[C-man]

My wife sent me an email - that I guess was her form of an "apology". In other words, it wasn't an apology at all, merely a way to rationalize her infidelity.

Here is an excerpt: "I have had a lot of time to reflect on our situation in the last few weeks. What happened between us is very sad. I changed from the young, insecure, bewildered 23 year old into a more confident women with different needs. But somehow, those needs were not being met and I did irreparable damage by looking outside the marriage to satisfy those needs. Call it vanity, mid-life crisis, narcissism - I took the wrong path."


She goes on to say that she hopes IC will get us both to a better place emotionally. Of course she never actually apologizes for cheating and lying - she just says she is sorry - sorry for herself.

So her wrong path is the path to a better her - that is how she is looking at it. She is reading "Broken Open" and getting validation for her cheating because her cheating was a sign of her newfound confidence.


The sad thing is, when we married - she was a very confident, very together woman - young, but wise. As she aged, we DID grow apart (as most marriage do at one point) - kids, jobs, boredom.... I went through the same feelings of growing apart earlier in our marriage except I worked on rebuilding our relationship and my feelings for her. Now, my wife is deathly afraid of aging - DEATHLY afraid. She gets botox regularly, has had lipo, laser skin treatments, breast implants - and she was very good looking to begin with. Still is, but she looks a little plastic. So she is definitely NOT confident about her own self-image.

I think this talk of "growing" to become a "confident woman" is just "girl talk" - of how my wife's circle of single, unhappy, divorced women justify their betrayals. None of them are happy and they're all chasing younger guys (not too successfully either) in order to fight growing old. Chasing young guys at a club, all of whom would be happy to get into your pants ONCE is not a sign of confidence. Kind of pathetic, really.

 

[Shaggy]

Your wife's fears and the way she's dealt with them will make keeping her true hard. She'll start wanting and craving the validation that young guys attention will give her.

When a married woman feels so insecure to go under the knife for breast surgery, it never ever seems to be for the husband. He pays for them, and the wife begins using them to attract new guys.

They really should educate husbands about this during the lead up to the breast implants so he can either nix the idea or be properly on watch for the coming EA/PA

 

[C-man]

My wife got her breasts done when she was in the midst of an EA with a younger guy she met golfing (13 years younger). It morphed into a PA the following summer. BTW, my wife and I have always been independent, financially. She looked after her own boob job - although I helped nurse her back post-op. Honestly, I liked her breasts better before - they fit her petite frame better.

I discovered the EA 1 year later - but by then the PA was already over. My wife let me believe it was "just" an EA. We had several false R's because my wife had already emotionally detached. She never got it back. We separated last month and she FINALLY admitted to the PA (reluctantly, I should add). I can't forgive her for the deception and lies.

She is still in a fog, and when I recently contacted the POS OM, she actually defended him and went so far as to try to claim that she made up the part about the PA. This scumbag is now married with a 1 year old child. He cheated on his fiance (now his wife) with my wife in 2009/2010.

My wife is living in her own fantasy world, where she is a "confident" woman, looking for a younger man. I am no longer waiting for her to snap out of it. She is gone forever.

 

[FryFish]

I really hope you exposed the POSOM... His WIFE deserves the chance to decide if she wants stay married to a cheating piece of ****.

 

[C-man]

I really hope you exposed the POSOM... His WIFE deserves the chance to decide if she wants stay married to a cheating piece of ****.

Well, I did contact the POS two days ago with mixed results. Posted about it in another thread. Glad I did, just to let the POS know that I am on to him. If I see him on the golf course, I will have to resist the urge to drive a Pro-V1 right into his little nutsack.


Oh, for background, my wife is 48 but looks mid-thirties. The OM was 13 years younger. I am 53, but in good shape - people say I look mid-40's. Yeah, maybe through beer goggles. Late forties though. The best part of this whole deal is I have lost 16 pounds - so no more middle aged spread!!

 

[rrrbbbttt]

You need to let his wife know. As FryFish stated she has a right to know what she is married to. She may not want to accept it but she does need to know.

 

[hurthubby]

Cheaters always try to rationalize what they did, when i caught my wife she did something very simialar. Tried telling me it was out of bordem and she was curious.

 

[C-man]

Yes, my wife has gone through stages of rationalization.

When I first discovered what I thought was just an EA, my wife said that we had grown apart, and she had to keep it secret because I would get mad if I found out. Yes... yes I would.

Then she started to blame me for taking the kids for the odd weekend to the cottage - forcing her to stay home and golf and then go clubbing.

Then she started to blame me for her pathological lying, saying I forced her to lie, because I didn't like her friends or her lifestyle.

 

[alte Dame]

A lot of people tell themselves lies so they can live with themselves. After a while, they begin to believe their own lies. The lies get bigger with time. Before you know it, your W will have herself convinced that she's a true, blameless heroine in a tragic romance story.

 

[TDSC60]

Have you posted the POS on cheaterville.com?

Might want to consider putting your wife up there as well.

 

[unbelievable]

So, hooking up with you when she was 23 was evidence that she was insecure and bewildered? Cheating was evidence of her being a more confident woman? Her needs weren't being met, so the blame for her cheating is on your shoulders.

 

[Kasler]

She may be in a fantasy world, but you're enabling it.

 

[Acabado]

"I have had a lot of time to reflect on our situation in the last few weeks. What happened between us is very sad. I changed from the young, insecure, bewildered 23 year old into a more confident women with different needs. But somehow, those needs were not being met and I did irreparable damage by looking outside the marriage to satisfy those needs. Call it vanity, mid-life crisis, narcissism - I took the wrong path."

The whole paragraph is pure contradiction.

She seems everything but secure/confident. She didn't felt confident she felt entitled to fullfill unrealistics needs. I say unrealistics becuase these "needs" (actually wants) can't be satisfied by your husband, no matter how plugged he is. It's a different apetite what she wanted satisfied. You can't make her feel good in her own skin, with the natural symptoms of her age. You can't be the test she still "has it", it's necessaryly done by getting other men attention. You can't be, by definition, the other man she ever slept with (you were her only, right?). Those were her "needs". Of course you never could satisfy them.
Simply put being married (with all it means) was not what she wanted anymore. If that was the case she could push you to rebuild the marriage. As she never wanted a divorce she decides to have a cake on the side. To prove herself. (vanity, mid-life crisis, narcissism)
Thing is she always could prove herself, met those needs without cheating! She could divorce you before.

Yeah, she's still, years later, rationalizing. Really, cheating is a sign of confidence, growth, maturity?

If back then she were able to face the mirror and own her sh1t (the above "needs" list) instead of shifting the blame (the bolded part means "you failed to met my needs"), to hold onto those secrets (what killed any possible intimacy to be re-established) and lie like a pro (again for selfish porpouses, to control the outcome) maybe you could have a chance. She never was into it. You cheated and then screwed up ther possible reconciliation. What a waste.

She's still in the same hollow path. In five years she can't a cougar anymore. Ther's no botox in the world. It will be very sad.

 

[alte Dame]

"I have had a lot of time to reflect on our situation in the last few weeks. What happened between us is very sad. I changed from the young, insecure, bewildered 23 year old into a more confident women with different needs. But somehow, those needs were not being met and I did irreparable damage by looking outside the marriage to satisfy those needs. Call it vanity, mid-life crisis, narcissism - I took the wrong path."

I can't believe the language in this. It's so classically self-exonerating - things happened to her; she didn't do them. I could rewrite it to make it less of the lie that it is:

"I have had a lot of time to reflect on what I did in the last few weeks. What happened is that I made selfish choices. I changed from the young, insecure, bewildered 23 year old into a more confident, but misguided, unfaithful woman with different issues. But somehow, I thought that I had the right to expect you to solve all of my issues and I did irreparable damage by breaking my sacred vows. I am vain and narcissistic. Some may choose to excuse it by calling it a mid-life crisis, but I know I made the choice to follow the wrong path."

There. I fixed it.

 

[Wanting1]

I can't believe the language in this. It's so classically self-exonerating - things happened to her; she didn't do them. I could rewrite it to make it less of the lie that it is:

"I have had a lot of time to reflect on what I did in the last few weeks. What happened is that I made selfish choices. I changed from the young, insecure, bewildered 23 year old into a more confident, but misguided, unfaithful woman with different issues. But somehow, I thought that I had the right to expect you to solve all of my issues and I did irreparable damage by looking outside the marriage. I am vain and narcissistic. Some may choose to excuse it by calling it a mid-life crisis, but I know I made the choice to follow the wrong path."

There. I fixed it.

I would have a hard time NOT sending the "corrected" version back to her.

 

[OldWolf57]

Have you told your ws how plastic she looks ??
Have you actually sat down and told her from a mans POV how desperate her and her friends look to mature guys and easy to younger guys.

You should !!!
Its time to put on the big boy pants and tear her lil world up, with reality.

By the way, I'm glad you are away from her.
Until she accept getting old, she is going to be unfaithful.
As for the pos, just don't get caught. and make sure everyone knows he's a pos.

I'm sorry you're here, and Good Luck going forward.

 

[RClawson]

I would never respond the that wench. She would be "dead to me".

 

[Tony55]

My wife got her breasts done when she was in the midst of an EA with a younger guy she met golfing (13 years younger)... Honestly, I liked her breasts better before - they fit her petite frame better.

I know what you mean about this, I prefer natural also, something about those over stretched balloons they like nowadays just doesn't click with me.

Imagine what women would think if men started showing up with implants to enhance shoulders, biceps, butt, thighs, pecs... ya think they'd be attracted to them? I doubt it.

Cedarman, your wife sounds like she's caught up in what I call the Desperate Housewives syndrome. I see it everywhere. Some pull it off, most look pathetic.

 

[donny64]

Have you told your ws how plastic she looks ??
Have you actually sat down and told her from a mans POV how desperate her and her friends look to mature guys and easy to younger guys.

You should !!!
Its time to put on the big boy pants and tear her lil world up, with reality.

Yup. What these older women who seek validation via attention of men (any man) don't see is how pathetic they look in the process. Attention wh0res. It's not the attention of A man they seek, it's the attention of ANY man. A mature guy will see them for what they are, and will want nothing more to do with them that what is so easily given up between their legs. The young guys are no different. They see the older, middle aged married women as easy targets. When they go to the bars picking up on the younger (harder to get) chicks, and the night appears bleak, they look to the cougars. Easy prey. And the cougars eat it up thinking the younger guy is into them, and just oh-so-glad they can "pull" a young stud.

Mature, confident, smart women do not fall into that trap or that nonsense. Thank god for those kind of women.

 

[Malaise]

A lot of people tell themselves lies so they can live with themselves. After a while, they begin to believe their own lies. The lies get bigger with time. Before you know it, your W will have herself convinced that she's a true, blameless heroine in a tragic romance story.

Just four sentences and it speaks volumes.

aD, you nailed it.