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My wife and I have been married for just over 10 years. We have had our ups and downs, I have not always been the best husband. A year ago I had a change of heart and decided to give my all to my marriage. A few weeks later I found out my wife was texting her ex, and also going to see him, etc. My wife was also very depressed at the time, but undiagnosed. I was oblivious to it because up till that point I was mostly out of the relationship. Finding this out hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually am trying to get my marriage back up and running and my wife is actively hanging out with an ex BF. She kept calling him and texting him and when I asked her to stop, she did not. So, I texted the guy and asked him if he would stop communicating with her as she is married and keeping up the relationship was unhealthy for her. He agreed, and stopped responding to her. (Probably not the best thing I could have done). She of course flipped out and decided that she was going to end the relationship. We took a step back and through therapy and friends she was able to understand that it is for the best for her, her family and her health. I praised her constantly for this.

During the last 1 year we have gone through a lot but in general my wife made a lot of progress with her depression, through therapy and antidepressants. Turns out there is some deeper issues that she is working on and the ex is a part of them. I focused more and more on loving her completely as well.

She had not texted the EX in a very long time and internally it was probably something she was dealing with, but in general, our marriage was the bast it had ever been...communication was good, we did things that we have never done before.

About a month ago, I saw her start to get depressed and I kind of assumed it was because she was talking to the ex again but i did not bring it up and the depression went away about a week later.

A week ago, she opened up to me and told me that he had contacted her, but mostly just to say hi, and that was it. She also said it did correlate to her week of depression. She also told me that he just now reached out to her to say hi and they went back and forth a couple times. I told her that I appreciate her opening up to me and talking to me about it, but still in general I am uncomfortable about it and I would prefer if she continued to move forward with putting him in the past...as he has been doing so well. She said it is hard but she will put some distance. I said ok, just know that this really makes me uncomfortable and I want her to know that as her husband..those are my feelings. For what its worth I also asked her if she understood that it hurts me to have my wife keeping a relationship with an ex. She said she does see it, but that she does not know why if when they text it is innocent. She tells me that she chose me and she is happy with me and what we have.

So a couple days later she is sitting on the couch and I notice the two of them texting pictures back and forth for hours. I said I don't think this is the distance we spoke about to which she replied...I did not text him for 2 days...

A couple days later, the phone bill comes and I look at the usage report. It turns out that she is texting him first thing in the morning then conversing back and forth all day long for many days in a row.

I got livid. I was in another world in terms of my anger. So, again, I texted the ex and asked him to cease. He agreed again, as far as I can tell.

I came home that night and confronted my wife and told her that I had contacted him and told him to stop the communication. He response was "Were done, you ruined my life, etc, etc"

I have heard this before, so I just backed off and gave her some space. I relentlessly read articles and any other information I could on the internet (on this site specifically). It seems that texting an ex is a common thing, but the general sentiment is that if you are in a relationship based on love, you should probably understand your husbands feelings and let the past be the past to focus on the future with the one you want to be with for the rest of your life.

My question (sorry for the long lead) is:

Should I be ok with allowing her to rehash old times, keep the communication going, etc with the ex? I don't want to be controlling, but I struggle with something that makes me hurt and something that apparently makes her happy. She thinks it is perfectly acceptable for her to keep a friend relationship with him. I don't. I am pretty secure that she wont leave me for him, but I want my wife physically and mentally, and I think that there is a happy facade, but internally she is tied to him deeper than I know.

Do I just need to be more secure and trusting?

Thanks!!!
 
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