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Discussion Starter #1
Found out of Saturday my wife has fallen in love with another man, this hase been going on for 4 months.

I obviously am very upset by this we have been married for 19 years, been together 26 years and have 3 great grown up kids.

She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.

The reason for these options is that apprently the other man (she says) is unlikely to leave his wife and 3 younger kids, so my reaction to that is why is she seeing him? she swears blind that there relationship has not got to the full sexual intercourse point (strange given over 4 months).

Everytime I have tried to talk to her, she says I am grilling her and cornering her.

My sister told me to stop following her around and back off, and that might start to make her think, also for me to start taking some control over this, rather than her doing this.

Then last night I did exactly that, she left in the car and came back 5 mins later and explodes at me becuase I have caused an argument between her and him (so now I am fault for that too!!)

I think she is only still with me for money, apparently he has none has debts up to his eyeballs, and suffers with issues including depression - my response to this was, what a great catch she has there!!

I have gone to stay at my sisters for a few days to give me and her space, I have also started things rolling such as setting up a seperate bank acct, so all my money goes into that rather than the joint acct.

Unless anyone can say different is there any hope for us???
 

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Your sister is correct. Read up on the 180 and get Dobson's Love Must be Tough. If she wants space she needs to find it on her own. Go back to the home and tell her if she needs space to find her own place. The more you chase her the more she will pull away. Sounds like TOM is a piece of work, let her see what she is losing by letting her go.

Yes there is hope.
 

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Did she say how she met the OM ? and how did you find out ?
 

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she is in love with another man after only 4 months yea right. The kids are adults so there is not support issue there. So you need to cut her A## off. You are a perfect canindate for "the 180"
You need to stop talking to her, stop pursuing her, stop sending her texts, stop responding to her, and and all communication should be emotionless. Do not react to anything she says just play it cool. Start working on yourself, Cut her off except for what she needs in order to live. IE cancel credit cards, phones, if the car is only in your name take the keys. If she wants to be in love with someone else. Let him pay to deal with her.

I am being honest this is likely a lot longer than a 4 month A. She probably has been having sex with him starting 4 months ago. That's when most cheaters think that there even is an Affair even though there is an long or short term Emotional Affair leading up to a Physical Affair.
Just look up "the 180" there is a link in the CWI newbie section. I would also start looking for evidence. If you don't know where to start go to the link in my signature and peruse through that thread. If you have questions post in that thread or PM me and I will be glad to help.
 

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Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
 

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And start to protect and isolate your finances and assets from her. Remove her from your will, insurance, etc.

Learn how to detach from her. When you can see her with indifference, you can make clearer decisions.
 

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If you want sanity and peace in your life, do the 180.

If you want a chance of saving your marriage, do the 180.

Are you looking for a plan of action that will serve you in a positive way no matter if the marriage lives or dies? Do the 180.
 

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Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
yea sure setup another account. If she is a STAHM then all you are on the hook for is the money to buy food, pay for the house, whatever. If she has a job then you don't really have to give her access to a dime of your money.

You get your butt back into your house. She is the one that is cheating not you. That house is in your name. You go home. Stop acting like this is somehow your fault. The second she decided to go outside of your marriage to get attention or affection from another man. Is the second you became a betrayed spouse. Which means she screwed up and is using lies and false justifications to excuse her behavior.
 

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Your were right on spot to set up a seperate bank account. Although if you divorce it might still be considered half hers.

As far as no where to go, are all her relatives dead in the country, if not she has somewhere to go. Or hell, tell her to go to her MOM. I am sure he will put her up. But not before you tell the other BS.

Do not leave the house, make her leave.
 

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Found out of Saturday my wife has fallen in love with another man, this hase been going on for 4 months.

I obviously am very upset by this we have been married for 19 years, been together 26 years and have 3 great grown up kids.

She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.

The reason for these options is that apprently the other man (she says) is unlikely to leave his wife and 3 younger kids, so my reaction to that is why is she seeing him? she swears blind that there relationship has not got to the full sexual intercourse point (strange given over 4 months).

Everytime I have tried to talk to her, she says I am grilling her and cornering her.
Uh no. Respectfully, she doesn't get to dictate where you go from here. She cheated. She forfeited her rights to dictate terms. The ball is now in your court. You dictate the terms.

1. She dumps the OM NOW, No Contact, Period.

2. She leaves the home NOW while she tries to sort out her feelings.

3. You see a lawyer and file for divorce.

If you want her to come to her senses and have any chance of a reconciliation, then YOU have to take charge.
 

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Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
Her reaction is typical but keep in mind that she has stepped out on the marriage, not you. You should not be accepting of punishment for her bad behavior. She has no place to go? She should have thought of that before hand. Do not enable her by bowing to her needs. Now is a time to go against your instincts. Don't pursue her, don't dote on her, stand your ground and tell her if she wants to go, go. You are her husband, not plan B
 

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Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??
Do not leave your home. The burden is entirely on her to find a place to go. And the bank account thing? You have every right to secure your funds.

Always remember that this isn't your fault. She cheated. You did nothing wrong. Protect yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Thanks badblane

your right, I am so confused and hurt over this, I will read the 180 stuff, also so far the kids have not been told (which she does not want) should I tell them, or is this pushing her even further away?

Everything I hear from her says she would only stay for money, she even had the cheek to buy a new dress yesterday, when I told her why should bought that, she said it will look nice, and I would buy it for her (sweet smile, and quick kiss).

So that said it all for me. She is clever most of the conversation is done via email on here ipad (which I bought her just for a little present- mug I am).

Apprently this all started on a night out on the town with a couple of girlfriends from work, she exchanged cell phone numbers with him, so I feel very betrayed, espeically as this particually night the 3 of them did not get back home till 5am, what is even more annoying is that I out of the 3 other halfs was the one who after the initial explosion of anger calmed down the quickest.... how wrong I was!!!
 

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Thanks badblane

your right, I am so confused and hurt over this, I will read the 180 stuff, also so far the kids have not been told (which she does not want) should I tell them, or is this pushing her even further away?

Everything I hear from her says she would only stay for money, she even had the cheek to buy a new dress yesterday, when I told her why should bought that, she said it will look nice, and I would buy it for her (sweet smile, and quick kiss).

So that said it all for me. She is clever most of the conversation is done via email on here ipad (which I bought her just for a little present- mug I am).
After you have cancelled her credit cards and removed all her funds, take her Ipad and 'drop' it on some concrete.

Being a nice guy will not help your situation.
 

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Why worry about "pushing her away" at this point? She is walking all over you; buying a new dress; really? OMG!

The kids are probably going to find out anyway-and is usually the hardest thing to deal with when dealing with an infidelity issue. Your choice whether you want to tell them or not; but please do not be concerned about pushing her away if you do decide to tell them. She is already gone right now!
 

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Please take the great advice of all the posters above you have been given. No more mr. nice guy crap ! Its YOUR house. Throw her a$$ out pronto !! A married woman of 19 years going out partying till 5 am ?? I would have changed the damn locks on her !! Complete 180 immediately and let the broke OM pay for her cheating a$$ !!!
 
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