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We had one of those really healthy discussions today that involved a lot of crying. She admitted that she has been avoiding sex with me over the last 6 months because of a combination that she has very low self esteem about her weight and the fact that my erections aren't lasting as long as they used to.
She thought that her weight was reason for my ED. I told her I was just getting older and my libido wasn't what it used to be. I'm not sure if the weight is a huge factor or not. I would love for her to be thinner (she is probably 50lb overweight) but I can't guarantee that it would help.
I was also honest with her, that she was sending me all sorts of mixed messages. Sometimes she is really into spicing up sex with outfits, porn, and fantasies. But other times she finds them almost disgusting and gets mad when I want to do those things. It's kind of a Jeckle/Hyde thing :( The fact is that adding the spice helps me not think about anything else that might distract me. I don't need it every time, but my erection lasts a lot longer with these things. Having her tell me that my reduce erection time makes her feel like a bad wife puts a lot of pressure on me, which doesn't help.
She said the same thing that she has been saying for 20 years, that adding spice to our sex life means that she isn't good enough for me. I think she expects me to get erect and perform just because she gets naked. I am a very visual and verbal person. I love seeing her in outfits and hearing her talk dirty. But she just doesn't understand that men sometimes need something more than a naked wife standing there to get our motors running, especially when we get to be in our 40s+.
So my question is, should I be able to perform like I did when I was in my 20s, (20 years later)? Should I get just as excited by my wife now as I did 20 years ago? Is it unreasonable for me to want her to be an equal partner in spicing things up?

She doesn't have a lot of close friends and didn't really have much experience with men before we got married, so her exposure to other sexual viewpoints is very limited. She doesn't really like surfing sites like TAM. I'd love to find a book that would help her see that it is okay to enjoy spicing things up without feeling guilty about it later.
 

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No she's not being realistic.... I'm sure intellectually she knows this. Do you tell her often that you love her and find her attractive?

Maybe find some info online about sex and aging... read out aloud if she won't read it for herself. My H doesn't like to read much but he loves me to read to him. I sometimes save up interesting articles for when were all cuddled up in bed and I'll read to him and then we usually have some really good discussions!

I have found over the years (we're in our 40's) I need to take a more active role in our love making... but we try to keep it fun and relaxed. If he loses his erection H tells me his c0ck is all mine to play with if i can get him hard again and if that didn't happen we'd have fun trying.

So keep talking.... be honest with each other. She needs to know the pressure she's putting your under and the effect that's going to have on you and your erections.
 

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Sometimes she is really into spicing up sex with outfits, porn, and fantasies. But other times she finds them almost disgusting and gets mad when I want to do those things.
That means she doesn't want to do those things all the time. She does want you to be turned as turned on by her without all the frills as you are with the frill. So when she seems disgusted by those things, it's because she's feeling resentful of them. The more often you request those things, the more she believes that you need those things in order to want her.

She thought that her weight was reason for my ED. I told her I was just getting older and my libido wasn't what it used to be.
This makes me think maybe you hadn't talked to her about your ED. So she filled in the blanks and jumped to a conclusion based on her own already low self-esteem...she blamed herself for your ED.

I don't think she "expects" you to have the same stamina that you did at 20. I think she didn't know what to expect, and probably hadn't thought much about it, until she started noticing your ED and your obvious desire for fantasies and clothing and porn, and started blaming herself and her weight for it.

You've started communicating. Please keep talking until you truly understand each other.
 

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You didn't say anything about your weight or health. your P3nis is just another part of your body. Eat good balanced meals, exercise 5x per week, don't smoke or drink.

you will be surprised what it will do to your Libeto
 

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It's nearly impossible to perform the same in our 40s in many aspects, especially in the bedroom. Perhaps you have lw testosterone and shoud get a blood test at your doctors office.

With the spiced up angle, I suggest to stress to your wife that its her wearing it and saying it and that's what enhances the experience for you. You love her and that makes a great sexual act even better. You're not getting off on just hearing te mere words, but the fact that its coming from her.
 

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ps. older men...
does your erection get smaller as you get older?
My wife says it got bigger........

OP,
One of the things you can do is start working out and eating healthy.
Lessen down on harmful fatty foods.

Increase your intake of healthy fish and whole foods like nuts etc.

Also make sure and ask your doctor about it, just in case it is serious.

This should help with your ED.
 

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Jeopardy I have to thank you for bringing this up. My wife may have had some feelings similar to yours but I know I found myself losing my erection because all of the focus was on her. Not to long ago she said "I guess your just getting old" and I said "No I just need to be touched" . Touche'
 

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ps. older men...
does your erection get smaller as you get older?
Might be wrong.. was once before ;)

I thought mens erections just changed the angle at which they stood to attention at as they aged. I'm sure I saw a picture once with silhouettes of men at 18, 38, 58, 108 yrs old showing the angle at which his fully erect co*k changed from 18 years olds pointing at the ceiling to slowly lowering until they pointed at the ..well the floor.. pretty much.

But I do think a lot of women think that men are just hanging out for sex 24/7 with a permanent 'ready to leap into action' erection.

Hard (pun intended) to live up (pun intended) to :D
 

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I told her I was just getting older and my libido wasn't what it used to be.
My husband is not what he used to be either, he is going on 49... I WISH he was, it seemed as soon as I was revving up... he was beginning to slow down. Or it was likely I just noticed it all of a sudden, cause I wanted it more so. I did sent my husband to get his Test checked... Found to be "normal" but on the lower end.

Having her tell me that my reduce erection time makes her feel like a bad wife puts a lot of pressure on me, which doesn't help.
I was really pushing my husband's limits a few years ago, I even caused him some "performance pressure", I would also get worked up questioning his desire for me. It was never that.. just my insatiable desire for more.... I needed to restrain myself ~~ but I was having difficulty.:eek: We got through it & thank God for some Viagra, even cutting a 50mg into 4's helped him on some nights. After a year +, my drive started to calm, now we are on the same Libido plane...this helps. :)

She said the same thing that she has been saying for 20 years, that adding spice to our sex life means that she isn't good enough for me. I think she expects me to get erect and perform just because she gets naked. I am a very visual and verbal person. I love seeing her in outfits and hearing her talk dirty. But she just doesn't understand that men sometimes need something more than a naked wife standing there to get our motors running, especially when we get to be in our 40s+.
So very very true... when I wanted more sex, It became my life's goal to turn my husband ON....my new found mission, I was very passionate about it...near obsessive even....... I started reading sex books like mad, this was my favorite >> Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man: Ian Kerner: .... I went on a lingerie kick.... bought flavored lubes for kicking up the oral skills.....tried new postions.....rented porn.... planned romantic vacations ....bought some sex pillows (the Liberator).... even got a few books on flirting to enhance my verbal...which helped me help him -overcome some of the performance pressure even...

I have found...Getting more CREATIVE, sexually adventurous....using a little novelty - teasing, seducing, flirting....and lots of oral... this is what is needed by the wives.. as men are slowing down...

Greatest site for positions / sex anything >> Your Guide for Sex Tips

So my question is, should I be able to perform like I did when I was in my 20s, (20 years later)? Should I get just as excited by my wife now as I did 20 years ago? Is it unreasonable for me to want her to be an equal partner in spicing things up?


Here is a book to help with ideas ..it talks about these >>> "men's sexual response is affected by the "Big 5": stimulation, circulation, lubrication, stress, and sleep"... all about coping with the normal and gradual decline in the speed and intensity of male sexual response .

I don't personally have this book but it sounds good for older couples.

All Night Long: How to Make Love to a Man Over 50: Barbara Keesling: Books
 

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Interesting!

I was actually going to post something along these lines to ask for some advice. I am 55
I am quite lucky I think in that I have always been very randy in our marriage. I was a late starter so not sure if that may have some bearing on it.
The only thing I have noticed with age is my refractory period has increased somewhat.
I asked my wife if I had shrunk with age and she said no, if anything she thought I might have got larger if that is possible.

Recently, during two of our longer sessions when my penis was not involved directly with PIV sex it started wilting and the second of the two occasions it died off altogether. We were able to regain my erection but it definitely did not seem as firm to me.
On other occasions when we have had a longer session with PIV sex (we regard a longer session as 1/2 hour minimum and up to 7 or so different sexual positions) I have had absolutely no problems remaining erect.
Is half an hour to an hour regarded as a longer session by everyone else?
Is the wilting a normal thing or is it age, will it get worse?
 

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You didn't say anything about your weight or health. your P3nis is just another part of your body. Eat good balanced meals, exercise 5x per week, don't smoke or drink.

you will be surprised what it will do to your Libeto
Exactly what I was going to say....get healthy...start running...it works. ;)

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^^ I agree i think that exercising on a daily basis helps the blood flow as well I am 50 and in pretty good shape but i feel that because i do some type of aerobic activity everyday be it fast walking, jogging, or riding the bicycle it helps I also heard that diet can play important part and that eating watermelon helps due to enabling nitric acid a precursor for erections thats "My Plan" not to be confused with "The Plan"
 

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Aerobic activity is good but I'll add weight training for both you helps in general in the bedroom, not necessarily for the erection.

What's wrong with a little pharmacological help or is that going to get the "that she isn't good enough for me"?
 

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What are you doing about your ED? Have you seen a doctor?

Cialis has a much longer half life than Viagra.

Men need different things to get them erect; my husband only requires dirty talk or a passionate kiss. He is pushing 40.

It's great that you are not blaming her. I have had past partners blame me for their erectile dysfunction by saying I was "too fat". These men smoked cigarettes but somehow it was my fault.
 

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Aerobic activity is good but I'll add weight training for both you helps in general in the bedroom, not necessarily for the erection.
Agree, and I hit the weights hard. After a good session at the gym, I feel like I get a serious testosterone surge that last for hours. Wifey knows I'll be coming after her on those days.
 

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Aerobic activity is good but I'll add weight training for both you helps in general in the bedroom, not necessarily for the erection.

What's wrong with a little pharmacological help or is that going to get the "that she isn't good enough for me"?
yes i do that as well every other day like a circuit i use the strength machines etc
 

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OP mentioned his wife was overweight and they are both 40+. My wife started on weights and more aerobic activity when she was 47 for the explicit purpose of keeping (or upping) the sex good. I wish she we started sooner. I'm six years younger but joined up soon after seeing her results. Could be a win/win for OP.
 
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