[jelkins]

i am a deployed soldier and i love my wife more than any thing in the world, besides our children. i have alot of problems within my marriage. i didnt know there was any thing wrong in my marriage till about 2 months ago. i found out my wife was texting my neighbors 22 yr old brother i asked her to stop and alot has happened since then. i cam home on leave for 2 weeks and ended up putting this dude through the wall. even longer story. needless to say my wife tells me that she is confused and doesnt know weather she wants to continue on with our marriage or if she just wants to be alone we lived in north carolina and my home state is missouri since my leave i have relocated her back to missouri and she told me she would stop talking to the neighbors. well i found out she is still talking to him and she told me that she told him she loved him but she tells me she isnt in love with him. im so lost and i dont know what to do. i am seriously alone. we have recently seperated not legally but it was decide we werent going to talk so she could see if she would miss me. does any one have any advice or care to chat with me i just need some one to talk to. it is un manly for me to cry but thats all i can seem to do any one?

 

[tryingtobebetter]

Sorry to hear this.

How long have you been married? How old are you, your wife and children?

 

[jelkins]

we have been together for 9 years and married for 4. Im 25 my wife is 24, i have a 3 year old princess and a 5 year old spiderman lol. i just need some one to chat with, i use to look to her for that and thats all i know she made all of my days better when we werent fighting and now she doesnt even want to talk to me any more. im sick to my stomach all the time i have no appetite and i cant sleep all i do is just think about all of this and it is just a constant hurt. im looking for some one to help me clear my mind or atleast occupy it not looking for a connection thats not it just want some one to try to help me get over all of this may give some advice and help curve the urge to want to call her all the time. she is staying with her mom so when i i want to talk to the kids i just call her phone so i dont even have to hear her voice. i would appreciate it very much.

 

[jelkins]

and sorry if my responses are slow im in kuwait and the internet isnt very good its up and down constantly

 

[The Middleman]

Was this a physical relationship with the other man or was it emotional/texting type of relationship (Both are bad). What drove you to put this guy through a wall?

 

[janiliya]

and sorry if my responses are slow im in kuwait and the internet isnt very good its up and down constantly

Is it possible that your wife is speaking outside rather than with you because you are unavailable for her talks - I do not mean physically but may be emotionally. Do you 2 talk often and are the conversations meaningful with both of you giving each other time and responding emotionally to the other? Or are most of your talk limited to logistical matters with may be either of you uninterested? I suggest you make the first move, break the silence and talk to your wife and find out what the issues are rather than just ask her to stay away. Since you people are physically apart, make sure that you make her feel secure and be there for her emotional needs.

Hope this helps. I am myself going through a bad marriage and divorce so I can understand how difficult it must be for you.

 

[anchorwatch]

First, thank you for your service and make sure you come home safe. It's a tough situation to keep a marriage from so far away.

Second, here is a list of rules that you should do, they allow you to cope with your situation. Follow them!!! 180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Do not beg or implore her to come back to you. It will only make you look weak. You need to look strong. She needs to know you're not a just a pay check and you're ready to move on and she can get her little boy toy to support her.

Have you exposed the affair to family and friends?

 

[tryingtobebetter]

I agree this is very tough for you.

While I hope she will come back to you, I think you should think about the possibility that she will not, in which case you will want to be clear that you get the access to your children that you want. have you looked into that ?

 

[jelkins]

me and my wife would talk in the morning and night for about 30 min to an hour we have had the emotional talks the silence is cause she says that i get under her skin and she feels no connection to me. she says she is confused she has feelings for this guy but she doesnt want to be with any one. but she wanted to not talk for a week or longer to see if she can even miss me i dont think she will

 

[MrK]

Let her go. She's gone. Do the 180 for you and your kids.

You were both too young. There should be a law against high school sweethearts marrying.

 

[jelkins]

MRK i appreciate your help but im looking for more support than just leave her. im sorry to tell you we are more than just high school sweethearts. and im not going to nor willing to let go that easy. as for me putting him through the wall.. well im going to say and i do know my wife so im not looking for negativity! we were all partying drinking it was a weekend. me and my wife got into an argument and fought basically all night. she told me she was done and didnt want to be with me i was controlling her i had left her alone and the rest is fuzy cause i was drunk too. so about 4am i drove off and slept in the car infront of a friends house till bout 630 woke up and drove home i just wanted things to cool off a little. when i came back home no one was there so i went next door and looked around and went up stairs to dudes room where i found my children sleeping in bed and my wife laying in bed ( drunk) fully clothed and holding her was dude but he was in his underwar. so now before you jump to conclusion. i know my wife and i know that she did nothing with him and have no reason to believe so. he is taking advantage of our situation an trying to move in on her. so he got woke up to knuckles up side his head i then grabbed his foot and dragged him out of bed where we both started the squabble and then he met the wall so thats where that went. she ended leaving with me my son had a soccor game at 830 in the morning so we both went not talking at all after the game we went home and had a talk. we decided to go back to missouri and leave that all behind. and now thats where she sits at her moms house.
so we still argue and fight while she is there. i just recently found out she had a secret email account and was messaging him there.... she says she is confused and doesnt know why she feels she needs to talk to him and doesnt know why she wants to talk to him but she says she doesnt want to be with him even though she knows that he wants to be with her. he tells her he loves her and all of that seen the text messages. im just not sure what to do or how to feel i am an emotional rollercoaster and its up and down at times i feel that i can just leave and then the next moment i feel that i just cant do it. i do love my wife we were best friends and i know the military has alot to do with this. i have left her alone too long this is my second deployment and all together with training it will be a total of 2 1/2 years out of 4 we have been together but were are almost at our 9 year relationship mark. any one have any good solid advice. i cant go not talking to her as i dont have many friends here to talk to and family isn reliable nor ppl i want to talk to. im signal now but i dont mesh well with these people and thats why its hard for me to make friends im not a nerd like the lot of em. but she was really the only person that helped me get through this. she still sends me pics of her in her panties and stuff and she is just throwing mixed signals to me. she said she would stop talking to him but she wont gime me the secret email account and password. i just dont know what to do she is making me confused. im sick all the time stressed to the max and i have lost 27lbs in 2 monts im not a big guy either i weighed 164 when i got here now i weigh 137 food just makes me sick.

 

[DayDream]

Is there some kind of counceling for soldiers and people in service and their families? This seems to be a common theme with people who are deployed for months at a time. I really do feel bad for you guys.

And thank you for your service. You are a hero.

 

[anchorwatch]

jelkins, it's hard to do anything from where you are.

You need to tell her you can't stop her but if she continues to communicate with him she is killing the marriage and destroying the family.

As Day Dream said you need to ask for counseling or get to the Chaplin.

Did you read the 180 list? Do you understand how it will help your emotions?

 

[jelkins]

im tired of talking to the people i work with and see on an every day basis. i have talked to every on in my whole chain of command basically Batallion commander and down know whats going on. i havent read the 180 rules im about to go to WLC on sunday for the old vets it was PLDC. so i have to wait to see the counselor.

 

[anchorwatch]

jelkins,

You're the only person who can help you. That's what the 180 is about, you helping yourself cope. Read it, live it.

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Good luck and be well.

 

[costa200]

i know my wife and i know that she did nothing with him and have no reason to believe so.

O really?

holding her was dude but he was in his underwar

The Nile isn't just a river in Egypt.

 

[the guy]

Thanks for your service, if it wasn't for you I would have to deal with haji on my front door.

I don't get why you are still getting pics from wife and yet you guys stopped talking?

If it was me I wouldn't want to deal with the emotional torture of looking at them, I would delete them and ask her to stop sending them, but thats just me....I'm not much into pain!

Its just that I can see that she just keeps giving you just a little bit to keep you miserable....Maybe in her mind she thinks it helps you, maybe in her mind it makes her feel less guilty by sending you pics while she messes around, maybe she send you the pics as long as you keep sending the pay check?

These mixed signal got to be killing you, so stop recieving the signals....you know what I mean?

Again I don't have a magic pill that will make you feel better about the appearent death of this marriage, but I can tell you how to protect your self from more pain. And that is stop engaging your self by looking at her panty pics, stop relying on her to make you happy, and work on your self and turn this around not for your marriage but for your kids. After all they are the only ones counting on you....well your wife is counting on the paycheck! (hences the mixed messages)

 

[Asian]

I feel you my brother. Similar situation happended to me but my wife in young 30s hooking up with 21 years old.... She said she did not have sex but I caught her hiding her dirty thong after her night out with her FRIENDS!!! Try to kiss her that night and she refused....who know what she had in her mouth that night.
My wife's OM is from her work but we both agreed that she should quit her Job than she did.

Still have hard time dealing with it so you are not the only one.
How much do you love her? Im still with her dealing with it even it hurts my soul but Im here with her because I want and I love her enough to accept her again if she is willing to change.
I also have multiple kids so I understand it make ur discion even make it hard.

She send you sexy pics that means she still want to keep you close under her control.. My wife does that to " is my ass look fat?" showing me her ass with her thong on and when I try to make move on her she just rejects me....driving me nuts....
Got to ask your self what you want in your life!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[jelkins]

i know im the ultimate decision maker here but it seems like she gets me on the believing end its very back and forth with us. like today she tells me that she wants to move on with me and promises on our children that you will cut all contact with him. she does not and will not give me the info for her secret email and she will not tell him infront of me either. but promises that its done. and she is ready to move on if i can move on with out the email. i asked her what is the big issue with the email and she says thats not letting go and all im going to do is keep checking the email but she is wrong im gonna delete that **** but idk. i read the 180 thing and im not sure if i can do it i dont want to grow cold on her and just end up leaving for good. i do really love her. and when i said my vows i meant all of it and from where i stand we arent dead yet. we will see what happens i guess. im getting to this point where it just pisses me off more than anything. now i find out she has called him with some one in her familys phone.. F...!!!

 

[Jonesey]

Have you triad to talk to the.douchbag's parents?
Have exposed her?

This is hard to understand in your situation. At least it was for me in my case. Try to stop negotieate whit her. It never works.

It only seem's to empower them.like some how they realise they hold the power. Think about this. If she was serious with Mr douch
Dont you think she would have allready left?