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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
So my wife of almost 10 years (Feb) has told me she's done and does not want to have anything to do with me at all. We have 3 kids 4, 8, 12. The 12 year old is not biologically mine, but I am dad as his sperm donor has not been in the picture since before he was 2. We were all set up for me to adopt him in Nov.

Things weren’t great from the beginning. We have very different backgrounds. Mine a religious conservative upbringing. Hers a broken family and she “experienced life” a bit more than I did, meaning she was out on her own quite a bit more than I and she used drugs casually. I’ve never even smoked mj. She was my bartender.

I can look back and see that a particular unresolved incident is the root of most of our problems. About 6 months before we married, we were living in an apartment. Her brother was staying with us for a couple months. Her sister (who was throwing her marriage with 2 kids away at that time) and kids were over a lot. I felt a bit overwhelmed with all of them and a bit “left out”. I began getting suspicious of some things going on in my household and I was very protective of my new “son”. I put a recorder on my phone line to see what if anything was going on. Sure enough, I caught a recording of my soon to be wife talking to someone about her brother receiving some drug late that night, and that he could score some stuff for our wedding in about 6 months. She had agreed to give up any drug use, and was talking about a one time thing. Anyway, I caught the pack of cigs whatever it was being delivered in the morning and confronted the brother about it, who was sorry, etc. Most importantly, I confronted her as to whether she knew anything about it and she straight up lied. I didn’t deal with it for fear of having to bring up me recording the phones. A short time later, she discovered the recorder and her trust in me went out the window. Over the years, I’ve brought up the incident, but she’s never admitted to the lie. I’ve apologized for what I did, whether I was right or wrong.

Fast forward through 10 years, we’ve had trust and closeness issues. Shes always felt that I haven’t shown interest in her, trust in her and a general laziness. And she’s been right. Theres been some times that I’ve shown a lack of trust in her with some things I’ve done, and I made some really bad mistakes that hurt her and didn’t show respect for her and our marriage. For example, I was out of shape and she was in good shape. I am much more lax and she is always doing something. One of the most regrettable is that for years, I would fall asleep on the couch and not with her.

For me, I’ve always felt like the 3rd class citizen with her, behind the kids and the rest of her family. I’ve always felt left out, and not respected. In my line of business, I make very good money in a short amount of time and we live reasonably well, but I’ve never felt like she has ever shown me respect for that. When I tried to clean the house or do something for her, I never seemed to meet her approval, so anything I did felt pointless. I didn’t think going to bed with her was that important, and in fact did so sometimes out of spite for the way she was making me feel. The lack of trust from that first incident seems to have threads running through all these issues.

After a couple more kids, the past few years have gotten really intense with fights and especially with things she’s said to me. We tried counseling a couple times but it didn’t stick. Some things did get better, like me sleeping in the bed most of the time, but every time we had some big blow up, I or she would change a little bit for a little while, but would revert. There have been a couple of physical incidents, 3 on her end and one on mine. The worst of which was her screwing up my ear with a punch to it. She also started using the D word every argument, even threatening the 10 year rule (might be a CA thing) about 1 year ago.

However, starting in June of last year, we really started arguing less and all summer long and into September had many conversations about not wanting divorce, how she would say that just to get a rise out of me, and planning on really focusing on our marriage and some intense counseling and church involvement come November (my line of work required me almost 7 days a week and being out of town toward the end of Sept through the beginning of Nov). We even and a wonderful weekend and conversations on a weekend in the middle of October.

Two days after I got back is when I got the “I’m done and don’t want to do anything about it”. And I’ve been in the guest room and in hell ever since. I went straight into counseling (as we had planned) and really made the decision to change how I did things around the house and for myself (I lost 50 pounds in 2 months working out almost every day). She went to about 3 counseling sessions, walking out on the 3rd because she didn’t like what the pastor had to say. I think she just wants someone who will agree with her. She has seemed like she has been on the fence over it at times, but has kept it up.

It got worse in the beginning of December when I found out there’s another guy involved. She has stayed overnight at his house 4 or 5 times. Hes a scumbag from the gym. I discovered it accidentally as I ran into him one night at a bar and he started crude talk about someone who sounded like my wife. It wasn’t hard finding his name and looking him up on the internet. One night my wife left the house to “go to her sisters” and sure enough, her car was in his driveway when I drove to his house. My pastor had me hold off on confronting her for about a week and a half. Finally, after one full night and one weekend of her staying with this guy, I had to drop the hammer. She lied until I named the guy and his address. Then she went from saying that there was nothing wrong with it to “it is an affair” (she is denying that they have had sex). Shes now back to hes just a friend and there’s nothing wrong with it. She has done nothing but lie about it to everyone. Christmas was horrible. I have given her ample opportunity to change this but she spent the night with him last Saturday night. I have turned a bit of a corner in that I have changed my stance from being the husband who is trying to show her I’m changed to the husband who has made an internal change, but will not be walked on anymore.

I’m just heartbroken though, between my kids telling me they don’t want mom and dad to split up (she has been selfishly talking to them behind my back about divorce and subtly blaming me) and the loss of something that is totally fixable. Believe it or not, I still want to try to fix things, though I know I cant guarantee that I will forgive her or want her back now or in the future. But I know it is right for me to try. The other factor though is that she could very well be playing me to get past our 10 year before filing the divorce, plus I’m at the point where I cant have any self respect anymore and continue to put up with her behavior. I think I’m going to file a separation in the next day or two.

I know this is long, so I’ll end it. Any advice, thoughts and prayers would be appreciated. I feel a tiny bit better being able to air this out, but I am devastated inside at the prospect of this absolute nightmare.

Thanks
 

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I don't know if you have a chance or it's too far gone. I think you'll get better advice from others who have walked in your shoes if you post in the infidelity area of the site. Post your story there. Good luck.
 

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Blue,

By now you should have realized that it is more than likely that her cheating started long before she told you she was "done" and probably happened beginning of last year.

Since you may want to R, the rest of this will sound counter-intuitive - File for divorce...NOW

Right now yoyr wife is living in the fog of the affair. When she's with her OM she's not worried about kids, laundry, making meals etc. She's completely removed from all the stresses of every day life.

Read up in the infidelity section. They'll tell you to expose her affair to everyone and to expose the other man too. Does she go to his gym? Does he work at the gym? If he does, make sure the owner knows that he is breaking up someone's marriage

Good luck!
 
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