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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thanks for listening to me. I've been going through a lot over the past month and I feel like I need some advice.

Right before Christmas I noticed my wife had become disconnected and was extremely attracted to her phone. I randomly looked through her phone one night and saw her texting with another man -- they were talking about having a life together and she was making comments about not wanting to hurt me. I immediately called her on it and she just got pissed at me.

Over the past 4 weeks she has told me that she doesn't want to lose me and that she still loves me. However, I also noticed that they keep texting/talking even though she assures me that it is over between them and that they do not talk anymore.

When I try to talk to her she just gets mad and tells me to stop snooping through her phone and that I will never be able to trust her again. I have to admit it will take some time for me to trust her again (but it is something that I would be willing to do) but she has to stop talking to this guy.

We have a ten month old daughter and our marriage has been been put to the test. We have only been married for just over two years but we have been through enough stress to last a lifetime.

I feel heartbroken, confused and lost right now. I wish I knew what to do. I want to save my marriage but I know that if she can't stop talking to another man for me then I might need to move on.

Thoughts/suggestions?
 

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You're going to get more feedback in the CWI sub-forum.When she's secretive and talking to another man about a life together she is having at least an EA(emotional affair).For all intents and purposes there are now three people in your marriage.I'm sorry you find yourself here.
 

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You have to bring the affair to the light of day and expose to friends and family. Do you know who the other man is, if not investigate. Check phone records. Install a var in her car and one in the house. Separate finances and cancel joint credit cards.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I dont know the man personally but he grew up with my wife. They hadn't talked to her in years and now tells her that he loves her and that he has always wanted her.

All of our friends and family know about this and all want us to try to work through it. She assures me that I just need to trust her. When I try to talk to her about it she laughs or rolls her eyes and acts like it is a joke.

Then when I break down she finally hugs me and tells me that everything is fine.

It feels like a terrible circle. I find myself isolating myself and I am having trouble focusing at work.
 

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CWI-Coping with Infidelity forum
 

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It is no joke, At best is is rug sweeping but you will need to step up yopur snooping to ensure she has not just taken this further underground.

Also trust is a two way street. She needs to trust you that this is unaccpetable AND that whether she sees an issue or not you do.

Blind trust is naive, lazy and ambivalent. But fundamentally she has broken trust. You trusted her not to be connecting with other men in thi manner.

You have more than yourself to be concerned about. You have a young child.

How longs has she been in touch with him? Are you certain they have not any physical contact? Where does he live.

Gather evidence but do not let her brush any of this off.

Inappropriate Behavior --> Unfaithfulness --> Cheating.

Her bonding with this guy at all is inappropriate. However form what you already know this has at least become unfaithful if not full blown cheating.

She will need to go full NC with this guy ... forever. Verifiably NC.

This means she needs to be completely transparent. You need access to all of her accounts and passwords. ALL of them. Be aware cheaters can have secret accounts and even cell phones.

Does she work?
 

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Then when I break down she finally hugs me and tells me that everything is fine.
Coach, do not break down anymore!!! This will be very difficult, because you're heartbroken, but you have to present a confident, tough, firm persona to her. I don't care how upset you are, you can't let her see that you're a mess.

It seems counterintuitive because you would think that if she saw how her actions were hurting you, she would stop the behavior, right? But it doesn't work that way. She's hardwired, being a woman, to be attracted to a strong, calm, confident man who doesn't take crap from anyone. Crying, begging and pleading reads to her as being pathetic and unattractive. It'll reinforce in her mind that the other man is the better choice for her. He's strong and confident. You're not.

The longer this goes on, he's going to look better and better, while your attractiveness ranking is going to continue to drop.

A man who doesn't tolerate another man in his marriage is an attractive man to women. And remember not to yell and scream at her. Every action you take is done in a calm, yet assertive and confident manner.
 

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I have been through the infidelity drama and it's no fun.

Are you going to tolerate being disrespected in this manner? Trust me, you are going to get angry and it can simmer for years. It doesn't sound like your wife is truly remorseful and wants to really work on your marriage. Although I don't know what her reason is for doing this, it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. My husband wanted to have a family and marriage yet still be available to other women.

I wouldn't waste my time with further snooping. For what? You need to make the hard decision that you may need to leave her. Not all marriages work out after infidelity. You deserve better.
 

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"When I try to talk to her about it she laughs or rolls her eyes and acts like it is a joke"

This is hugely DISRESPECTFUL to you and dismissive

You need to tell her that this behavior is not acceptable for a married woman and if she wantd the marriage to continue she needs to go no contact with this guy

If she doesn't, file
 

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Stop breaking down, chicks dig confident men.
Stop bring it up.
Stop communicating
Stop with the "I love you"
Stop telling her how you feel.

Start working on your attraction level (work out, hair cut, new clothes)

Start showing her there are consequences for bad behavior by disingaging her and show the indifference her action diserve.

These tactic will tell her you are confident enough to let her go and until she does the heavy lifting and address this choices she made she will infact lose you.

Once these tactics are in place and she will see that this in no joking matter. Once she sees you leting her go it will get her to think twice in what she had done and what she has lost.

The level of disrepect she has for her marriage pretty much amounts to the eye rolling and other statements she makes. Those eyes will stop rolling and start watering once you show her what she is about to lose.

The distance, indifference and lack of engagement are all action you will need to show her, for her to get it. Then it will be her bring it up it will be her wanting to talk about it.

In time hopefully she will come to you and ask you whats wrong....thats when you tell her "she hasn't done a damb thing to affair proof this marriage or earned any trust back and it is time for her to leave"

This statement will show her how confident you are in letting her go. This statement will shift the pwoer to her working on the marriage and not just you....get it?


Its risky brother. My old lady stayed, yours might take off...calling your bluff....but at this point your current marraige is one big bluff anyway.

Does the OM (other man) have a girl friend or wife? If he does then expose this thing....again another consequence that will stop thise eyes from rolling.
 
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