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The bedtime thing is awful - my god all of my kids at that age took a good hour to settle with constant mum mum mum at bedtime. Timing you and calling you is really terrible. She must have been very lucky to have two kids that just went to bed without a peep!! There’s even a book written about it ‘Go the F—- to Sleep’. I feel for you here.

I understand she may not have signed up for your daughter being there more than what she originally assumed but this is just insane. Has she forgotten what those early years were like? As I said, she must have had really obedient kids.

Maybe she could be a part of the bedtime routine, I’m not really sure how to fix that one but I would not tolerate being called on the phone while putting my kid to sleep.
 

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Discussion Starter · #42 ·
The bedtime thing is awful - my god all of my kids at that age took a good hour to settle with constant mum mum mum at bedtime. Timing you and calling you is really terrible. She must have been very lucky to have two kids that just went to bed without a peep!! There’s even a book written about it ‘Go the F—- to Sleep’. I feel for you here.

I understand she may not have signed up for your daughter being there more than what she originally assumed but this is just insane. Has she forgotten what those early years were like? As I said, she must have had really obedient kids.

Maybe she could be a part of the bedtime routine, I’m not really sure how to fix that one but I would not tolerate being called on the phone while putting my kid to sleep.
Yeah...so her youngest had to be moved out of her bed before I moved in. In 5th grade. And sleeps now with a TV on. Which was a point of contention with my daughter because I don't allow that. So yeah...
 

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Yeah...so her youngest had to be moved out of her bed before I moved in. In 5th grade. And sleeps now with a TV on. Which was a point of contention with my daughter because I don't allow that. So yeah...
Something is off here. She shared a bed that long with her own child... yet is concerned that you’re being inappropriate with your daughter and obsessing over your bedtime ritual with her to the point of ringing you?
 

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I’m wondering if someone in her own life might have been giving her grief about it being inappropriate for her to let her kid stay in the bed that long, and now she’s giving it back to someone else? Look many parents would have a lot to say about her co-sleeping situation, parents can be very judgemental. I’m really thinking this has something to do with her fixation on your relationship with your daughter
 

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Two more little stories about this. These have gotten better, primarily due to my daughter doing better at night.

So, my daughter went through a spell for about a month where she would wake once or twice a night, would knock on our door for me to put her back to bed. I would go up for typically 5-10 mins to get her settled. My wife would complain I was gone too long and tell me if I wanted to be up there with her just stay up there. She would tell me I was up there for at least 30 minutes. This got so bad I had to text her when I went up and came down to prove I wasn't up there that long. To me this was completely absurd as I didn't want to be woke up or be up any longer than needed. Thankfully my daughter only wakes probably once every 4-5 nights now.

Another point of contention was how long I spent with her on bedtime. Typically 20-25 minutes to get in pj's, brush teeth, read a book, all that stuff. This hlcame to a head one night when she felt I was taking too long and literally called my phone 8 times telling me to hurry up. There was no emergency, she just wanted me downstairs. I literally answered the phone while reading a book to her and had to tell my wife I would be down in a few minutes when the book was done and she was tucked in. Luckily, that hasn't happened again. Of course I asked if she had a mental illness because I had never experienced anything like that.
There is no way that I would have agreed to the texting or answering her phone in those situations, that is complete madness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #46 ·
So tonight as this is quickly becoming our reality in a few months (having sole custody for a few years due to mom being out of country), my wife hits me with this.

She told me-Let me have majority decision making and we can make this work. And just to clarify, I was like, you don't want to have 50/50 say in raising her, setting rules, etc. She said no, I want to raise her how I did my boys. She wants more like 75/25 say.

What the act f***? She didn't meet my daughter til she was 6. Now she is 7. Who would even think they have that right?
 

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IDK, people are a product of how they were raised. They will see minefields where you see nothing. I think she is being extra, but in a couple years sitting on your lap will be a grey area. If you want your marriage to last, it might be best to try and understand her perspective and try and find out where she comes from. It might be some weird Oedipus jealousy or just the way she is wired. I assume you married her because you believed she was a good person deep down.
 

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You're going to have to get her to sit down with someone maybe in couples counseling or church counseling who will just point blank tell her that it is normal to put your children number one over your spouse. You wouldn't be a very good father if you didn't. If you have a priest or pastor, I would start there.
 

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You're going to have to get her to sit down with someone maybe in couples counseling or church counseling who will just point blank tell her that it is normal to put your children number one over your spouse. You wouldn't be a very good father if you didn't. If you have a priest or pastor, I would start there.
It's normal but is it healthy? Not in many cases.
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
Why is your daughter's mother okay with going away for a few years?

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that.
Her career got derailed due to Covid. Opportunity to get it back on track. Not something I could do, but that's why.

We aren't even in an argument on who comes first. I feel she gets jealous with any attention going to my daughter.
 

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So tonight as this is quickly becoming our reality in a few months (having sole custody for a few years due to mom being out of country), my wife hits me with this.

She told me-Let me have majority decision making and we can make this work. And just to clarify, I was like, you don't want to have 50/50 say in raising her, setting rules, etc. She said no, I want to raise her how I did my boys. She wants more like 75/25 say.

What the act f***? She didn't meet my daughter til she was 6. Now she is 7. Who would even think they have that right?
You know your daughter, she doesn't. Its not up to her to decide how to bring her up and dictate who does what. Please dont agree to this, yours and your daughers lives will be hell. She has already give you a taste of what that would mean.
 

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Maybe she wants to feel like things are less out of her control. Would encourage her to try and do part of bedtime routine? See how your daughter reacts? Maybe she could read the story for example?

What did she say to you when you asked why she wants 75/25? Why does she want more responsibility for your daughter? Is it because she resents the time YOU spend with her and is hoping to somehow curtail that or chip away at the bond you have with her? Her raising her how she did her boys isn't much of an explanation...
 

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Discussion Starter · #54 ·
Maybe she wants to feel like things are less out of her control. Would encourage her to try and do part of bedtime routine? See how your daughter reacts? Maybe she could read the story for example?

What did she say to you when you asked why she wants 75/25? Why does she want more responsibility for your daughter? Is it because she resents the time YOU spend with her and is hoping to somehow curtail that or chip away at the bond you have with her? Her raising her how she did her boys isn't much of an explanation...
She says she doesn't want two sets of rules in the house. But with the age differences, that's already the case anyways. But I am for consistency there too. What worries me is she will frequently suggest I tell my daughter to go to bed at 7 or 730 just so we have more time alone. My daughter normally goes to bed about 815 to 830 which is a huge compromise on my part.
 

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She says she doesn't want two sets of rules in the house. But with the age differences, that's already the case anyways. But I am for consistency there too. What worries me is she will frequently suggest I tell my daughter to go to bed at 7 or 730 just so we have more time alone. My daughter normally goes to bed about 815 to 830 which is a huge compromise on my part.
Does yoir daughter have to be in bed for you two to have alone time?

Can she not hang out and do her own thing? My kids are older now but I don't remember having to entertain them right up until bed time even at your daughter's age.
 

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She says she doesn't want two sets of rules in the house. But with the age differences, that's already the case anyways. But I am for consistency there too. What worries me is she will frequently suggest I tell my daughter to go to bed at 7 or 730 just so we have more time alone. My daughter normally goes to bed about 815 to 830 which is a huge compromise on my part.
7 or 7:30 bedtime???? That's crazy. Please don't allow that if it's too early for your daughter.
 

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Is the reason for the current bedtime so that you can spend as much time with her as possible? That was true for me when I went back to work after almost a year at home. I made my child’s bedtime around 9:00 so that I had plenty of time to play games, read stories, etc. An early bedtime — to me — deprives the working parent(s) of time with the child. Maybe some parents are fine with that but I wasn’t and I doubt you are. She’s in competition with your daughter and she’s going to do whatever she can to win.
 

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What's adding additional stress to this is we are probably moving from a 50/50 schedule with my daughter to a 100% due to my ex taking a position out of country (for 2-3 years). My wife is super stressed about the potential change with a "I didn't sign up for this" attitude. To me that is **** as anyone in a marriage with kids involved is just an accident away from this at anytime.
As a person who has a stepmother who was super jealous of myself and my sister, I’ll say this:
Knowing what I know, if I married a woman and she acted that way, I’d divorce her tomorrow and never look back. She ruined my sister emotionally, to this day.
However, the stepmother took good. Are of my dad. She died a couple of years ago. It bothered me only for my dad and my stepsister.
You are not a good father if you allow this woman to abuse your daughter. She will, if only emotionally. You should send her packing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
Is the reason for the current bedtime so that you can spend as much time with her as possible? That was true for me when I went back to work after almost a year at home. I made my child’s bedtime around 9:00 so that I had plenty of time to play games, read stories, etc. An early bedtime — to me — deprives the working parent(s) of time with the child. Maybe some parents are fine with that but I wasn’t and I doubt you are. She’s in competition with your daughter and she’s going to do whatever she can to win.
Yeah, that's the biggest reason. And I am in sales and about half the time don't get home until 815 til sometimes 9. My daughter wants to wait up on me. She won't allow it. I would rather bend on those days too so I get that little time with her. On those days with school, I literally see her at breakfast and that's it.

And we just had another argument where she told me my daughter was exhausting just having her part time, she can't imagine it 100% of the time.

My daughter is high energy, but is well behaved and not defiant. Always good feedback from teachers, coaches, dance. While not perfect, my wife could certainly have it much more difficult.
 
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