. And she always has completely turned around by February. o_O

And there is ALWAYS someone else. Whether a guy, or a "supportive friend"
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
OHHH does she do anything that's abusive.......

She yells, calls me cuss words, flips me off, is angry all the time, she actually punched me in the face while I was holding our 4 year old in July of last year.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
She does NOT have a job outside the home, she blames that on me of course, because I am self employed and she's needed to stay at home and provide child care. The jobs she has had she has quit every one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
She recently decided to go to cosmetology school. So she's going to school at night, M-F.

And she comes home, tells me about her schooling, all excited, and we usually watch tv together. It's all completely surreal.
 

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Did she have her miscarriage in December?

Hopefully this is short lived.

One thing that you might be able to do (if this does not fix itself by Feb) is to go to a VD place (try to find out the one she is going to) and see if you can get joint counseling from them to address this issue. If you come in as a concerned husband willing to do what is necessary to fix your marriage and to make her feel safe (even if she actually is safe) you might be able to get them to realize that she has other problems.. like the BP.

That's what I would do.
 

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OHHH does she do anything that's abusive.......

She yells, calls me cuss words, flips me off, is angry all the time, she actually punched me in the face while I was holding our 4 year old in July of last year.
Ok so she is abusing you and has used violence.

You might want to consider geting a VAR (voice activated recorder) to have on you when you are around her. If you do this do not tell her you have it. THe idea is self protection.

If she is making false claims of abuse then she might become embolded enough to acutally call the police and make false claims against you. With a VAR you can get a recording and play it for the police so that they can hear what really happened.

Make sure that you never yell back at her or say anything mean, etc to her.

Check your state laws for what is legal in recording a conversation. In some states all parties involved must agree to the recording. In other states only one person needs to agree... that would be you.
 

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She recently decided to go to cosmetology school. So she's going to school at night, M-F.

And she comes home, tells me about her schooling, all excited, and we usually watch tv together. It's all completely surreal.
Then she has something positive right now. THis is good. Hopefully she will like this and keep a job in the future.
 

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She does NOT have a job outside the home, she blames that on me of course, because I am self employed and she's needed to stay at home and provide child care. The jobs she has had she has quit every one.
What are the ages of your children?

You can always hire someone to come into your home and watch the children. I used to do that when my son was young and I worked from home.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
No, her miscarriage was in nov 05 I think? Then that following year she went whacky got attached to a guy, the had a supportive "friend" left me for all of like 2 days.
 
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