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How much of your daughter's care is your wife going to be responsible for with 100% custody?

A lot of men dump the care of their kids onto the new wife. Can you verify whether this is the case with you?
Thats the risk when you marry a person with young children. After all 2 of the children there are hers.
 

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So my wife, new marriage, is very jealous of daughter. We have been married almost a year. My daughter is 7.

She has told me my daughter should never sit in my lap. She loves kids and will consistently talk about how cute kids are that age and how she would like to adopt them. However she is colder and colder to my daughter. She tells me constantly that I put my daughter before her.

Tonight I hit the breaking point because my daughter was laughing looking and touching my feet and comparing them to hers and saying she didn't want her feet to look like mine (me either!). I laughed and told her she was being weird. Afterwards my wife told me it was inappropriate how she was touching my feet and giggling. I just don't get it. Anyone been through this before? I also have an older teen son with no issues like this with her.
She's not like this about anyone or anything else really. It's like she doesn't like my daughter taking any attention from her.

No, she wasn't like this before. And its something that consistently is getting worse. She will also say she worries my daughter is too vain because she likes to dress up and look pretty and play with makeup or pretend. She will say she is just like her mom.
Da F? I would consider that a bait and switch and show my new wife the door.

I've been on the receiving end of a neglectful parent due to a jealous step-partner and definitely won't allow that for my daughter. Not to mention you have already set the standards when it comes to your children and her behavior is quite dishonest that she only revealed her colors after tying the knot.

Bloody hell.
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
How much of your daughter's care is your wife going to be responsible for with 100% custody?

A lot of men dump the care of their kids onto the new wife. Can you verify whether this is the case with you?
I dont know the answer to this. Obviously it would be more than before. But I would guess care in the house is 80% me and 20% her. I occasionally need her to pick up my daughter and obviously dinners when it's a family thing, but outside of that, very little. I do all the schooling, bedtime, dressing, all that stuff. One of my wife's complaints is if I happen to work late my daughter struggles with bedtime routine without me here. Usually my son manages that stuff in my absence.

Her two sons have a 50/50ish schedule at our house (a little more). My son I have sole custody of (what a tangled life I have lived!).
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
This is only a suspicion but given that she mostly complains about the physical aspects of your relationship, I guess she fears your relationship w/ D is becoming sexual in some way. I think that is crazy(if true) but am putting it out there in case it helps some how.
If she was post puberty sitting on my lap, I get that. I honestly think its an attention thing. My daughter was a night owl before we moved in. Bedtime normally 9-930. School here starts late. I've moved it up to 815 at wife's request so we have more time together. Which sucks as I usually work late couple times a week and on those nights I don't even see her really.

Also, I've told my work I would have to adjust schedules due to the potential change in custody specifically so I don't put too much on my wife.
 

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If she was post puberty sitting on my lap, I get that. I honestly think its an attention thing. My daughter was a night owl before we moved in. Bedtime normally 9-930. School here starts late. I've moved it up to 815 at wife's request so we have more time together. Which sucks as I usually work late couple times a week and on those nights I don't even see her really.

Also, I've told my work I would have to adjust schedules due to the potential change in custody specifically so I don't put too much on my wife.
Children need affection, especially little girls from their dad. I just hope you dont let your wifes disapproval affect how you interact with the child, your daughter will notice.
 

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If she was post puberty sitting on my lap, I get that. I honestly think its an attention thing. My daughter was a night owl before we moved in. Bedtime normally 9-930. School here starts late. I've moved it up to 815 at wife's request so we have more time together. Which sucks as I usually work late couple times a week and on those nights I don't even see her really.

Also, I've told my work I would have to adjust schedules due to the potential change in custody specifically so I don't put too much on my wife.
I don't think there's anything inappropriate about what you've described w/ your D.
I'm not agreeing w/ your wife, just trying to understand her. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it doesn't matter if she thinks it's an intimacy issue or plain old competition.
 

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Thats the risk when you marry a person with young children. After all 2 of the children there are hers.
Umm, no. She signed up to be his partner in parenting, not to assume full care of his daughter unless they agreed on that.

Nowhere did he say that he assumed full care of her kids, so I'm trying to understand if she is in fact fully responsible for all of them.
 

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I dont know the answer to this. Obviously it would be more than before. But I would guess care in the house is 80% me and 20% her. I occasionally need her to pick up my daughter and obviously dinners when it's a family thing, but outside of that, very little. I do all the schooling, bedtime, dressing, all that stuff. One of my wife's complaints is if I happen to work late my daughter struggles with bedtime routine without me here. Usually my son manages that stuff in my absence.

Her two sons have a 50/50ish schedule at our house (a little more). My son I have sole custody of (what a tangled life I have lived!).
That seems reasonable....I just wanted to rule that out.

Have you and your wife discussed how much of a role she'd like to have vs how much of a role you're comfortable with?

Perhaps if your wife bonded better with your daughter you'd have fewer issues? It might help if she had a more active role. If your daughter can't go to bed without you there that seems problematic.

Granted when I met my ex his daughter was older (16) but my ex not only did very little to encourage us to form a relationship....he actively sabotaged it by excluding me from a lot of things which I think in turn caused her to exclude me from a lot. He then got pissed off that I wasn't more interested in her.
 

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Umm, no. She signed up to be his partner in parenting, not to assume full care of his daughter unless they agreed on that.

Nowhere did he say that he assumed full care of her kids, so I'm trying to understand if she is in fact fully responsible for all of them.
Things happen though. Accidents and illness for example.At one time it looked as if my husbands then 17 year old may come and live with us full time. it didnt happen but I was not going to make thing of it.
 

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Things happen though. Accidents and illness for example.At one time it looked as if my husbands then 17 year old may come and live with us full time. it didnt happen but I was not going to make thing of it.
Fortunately he answered and clarified and I responded to that.
 

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Gosh, all the songs about daddys' little girl one would think there is something too it. Your W should come first but your daughter checking feet and how they look is not an issue in my book. That is your wife issue apparently.
 

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Your wife is acting very weird. Why does she think is inappropriate to play with your daughter? I guess taking a shower with your daughter is out of the question!

My husband has had a few stepmoms. His first step mom loves him like a son. She used to rock him to sleep when he was sick as a child. My husband remembers this very clearly and very affectionately. They both have a great relationship. She loves me like a daughter.

I have a cousin who had two children and his wife died of a brain tumor. His second wife came to his life when his second child was a toddler. I remember his second wife (his girlfriend at the time) laying down with this child helping her to sleep. The child is 10 now and even though she doesn't remember her biological mom, she feels her stepmom is her real mother.

Both women were loving and caring towards these children. There wasn't any jealousy or competition between the wife and the children. They understood the husband had small children he was responsible for.

I don't think your wife understands the needs of a child. I wonder how she raised her own children.

I would watch her behavior around your child. I would definitely get out if that behavior continues.

Wives can come and go. Your children are yours forever.
 

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Your wife is acting very weird. Why does she think is inappropriate to play with your daughter? I guess taking a shower with your daughter is out of the question!

My husband has had a few stepmoms. His first step mom loves him like a son. She used to rock him to sleep when he was sick as a child. My husband remembers this very clearly and very affectionately. They both have a great relationship. She loves me like a daughter.

I have a cousin who had two children and his wife died of a brain tumor. His second wife came to his life when his second child was a toddler. I remember his second wife (his girlfriend at the time) laying down with this child helping her to sleep. The child is 10 now and even though she doesn't remember her biological mom, she feels her stepmom is her real mother.

Both women were loving and caring towards these children. There wasn't any jealousy or competition between the wife and the children. They understood the husband had small children he was responsible for.

I don't think your wife understands the needs of a child. I wonder how she raised her own children.

I would watch her behavior around your child. I would definitely get out if that behavior continues.

Wives can come and go. Your children are yours forever.
You just reminded me of something my dad used to tell me.

He'd say "life, the *****es in your life will come and go but you and me are forever".

I get teary eyed thinking about it.

I was a daddy's girl.
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
That seems reasonable....I just wanted to rule that out.

Have you and your wife discussed how much of a role she'd like to have vs how much of a role you're comfortable with?

Perhaps if your wife bonded better with your daughter you'd have fewer issues? It might help if she had a more active role. If your daughter can't go to bed without you there that seems problematic.

Granted when I met my ex his daughter was older (16) but my ex not only did very little to encourage us to form a relationship....he actively sabotaged it by excluding me from a lot of things which I think in turn caused her to exclude me from a lot. He then got pissed off that I wasn't more interested in her.
I've tried getting her to do more with my daughter. Suggested things like mani/pedis, theme park days. My wife doesn't want to do any. I even ask her why she is not affectionate with her and she says she worries her youngest son would get jealous.

She is super affectionate with her sons. Past the point I am comfortable with in a lot of circumstances. Not anything wrong, just not how I was raised or would be with my kids at their age.
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
Two more little stories about this. These have gotten better, primarily due to my daughter doing better at night.

So, my daughter went through a spell for about a month where she would wake once or twice a night, would knock on our door for me to put her back to bed. I would go up for typically 5-10 mins to get her settled. My wife would complain I was gone too long and tell me if I wanted to be up there with her just stay up there. She would tell me I was up there for at least 30 minutes. This got so bad I had to text her when I went up and came down to prove I wasn't up there that long. To me this was completely absurd as I didn't want to be woke up or be up any longer than needed. Thankfully my daughter only wakes probably once every 4-5 nights now.

Another point of contention was how long I spent with her on bedtime. Typically 20-25 minutes to get in pj's, brush teeth, read a book, all that stuff. This hlcame to a head one night when she felt I was taking too long and literally called my phone 8 times telling me to hurry up. There was no emergency, she just wanted me downstairs. I literally answered the phone while reading a book to her and had to tell my wife I would be down in a few minutes when the book was done and she was tucked in. Luckily, that hasn't happened again. Of course I asked if she had a mental illness because I had never experienced anything like that.
 

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Perhaps I've missed it but how old are her boys? How does her parenting style compare to yours?

Have you considered going to a family counselor that specializes in blending families? Dealing with other people's kids is a big reason second marriages fail. Your wife for whatever reason isn't bonding with your daughter and family counseling might help with that.

Some people just don't bond with other kids like their own....I know I have trouble with that. If you guys had some tools and guidance they might be able to bond.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
Perhaps I've missed it but how old are her boys? How does her parenting style compare to yours?

Have you considered going to a family counselor that specializes in blending families? Dealing with other people's kids is a big reason second marriages fail. Your wife for whatever reason isn't bonding with your daughter and family counseling might help with that.

Some people just don't bond with other kids like their own....I know I have trouble with that. If you guys had some tools and guidance they might be able to bond.
Perhaps I've missed it but how old are her boys? How does her parenting style compare to yours?

Have you considered going to a family counselor that specializes in blending families? Dealing with other people's kids is a big reason second marriages fail. Your wife for whatever reason isn't bonding with your daughter and family counseling might help with that.

Some people just don't bond with other kids like their own....I know I have trouble with that. If you guys had some tools and guidance they might be able to bond.
P
11 and 16.

I've brought up counseling but she seems against it.
 

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P
11 and 16.

I've brought up counseling but she seems against it.

She seems against it doesn't mean she refuses.

I don't know how you framed the conversation but frame it in terms of helping both of you understand the others concerns.

Have you told her that you are struggling with understanding what is reasonable regarding her concerns?

Asking her to work on her issues will be received differently.

Dealing with 11 and 16 year olds is much different then a 7 year old. Younger kids are much needier.
 

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Two more little stories about this. These have gotten better, primarily due to my daughter doing better at night.

So, my daughter went through a spell for about a month where she would wake once or twice a night, would knock on our door for me to put her back to bed. I would go up for typically 5-10 mins to get her settled. My wife would complain I was gone too long and tell me if I wanted to be up there with her just stay up there. She would tell me I was up there for at least 30 minutes. This got so bad I had to text her when I went up and came down to prove I wasn't up there that long. To me this was completely absurd as I didn't want to be woke up or be up any longer than needed. Thankfully my daughter only wakes probably once every 4-5 nights now.

Another point of contention was how long I spent with her on bedtime. Typically 20-25 minutes to get in pj's, brush teeth, read a book, all that stuff. This hlcame to a head one night when she felt I was taking too long and literally called my phone 8 times telling me to hurry up. There was no emergency, she just wanted me downstairs. I literally answered the phone while reading a book to her and had to tell my wife I would be down in a few minutes when the book was done and she was tucked in. Luckily, that hasn't happened again. Of course I asked if she had a mental illness because I had never experienced anything like that.
Who would anyone put up with this? You think it's going to get better when your daughter is 13 and is acting out because of the crap going on at her house?
 
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