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Thanks for listening to me. I've been going through a lot over the past month and I feel like I need some advice.

Right before Christmas I noticed my wife had become disconnected and was extremely attracted to her phone. I randomly looked through her phone one night and saw her texting with another man -- they were talking about having a life together and she was making comments about not wanting to hurt me. I immediately called her on it and she just got pissed at me.

Over the past 4 weeks she has told me that she doesn't want to lose me and that she still loves me. However, I also noticed that they keep texting/talking even though she assures me that it is over between them and that they do not talk anymore.

When I try to talk to her she just gets mad and tells me to stop snooping through her phone and that I will never be able to trust her again. I have to admit it will take some time for me to trust her again (but it is something that I would be willing to do) but she has to stop talking to this guy.

We have a ten month old daughter and our marriage has been been put to the test. We have only been married for just over two years but we have been through enough stress to last a lifetime.

I feel heartbroken, confused and lost right now. I wish I knew what to do. I want to save my marriage but I know that if she can't stop talking to another man for me then I might need to move on.

Thoughts/suggestions?
 

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You should see if you can move this to the Coping With Infidelity section.

Or at the very least spend a few days reading through some of the stories there that are just like yours to see what works and what doesn't.

Your wife is having an emotional affair that might be physical.

First thing I'll tell you is you can't "nice" your wife out of an affair. If you beg, try to reason, offer forgiveness, start talking about working on the marriage, etc you're just going to drive her away even further. Women do not respect that and they do not respect doormats. I know it sounds cliche but now is the time to "man up". If you put too much pressure on her and come off as needy, she's just going work even further to hide the affair and drive it underground.

Second, I wouldn't even bring it up again. You need to collect evidence. keylogger on the computer, Do you have access to her cell phone account?, Voice activated recorder in the car or anywhere in the house she spends alone time with her phone. You already tipped her hand somewhat so she knows you're onto her already, but don't let her know how you know what's going on. It will just make it harder for you to get more evidence in the future.

Third, once you have enough evidence, you need to expose it to all her family, your family, and friends. Just say something along the lines of "I just thought you should know WS is having an affair with OM. I love her and my family but I feel I can't allow this to continue." Nothing breaks WS out of the fog like some reality. She'll be pissed but that will pass. (Don't do this without evidence) See if you can find out who the other man is and if he has a wife/girlfriend. If so expose to them to. DO NOT EXPOSE WITHOUT CONCRETE PROOF WHICH IS WHY YOU DO STEP 2 FIRST.

Fourth, tell her unless she completely breaks contact with OM, offers full transparance after what she's done to her family, that you will file for divorce. Don't make this as an empty threat, if she says no, then you file and have her served. If you make threats and give ultimatums you don't back up she's going to keep having her cake and eating it. And this one is critical, to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it.

I probably said it already but nothing wakes a WS out of the fog like a large dose of reality.

And in the downtime I suggest you start reading these

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

Surviving an Affair: Willard F. Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers: 9780800717582: Amazon.com: Books


And follow the 180:

Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It

A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

All of this might not get your wife back to the point you want, let alone your marriage, but you'll be better for it at least.
 

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Stop confronting and start gathering evidence. Then confront when you have something solid to go on. Premature confrontation is just going to force her to go underground. If she was going go stop she would have done so after you confronted the first time. I hate to say it, but as the other poster said it seems like your wife is in the middle of an emotional and/or physical affair.
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Why would you trust her? She has proven to be untrustworthy, now she has to earn it -- hhmm, can't do that while she's still lying to you.

There shouldn't be privacy in a marriage, big red flag if she's accusing you of snooping. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
 

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Hi Coach -

I'm sorry about this. You will get good advice.

I want to add: Do not leave the marital home if things get bad. I see BS's making this mistake.
 

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So now you know three things:
1. Your wife is having an affair
2. You can trust her to end it.
3. She will look you in the eye and lie to you

Stop talking to her about it. It's a waste of time. What you need to do cause grief for the OM and the affair so he dumps her

Find the OM. Find out his name, if he has a gf or wife
Find out how he knows your wife. Old bf? Coworker?
Find out if its a emotional or physical affair. I'm fearing is a PA.

Exposé the affair and the OM. If he's got a wife or gf, the first person you talk to his her.

Put a voice activates recorder in her car, You can get a VAR at bestbuy or Walmart, secure it under the car seat with Velcro.
 

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My god I was on ambien when I wrote all of that. Don't even remember your story or typing any of it:eek:

Well, stand by what I said excluding a few grammatical errors. Hope it helps.
 

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My god I was on ambien when I wrote all of that. Don't even remember your story or typing any of it:eek:

Well, stand by what I said excluding a few grammatical errors. Hope it helps.
Well, Jasel, you were certainly thinking clearly when you typed it up. Great advice that covered a lot. Let's hope Coach follows it!
 

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Her heart, body, mind, actions, and words all need to reside at the same address. You can't force anyone to be faithful but you can set clear boundaries regarding conduct you will tolerate. She's proven herself unfaithful, disloyal, uncommitted, and dishonest...and she wants to get mad at YOU? If she wishes to remain in the home, the rules are complete transparency and no more disengagement. If she's unhappy, both of you go to counseling. The next time she secretly communicates with another dude, her butt hits the street. No questions asked, no explanations accepted, no tears, no nasal secretions, no begging, no pleading, no threats. 100% entirely her choice. She can stay and be your wife or she can go to the devil and drive up his cell minutes. No fence sitting and no cake eating. She can plan on your team or turn in her jersey and get bent.
 

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look man your wife is craving adventure. a break from the norm, she's a new mother who probably feels old, and probably feels like your reassurances are forced because "your my husband and you have to say that" and the attention from a stranger can feel strange and exhilarating and becomes some what addictive. my advice find some one to watch the kid plan a surprize little trip even if it's for a day or two get your self some pot and make love in the car on the wa to where ever the hell you guy's are going make love i a feild the beech where ever just be spontaneous. get her something she can feel sexy in and show her off when you guy's go out for dinner. then at night whip out the pot you guys sit down watch a funny movie smoke a little and just start talking about every thing and anything and just listen no mater what she says just listen. we men get to a point where we feel old and lacking in attention from our own wives too just like women thik abouthow it feels for you and you'll probably find that your wife feels the same so it's up to you because lets face it women are a little more self centered when it comes to being married and if they feel slighted for some reason real or imagined and some stranger happens to come along right at that moment they start associating the stranger with passion and attraction and accosiate their spouse with the same old same old. the same old problems the same old bed with the same old positions and the same old routine over and over again. it's a trap why? because routine maybe safe but it is boring and you both end up just going through the motions. so don't be afraid to break that routine, find a sex club and bang with a bunch of strangers watching (ok that may be extreme but some times you need an extreme) it's about stepping out of your comfort zone because thats what she's finding some where else she might as wel feel so with you because when you look at it that stranger she's talking to can be anyone it's about what their offering not who they are.
 

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My god I was on ambien when I wrote all of that. Don't even remember your story or typing any of it:eek:

Well, stand by what I said excluding a few grammatical errors. Hope it helps.
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
 

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It's an affair coach. Find out who the OM is. See if you can get a look at her texts. Who cares if it's invasive?

I don't know why people expect privacy in a marriage. She thinks sex with you is reasonable but looking at her phone is unreasonable? Really?
 

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My god I was on ambien when I wrote all of that. Don't even remember your story or typing any of it:eek:

Well, stand by what I said excluding a few grammatical errors. Hope it helps.
You did that on ambien?

Damnnnn! You sir, are the man!
 

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You did that on ambien?

Damnnnn! You sir, are the man!
Thanks. I should probably stop using the computer period after taking that stuff. Already had to make sure I had facebook closed when I took it because I'd wake up to see statuses I didn't remember making. Having my family tell me we talked about things I don't remember talking about, cooking food I don't remember cooking, having arguments I don't remember having, etc. You can get pretty loopy on that stuff:rolleyes:

Anyway hope the OP at least read the advice.
 

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look man your wife is craving adventure. a break from the norm, she's a new mother who probably feels old, and probably feels like your reassurances are forced because "your my husband and you have to say that" and the attention from a stranger can feel strange and exhilarating and becomes some what addictive. my advice find some one to watch the kid plan a surprize little trip even if it's for a day or two get your self some pot and make love in the car on the wa to where ever the hell you guy's are going make love i a feild the beech where ever just be spontaneous. get her something she can feel sexy in and show her off when you guy's go out for dinner. then at night whip out the pot you guys sit down watch a funny movie smoke a little and just start talking about every thing and anything and just listen no mater what she says just listen. we men get to a point where we feel old and lacking in attention from our own wives too just like women thik abouthow it feels for you and you'll probably find that your wife feels the same so it's up to you because lets face it women are a little more self centered when it comes to being married and if they feel slighted for some reason real or imagined and some stranger happens to come along right at that moment they start associating the stranger with passion and attraction and accosiate their spouse with the same old same old. the same old problems the same old bed with the same old positions and the same old routine over and over again. it's a trap why? because routine maybe safe but it is boring and you both end up just going through the motions. so don't be afraid to break that routine, find a sex club and bang with a bunch of strangers watching (ok that may be extreme but some times you need an extreme) it's about stepping out of your comfort zone because thats what she's finding some where else she might as wel feel so with you because when you look at it that stranger she's talking to can be anyone it's about what their offering not who they are.
I want to hang out with this guy LOL.

But with that said, until the OM no longer has an effect on the dynamics on the marriage it will continue to deteriorate, the EA will get strong and the WW and the AP will just have more things to talk about.

So all the adventure OP takes with his WW the marriage will alway circle around to the OM.

Stop sharing your wife by asking your wife to leave. A statement that might save your marriage when your chick sees how confident you are in letting her go. A tactic that will make her second guess her choices....making her think twice in what she is about to loose

Chicks dig confident men so show her how confident you are.
 
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