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I'll Start with a little background... We're a late-mid 20's couple been married 5 years. Known each other since high school. She smoked pot before we were together but only occasionally (once or twice a year some years not at all) ever since. I was the same way, before we were together I smoked a little bit back when we were teens but since we've been together only once or twice total. She and I went through a long process deciding what we would do with our lives i.e. Marriage, Careers, kids. The career path I took is one that doesn't allow me to use pot and I am randomly drug tested multiple times throughout the year.

Since I have had this job she also has not smoked practically at all in the 5 years I've been working there. At first we lived in a place where marijuana is legal, so I assumed she had made a choice to not smoke pot because I couldn't. Even if that wasn't the reason, she wasn't smoking and that kind of made it easy on me as far as just not being around it and still being able to do everything together with no issues.

Recently her friend came to stay with her for a couple of months, to help with the kids when I had to leave the country for work. Her friend (a heavy pot user) reintroduced pot to her daily life. Since then she has smoked almost daily even after I returned home.

So I feel like her smoking pot everyday, when I can't, is putting stress and distance in our relationship. To start with, we both know it's a risk to smoke around me in close vicinity, therefore if were watching TV, or laying in bed she will leave the room or go to the bathroom or leave with a friend to smoke. She also does this because she doesn't want to put it "in my face". To me it's the same thing. I feel left out and also separated because even if she doesn't smoke in my face I deal with it. I deal with her being high while I'm completely sober. I deal with her leaving from around me often, just because of that. I also have to deal with her texting her dealer which I'm really not comfortable with. It would be different if she expressed that she wanted to live her life this way 5-6 years ago before we decided that I would choose this career path. Then I probably wouldn't have chosen this career because, honestly, I'd probably be smoking right alongside her.

I have mentioned these feelings to her, but made it clear that I'm not trying to control her. I would never even ask her to stop, although I wish she would. I think it would be completely selfish and hypocritical to ask her to stop all together, but I think I would feel better if it was waaaayyy less often out of compassion for me. Because it really sucks and I feel much less connected to her almost as if we live two separate lives. What is your advice? Am I being ridiculous? Should I press the issue more?
 

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Surely she is at risk of having the children taken away if she is doing this? Its totally irresponsible to get high when you have children in the house. I wouldn't put up with it, not for a second. Nor would I put up with anyone coming to the house who smokes pot. Its also risking you job.
Asking someone to stop taking drugs isn't being controlling, its being sensible and wanting to protect your little children.
What sort of awful example is this setting them?

Is it legal where you are now?
 

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Very important: do you live in a state where recreational marijuana is legal? It sounds like you do not if she has to contact her "dealer". How old are your kids? Does your wife work?

I agree that her daily pot smoking vs your never smoking represent two very different lifestyles. If it continues, I suspect there will grow to be huge marital problems.
 

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Am I being ridiculous?
Well kind of...... I mean if it was me there would be no way my wife would be smoking pot. I wouldn't allow it and if she insisted I would probably get a divorce. This is purely hypothetical since there is no way she would suddenly start toking up. That's not to say I never tried it half a dozen times when I was in my 20s. That's also not say I have any major moral objection. It's simply incompatible with my life style for a ton of reasons like heath, risk of legal ramifications, cost, negative effects on child care, etc.

That being said your only objection seems to be you can't partake with her. Suppose you had a bum leg and she decided to take up rollerskating. Should you forbid her from doing it?
 

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Does your wife work? Or are you the bread winner? Just because she can and you can't, doesn't mean she should. You are the one supporting this family and don't get to partake, why should she? Your making a sacrifice to have this job to have a better life for your family. Where is her sacrifice? The least she could do is be supportive of your efforts to stay clean.

Kids in the home = NO DRUGZ Allowed!

By the way, I am very strongly against drugz, so I don't think anyone should be using any anyways.
 

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Recreational use is legal where we are and I will say she is pretty good about making sure the kids aren't around. The post is more about US. Me and her, if that makes sense, not about legality or responsibility. I have no real objection to marijuana use.
 

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That being said your only objection seems to be you can't partake with her. Suppose you had a bum leg and she decided to take up rollerskating. Should you forbid her from doing it?
Actually yes. I know that probably sounds pretty selfish, but it would only be if my leg was permanently broken or paralyzed for the foreseeable future and she only took it up afterwards. It probably wouldn't be as serious but I would feel seriously left out if that was the case. I like to do as much together as possible. Obviously we will have to do some things without each other but I think something this big, that goes on this often should be collaborative or inclusive at a minimum. I mean if she wasn't allowed to leave the state or the country, I certainly would not feel good about starting a worldwide travel tour.
 

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OP, it sounds like you are more envious of her than anything else. Can't say I'd be any different, if I were in your position. It's not fair, but life rarely is. As long as she is keeping her stuff together, taking care of her responsibilities, and not ignoring your needs, I don't see a reason to begrudge her the herb. Maybe ask her to just do it while you're at work so it's less in your face. Be sure she sticks to a budget too...
 

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I have no real objection to marijuana use.

The above says it all to me.

Hence, suffer the consequences. Your acquiessed choice.

Life is hard enough sober. Living in clouded smoke smells of escapism.

And those, those consequences, will one day suffer your marriage to death.

First being high, with a female friend, then being high with another male bird of the same 'persuade her some'.

Her life, progressing from 'not so bad' to done, finished.

She is putting the first coat of bad paint on your marriage.

Nip this in the bud...Bud.
 

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Does that go for Alcohol, the most abused drug of them all?
Of course not. ;)

But I am not a fan of abuse of alcohol either. Drinking, yes. I also don't like abuse of rx pills. But I do know sometimes rx's are necessary. Medical marijuana use, yes. People abuse food as well. Etc, etc. My main idea is to avoid abuse of substances and letting it control you.
 

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Actually yes. I know that probably sounds pretty selfish, but it would only be if my leg was permanently broken or paralyzed for the foreseeable future and she only took it up afterwards. It probably wouldn't be as serious but I would feel seriously left out if that was the case. I like to do as much together as possible. Obviously we will have to do some things without each other but I think something this big, that goes on this often should be collaborative or inclusive at a minimum. I mean if she wasn't allowed to leave the state or the country, I certainly would not feel good about starting a worldwide travel tour.
If you had said you were firmly against drug use then I would think you have a case, but IMHO the way you are putting it sounds kind of petty. I mean she's not even going somewhere without you.
 

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Of course not. ;)

But I am not a fan of abuse of alcohol either. Drinking, yes. I also don't like abuse of rx pills. But I do know sometimes rx's are necessary. Medical marijuana use, yes. People abuse food as well. Etc, etc. My main idea is to avoid abuse of substances and letting it control you.
I'm just pointing out that if you look at the overall effects of alcohol, they are easily worse than pot. There is just more of a stigma with pot. What would you think of someone who tokes up a couple times a month? How's that any worse than someone who goes for a couple beers once in a while?
 

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I'm just pointing out that if you look at the overall effects of alcohol, they are easy worse than pot. There is just more of a stigma with pot. What would you think of someone who tokes up a couple times a month? How's that any worse than someone who goes for a couple beers once in a while?
I get what you are saying. There is alot more stigma because it was illegal for so long. An occasional toker is probably not much different then an occasional alcohol user. However the weed will show up in a drug test for a long while, the alcohol won't show up for long.

I know people have different ideas and values on this forum then I do so that is why the first part of my post was worded in the way it was. However I needed to add at the end that I am against all drugs, because I am.

Some people get started with weed, then move on to other harder drugz. Not good.

In addition, I think more often then not, people have a vice, whether that is drugz or smoking, booze or food. They can all be abused.
 

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The above says it all to me.

Hence, suffer the consequences. Your acquiessed choice.

Life is hard enough sober. Living in clouded smoke smells of escapism.

And those, those consequences, will one day suffer your marriage to death.

First being high, with a female friend, then being high with another male bird of the same 'persuade her some'.

Her life, progressing from 'not so bad' to done, finished.

She is putting the first coat of bad paint on your marriage.

Nip this in the bud...Bud.
Not understanding this one.
 

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Alcohol is the gateway drug, not pot. You are a moron if you are against all drugs imo. They have made life so much better for so many people. Why just two days ago I had a pounding headache. Thanfully I reached into my drug cabinet and solved the issue within the hour. My son had an ear infection a couple weeks ago. A little amoxicillin and he was good to go in a few days. I have a hard time waking up without a little caffeine to start off my day. If I'm having a hard time going to sleep, a glass of wine does wonders for me. Puts me right to sleep. I was having a bad time last month at a concert, next thing I know someone passes me a joint and that turned my night right around for the better!

Drugs are awesome!

OP you are just upset you can't partake I get it. Just sit her down and have a talk with her if you have an issue with it. Come to an agreement together. Maybe she can smoke a bit with a friend now and again, but do it away from you? Im sure you two can reach an agreement if you sit down together and work on a compromise.
 

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Some people get started with weed, then move on to other harder drugz. Not good.
I dont think that is true... part of the old timer stimga they put on weed.
There has been no research that shows this in any form... so if that is one of your fears you can drop it.

Why cant you smoke if its legal in your state? Are there blood tests at work checking for marijuana in a state where its legal?
 

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Some people get started with weed, then move on to other harder drugz. Not good.
I dont think that is true... part of the old timer stimga they put on weed.
There has been no research that shows this in any form... so if that is one of your fears you can drop it.

Why cant you smoke if its legal in your state? Are there blood tests at work checking for marijuana in a state where its legal?
I can think of a lot of jobs that would certainly look down on pot use for good reason even if its legal in his state.
 
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