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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
yesterday, my wife revealed to me that she slept with her ex 4 months before she and I officially became a couple...

I know: not another wife reveals thread. But this one has a distinction - I don't really care. She was the one who initially insisted on full disclosure from the very beginning on day 1. I went along because I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't a philanderer (2 years abstaining for me prior to her). She told me that it had been a year and a half since she was with him (on again off again ex). But truthfully i was not at all interested in any of these 'stats'. I remember thinking this ridiculous, no one that beautiful and sensuous with the world as her oyster would go without that long (i had my own reasons for abstaining). I told her that though impressed at her fortitude it made little difference to me and filed it away.

A year later, she confessed, that 5 mos before we started dating, to having blacked out when a guy friend walked her home and to this day can't remember details but is certain they had sex. What initially upset me about that revelation is that she told me this after interrogating me about an ONS i had already disclosed (she wanted additional details, in fact all of them) and then dropped her bomb on me when we were 20 minutes away from he parent's summer cottage where I was to meet the entire family for the first time. During a private moment, she became defensive. I distinctly remember being annoyed at her games and impulsively said told her that she needed to have an sti test before i would be intimate with her again. Again, at this point, we had been together for close to a year and my request was completely ridiculous. Determined to prove her point, she had the test once back home and handed me the printout before we proceeded to, well you know....

Over the years she has made unsolicited little comments determined to down play her past. Again, I know her and I understand human nature well enough to see through it, but being absolutely in love with her, I always played along. Overtime, I have come to playfully refer to these trysts as her "hottie girl stories" and have regularly commented on how grateful I am of her passion for life and her sexuality as a woman...

Yesterday, while out shopping she let slip that her previous boyfriend visited her a few days before her 'black out" story. I figured after all these years together, I was well within my right to graduate from 'playing along' and asked her to clarify. She did and so I pointed out that my understanding from previous chats was that the last time she was with him was the summer prior to our dating and 'maybe' 5 months, therefore, she was last with her ex 5 months before us, not the 12 she previously asserted.

Again, to me it didn't matter. In fact, when I first met her, I expected there were 10 times the number of guys I would have to fight off in the arena before I could claim her heart, so one on again off again boyfriend of 4 years fell well short of what I had initially anticipated...

But for some crazy reason, her revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and triggered a massive panic attack. I couldn't sleep, I could hardly keep food down. I ended up popping a xanax and stayed in bed the entire next day.

WHAT
THE
HELL....

So here I am trying to rationalize this reaction. Maybe it is because, yes it was 17 years ago (ancient history) but there were 17 times 365 chances to bring it up. Maybe it is her double standard. Maybe it is that i have gotten too comfortable in our marriage (but isn't that a good thing?) and reopening this after seeing her give birth to our children, numerous anniversaries, and infinite moments, imagining her (okay seeing her in my mind's eye) sleep with him (who am i kidding - kcuf him) in our old bed in her old room just hits harder now.

She could see that I was clearly upset (inspite of my efforts - again, i felt embarrassed i was upset in the first place) and we went a couple of rounds. Her point was that she didn't want me to think she was a **** and that given the way I had abstained for almost 2 years, she wanted to be in the ballpark along side my 'mr perfect' (her words) self control.

Okay, that hurt...

Though I had previously told her I was a victim of csa at a very early age, because I was able to heal and develop mostly normal, I heretofore had spared her the gory details. What she didn't know was that my stint as a monk was a bucket list challenge stemming from my personal healing process and how/why I was able to do that...

I guess when I started writing this, I intended to include a question but somehow seemed to have answered it myself as part of the writing process.

Thank you for reading. Comments very much appreciated!!!
 

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yesterday, my wife revealed to me that she slept with her ex 4 months before she and I officially became a couple...

I know: not another wife reveals thread. But this one has a distinction - I don't really care. She was the one who initially insisted on full disclosure from the very beginning. I went along because I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't a philanderer (2 years abstaining for me prior to her) but truthfully i was not at all interested in any of this. She told me that it had been a year and a half since she was with him (on again off again ex). I remember thinking this ridiculous, no one that beautiful and sensuous with the world as her oyster would go without that long (i had my own reasons for abstaining). I told her that though impressed at her fortitude it made little difference to me and filed it away.

A year later, she confessed that 5 mos before we started dating, to having blacked out when a guy friend walked her home and to this day can't remember details but is certain they had sex. What initially upset me about that revelation is that she told me this after interrogating me about an ONS i had already disclosed (she wanted additional details in fact all of them) and then dropped her bomb on me when we were 20 minutes away from he parent's summer cottage where I was to meet the entire family for the first time. During a private moment, she became defensive. I distinctly remember being annoyed at her games and impulsively said told her that she needed to have an sti test before i would be intimate with her again. Again, at this point, we had been together for close to a year and my request was completely ridiculous. Determined to prove her point, she had the test once back home and handed me the printout before we proceeded to, well you know....

Over the years she has made unsolicited little comments determined to down play her past. Again, I know her and I understand human nature well enough to see through it, but being absolutely in love with her, I always played along. Overtime, I have come to playfully refer to these trysts as her "hottie girl stories" and have regularly commented on how grateful I am of her passion for life and her sexuality as a woman...

Yesterday, while out shopping she let slip that her previous boyfriend visited her a few days before her 'black out" story. I figured after all these years together, I was well within my right to graduate from 'playing along' and asked her to clarify. She did and so I pointed out that my understanding from previous chats was that the last time she was with him was the summer prior to our dating and 'maybe' 5 months, therefore, she was last with her ex 5 months before us, not the 12 she previously asserted.

Again, to me it didn't matter. In fact, when I first met her, I expected there were 10 times the number of guys I would have to fight off in the arena before I could claim her heart, so one on again off again boyfriend of 4 years fell well short of what I had initially anticipated...

But for some crazy reason, her revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and triggered a massive panic attack. I couldn't sleep, I could hardly keep food down. I ended up popping a xanax and stayed in bed the entire next day.

WHAT
THE
HELL....

So here I am trying to rationalize this reaction. Maybe it is because, yes it was 17 years ago (ancient history) but there were 17 times 365 chances to bring it up. Maybe it is her double standard. Maybe it is that i have gotten too comfortable in our marriage (but isn't that a good thing?) and reopening this after seeing her give birth to our children, numerous anniversaries, and infinite moments, imagining her (okay seeing her in my mind's eye) sleep with him (who am i kidding - kcuf him) in our old bed in her old room just hits harder now.

She could see that I was clearly upset (inspite of my efforts - again, i felt embarrassed i was upset in the first place) and we went a couple of rounds. Her point was that she didn't want me to think she was a **** and that given the way I had abstained for almost 2 years, she wanted to be in the ballpark along side my 'mr perfect' self control.

Okay, that hurt...

Though I had previously told her I was a victim of csa at a very early age, because I was able to heal and develop mostly normal, I heretofore had spared her the gory details. What she didn't know was that my stint as a monk was a bucket list challenge stemming from my personal healing process and how/why I was able to to that...

I guess when I started writing this, I intended to include a question but somehow seemed to have answered it myself as part of the writing process.

Thank you for reading. Comments very much appreciated!!!
Well, I'm not sure what to say here.

It happened before you two became an official couple. So I'm not sure why it matters. Yea, she said she disclosed and wanted you to disclose. She kept this one bit of info back because she had trouble handling it apparently.

Your reaction seems way over the top.
 

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All the other issues aside, it was 4 (or was it 5?) months before you committed to each other as a couple. It was before, not after. Why does it really matter? What am I missing here?
Honesty. It's the least he deserves, he bared his soul wrt the childhood CSA. She could have, and should have been honest sooner.

Cheers,
V(13)
 

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Look while you can't change the past you can tell her that just to ensure she knows exactly what she was doing....and you absolutely have the right to tell her she that...does she think there should be no recourse...the hell with that. And when she says that hurt tell her that her deceit hurts far more and longer
 

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yesterday, my wife revealed to me that she slept with her ex 4 months before she and I officially became a couple...

I know: not another wife reveals thread. But this one has a distinction - I don't really care. She was the one who initially insisted on full disclosure from the very beginning. I went along because I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't a philanderer (2 years abstaining for me prior to her) but truthfully i was not at all interested in any of this. She told me that it had been a year and a half since she was with him (on again off again ex). I remember thinking this ridiculous, no one that beautiful and sensuous with the world as her oyster would go without that long (i had my own reasons for abstaining). I told her that though impressed at her fortitude it made little difference to me and filed it away.

A year later, she confessed that 5 mos before we started dating, to having blacked out when a guy friend walked her home and to this day can't remember details but is certain they had sex. What initially upset me about that revelation is that she told me this after interrogating me about an ONS i had already disclosed (she wanted additional details in fact all of them) and then dropped her bomb on me when we were 20 minutes away from he parent's summer cottage where I was to meet the entire family for the first time. During a private moment, she became defensive. I distinctly remember being annoyed at her games and impulsively said told her that she needed to have an sti test before i would be intimate with her again. Again, at this point, we had been together for close to a year and my request was completely ridiculous. Determined to prove her point, she had the test once back home and handed me the printout before we proceeded to, well you know....

Over the years she has made unsolicited little comments determined to down play her past. Again, I know her and I understand human nature well enough to see through it, but being absolutely in love with her, I always played along. Overtime, I have come to playfully refer to these trysts as her "hottie girl stories" and have regularly commented on how grateful I am of her passion for life and her sexuality as a woman...

Yesterday, while out shopping she let slip that her previous boyfriend visited her a few days before her 'black out" story. I figured after all these years together, I was well within my right to graduate from 'playing along' and asked her to clarify. She did and so I pointed out that my understanding from previous chats was that the last time she was with him was the summer prior to our dating and 'maybe' 5 months, therefore, she was last with her ex 5 months before us, not the 12 she previously asserted.

Again, to me it didn't matter. In fact, when I first met her, I expected there were 10 times the number of guys I would have to fight off in the arena before I could claim her heart, so one on again off again boyfriend of 4 years fell well short of what I had initially anticipated...

But for some crazy reason, her revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and triggered a massive panic attack. I couldn't sleep, I could hardly keep food down. I ended up popping a xanax and stayed in bed the entire next day.

WHAT
THE
HELL....

So here I am trying to rationalize this reaction. Maybe it is because, yes it was 17 years ago (ancient history) but there were 17 times 365 chances to bring it up. Maybe it is her double standard. Maybe it is that i have gotten too comfortable in our marriage (but isn't that a good thing?) and reopening this after seeing her give birth to our children, numerous anniversaries, and infinite moments, imagining her (okay seeing her in my mind's eye) sleep with him (who am i kidding - kcuf him) in our old bed in her old room just hits harder now.

She could see that I was clearly upset (inspite of my efforts - again, i felt embarrassed i was upset in the first place) and we went a couple of rounds. Her point was that she didn't want me to think she was a **** and that given the way I had abstained for almost 2 years, she wanted to be in the ballpark along side my 'mr perfect' self control.

Okay, that hurt...

Though I had previously told her I was a victim of csa at a very early age, because I was able to heal and develop mostly normal, I heretofore had spared her the gory details. What she didn't know was that my stint as a monk was a bucket list challenge stemming from my personal healing process and how/why I was able to to that...

I guess when I started writing this, I intended to include a question but somehow seemed to have answered it myself as part of the writing process.

Thank you for reading. Comments very much appreciated!!!
Maybe your panic attack is not about the cheating or really NOT CHEATING since you make it sound like this was before you were official so I don't even see it as such, maybe it is because she keeps telling you about stuff she is hiding. That would worry me, like what other revelation is there. I am not sure why this was disclosed as if you weren't official it's not cheating. Hope she is not testing the waters.

Here is the thing most people have a sex life before you meet them or even before they agree to be exclusive. That is normal in today's society and you really have no right to be upset about it. I don't know why people even talk about this stuff, I mean I might ask are there any sex video's in your past that will show up.

I am trying to understand your post. Are you religious and you both said you were abstaining but she didn't? I don't get why you not having sex when you were not committed is a big deal. Now maybe you are saying that she lied to you and told you she didn't have sex before that. If that is the case than that is a red flag as she is dishonest and you have a right to be upset about the lie, but then it's the lie you are upset about and deal with that. It's not the sex part.

At the end of the day I think you guys need to talk about it.
 
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Honesty. It's the least he deserves, he bared his soul wrt the childhood CSA. She could have, and should have been honest sooner.

Cheers,
V(13)
Yes agreed honesty is absolutely important however something like this should not matter to begin with. It seems to me she held this back from the jump because he was judgemental about her past. I think she was being completely honest when she said she didn't want to come across as a **** considering he had abstained for 2 years. And all the little jokes about her trysts and her downplaying, that was supposed to make her feel comfortable sharing? OP's been making her feel guilty about stuff that shouldn't matter.

I agree, OP's response is an overreaction.
 

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Yes agreed honesty is absolutely important however something like this should not matter to begin with. It seems to me she held this back from the jump because he was judgemental about her past. I think she was being completely honest when she said she didn't want to come across as a **** considering he had abstained for 2 years. And all the little jokes about her trysts and her downplaying, that was supposed to make her feel comfortable sharing? OP's been making her feel guilty about stuff that shouldn't matter.

I agree, OP is overacting.
If they were 3 years married I'd agree. They are not. He knew in his gut all along but hearing it from her is different. The playful jokes were invitations from him to be honest if I am reading right (and OP can clarify). It's one thing to suspect for a long time, it's another to finally hear it from the horses mouth, as it were. I'd like to hear the from the OP on this.

Cheers,
V(13)
 

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If they were 3 years married I'd agree. They are not. He knew in his gut all along but hearing it from her is different. The playful jokes were invitations from him to be honest if I am reading right (and OP can clarify). It's one thing to suspect for a long time, it's another to finally hear it from the horses mouth, as it were. I'd like to hear the from the OP on this.

Cheers,
V(13)
I went back and reread OPs story to try to see it from your point of view. True, I see how the extended period of dishonesty is the problem and not necessarily her past. I see that OP pointed out she insisted on full disclosure in the beginning when he didn't care to know about her past, and that may actually have been what set off this issue which has spanned 17years. For whatever reason Mrs. OP felt guilty about her past to begin with and that may have been exacerbated by the OPs 2-year abstinence.

I don't see any evidence that there is reason to doubt Mrs. OPs admission of embarrassment about her past. I agree that this calls for a serious conversation on honesty and the impact of unnecessary trickle truths and lies. A good opportunity for a learning lesson for the marriage. I also think this is a good opportunity for OP to try to get to the bottom of his wife's shame of her past. Yes OP has been slighted here but now he's best positioned to figure out the underlying issue and put an end to it and any possibility of it popping again in the future.
 

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I do not see the problem. I had sex with about 25 girls right up to the time my wife and I got engaged. What did you want, a woman used but almost like new? As long as she did not cheat on you when you started your relationship, it does not matter. I have not heard the word philanderer since in 55 years. Did not even know anyone still uses it. Do not judge others by your morality. If it is so good why do married couples have a 50/50 chance of divorcing. Why do 70% of men and 50-60% of women cheat. My signature below says it all.

You can look at your big problem a different way, she had sex with her ex but she chose you. You won, he lost. Did you actually abstain from sex for 2 years? I never met an adult that did that. That fact tells all about your views on sex which some would call old fashioned and I would know because I am old. :) All kidding aside, your won dude, not worry, be happy.
 
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What would disturb me were I in your shoes, is that she pushed for a conversation disclosing all then lied to you during the conversation she wanted to have. That's what would really freak me out and make me question everything she's said and done all the time you've been together and, yes, pop a xanax!

The fact that she slept with him 4 months (or whenever) before you were a couple is, like, so what? But the fact that she brought the subject up and then lied about it? That's just really weird. And concerning.
 

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OP, I personally understand your reaction. This deceit understandably makes you feel insecure about your relationship because such deceit always begs the question, "what else is she lying about?" The interrogating about the ONS stands out to me. Spouses who are guilty of lying/infidelity in a relationship are usually paranoid that the other spouse is doing the same. It's called projection. I wonder if that is not why she interrogated you about the ONS. Maybe she is not telling you the whole truth about her last sexual encounter being only 5 months before you started dating.

If you two had agreed that you did not want to delve into each other's past relationships I would understand the leave-the-past-alone sentiment expressed here. From reading your post, I don't think that was the case since you told her about your CSA and all. You agreed on telling each other about that. If she didn't want to tell you about hers she should have said so instead of lying. If she thinks you will be judgemental then that points to a fundamental distrust towards you. And if she deosn't trust you to be mature about it, why is she getting into a relationship with you? Like it or not, a persons past is part of who they are. Sometimes we are ashamed of what we have done. True. But I don't agree with keeping someone in the dark about it who truly wants to know. If you don't want to tell, say so. The two of you can decide if the relationship should continue. "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" Amos 3:3

The thing about this past doesn't matter is that it does matter. Old demons seldom ever just disappear merely because we will them to. And identifying said demons makes them easier to deal with when two people have to live together.

Also, it seems like she is trickle-truthing you. Giving you little by little until she is ready to drop the bomb on you. I have a feeling it ain't gonna be a small bomb, friend.

If you mean what you said about not wanting to hold her past against her then express it as best you can. You two are already long married so I think you should make the relationship work. Show her that she will not be condemned for things she did back then. That she is in a safe place where she can trust you to love her despite the things she has done that she is ashamed of. This is true oneness; to be fully known yet fully accepted.

Godspeed, OP.
 

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Yes agreed honesty is absolutely important however something like this should not matter to begin with. It seems to me she held this back from the jump because he was judgemental about her past. I think she was being completely honest when she said she didn't want to come across as a **** considering he had abstained for 2 years. And all the little jokes about her trysts and her downplaying, that was supposed to make her feel comfortable sharing? OP's been making her feel guilty about stuff that shouldn't matter.

I agree, OP's response is an overreaction.
Once again blaming the victim, so he made jokes so it's OK that she lied to him? He said he didn't care and she was the one who pushed for disclosure just to lie to him. She could have told him right there but then she would have lost the upper hand. An upper hand that he didn't even care about. He has a right to be upset about that.

I think she was being honest because she knew she would come off as at least a jerk for pushing him and then lying. Once again another person that has a lie of omission and then is upset when their spouse gets upset that they were keeping secrets.

And once again the person who is lied to comes on here is told to just shut up and get over it. Thanks that's great advice.

@EleGirl I am beginning to think that you don't really think honesty is important in a marriage as this is now the second time in a few days that you basically tell the one who has been lied to the being upset about it is over the top.

I will ask again when is it OK to lie or deliberately mislead and keep secrets from your spouse in marriage?

Another thing character doesn't often change without work. This shows some poor character.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Wow everyone!! thank you for the awesome replies!!!!

I see that I could have been clearer with my writing. I didn't think our respective pasts mattered. I only needed to look at my own progress on my path. We live, we soar, we fall, we grow, we become who we are. We live to tell....

But it did matter to her. Which, to be brutally objective, is somewhat ironic given that she was the one who held out.

1. "The playful jokes were invitations from him to be honest if I am reading right (and OP can clarify)"....

The playful 'jokes' were really lighthearted responses to her subsequent sharing. Reminiscing about days gone by and eventually this stuff comes up. Whatever. Rather than stigmatize the past (stories of her partying with friends, or having one too many drinks, sneaking into bars, - kid stuff) I would listen and came to refer to these tales as 'hottie girl stories'. Aside from my wife, she is also my best friend...

2. "For whatever reason Mrs. OP felt guilty about her past to begin with and that may have been exacerbated by the OPs 2-year abstinence.

Wow keke! Spot on!! I think, and for the life of me, I don't know why this never ever occurred to me before, all those years ago she probably wasn't expecting to hear me say, "oh yeah, two years this fall," and was caught completely off guard by this. Subsequently thinking to herself that she needed to ballpark me without stopping to think, WTF, what is up with the monk lifestyle?

3."And all the little jokes about her trysts and her downplaying, that was supposed to make her feel comfortable sharing? OP's been making her feel guilty about stuff that shouldn't matter. "

keke again! yes. I mean well. I always do. Never meant to judge anyone, especially the love of my life (it was love at first sight) but sometimes my sardonic humor can get the better of me, or at least come across that way!

4. "I don't get why you not having sex when you were not committed is a big deal."

sokillme, I wasn't sure either. we are somewhat religious, but i thought that she was trying to gauge if I was gonna 'play her'...

5."Your reaction seems way over the top." - elegirl

Yes. I completely agree!! And. I. Am. Not. Sure. Why.... Yet

6. v13 - thank you!!! i think that beyond the surprise (shock) at hearing me say "almost 2 years", what I did not share at that time was the why i was on the hiatus. You are right! But what I did not say at that time was that the reason why benched myself was in part because i working on myself, partially stemming from the csa. I had come out of a relation that made the Death Star explosion look like a puff of smoke and along the way i realized that i had to work on myself.


Again, thank you so much everyone for your thoughts!!! You guys are AWESOME - way way better than therapy!!
 

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The interrogating about the ONS stands out to me. Spouses who are guilty of lying/infidelity in a relationship are usually paranoid that the other spouse is doing the same. It's called projection. I wonder if that is not why she interrogated you about the ONS. Maybe she is not telling you the whole truth about her last sexual encounter being only 5 months before you started dating.
After reading these stories for about a year you see a pattern. This is right where my mind would go.
 

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Once again blaming the victim, so he made jokes so it's OK that she lied to him? He said he didn't care and she was the one who pushed for disclosure just to lie to him. She could have told him right there but then she would have lost the upper hand. An upper hand that he didn't even care about. He has a right to be upset about that.

I think she was being honest because she knew she would come off as at least a jerk for pushing him and then lying. Once again another person that has a lie of omission and then is upset when their spouse gets upset that they were keeping secrets.

And once again the person who is lied to comes on here is told to just shut up and get over it. Thanks that's great advice.

@EleGirl I am beginning to think that you don't really think honesty is important in a marriage as this is now the second time in a few days that you basically tell the one who has been lied to the being upset about it is over the top.

I will ask again when is it OK to lie or deliberately mislead and keep secrets from your spouse in marriage?

Another thing character doesn't often change without work. This shows some poor character.
I've revised my stance. See post #10. You are right, this whole issue started because she lied about a non-issue.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Yeah. I almost forgot. We, two weeks before she last saw the ex. I drove her home and spent the night at her place. Again, I had this promise to myself to abstain for an extended period of time which cut through the nights we spent at her place. She did NOT know about my commitment at the time and I was not comfortable sharing that with anyone.

Nothing physical happened, but there was chemistry - alot of it. I was so caught up memorized by her that it never dawned on me that a part of her felt seriously rejected by my lack of 'trying'. At the same time, I could see that she was ambivalent about sleeping with me because there was no commitment between us (she is not a fan of hook ups - as far i can tell). Ever see Vanilla Sky? The part when Cruise's and Cruz's go back to her place after his party. Nothing physical happens, but it is clear that they destined for love.

Over the years, revisionism kicked in and I came to view that night as the start of our relationship. So her revelation kinda mucked that up.
 
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