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Discussion Starter #1
All this beginning stuff is backstory, its long I know but I lay the foundation. If you want to see the issues skip down to paragraph 5 please. Any advice will help.

Hello I really need some advice. My wife has been texting other people, men mostly instead of me. We haven't had any problems like this before until she went on this trip which she is still on for a month and a half. It is for work and in the U.S. So how do I know this you ask? Well I have been feeling very left out of her life since she left, first it was we can talk every day babe! As the first week goes by I have only talked to her on the phone once, twice at the most. Texts are very few and far in between. So I tell her I don't feel good about this why don't you call me and make an effort to talk to me more. I tell her this over the phone when I finally get to call her. She cries and says she knows its dumb that I even had to bring it up that I am sad she doesn't spend the time to contact me.

So fast forward a few days. Same thing. I had a feeling that me bringing up how its not cool for her to just abandon me wouldn't change anything, and it didn't. Her replies to my text are rare and fewer by the day. Now here is the real stuff. To clear up any questions, I live 3000miles away from anyone I know and right now I'm unemployed but searching for a job. So basically I keep myself entertained which isn't a big deal I enjoy life and have hobbies. I also met some locals that I went to a small computer lan party with. So when I say abandon me I mean it. She knows I'm not doing anything too important and If I am I tell her and she doesn't respond.

Moving on, she works with a group of people and they go out and do stuff in the city and what not. I am not a jealous person and I trust my wife. But those feelings started to change the less she talked to me even after I confronted her about it. She kept saying that she isn't sad or mopey and doesn't want to be a shut in during the time there. I tell her I want her to have fun and enjoy her time, only that I wish she would text me more and make time to call me or skype with me. She said she would and would download skype.

She has only called me to see how the lan party went. Didn't download skype and that was a week ago.

I don't think I am asking for much when I say please make time for me. I could be wrong.

So it got to me. I got mad and called her up. I told her how I felt again and this time she didn't cry. She has no answers for why she doesn't call me and says that she really didn't think it was a big deal. I tell her you're my wife and I want to talk to you and be part of your life even if you're gone. I tell her I bet the other people you work with make time for their spouse. She doesn't care. We talk in circles for a while and get no where.

The next day I tried to call back to apologize, she says not now I'll call you tomorrow. I ask why not now, she says she is out and wants to give me her full attention. I am ok with this.

Then I had a thought. I wonder if I can see how much and who she is texting. So I log into our cell phone provider and behold! I can. I can't read the texts of course.

So here I am with this months message data. I download it to spreadsheet and begin to dissect whats there. I have a good idea of her work schedule even though she didn't tell me what it was, so those texts I really don't care about. The ones I find interesting are the ones that happen from 9pm on.

Sorting through all the numbers I find 3 that stand out to me. Simply the most texted during the day. Im talking like 40 to 50 texts in an hour or so. Mind you at night when she could be talking to me or even texting me. It really got to me when I would see my text sent to her, and she didn't respond but went on having a long conversation with one of these 3 numbers.

The pattern that emerged was: #A would be blowing up her phone early in the night like 7-10ish. #B was thrown all in there but more predominant later 11-3. #C was pretty close with #B only late and the least amount.

So why is my wife not responding to my texts, but having very long conversations with these other people. Often very late into the night even when she works early the next day. Granted she says its boring there, not much to do, and so on.

My only reply to her when she says that is call me, text me if you're so bored. It seems these guys mainly #A has filled that spot. I am aware of the Emotional Infidelity and thats my diagnosis. If she ever calls me tonight I am going to slowly bring it up and see if she lies about things I know are true. Such do you text people before bed and stuff. Any help on how to bring this up to her? I want my wife to love me like she says and miss me and want to contact me and engage with me. But she doesn't and I don't know why as we have had a strong relationship.
 

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It's very simple. Your wife is having an affair. It might just be emotional at this point but what's clear is that she has detached from you. The problem is that whatever you bring up to her with little evidence it only going to be denied.

When does your wife get back from the trip?
 

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Do you have any way of going to where she is? You cannot go on like this for the next six weeks. If there's no way of getting together than yes you will have to speak with her and ask her what's going on. Like I mentioned she will deny if you accuse her of anything but there is a way to have a conversation without it turning into a coverup session. Quite frankly I would flat out tell her this is unacceptable and you demand to know what's going on. You can see the cell logs and you know she's active on her phone but is avoiding you.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I pretty much told her its unacceptable 2 times, once nicely and once more upset and angry. Now I have the phone log I will up front about it. And she just texted me thats she drained and doesn't want to have a serious talk tonight. Put off until tomorrow.
 

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Like it or not when a man is out of work his self esteem goes down. His confidence goes down. Many women lose interest in a man who is not confident.
She may be comparing you to other men she sees as successfull, interesting and not needy. this is one perspective. You are less attractive right now to her.

Also you are not now meeting each others needs. So you both are more vulnerable to an affair. Other people start meeting needs. This has happened. her needs are being met by one or more other people and she is trying to meet their needs and not yours.

What does she do for a living? Who is she travelling with. What do they do after work?

I get the full attention thing but realistically she is giving her attention elsewhere. The fact you have told her this and she is indifferent is that she is more interested in someone else at the moment.

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation.

Right now you have been isolated. So you have no idea about any Instigation and Escalations going on. But you have evidence in the texts.

Not good at all.

How old are you guys? How long have you been married? Any kids? Any previous affairs?

What did you / do you do for a living when you are working?
 

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I pretty much told her its unacceptable 2 times, once nicely and once more upset and angry. Now I have the phone log I will up front about it. And she just texted me thats she drained and doesn't want to have a serious talk tonight. Put off until tomorrow.
Ok so not to upset you but she really does not want ot deal with you at all. She feels she does not have to.

If life is so boring for her why would she be drained?
 
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I pretty much told her its unacceptable 2 times, once nicely and once more upset and angry. Now I have the phone log I will up front about it. And she just texted me thats she drained and doesn't want to have a serious talk tonight. Put off until tomorrow.
Just like she couldn't talk to you unless she could give you her full attention. Now you will see the call logs tonight and see she is active once again with everyone except you. This is not a good situation at all and clearly others are in the picture here.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
we're young, early 20s. She is air force. I do not have any way to go see her. Sadly I agree with you and I think you really hit the mark with this Entropy. We haven't been married long, almost a year but we've both put a lot of effort into it and no kids or previous affairs. Most of the people she works with are married, I do not know any of them but I do have info on 1 of the numbers that texts her a lot, he is married and I might reach out to him or his wife even about this late night texting if she doesn't come clean about it.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Ya I will see the call logs tonight. She is drained because she worked a couple hours over the usual time. But really its because she stayed up so damn late.
 

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we're young, early 20s. She is air force. I do not have any way to go see her. Sadly I agree with you and I think you really hit the mark with this Entropy. We haven't been married long, almost a year but we've both put a lot of effort into it and no kids or previous affairs. Most of the people she works with are married, I do not know any of them but I do have info on 1 of the numbers that texts her a lot, he is married and I might reach out to him or his wife even about this late night texting if she doesn't come clean about it.
Do not contact him. If you do he will contact your wife about it. The thing to do with be to contact his wife and tell her you see her husband and your wife texting in large amounts and at odd hours.
 

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Ya I will see the call logs tonight. She is drained because she worked a couple hours over the usual time. But really its because she stayed up so damn late.
Exactly, that's the reason she's so tired. You have some work to do first like maybe contacting the OM's wife. Then you can throw out to your wife that perhaps she wouldn't be so tired if she wasn't up to all hours texting certain people on her phone. I would just leave it at that.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
She said tomorrow will be a slower day, I will monitor the contact later tonight and see what happens. I tried to call her anyway, went to voicemail. If this isn't resolved by tomorrow then I will be contacting the OM's wife.
 

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She said tomorrow will be a slower day, I will monitor the contact later tonight and see what happens. I tried to call her anyway, went to voicemail. If this isn't resolved by tomorrow then I will be contacting the OM's wife.
Take a look at what happens with the phone tonight and then report back tomorrow. You're in the right place and we will help you of where to go from there.
 

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Military marriages for young folks are an extreme challenge. She is out partying with the boys. Married or not ... whatever. She is ignoring you and texting others. She does not even want to discuss with you. This could mean she has some bad news she would rather not share with you.

What happens after this detachment? Meaning where does she go and when is she gone again and for how long?

So all I can say is that you need to insist you get to talk to her for an extended time where you are her full focus.

How long has she been in the air force? Has she been a party girl?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
It will be 2 years soon and no she isn't a real party type girl. Ya I want to ask her, "What do you want to come home to? With this situation I can't for see a good homecoming." Tomorrow is the day for sure, Im gonna lay it all out and tell her if I don't get straight talk I've got some plans for the future.
 

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Ya I will see the call logs tonight. She is drained because she worked a couple hours over the usual time. But really its because she stayed up so damn late.[/QUOTE]

I hate to think this, but:

She doesn't call or text you because of an OM. No time for you,just him.

And the reason she was "working" so late because that was the time they spent together.

I hope I'm wrong
 

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you need to do something for yourself. Eat (healthy), workout, work like mad to get a job and maybe entertain some hobbies.
You need to do this in order not to look needy and pathetic compared to her colleagues.
It will also help you avoid spinning off in obsession.
 
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