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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok - well, it's partially my fault - as I wrote thoughts on various aspects of our marriage, work and my life in my NOTES section of my ipad. It is my ipad and nobody else uses it.

Well, she asked to use the ipad when she was spending time with her mom in the hospital to look for Christmas gifts and I lent it to her.

Well, she indicated that she had wanted to take some notes and stumbled upon my notes on various topics and felt "betrayed" and/or "violoated".

What I wrote or kept track of:

- our fights, disagreements and her moods. Writing this out help me deal with them and not to be passive agressive. MOst of the time, its to take note on when she has issues with me (I didn't listen, I didn't do that, I didn't do this...I didn't hear her...etc.).

- my kids attending a paid for sport. We pay for 3 days a week for lessons and one of my kids routinely misses at least one day. When I brought this up, she said that it wasn't true and she only misses once in a while. So, I kept track.

- Sex lif. Yes, sadly, while embarrassing, I did keep track on how often we had sex. Seems she doesnt like to have it much anymore and I wanted to know how often we actually did it (about 2 x per month) given that she says we have it enough. I've only been tracking it since January. I miss the intimacy. 15 years ago - she used to complain that we didnt have it enough. Now apparently, I'm not good at it, nor have I ever been good at it. I'm open for suggestions from her on improving.

- I'm a hobbiest singer/songwriter and I had notes on partial songs written, a few about how she can get so upset for what seems like a trivial thing (e.g., her having to repeat herself if I didn't hear her or misunderstood her, or was lost in thought).

Yeah, I know you've probably heard this - but, I think of myself as a good husband. She doesn't have to work (I make a very good income), but she can if she so desires (she presently is a teachers' aid for 4 hours a day). I help out around the house (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping) and help get the kids up and out of the house for school etc. (4 kids, all in high school).

So, while I apologized for what she may have read, I said it was meant to be personal, and it wasn't shared with anyone, and was not to be shared with anyone - including her. And while I admit I should have password protected it, she had no right to read anything but the first page of what might have been left open. I said she was at fault for continuing to read it. I don't think I'm at fault.

She says "its over", and many other things. I said (this is all through texts by the way), look, I'm pissed that you read it, but lets chalk it up to a bad experience and move on.

She then started with a martyr routine "FIne - leave me. I don't care...take the kids, take the house, I will sign anything you want...I'll post on FB on what a horrible life you have" WTF? My life is not horrible. We have our problems (our relationship has been like a sine curve for the 20+ years we've been married).

What should I do?? Is she now feeling guity in realizing that she gets pissed off at me alot??
 

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Ok - well, it's partially my fault - as I wrote thoughts on various aspects of our marriage, work and my life in my NOTES section of my ipad. It is my ipad and nobody else uses it.

Well, she asked to use the ipad when she was spending time with her mom in the hospital to look for Christmas gifts and I lent it to her.

Well, she indicated that she had wanted to take some notes and stumbled upon my notes on various topics and felt "betrayed" and/or "violoated".

What I wrote or kept track of:

- our fights, disagreements and her moods. Writing this out help me deal with them and not to be passive agressive. MOst of the time, its to take note on when she has issues with me (I didn't listen, I didn't do that, I didn't do this...I didn't hear her...etc.).

- my kids attending a paid for sport. We pay for 3 days a week for lessons and one of my kids routinely misses at least one day. When I brought this up, she said that it wasn't true and she only misses once in a while. So, I kept track.

- Sex lif. Yes, sadly, while embarrassing, I did keep track on how often we had sex. Seems she doesnt like to have it much anymore and I wanted to know how often we actually did it (about 2 x per month) given that she says we have it enough. I've only been tracking it since January. I miss the intimacy. 15 years ago - she used to complain that we didnt have it enough. Now apparently, I'm not good at it, nor have I ever been good at it. I'm open for suggestions from her on improving.

- I'm a hobbiest singer/songwriter and I had notes on partial songs written, a few about how she can get so upset for what seems like a trivial thing (e.g., her having to repeat herself if I didn't hear her or misunderstood her, or was lost in thought).

Yeah, I know you've probably heard this - but, I think of myself as a good husband. She doesn't have to work (I make a very good income), but she can if she so desires (she presently is a teachers' aid for 4 hours a day). I help out around the house (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping) and help get the kids up and out of the house for school etc. (4 kids, all in high school).

So, while I apologized for what she may have read, I said it was meant to be personal, and it wasn't shared with anyone, and was not to be shared with anyone - including her. And while I admit I should have password protected it, she had no right to read anything but the first page of what might have been left open. I said she was at fault for continuing to read it. I don't think I'm at fault.

She says "its over", and many other things. I said (this is all through texts by the way), look, I'm pissed that you read it, but lets chalk it up to a bad experience and move on.

She then started with a martyr routine "FIne - leave me. I don't care...take the kids, take the house, I will sign anything you want...I'll post on FB on what a horrible life you have" WTF? My life is not horrible. We have our problems (our relationship has been like a sine curve for the 20+ years we've been married).

What should I do?? Is she now feeling guity in realizing that she gets pissed off at me alot??
Been there, done that. I can't keep a personal journal anymore. You know, I actually still did for awhile after he read it and blew up on me about some stuff I put in there, so what I did after that is start writing to him in my journal...since I knew he'd read it eventually anyway. But I tried to point out to him that I write in there when I'm conflicted and feeling bad about something and it is my way of working out my feelings, and I might not necessarily still feel the same way I did when I was writing it. He went on and on about what if the kids find it, what if something happens to us and we die and the journal is there for anyone to go through, blah blah blah. I just don't do it anymore. He can't get through his head that those were my feelings then.
 

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She can be angry, but you are right. Those are your private thoughts and she should be really thinking hard about what she was reading. She's too busy being offended to care that you actually have concerns about your marriage.

Let her cool off. Maybe you can approach her after a time and ask if she would like to talk about what she read and maybe come to some sort of understanding. This isn't about blaming each other, this is about you finding a place to express yourself because you have trouble expressing yourself to HER... and rightly so. She gets defensive and shuts down. She's doing it now and you haven't 'said' a word.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks DayDream...nice to know I am not alone. It's just frustrating. I think a good deal of the anger is perhaps guilt or embarrassment (as noted) in finding out how much she gets upset with things I do or say, or don't do or don't say. Sadly, I've only come to realize after all these years that I'm in a controlling relationship, though less so than back when we were first married.
 

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What should I do??
I would tell her ONE TIME, "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. My feelings are just that...MY feelings! I'm entitled to them as you are to yours. Sometimes I'm happy with you, sometimes I'm angry with you. Ditto for the kids. Ditto for myself.

Can I understand *WHY* you're upset? Yes, I can. Am I going to apologize for my feelings which are JUST as legitimate as YOURS? No! It is unfortunate that you read things about yourself that you do not like; I write when I am unhappy, discouraged, confused, trying to deal with/or figure things out. I write them down so I can mull them over in my own head, so I can decide OVERALL *HOW* I feel before I discuss things with you; I don't want to lash out when I'm angry in the moment.

Once you realized that what you were reading was PRIVATE, I wish you had stopped reading; it made YOU upset and made ME feel like I have to defend my own thoughts...which I have NO INTENTION of doing. Those were PRIVATE thoughts which I may or may not still agree with at any particular point in time."

Then DROP IT and let HER get over it (or sulk if she wants to, she's entitled to HER feelings, too). It is EXTREMELY unrealistic to believe that our S.O. ALWAYS thinks we walk on water.
 

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You have a right to your thoughts and feelings. Although transparency is important in a marriage, it's also important to have some privacy, and our thoughts are certainly the most private things we have. Not all of them *should* be shared, and you clearly understand that when you document them privately on your own computer that isn't intended to be used by others.

In the future, yes, you should password protect such documents.

Now that the deed is done, so to speak, you two will need to find a way to move past it. How will that happen? Hopefully it won't mean the entire relationship crashing down!

You might have to find a way to keep your diary more private.
She might have to find a way to cope with the idea that your thoughts aren't always rosy and glowing. If she's honest about it, neither are hers.

Her reaction seems to be that she's unhappy recognizing the effects of her own behaviors. You can adopt an empathetic role instead of an accusatory one to ensure the best chance for moving forward. If you defend the things you've written, she'll feel judged and get defensive most likely. I'd encourage you to refuse to engage on those things as part of the "read the diary" dialogues, and stick to topics related only to privacy until it passes. You can tell her that you understand that she's upset. You can reassure her that while you sometimes feel hurt or angry, you do love her.

As the pain diminishes, you may find that the hurtful subjects can be broached with more cooperation than before.
 

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Been there too!

Slight difference in my story is that I often wrote in my journal while I was sitting at kids practices and waiting on folks.

One of the big tussles in our marriage has been how my MIL has invaded our life for years now and always seems to be at our house (I'm talking typically 5 or 6 nights a week when I get home)

Well, she came across the journal one day (it was under the seat) and read it. Thing is, she doesn't know I know she read it! I found out when she'd left a pad of paper out on our dresser and I came home early one day to find only the following sentence written "I was in your truck the other day and came across your journal and read through it...."

I felt violated. I felt betrayed because I know she has journaled for years before I started to and whenever I came across hers, I put it down as soon as I realized what it was.

Too bad I didn't get the same consideration. During the period I journaled I was also going through a number of other issues that impacted me in a negative manner. Instead of taking it out on others, I committed it to paper as a form of pressure relief.

To this day, it is her secret. I added to the journal that she should feel free to read it and to come talk to me about anything in there but she still hasn't.

I switched to journaling in an email account I have that she doesn't have access to. Seems I still need somewhere to deal with my own issues
 

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Download an app that let's you password protect your journal. Don't cut off this outlet.

Now that it's in the open, though, work against her hurt feelings and resentment. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Take her to it. Hash this out. Be firm that you love her and want the marriage. Let her know that now us a good time to address problems that you both have been not talking about. She's privy to some of your concerns and venting and now she can vent to you, too.

Imagine how you'd feel if you had read her diary after a fight. Also hurt. Don't get defensive. Comfort and reassure her first. Then talk it through -- all of it.

From now on, guard your personal thoughts better (password) and recognize that you two have gotta improve communication a little so there is more problem solving and less isolated venting and resentment.

Thank goodness you were journaling and not saying these things to another woman. That's one the things my WH did. I was devastated that he let other women into his heart and pushed me out instead of communicating. In part, she is upset because she feels left out, I imagine.

Don't Give Up.
 

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Her reaction seems to be that she's unhappy recognizing the effects of her own behaviors. You can adopt an empathetic role instead of an accusatory one to ensure the best chance for moving forward. If you defend the things you've written, she'll feel judged and get defensive most likely. I'd encourage you to refuse to engage on those things as part of the "read the diary" dialogues, and stick to topics related only to privacy until it passes. You can tell her that you understand that she's upset. You can reassure her that while you sometimes feel hurt or angry, you do love her.
Could you expand a bit on this? Part of me thinks this is dead wrong, at least so far as these are his feelings. he has a right to them and absolutely should defend having them and writing them out to help deal with it. For her to feel defensive comes to close to manipulation to me.

On the other hand, I do agree it is likely not productive to get into an exchange on the specific facts that lead up to the feelings, at least not at this point.
 

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Journals are a place to keep your unadulterated, uncensored and OFTEN misguided thoughts (misguided because when you are writing them, you generally are at your rawest to the issue. You haven't had time to process it because...well writing in a journal DOES THAT LOL).

Your wife is the person who is in the wrong. She read your journal. I don't see a problem there. I'm a fan of transparency in a marriage. But when you're reading someone else's thoughts you have to be prepared for what you read.

Her response is telling. It SHOULD be, OMG, my husband isn't happy in our marriage (I'm simplifying), what can we do to fix this. Instead, you're WRONG for feeling what you're feeling. That's effed up. You need to sit down with your wife and I also advise counseling. You both obviously have some issues brewing inside. And they're not fixing themselves, they're getting worse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
We have had incredibly happy times in our marriage, but have also been at the door of divorce. She will not see a marriage counseler, or read self-help books. So, I've been on my own on how to deal with her.

She can be the kindest, sweetest woman, then the most maniputative and controlling person on the planet. She would used to use her anger to manipulate me, then I called her on it several years ago (about time) that she was effectively a "bully" (this is about the time when teenage bulling became center stage).

I just wish she would realize that neither of us is perfect and we're in this together to work out issues.

I used to be severaly passive agressive - seemed my only defense to someone who uses anger and who refuses counseling. But when I started writing things down, I stopped being passive agressive (which is really useless and just as bad as being the original agressor).
 

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I would tell her ONE TIME, "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. My feelings are just that...MY feelings! I'm entitled to them as you are to yours. Sometimes I'm happy with you, sometimes I'm angry with you. Ditto for the kids. Ditto for myself.

Can I understand *WHY* you're upset? Yes, I can. Am I going to apologize for my feelings which are JUST as legitimate as YOURS? No! It is unfortunate that you read things about yourself that you do not like; I write when I am unhappy, discouraged, confused, trying to deal with/or figure things out. I write them down so I can mull them over in my own head, so I can decide OVERALL *HOW* I feel before I discuss things with you; I don't want to lash out when I'm angry in the moment.

Once you realized that what you were reading was PRIVATE, I wish you had stopped reading; it made YOU upset and made ME feel like I have to defend my own thoughts...which I have NO INTENTION of doing. Those were PRIVATE thoughts which I may or may not still agree with at any particular point in time."

Then DROP IT and let HER get over it (or sulk if she wants to, she's entitled to HER feelings, too). It is EXTREMELY unrealistic to believe that our S.O. ALWAYS thinks we walk on water.
Great post.
 

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If I ever writhe ANYTHING like that in an electronic document, I secure it with a password that only I know. I think diaries are just a bad idea anyway though.

Sure, she shouldn't have read it. But few people could resist that temptation when it's staring them in the face.
 

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There's a fine line between transparency in a marriage, IMO, and invasion of privacy. Everyone is entitled to their private thoughts, and writing them down often helps us to clarify our thoughts.

Sometimes when I'm really angry, I will 'write' the person I'm angry with a very scathing letter - no holds barred, just getting it all out there. Having done so, I will read what I've written and then delete the letter. By that time I've got rid of my anger and am then able to approach the issue from a healthier, more logical and calm standpoint. You, yourself, found that writing things down helped you overcome passive aggressive behaviour, and I think this is a very positive thing for you to have done.

Your wife cannot expect to control your thoughts, and whilst she might be angry at what you had 'written,' they were simply your thoughts - to which you are fully entitled.

Also, OP, I would revisit the question of counseling, because whilst your wife is happy with sex twice a month you, quite understandably, are not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks for all the comments and verifying my thoughts.

I particularly like whoever said "...if i was reading this and found out that my spouse didn't like certain things, I would see what I could change."

That's what I would do if the shoe was on the other foot.

Anyway, I've tried sending her some texts to say lets get past this and trying to joke with her - but she hasn't answered.

Oh well, this too shall pass.

Thanks again everyone.
 

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Yeah, I know you've probably heard this - but, I think of myself as a good husband. She doesn't have to work (I make a very good income), but she can if she so desires (she presently is a teachers' aid for 4 hours a day). I help out around the house (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping) and help get the kids up and out of the house for school etc. (4 kids, all in high school).
Is that what you think makes a good husband?

Your wife is giving you a sh1t test right now, and you are failing it miserably :(

Strongly suggest you stop trying to fix her feelings and reactions to your journal. She's a big girl, she needs to solve her own problems. You don't need to constantly be reassuring her.

Suggest you stick to your convictions, stand up for your feelings ONCE, then happily move on with your life.
 

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IMO journals are generally off limits, and those kinds of private thoughts should not be held against you. That being said, if there are red flags for cheating, everything is on the table.

I had suspicions that my exW was cheating a couple years ago. Hadn't found TAM yet, so I didn't have much in my spy arsenal. After months of gut feelings, I found across her journal and read it. I learned that she was (at least) crushing on a guy at the gym. The last entry was about 3 mos prior, and it implied that she had met with him, along with a few other hurtful things about not wanting to be a wife/mother, etc. I hated that I had to read her journal, but I still felt I deserved the truth.

She tried to tell me it was all just a fantasy, to which I responded that nobody writes fiction in their journal. We went to counseling but basically rugswept. The counselor had the gall to tell me that what I had done was just as bad as what she had written. I laughed at that and told him I'd stop at nothing to find the truth when my family was at stake.

A little over a year later, marriage is in the sh!tter again, guess why?
 

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Thanks for all the comments and verifying my thoughts.

I particularly like whoever said "...if i was reading this and found out that my spouse didn't like certain things, I would see what I could change."

That's what I would do if the shoe was on the other foot.

Anyway, I've tried sending her some texts to say lets get past this and trying to joke with her - but she hasn't answered.

Oh well, this too shall pass.

Thanks again everyone.
:iagree:

That would be the reasonable thing to do. However, some people find it difficult admitting that they've done something wrong or need to change in some way.

I hope once your wife gets over her anger she starts to take stock of what she actually read.
 

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I think it will probably turn out to be a good thing that your wife read this.

She is pissed right now, but I think it will sink it that your journal is the truth. People don't see the negative things they do to the people close to them. They tend to minimize the extent of their actions.

We have sex plenty! I hardly ever complain! etc.

Reading it should help her realize where she needs to work on the relationship.
 
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