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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
After 11 years of marriage i found out my wife had been cheating for the past 2 months and when i confronted her she said it was a mistake and for the past 10 years, after the birth of our second child, she has felt that she has never fit in as a wife and mother. I want to work things out but she says she doesn't know what she wants and has to think about if she wants to stay. She says she wants to get help but hasn't even started looking for a therapist and it's been just over a week.
Background information....She has been working 3rd shift for the past 10 years (she likes 3rd shift) so there is someone home all the time for our kids. Now she can not change shifts as she needs to be off during the day 3 days a week to help her sick mother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
no, and it's worse, we used to have weekends but she has been working a lot of overtime and now works 12 hours a day 5 days a week and then works 8 hours on the 6th day and we only see each other 1 day a week. As far as i know, she does not have a choice about the overtime.
 

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First you should put your post in the infidelity area.

There you will get advice from those who are experienced and have walked in your shoes

Do you know who the OM is?

Is she still in contact with him?
 

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no, and it's worse, we used to have weekends but she has been working a lot of overtime and now works 12 hours a day 5 days a week and then works 8 hours on the 6th day and we only see each other 1 day a week. As far as i know, she does not have a choice about the overtime.
I throw the challenge flag. Anytime I hear people say they do not have a choice. Totally absurd. Of course she has a choice. If you live in wetern culture you have a choice.

She can change her job. If you marriage is #1 then jobs just flat do not matter. Basically she has put her job as the #1 priority. Poor choice IMO.

Trust me I am as much about my job as anyone. But she has destroyed her marriage with her choices.

There are other jobs that do not require her to do this.

What does she do for a living?

So her OM works with her. Then she quits her job tomorrow and goes full NC immediately. This must happen. No compromise.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
when i stated that she didn't have a choice, i meant that she didn't have a choice if she wants to keep this job. she has talked about finding another job but wants another 3rd shift job so she can be home for our kids when they go to school and when they come home
 

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how do i move the post?

I don't know him...she works with him
Just start another thread there.


If she works with him it's a problem. They can't be in contact. No amount of counselling or any effort on your part will work if she stays in contact with him.

Has it been exposed?
 

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when i stated that she didn't have a choice, i meant that she didn't have a choice if she wants to keep this job. she has talked about finding another job but wants another 3rd shift job so she can be home for our kids when they go to school and when they come home
Time for you to get out of this no win scenario my friend.

Time for her to put the marriage first. You guys really are not married. Seriously. Past basic needs children are best served to see their parents living in a loving relationship.

Her loving the 3rd shift has destroyed your marriage.
Why would you cater to this?

What does she do for a living?

Does she work with her OM? Ypou know the answer is yes. She likes the 3rd shift because she can live a spearate life form you and have her OM.

She must go NC with him immediately. It is your only chance if you want to save the marriage. Personally this would eb adeal breaker for me but if you want to salvage any of this you will insist she quits her job tonight.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
it doesn't matter what she does for a living and yes she works at the same place as the OM. I have told her that I want her to find a new job and that she will need to be home more often for our marriage to work. The problem is that she has not yet decided if she wants to stay married or not. 10 years is a long time to feel like you've never fit in
 

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Entropy is right, you have to take control quickly.

You must be willing to put it all on the line.

She either follows your rules or it's D.

Right now your letting her decide what's going to happen. Your trying to nice her out of it. It doesn't work.

She's got to give up that job to get away from her AP and to get back to a marriage where you both can spend time as husband and wife.
 

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OP I have not been in your shoes, but although I have never cheated I can understand what your wife says when she says that she never felt that she fit in as a wife and mother. It's the sense that alot of women have where even when we are told we are loved just the way we are that we ought to be doing more, being more anyway. At all times we must be thin, have the perfectly clean hme, and the most gracious kids, and feed our man, and keep our good looks, and be educated, and have no bad habits, be a good role model, be charitable, have a sense of humor, be wild in bed eyc etc etc. The woman will be her own harshest critic. And when something fails in a marriage she will wonder just what it is that she is doing wrong. What can she fix so this problem, whatever it is, will go away. Even if her family never complains the woman will unwisely look at other families who seem oh so perfect on the outside and draw comparisons to herself based on incomplete data. Really men do this too but we women seem to have a knack for it.

Now you've given very little to go on but I will go with what you said. She works third shift. And she likes it. I bet she feels guilty for liking it especially if you point this out as a problem. Then she thinks maybe it's for the best that she doesn't work third shift (so she can focus on you) only to discover her mother needs her. Now it's like she feels she's doing the best she can and you are pressuring her. She feels your dissatisfaction with her working third shift but it was precisely by taking third shift that she has been accomplishing what she has regarding the kids and her mother and also contributing to the household. So she has guilt, and resentment, and missing you and reconnecting with you seems to have been pushed down the food chain. If she were to quit third shift what changes would be necessary in your life?

The affair is on her. That's a very large betrayal of trust. You still seem to want to work it out so you'll have to find out why she feels that she doesn't fit anymore. If she's anything like me she'll have felt all those things I have mentioned at one point or other. If you decide to stay with her then you must be forewarned that everything is still equal in your marriage. You can't pull out the "you cheated on me" card when you think she's vulnerable to guilt. If she mentions that she needs something from you give it freely as much as you can. Otherwise what's the point in being married? Set boundaries, be firm and loving. Good luck!
 

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it doesn't matter what she does for a living and yes she works at the same place as the OM. I have told her that I want her to find a new job and that she will need to be home more often for our marriage to work. The problem is that she has not yet decided if she wants to stay married or not. 10 years is a long time to feel like you've never fit in
I asked because I thought it would help with advice for you, but you do not want to say. Ok fine. I was thinking it was IT or medical field but it must if you do not want to say what it is it must be something you feel people would think is inappropriate for a wife. But no matter you want to hold that info back.

But the important thing is she works with the OM.

I am amazed you have not insisted she never see him again. Period. It is the only way you can slavage anything. But even if you intend to divorce her, you should insist for you childrens sake that she quit this job.

Make her decide today. If she cannot decide today to quit her job there is nothing to think about. If you are not upset about her having another man then you have your own answer as well.
 

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it doesn't matter what she does for a living and yes she works at the same place as the OM. I have told her that I want her to find a new job and that she will need to be home more often for our marriage to work. The problem is that she has not yet decided if she wants to stay married or not. 10 years is a long time to feel like you've never fit in
That's because you haven't had a marriage for ten years.
Why? Because it was convenient?

Who else knows? Was it exposed at work?
 

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Her schedule sounds like she's a nurse or something similar. Are there places near where you live that she can find another job? Can she move to daytime?

How old are your children?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Fledgling seems to be hitting things correctly. If i pressure her to decide now, she will leave because she said she needs time to sort out her feelings. no one else at her work knows but the OM's wife knows...that is how i found out.
She asked me to give her 2 weeks to sort her feelings and she says she knows she needs to see a therapists
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
her only choice at this time would be to quit her job while she is looking for a new one and we can not afford that at this time. Our kids are 12 and 10. she is considering finding a new job but they aren't as available as they used to be
 

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I feel like I am giving you spectacularly awful advice. I know alot of these people have been what you have been through. I know that what they are saying probably worked for them. They are not WRONG in their advice but I will say this. They are not you and their spouses or exes are not yours. Right now you have been pole axed by the thought that you never knew that your wife felt out of place. That should be a red flag right there. Somewhere, somehow you two to became out of touch enough to not notice something major was going on. That's where the big breakdown came with your marriage. Her affair was a symptom of that.

She knows she needs therapy. You probably will too. And she is open to looking for other jobs. And she knows it was a mistake. You know about the affair. The OM significant other knows about it, too. I get the feeling she has been working third shift for far longer than this affair has been going on. Am I correct? I vehemently disagree with this thought that you have to act like you don't need her. You do. You love her. That is obvious. You won't say what she does because you are protecting her. That's not to say that you have to be needy. Rather you need to show her that she is valuable to you. That is quite different.

But in turn she has to do some follow through. You can be firn with her. Asking her to switch to another 3rd shift job as soon as possible is not unreasonable. And she seems open to that but she has to follow through. Also you would not be wrong to check in on her more often. Send flowers and watch the OM quiver in fear. Stake your claim. Much harder to hit on a woman when she is being showered with loving attention from her husband. :)

I don't know OP. Maybe I'm wrong or a hopeless romantic. Maybe since my life is a mess I want someone to make it to the other side. I just feel like you love her. I would hate to see harsh judgements and ultimatums get in the way of that. I hope you find a way to reconnect that isn't based on guilt and negative associations. Best of luck.
 
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