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So...Been married 6 years, dated for 2 prior. I'm 34, my wife is 36. She travels for work, and the times vary from month to month based on her contracts. She started traveling about 4 years ago, and it's always been 5-7 day stints, maybe once a month. The last year or so the lengths have grown, and after a massively long stint a few months ago (10 weeks!), she came back feeling "changed". Not about "us", she said, just overall. She was super affectionate though the first couple days, but since then she has withdrawn and spent lots of time alone listening to music, staying up late, etc.
Only being home for a few weeks before leaving again, I did everything I could to remain calm, give her space, yet still try to initiate and show her physical affection in many different ways. Each time I've been shot down, given the response "I'm just not feeling it right now", or something along those lines. She also said she wished I'd been more aggressive the second she got home, after not seeing her for so long. Also have heard "It's never really been our thing". Ouch. I know we've had times where things slow down over the years, but we've always picked right back up and had good times in that department.
The night before leaving for another 2 weeks I tried to initiate (mainly to prove my interest, want to give space, but she needs to know my desire too, right?) and she kinda chuckled and said "No. Sorry. I'm just not that attracted to you right now." Double ouch. I asked if she could explain. She said not really, just not feeling it at the moment, and can't force feeling attracted to someone. I get that, I respect her, I didn't argue. Just said that will change, and that I wasn't worried.
Since I've known her I've always been somewhat overweight, maybe 20-30 lbs. She's always been thin. (we always diet together and work out, but it's usually shortlived on both ends). We like to go out to eat, party a bit, it's always been part of our social life. Recent years she's put on maybe 10 pounds and then last year we both packed on another 20 or so, going overboard too much (food and drink, midnight pizzas, etc). We both knew it had to change and talked about it a lot.
When she came back from her long trip a few months ago, I had gained more weight and she had lost some. I was feeling depressed, and I suppose a little intimidated. Could she sense this lack of confidence (a real sex drive killer on both ends)? I figured so. That day I went to the gym and signed up for 12 weeks of personal training and started that day. In the last 6 weeks I've lost 45 pounds and am feeling great (prob 20 to go). We still have not been intimate, but she says she's amazed at what I've done. Intimacy is "better" on a general basis, giving backrubs and kisses lately without her seeming distant, but I feel the longer we go without real intimacy the harder it will be to rekindle.
Feel like we're on the brink of losing our connection for good. Unfortunately I am suspecting some kind of (at least) emotional affair on her end, as the day she came back she was different toward me. Also she's been super sensitive about getting in great shape, body waxing, tanning, etc...and yet she won't touch me. Yeah, I know. Sounds bad, looks bad. She says she's doing it for me, for when this gets better, and that she's trying really hard and would never cheat, so don't worry, all will be fine. Realllly want to believe her as I always have. But for the first time I'm scared my wife is considering an affair, as I've never felt this level of detachment from her, and it's only been the last 6 weeks out of 8 years. Trust me, trying to project calm and not let on any over-insecurity I may feel, while still trying to express my feelings to her...is not easy. She doesn't like to "talk things to death", so it's kind of an actions-are-more-important-than-words situation right now.
We're "getting along" and generally affectionate, but the easy familiarity we had for 8 years came to a sudden stop. With her traveling so much, how can I constructively work on building intimacy again? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. She's always been mine, and I knew it wholeheartedly. Now I'm on shaky ground and don't want to make anything worse, only want to improve from where we are, because it feels like time is of the essence. Sorry for the long post, thanks for listening...
Only being home for a few weeks before leaving again, I did everything I could to remain calm, give her space, yet still try to initiate and show her physical affection in many different ways. Each time I've been shot down, given the response "I'm just not feeling it right now", or something along those lines. She also said she wished I'd been more aggressive the second she got home, after not seeing her for so long. Also have heard "It's never really been our thing". Ouch. I know we've had times where things slow down over the years, but we've always picked right back up and had good times in that department.
The night before leaving for another 2 weeks I tried to initiate (mainly to prove my interest, want to give space, but she needs to know my desire too, right?) and she kinda chuckled and said "No. Sorry. I'm just not that attracted to you right now." Double ouch. I asked if she could explain. She said not really, just not feeling it at the moment, and can't force feeling attracted to someone. I get that, I respect her, I didn't argue. Just said that will change, and that I wasn't worried.
Since I've known her I've always been somewhat overweight, maybe 20-30 lbs. She's always been thin. (we always diet together and work out, but it's usually shortlived on both ends). We like to go out to eat, party a bit, it's always been part of our social life. Recent years she's put on maybe 10 pounds and then last year we both packed on another 20 or so, going overboard too much (food and drink, midnight pizzas, etc). We both knew it had to change and talked about it a lot.
When she came back from her long trip a few months ago, I had gained more weight and she had lost some. I was feeling depressed, and I suppose a little intimidated. Could she sense this lack of confidence (a real sex drive killer on both ends)? I figured so. That day I went to the gym and signed up for 12 weeks of personal training and started that day. In the last 6 weeks I've lost 45 pounds and am feeling great (prob 20 to go). We still have not been intimate, but she says she's amazed at what I've done. Intimacy is "better" on a general basis, giving backrubs and kisses lately without her seeming distant, but I feel the longer we go without real intimacy the harder it will be to rekindle.
Feel like we're on the brink of losing our connection for good. Unfortunately I am suspecting some kind of (at least) emotional affair on her end, as the day she came back she was different toward me. Also she's been super sensitive about getting in great shape, body waxing, tanning, etc...and yet she won't touch me. Yeah, I know. Sounds bad, looks bad. She says she's doing it for me, for when this gets better, and that she's trying really hard and would never cheat, so don't worry, all will be fine. Realllly want to believe her as I always have. But for the first time I'm scared my wife is considering an affair, as I've never felt this level of detachment from her, and it's only been the last 6 weeks out of 8 years. Trust me, trying to project calm and not let on any over-insecurity I may feel, while still trying to express my feelings to her...is not easy. She doesn't like to "talk things to death", so it's kind of an actions-are-more-important-than-words situation right now.
We're "getting along" and generally affectionate, but the easy familiarity we had for 8 years came to a sudden stop. With her traveling so much, how can I constructively work on building intimacy again? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. She's always been mine, and I knew it wholeheartedly. Now I'm on shaky ground and don't want to make anything worse, only want to improve from where we are, because it feels like time is of the essence. Sorry for the long post, thanks for listening...