[Shamwow]

So...Been married 6 years, dated for 2 prior. I'm 34, my wife is 36. She travels for work, and the times vary from month to month based on her contracts. She started traveling about 4 years ago, and it's always been 5-7 day stints, maybe once a month. The last year or so the lengths have grown, and after a massively long stint a few months ago (10 weeks!), she came back feeling "changed". Not about "us", she said, just overall. She was super affectionate though the first couple days, but since then she has withdrawn and spent lots of time alone listening to music, staying up late, etc.

Only being home for a few weeks before leaving again, I did everything I could to remain calm, give her space, yet still try to initiate and show her physical affection in many different ways. Each time I've been shot down, given the response "I'm just not feeling it right now", or something along those lines. She also said she wished I'd been more aggressive the second she got home, after not seeing her for so long. Also have heard "It's never really been our thing". Ouch. I know we've had times where things slow down over the years, but we've always picked right back up and had good times in that department.

The night before leaving for another 2 weeks I tried to initiate (mainly to prove my interest, want to give space, but she needs to know my desire too, right?) and she kinda chuckled and said "No. Sorry. I'm just not that attracted to you right now." Double ouch. I asked if she could explain. She said not really, just not feeling it at the moment, and can't force feeling attracted to someone. I get that, I respect her, I didn't argue. Just said that will change, and that I wasn't worried.

Since I've known her I've always been somewhat overweight, maybe 20-30 lbs. She's always been thin. (we always diet together and work out, but it's usually shortlived on both ends). We like to go out to eat, party a bit, it's always been part of our social life. Recent years she's put on maybe 10 pounds and then last year we both packed on another 20 or so, going overboard too much (food and drink, midnight pizzas, etc). We both knew it had to change and talked about it a lot.

When she came back from her long trip a few months ago, I had gained more weight and she had lost some. I was feeling depressed, and I suppose a little intimidated. Could she sense this lack of confidence (a real sex drive killer on both ends)? I figured so. That day I went to the gym and signed up for 12 weeks of personal training and started that day. In the last 6 weeks I've lost 45 pounds and am feeling great (prob 20 to go). We still have not been intimate, but she says she's amazed at what I've done. Intimacy is "better" on a general basis, giving backrubs and kisses lately without her seeming distant, but I feel the longer we go without real intimacy the harder it will be to rekindle.

Feel like we're on the brink of losing our connection for good. Unfortunately I am suspecting some kind of (at least) emotional affair on her end, as the day she came back she was different toward me. Also she's been super sensitive about getting in great shape, body waxing, tanning, etc...and yet she won't touch me. Yeah, I know. Sounds bad, looks bad. She says she's doing it for me, for when this gets better, and that she's trying really hard and would never cheat, so don't worry, all will be fine. Realllly want to believe her as I always have. But for the first time I'm scared my wife is considering an affair, as I've never felt this level of detachment from her, and it's only been the last 6 weeks out of 8 years. Trust me, trying to project calm and not let on any over-insecurity I may feel, while still trying to express my feelings to her...is not easy. She doesn't like to "talk things to death", so it's kind of an actions-are-more-important-than-words situation right now.

We're "getting along" and generally affectionate, but the easy familiarity we had for 8 years came to a sudden stop. With her traveling so much, how can I constructively work on building intimacy again? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. She's always been mine, and I knew it wholeheartedly. Now I'm on shaky ground and don't want to make anything worse, only want to improve from where we are, because it feels like time is of the essence. Sorry for the long post, thanks for listening...

 

[starbrite]

So...Been married 6 years, dated for 2 prior. My wife travels for work, and the times vary from month to month based on her contracts. She started traveling about 4 years ago, and it's always been 5-7 day stints, maybe once a month. The last year or so the lengths have grown, and after a massively long stint a few months ago (10 weeks!), she came back feeling "changed". Not about "us", she said, just overall (her job was somewhat dangerous, involving weather). She was super affectionate though the first couple days, but since then she has withdrawn and spent lots of time alone listening to music, staying up late, etc.

Only being home for a weeks before leaving again, I did everything I could to remain calm, give her space, yet still try to initiate and show her physical affection in many different ways. Each time I've been shot down, given the response "I'm just not feeling it right now", or something along those lines. She also said she wished I'd been more aggressive the second she got home, after not seeing her for so long. Also have heard "It's never really been our thing". Ouch. I know we've had times where things slow down over the years, but we've always picked right back up and had exciting times in that department.

The night before leaving for another 2 weeks I tried to initiate (mainly to prove my interest, want to give space, but she needs to know my desire too, right?) and she kinda chuckled and said "No. Sorry. I'm just not that attracted to you right now." Double ouch. I asked if she could explain. She said not really, just not feeling it at the moment, and can't force feeling attracted to someone. I get that, I respect her, I didn't argue. Just said that will change, and that I wasn't worried.

Since I've known her I've always been somewhat overweight, maybe 20-30 lbs. She's always been thin. (we always diet together and work out, but it's usually shortlived on both ends). We like to go out to eat, party a bit, it's always been part of our social life. Recent years she's put on maybe 10 pounds and then last year we both packed on another 20 or so, going overboard too much (food and drink, midnight pizzas, etc). We both knew it had to change and talked about it a lot.

When she came back from her long trip a few months ago, I had gained more weight and she had lost some. I was feeling depressed, and I suppose a little intimidated. Could she sense this lack of confidence (a real sex drive killer on both ends)? I figured so. That day I went to the gym and signed up for 12 weeks of personal training and started that day. In the last 6 weeks I've lost 45 pounds and am feeling great (prob 20 to go). We still have not been intimate, but she says she's amazed at what I've done. Intimacy is "better" on a general basis, giving backrubs and kisses lately without her seeming distant, but I feel the longer we go without real intimacy the harder it will be to rekindle.

Feel like we're on the brink of losing our connection for good. Unfortunately I am suspecting some kind of (at least) emotional affair on her end, as the day she came back she was different toward me. Also she's been super sensitive about getting in great shape, body waxing, tanning, etc...and yet she won't touch me. Yeah, I know. Sounds bad, looks bad. She says she's doing it for me, for when this gets better, and that she's trying really hard and would never cheat, so don't worry, all will be fine. Realllly want to believe her as I always have. But for the first time I'm scared my wife is considering an affair, as I've never felt this level of detachment from her, and it's only been the last 6 weeks out of 8 years. Trust me, trying to project calm and not let on any over-insecurity I may feel, while still trying to express my feelings to her...is not easy. She doesn't like to "talk things to death", so it's kind of an acctions-are-more-important-than-words situation right now.

We're friendly and generally affectionate, but the easy familiarity we had for 8 years came to a sudden stop. With her traveling so much, how can I constructively work on building intimacy again? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. She's always been mine, and I knew it wholeheartedly. Now I'm on shaky ground and don't want to make anything worse, only want to improve from where we are, because it feels like time is of the essence. Sorry for the long post, thanks for listening...

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Entropy3000]

So...Been married 6 years, dated for 2 prior. I'm 34, my wife is 36. She travels for work, and the times vary from month to month based on her contracts. She started traveling about 4 years ago, and it's always been 5-7 day stints, maybe once a month. The last year or so the lengths have grown, and after a massively long stint a few months ago (10 weeks!), she came back feeling "changed". Not about "us", she said, just overall (her job is scientific, in safe but potentially dangerous environments). She was super affectionate though the first couple days, but since then she has withdrawn and spent lots of time alone listening to music, staying up late, etc.

Only being home for a weeks before leaving again, I did everything I could to remain calm, give her space, yet still try to initiate and show her physical affection in many different ways. Each time I've been shot down, given the response "I'm just not feeling it right now", or something along those lines. She also said she wished I'd been more aggressive the second she got home, after not seeing her for so long. Also have heard "It's never really been our thing". Ouch. I know we've had times where things slow down over the years, but we've always picked right back up and had exciting times in that department.

The night before leaving for another 2 weeks I tried to initiate (mainly to prove my interest, want to give space, but she needs to know my desire too, right?) and she kinda chuckled and said "No. Sorry. I'm just not that attracted to you right now." Double ouch. I asked if she could explain. She said not really, just not feeling it at the moment, and can't force feeling attracted to someone. I get that, I respect her, I didn't argue. Just said that will change, and that I wasn't worried.

Since I've known her I've always been somewhat overweight, maybe 20-30 lbs. She's always been thin. (we always diet together and work out, but it's usually shortlived on both ends). We like to go out to eat, party a bit, it's always been part of our social life. Recent years she's put on maybe 10 pounds and then last year we both packed on another 20 or so, going overboard too much (food and drink, midnight pizzas, etc). We both knew it had to change and talked about it a lot.

When she came back from her long trip a few months ago, I had gained more weight and she had lost some. I was feeling depressed, and I suppose a little intimidated. Could she sense this lack of confidence (a real sex drive killer on both ends)? I figured so. That day I went to the gym and signed up for 12 weeks of personal training and started that day. In the last 6 weeks I've lost 45 pounds and am feeling great (prob 20 to go). We still have not been intimate, but she says she's amazed at what I've done. Intimacy is "better" on a general basis, giving backrubs and kisses lately without her seeming distant, but I feel the longer we go without real intimacy the harder it will be to rekindle.

Feel like we're on the brink of losing our connection for good. Unfortunately I am suspecting some kind of (at least) emotional affair on her end, as the day she came back she was different toward me. Also she's been super sensitive about getting in great shape, body waxing, tanning, etc...and yet she won't touch me. Yeah, I know. Sounds bad, looks bad. She says she's doing it for me, for when this gets better, and that she's trying really hard and would never cheat, so don't worry, all will be fine. Realllly want to believe her as I always have. But for the first time I'm scared my wife is considering an affair, as I've never felt this level of detachment from her, and it's only been the last 6 weeks out of 8 years. Trust me, trying to project calm and not let on any over-insecurity I may feel, while still trying to express my feelings to her...is not easy. She doesn't like to "talk things to death", so it's kind of an acctions-are-more-important-than-words situation right now.

We're friendly and generally affectionate, but the easy familiarity we had for 8 years came to a sudden stop. With her traveling so much, how can I constructively work on building intimacy again? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. She's always been mine, and I knew it wholeheartedly. Now I'm on shaky ground and don't want to make anything worse, only want to improve from where we are, because it feels like time is of the essence. Sorry for the long post, thanks for listening...

Sounds like she consummated the affair during that ten weeks. She is upping her sex rank for that other person or persons. You guys say you party a lot. Does she party while she is on the road. Does she travel with a group of men? Do you know who they are?

You are going to have to research this to see if she is in an affair. It sounds like it. If there is an affair, then you cannot reconnect with her until that ends.

So you have not been intimate for months!? Yet she is sexing herself up. This is a smoking gun. She giggled at you in you wanting to touch her. So that tells me she thinks she has a really hot guy now and you just do nothing for her. She is laughing at you about it. Again, maybe it is not a hot guy but a hot life style she is into.

Her comment about you not being aggressive tells us she has had sex with an Alpha male who ravages her and makes her feel like a woman. She is looking for more passionate sex and you are not giving it to her. You are too worried about losing her and you are no being Alpha enough. She is getting that somewhere else now it seems. If by some miracle she is not having sex with someone else she has told you what she expects from you adn you are not doing it.

Ok, so I think at the very next opportunity you need to flat ravage her. Be agressive. Take her. Show urgency. Get lost in her. Do not hold back. Rip her panties off of her. I am not saying be violent. I am saying be so urgent that you seem to lose all control over yourself. You must have her. You must have her now. No Beta lovey dovey stuff. Just give her raw heated passionate I must have you now sex. Do her where ever. Then after wards you can be all cuddly.

read this blog / book

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

 

[Shamwow]

Entropy - Hard to hear it so straight, but it's pretty clear to me too. She does party on the road, as do I sometimes. And yes, she works with other men. I know most of them, but certainly not all. Never been concerned because we always had such a close connection at home. It was obvious she was loyal. But yeah, I realize that as a husband it's a pretty bad situation to be comfortable with her going into on a regular basis. Would love to go back a couple years and address that. (though I do travel out to visit her regularly...just not able to be with her every day she's gone)

So clearly she knows I suspect something, from our conversation about all the body improvement yet no sex for me, since she felt the need to say she wouldn't cheat. I was calm and firm that anything like that would be unacceptable...but of course she's on the road again now and I can't get a clear picture of what's going on.

So how to find out for sure? Hesitate to call any of her coworkers because I don't know them "that" well, don't know what the story is and they may know more than they let on and lie. Then of course she would get the scoop that I'm checking up...not sure if that's good or bad? I'd rather just know, instead of her knowing that I know. Then I'd have some hand in the situation.

Or maybe I should book a ticket tomorrow? Don't wanna be that guy, but wouldn't want to drop an ultimatum and be wrong (even though it sure seems the odds arenn't in my favor on that one).

Agreed - Totally plan to ravage her, and am on that boat for when she gets back...her lack of sexual respect needs to be addressed, and her needs do too. (Though if I find proof she's having an affair, not sure I'd wanna give her the pleasure of me even being here when she gets back.)

 

[Stonewall]

All the signs say shes stepping out. Start figuring out how your'e going to deal with it. You'll have to decide if you want to salvage it or end it. Develop a plan and follow through.

 

[PHTlump]

You need to find out whether she's having an affair. Check her email/Facebook/cell phone records. Is she calling or texting one number too much and/or at the wrong times? Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car. Put some spy-ware on her cell phone that will forward you all her texts, let you listen to her calls, and record her GPS movements. Maybe hire a PI to do some of this while she's out of town.

Odds are, she's having a physical affair. If she is, you have to decide whether you want to continue or not. Since you didn't say anything about kids, I assume you don't have any. That makes divorce a pretty easy option. But, if you want to reconcile, you need to change yourself to ensure you're not vulnerable being victimized again.

You're already working on your physical appearance. That's great. Either your wife will be more attracted to you, or you will be better prepared to get back on the dating scene. You also need to be preparing yourself mentally and emotionally. Read up on Married Man Sex Life and the 180 at Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list .

The 180 is designed to shock a disloyal spouse back to reality and pull them back to the relationship, but it also prepares the betrayed spouse to leave the relationship with as much dignity as possible and be better prepared for future relationships.

 

[Shamwow]

Yes, I have seen suspicious email and phone activity lately. I don't monitor her email, but I have seen a few sitting open on her computer recently that have given me an idea of who it may be. Checking phone bill shows many texts to that same person (though she texts tons of people...I think she may be addicted to her phone). I can't get into her phone as she lately keeps it closely guarded and locked with a passcode (for "work"...yeah). Of course, didn't notice that aspect of her behavior until I had reason to be suspicious.

Wow I'm screwed here. Should've seen this 10 miles out. But like I said, the affection was always there so I felt no need to distrust her. Like to think I'm a pretty smart guy, but clearly made some stupid moves in terms of enforcing boundaries with my wife in the last few years. She needed to know I could walk at any time, and that I wouldn't just be happy taking care of the house and making sure the bills are paid on time. But...whatever all of that means, if she's doing this to me, she is ultimately the one at fault and I have to just get over it and get out before she sticks me again.

If she is having a physical affair, I'm out. She knows that. And I will stick to it. Probably why she didn't just tell me she was cheating the other day before she left. Her ability to travel for work so freely would be limited, as no one would be taking care of her life back home. Of course I don't "want" to leave, cause I am still in shock that my "sweet girl" has turned into a totally different person who seems to be completely indifferent to how I feel, and is probably losing respect for me every day I don't call her on it.

Which is why proof is important. Suggestive emails "I do dig you and care about you, okay?", "hope you're emailing me because you enjoy my company, not just cause you're bored", etc are proof of an EA, but when confronted she will deny (something like "he had a bad day, was just saying something nice, just friends") and I have no hard comeback to that, esp to prove it is truly physical.

So maybe a PI in whatever city she's in is the way to go? Seems creepy, but at least it would be an anonymous third party, I would know I can make my decision to walk without any guilt of "not doing all I could". If she has really done this, I will not pretend it can be made better. If she is teetering and has not consummated anything, I still will probably have to walk, at least for a while, as I feel I can't trust anything she says now...she would have to prove over a long period of time that she deserved my trust again, and that would include her coming off the road and working at home again. As cold as she is lately, she will probably cut me off in the middle of my ultimatum and say she wants a divorce. So I'd like to preempt her if I can and at least bring consequences for her actions without me playing the victim.

 

[Shamwow]

She also has a female work friend she used to work with about a year ago with that she texts all the time...back then she told me that this friend of hers was in an emotional affair and was considering cheating on her husband. Perhaps they text and talk so much because she sees her as a safe sounding board for her own desires/schemes to cheat. I don't know that friend personally though, so I'm guessing she would stonewall me and stick to my wife's story if I were to contact her. Wish I could count on someone being honest with me, besides me (and all of you, thanks!). This is all very new to me, to not trust a word my wife says leaves me feeling pretty isolated.

 

[Scannerguard]

I am going with the consenus here.

Women don't respect you until you play hard ball so I would figure out how you are going to start winding up and place a hardball up around her eyes and inside to get her attention.

Yes, that "giggle" is a giggle of disrespect.

Suggestive emails are enough coupled with the lack of physical contact is enough for me.

 

[PHTlump]

If she has already left, then get a PI. If she hasn't, you can look on Youtube and find out how to crack her phone password in 10 seconds.

Also, start talking to lawyers today. Plan for the divorce. Once you have the proof you need, you want to be ready to pull the trigger.

Check out DadsDivorce.com: Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce for information tailored to men divorcing.

 

[Shamwow]

Wow. She is out of town right now...Just called her hotel and asked for the room of the guy I suspect she is cheating with. No one by that name. Tried the hotel next door...they said "one moment please, I'll put you through". I hung up when they transferered me. So he is there in town with her for NO VALID REASON. He's not working with her, he's just visiting my (now soon to be ex) wife.

Also on a hunch called the airline to "request an upgrade" for her flight home. Her flight leaves two days earlier than she told me and it is NOT coming home. She is heading off for a weekend without me, clearly with him. Help me guys, how can I nail her the hardest on this without coming off as a lowbrow victim? Should I even confront her, or just not be here when she gets back? She'd probably deny it if I confronted her, even in the face of this evidence of infidelity and complete lack of respect.

The house is in her name, and it's underwater...can I just walk and leave her to deal with it? We live in a no-fault state, so what do I need to consider in terms of divorce plans? Does infidelity even matter in a no-fault situation? I don't want to give her a dime. I'm guessing she's spent a couple grand putting this together already (clothes, lingerie, hair extentions, waxing, etc). Want to be calm about this, but also feel so much rage that I want her to feel serious pain as a result of this. She used to always tell me how smart I am. Clearly she lost sight of that and either is being very sloppy because she's in fantasy-land now, or just plain doesn't give a s**t. Most likely both.

If I flew to her getaway next weekend she would probably laugh in my face at this point, as she obviously doesn't care one bit about me or how this makes me feel. Wouldn't want to be victimized again. Really want to punch him in the neck though...not to get her back, clearly she's already gone, and with a PA I won't stand for hanging around (though is the information I mentioned considered evidence of the affair, or is it circumstantial? Do I need a PI to get pics of them walking hand in hand, kissing or entering hotel room together, or what?)

I know he's married. Pretty tempting to call his house and ask his wife if I can speak to him...maybe find out where he's gone to "on business". Wonder what he told her. Really hard to not start meddling and eff up his life too. But once again, want to calm down before doing anything.

Really hurting here, can't eat, can't sleep, don't want to work, keep finding more things she lied directly to me about. Have now talked to my closest friend about what's happening (he recently went through this with a longtime gf), and have an appt with a therapist tomorrow morning to get myself straightened out.

Any recommends on PI service?

 

[the guy]

IMO the more evibence the harder the pervurbiale slap in the face to her when you confront.
I would get the PI, costly but very effective when confronting. They are state lic. so what ever state she is travaling in you will need to hire one in that state.

Right now you have good evidence but it all can be explained as "just friends" and an apoligy for lieing, not sleping around.

Stay strong I believe confrontation is most important so do not let on that you are investigating her, she can take it deeper under ground and cool off the A.

So with that said take the proof you have or gather more, confront wife, the expose to OMW. The reason I elect to confront 1st is b/c you then can get an idea if your wife want to continue the A, if she does continue A then you can expose to OMW....leverage if you will in stopping the affair.

If PA is for sure a deal breaker then expose to OMW 1st with the proof you have and then sit back and watch the fireworks. Well don't sit back, pack you stuff and leave her with that upside down house and leave with out saying a word.

 

[PHTlump]

Sorry for the results, but I think that's pretty iron clad. Trust me, you don't really want photo or video of them in your bed.

The first step you need to take is to get to a divorce lawyer ASAP. Tell him that you want to crush her. He will know every trick in the book. Also, check out the link to the divorce forum above. Those guys probably know tricks your lawyer doesn't.

Ask your lawyer about the best timeline for your actions. He can tell you whether you need more evidence before you confront, when to tell the other man's wife, etc.

I don't recommend flying to confront her. That just adds the cost of a last-minute plan ticket to your divorce. You can communicate your knowledge just as effectively with a text message.

And you do want to tell the other man's wife. She deserves to know as much as you do. But, not until your lawyer agrees that you're ready to file. Until you file, you play dumb and keep your mouth shut!

But first, get thee to a lawyer!

P.S. You should also open a safe deposit box and possibly an account in your name only that your soon-to-be-ex doesn't know about. Keep tax returns, bank statements, car titles, and maybe cash away from your STBX.

 

[Scannerguard]

No! No! No!

Strongly disagree with last poster. . .why not just go into an attorney's office and say, "Here. . .I'd like to hand you $20,000 all for nothing?"

The truth is, if you divorce, the outcome of your divorce is pretty much pre-determined. . .you may be able to negotiate a little better here or there, but not by much. You don't want a hawk for a lawyer, you want a dove, someone who knows negotiation.

Let's back up here before we come bringing in the hired guns.

This is more for the divorce part of this forum or divorcing. . .are you absolutely sure you want to divorce if this is true? The funny thing about divorce is is that it rarely cures the reason why you got divorced in the first place. While I think I can offer a lot of good guidance to men going through divorce, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

That being said, once confirmed, I do think infidelty is certainly good grounds.

I can coach you on the rest but honestly, step back and take a breath, and really be sure about this.

 

[Shamwow]

Don't want a long drawn-out ugly divorce, just want her to feel some serious pain too. Maybe it's just in the effect of how I let her know I'm leaving. And when it is proven (or she admits) that she had a physical affair, then yes, I will have to leave. Tried sticking around once with an old ex gf after a PA she had and it ended up killing my self-esteem for too long, felt weak to take something like that. Yes this is my marriage, but can't imagine ever feeling right after this. And can't imagine she'd even try to reconcile, considering how cold she's been to me lately. But I guess I'll have to find out.

Whether or not I have to file for divorce right away is a different story I guess. We have no kids, and we have some retirement accounts, but nothing massive. The accounts are in our own names so it should just be a matter of splitting up the crap and me moving the hell out.

Sorry this has turned into an Infidelity thread, and now a Divorce thread. Truly did start out as worried about flagging sex life. Unfortunate new details in the last 24 hours...

 

[Scannerguard]

Shamwow,

Okay,

A. Calm yourself a bit. Really get some more solid confirmation before you make a big life decision like this.

B. As far as "making her feel pain", trust me - with divorce, pain is inevitable, whether you make an attempt or not. This is whether you are the "leaver" or "the left." Your goal should be an equitable and fair outcome, not to exact revenge.

C. You may want to at least make a gesture of reconciliation - offer for her to go to counseling. She will more than likely say no but at least it gives you a bit of moral high ground. But when you make the gesture, I think you should really mean it. Many couples are able to overcome infidelty.

I think the problem though is what she seems to be doing isn't "impulsive."

Guys will generally forgive a woman for infidelty if their wife acts on an impulse, because they can kind of understand sexual impulses. Women don't forgive (and stats play this out) men for infidelty because they don't understand the idea of being impulsive.

However, this seems to be almost blatant disregard from where we are sitting, not impulsive.

Divorce is very much like a war and there is an Art of War and having the moral high ground does mean a bit in war. I prevailed pretty well on my divorce but it wasn't by being mean or even being nice. It's just a matter of being a good negotiator and knowing your rights/what you are entitled to and sticking to your boundaries.

Yes, a good attorney is still necessary, but hardly the lynchpin in the process.

I am honestly hoping for reconciliation.

 

[Stonewall]

I agree with scannerguard but guard your emotions in the process. Don't come across as needy, maintain your dignity. Yes I know that's hard but just do it. In the end you will feel better about yourself that way!

 

[morituri]

You can also send one of her pair of panties or thongs she brought back from her business trip, to have it analyzed for semen. No greater evidence will you possess that she has been having a PA than confirmation of traces of semen in her undergarments.

 

[Soccerfan73]

Lawyer up. No matter what option you choose, cover your own ***. Nobody else will.

 

[Shamwow]

Thanks everyone...I know, the last couple days I've gone from calm and hopeful to insane, then calm, then just hurt, then insane again. My good friend that I talked to did a lot of good in getting me to stop thinking about just jumping to conclusions/making rash decisions, getting revenge, etc, that will only make things crazier (and make me seem crazier). If I'm somehow wrong (which at this point I can only be wrong about the level of the affair, she is certainly attached to him), I wouldn't want her to have the satisfaction of thinking she did the right thing because I clearly turned out to be crazy anyway. Does that make sense? I'm not, btw. This is all so out of the blue.

I suppose I could grab a pair or two of panties when she gets back and have them analyzed...makes me sick to think about though. Either way I feel I have to know for sure, and I really don't believe she would tell me the truth if confronted, so I need some means of truth-getting...

So you think I should play it cool when she gets back, meanwhile discussing options with a lawyer, and then decide how to drop the bomb on her when the time is right? I'd like to have some kind of simple papers at least in the house before she gets back though, because if she comes back and tries to hit me with it first I will lose the one small piece of hand I have (emotionally, not realistically), if I could walk into my office and come back with something that says "Gotcha first", that would at least give me some more confidence in trying to be calm while she lies to my face. Does something like that exist? Yes, I sound weak when I say that, but I go from anger to weakness pretty quickly these last few days. It is shifting more to anger though...

That said, she will probably not say a word about it, and it will sure be hard to pretend I can stand to be in the same room with her, all the while she's thinking she pulled one over on her hubby (I probably will be "extra busy" with work all of a sudden, lots of office time - unfortunately I work at home). But I think I can handle that for a while. At least doing some of the 180 tactics should keep me from revealing any desperatation or hurt as it creeps up, as well as feel better about my position...but I so wanna drop the bomb.

So I can be patient and seek professional advice first if that seems like the best tack from an outside perspective. Hard to be the one on the inside of this mess. But I'm guessing everyone here knows a bit about that...thanks for your continued support all.