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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well it's been a while since I posted here. Thought typing something might give me a little personal therapy.

My wife has been in a EA for about 4 months. I investigated enough to know for sure what was going on. Then early January I filed for a divorce. We're still in the same house. I suggested many times that we should do some counseling and that if she would consider working on our marriage that I would stall the divorce proceedings. So far no progress.

I asked her again today if she was ready to work on our marriage. She said she doesn't know what to do. She loves this other man and she loves me. She says I need to continue with the divorce because I don't deserve to live like this. I know they have kissed and still do. I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if they have gone any farther. I said if they have that would make my decision much easier. She said no, but they have talked about it. He says as long as we are still married, he won't do any more. How commendable! This OM is a quadriplegic. Has limited use of his hands and arms. She says his private parts don't work. I don't know if this is true. So any additional physical intimacy between them is limited to mostly oral.

It is tough for me to think that 1) she is willing to give me and our family up for the emotional intimacy this man is providing and 2) she is willing to give up a physically and sexually healthy husband for a new man with limited ability to physically satisfy. Did I mention he is 10 years older than me? And 18 years older than my wife. Talk about a low blow to my ego!

I read the other day a thread by Imadeamistake titled "Read my story before leaving." I thought it was very well written. I printed it out and left it my wife's car today. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but it might get her thinking.

What about the idea of me visiting the OM? I know where he lives. I would like to make it very clear to him that he is instrumental in breaking up a marriage and family that in my mind is not "divorce worthy." Although this could push my wife further away at least in the short term.

Also, I haven't talked to her family at all about what is going on. They know I filed for a divorce, but they don't know the details. They have the attitude that their daughter/sister has been unhappy for a long time in her marriage and if this is what she needs to do to be happy, then they will support her. What she and her family don't want to admit is that getting rid of her husband is probably not going to improve the happiness factor. What saddens me is that the adage "love must be tough" needs to be applied here by all involved parties to get to the underlying problems. And I don't think that is going to happen by anyone but me.

I am sincere when I say I am willing to forgive my wife for past mistakes, (posted in previous threads) but this EA/mildPA is where I draw the line. Thus the divorce filing.

As it is with so many marriages, my spouse has many fine qualities, a few not so good attributes, and some issues that are totally unacceptable in any marriage. Maybe if my wife reads the thread I printed out for her we can change the current course of action before, as Billy Squire would say "another one bites the dust." Any thoughts?
 

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She is fence sitting on his side of the fence.

Any day she is not with you she is with him, period. Shes either with you or him, not both. The fact that OM is still in her life means she has chosen him a long time ago unfortunately.

Also, STOP trying to get her to reconcile. That will only make her lose respect for you. If she wants R she should be coming to you.

You may think this is merely pointless d!ck swinging, but respect and attitude are huge parts of a relationship.

As horrible as this fact is, abusive husbands rarely get cheated on and are very rarely a plan B, their wives wouldn't even consider it most of the time.

You wife is fooling around on her fence, cause she knows you aren't going anywhere, despite filing divorce since you come to ask/beg her for R frequently.
 

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the OM won't couldn't care less. Best case scenario you get laughed at. worst case scenario he calls the police and you get threatened with arrest for harassment. It happens more often than you'd think.

If your wife cannot make the choice make it for her. throw divorce papers in her face. It's a win win situation. If it wakes her up then great. If it doesn't then you are one step closer to being free of a toxic relationship. It's time to decide if you are happy being a cuckholded husband. I promise you that this nightmare will not end until YOU make it end.
 

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Kasler is right, stop trying to R. As long as she thinks you will be her backup plan you will only be her backup plan. You are enabling her affair.

The minute you turn your back on her and she sees she has lost you THEN she'll be interested in R.
 

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She loves this other man and she loves me. She says I know they have kissed and still do.

Come on LM. What does she need to do, drive a tractor over you. The trouble with a lot of men is, because of ego, they don't listen to what a woman is saying. What do you think she means when she said, "I (you) need to continue with the divorce because I (you) don't deserve to live like this? Why would she rather spend time with this other guy, as you described him, rather than with you? That’s something you need to think about.
The first thing you need to do is get your head on straight and realize you're threatening to divorce a woman who can't wait to sign the papers. (ever read Uncle Remus, "Please, Brer Fox, please don't throw me into the briar patch.") Wouldn’t it be better to look for wife in someone who actually likes you?
 

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As horrible as this fact is, abusive husbands rarely get cheated on and are very rarely a plan B, their wives wouldn't even consider it most of the time.
Have no idea where you are coming from on this ... and for the record, I know quite a few women who have cheated on their physically or emotionally abusive husbands.
 

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As horrible as this fact is, abusive husbands rarely get cheated on and are very rarely a plan B, their wives wouldn't even consider it most of the time.
I'd like to know where you get your facts from.

Or does it just "seem to make sense to you" that abused wives would be intimidated into loyalty and devotion?
 

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Why is there an abuse discussion going on--or did I miss something??????

Let her go, as you stated---she is gonna find out when reality hits her---that screwed up, big time

This guy, as he gets older, won't be able to perform at all for her, then what does she do for intimacy-----plis he will grow old very fast right in front of her----with him, her future, isn't very bright---so what is it, does she have a mother theresa complex

You need to just stay with your game plan, but put REALITY SQUARELY IN FRONT OF HER

As of now you go dark on her---and she is to as of RIGHT NOW---start paying half of each and every bill the marital family has to pay-----includung---house, car, all insurances, necessities of life---cut off her CC's---and put all monies in an acct., with only your name on it

If she doesn't work---tell her she needs to get a job.

She needs to see what reality is really like, maybe that will wake her up
 

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Well it's been a while since I posted here. Thought typing something might give me a little personal therapy.

My wife has been in a EA for about 4 months. I investigated enough to know for sure what was going on. Then early January I filed for a divorce. We're still in the same house. I suggested many times that we should do some counseling and that if she would consider working on our marriage that I would stall the divorce proceedings. So far no progress.

I asked her again today if she was ready to work on our marriage. She said she doesn't know what to do. She loves this other man and she loves me. She says I need to continue with the divorce because I don't deserve to live like this. I know they have kissed and still do. I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if they have gone any farther. I said if they have that would make my decision much easier. She said no, but they have talked about it. He says as long as we are still married, he won't do any more. How commendable! This OM is a quadriplegic. Has limited use of his hands and arms. She says his private parts don't work. I don't know if this is true. So any additional physical intimacy between them is limited to mostly oral.

It is tough for me to think that 1) she is willing to give me and our family up for the emotional intimacy this man is providing and 2) she is willing to give up a physically and sexually healthy husband for a new man with limited ability to physically satisfy. Did I mention he is 10 years older than me? And 18 years older than my wife. Talk about a low blow to my ego!

I read the other day a thread by Imadeamistake titled "Read my story before leaving." I thought it was very well written. I printed it out and left it my wife's car today. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but it might get her thinking.

What about the idea of me visiting the OM? I know where he lives. I would like to make it very clear to him that he is instrumental in breaking up a marriage and family that in my mind is not "divorce worthy." Although this could push my wife further away at least in the short term.

Also, I haven't talked to her family at all about what is going on. They know I filed for a divorce, but they don't know the details. They have the attitude that their daughter/sister has been unhappy for a long time in her marriage and if this is what she needs to do to be happy, then they will support her. What she and her family don't want to admit is that getting rid of her husband is probably not going to improve the happiness factor. What saddens me is that the adage "love must be tough" needs to be applied here by all involved parties to get to the underlying problems. And I don't think that is going to happen by anyone but me.

I am sincere when I say I am willing to forgive my wife for past mistakes, (posted in previous threads) but this EA/mildPA is where I draw the line. Thus the divorce filing.

As it is with so many marriages, my spouse has many fine qualities, a few not so good attributes, and some issues that are totally unacceptable in any marriage. Maybe if my wife reads the thread I printed out for her we can change the current course of action before, as Billy Squire would say "another one bites the dust." Any thoughts?
I think you want to save this marriage. What have you done toward that end? Have you exposed their affair? Is this a workplace affair?
 

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There appear to be many WS's who are too cowardly to do many things. They can't honor their vows. They can't tell the truth. They can't make a decision that would cast them in a bad light.

Your W is wringing her hands because she 'loves two people'? No, she doesn't want to look or feel like a bad person. She's too afraid to admit what she is and what she's done.

I think you should just divorce her. And then make sure everyone knows the truth so that she looks as bad as she is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Regarding the "mother theresa" complex, I'm not sure what that means exactly, but if it's kind of like having deep empathy for someone less fortunate, yes she's got that.

She met this OM at her work at a retirement home. She was working there full time then chose to go to half time since a full time schedule made things tough to be a wife, mother of 3 and a WS all at once. If we divorce, I don't know how her income reduction will be viewed with regard to support. I have a full time job that pays about 15% more than what her full time job paid. Fortunately my job fits very well with the kids' needs and schedule.

I now realize I need to quit suggesting counseling and quit trying to pull her back into the marriage. Work on myself and hope for some favorable outcomes if the divorce comes to fruition.
 

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I now realize I need to quit suggesting counseling and quit trying to pull her back into the marriage. Work on myself and hope for some favorable outcomes if the divorce comes to fruition.
Great. But you should also file for divorce while you're at it. Sitting around waiting for your wife to make a move isn't helping you either.
 
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