I've been trying to improve our sex life over the last few months. We were in a low sex marriage (3/month) which was both of our faults. She put on a lot of weight over the years and has very low body self esteem. That lack of self esteem made her a lot less adventurous in the bedroom and the weight made me masterbate more and feel less attracted to her. I'm trying to change that. I'm showing my wife more affection. I tell her she is doing really well on losing weight (she's is about 80lb heavier than her marriage weight). I got my testosterone tested (mid 300s) and got ED pills for those times that I just can't get completely aroused. I suggested sex therapy or MC and she was completely against it because that would mean (to her) that we had really bad problems, and she wasn't willing to admit that.
This past weekend, I had morning wood on Saturday. It took some convincing, but we had a good sex session. She came at least twice. During sex, I told her some of the things that I wanted (her to shave her pubes - I keep mine trimmed, going to the lingerie store together to buy some toys). She was all over that, telling me how much she wanted to do that. It made her more horny. But I wasn't able to finish. I never lost my errection (didn't even use the ED meds), but I could tell that I just wasn't getting that feeling that I was going to come. I suggested that we try again later.
That's when things went downhill. Every time I tried to initiate later, she said that we didn't have time. There was always something more important that needed to get done (there were a lot of errands that had to be run). So no more sex Saturday. On Sunday, I suggested that we go to the lingerie store, like we talked about Saturday morning, and I almost got my head bitten off. She said that there was no way because we didn't have time, and listed about 10 things that had to get done that day. This is her typical M.O. When she is horny, sex is a wonderful thing, but when she is not, sex is a low priority. I think improving our sex life is a top priority. There is almost nothing I would prioritize above that. So Sunday ended with no sex either.
She asked later if I was mad, and I chickened out and said no. I really wasn't mad, because getting mad just leads to a downward spiral in resentment and blame. I was disappointed, but I have been disappointed like this about a 100 times before, so this one didn't really surprise me. I should have been honest but I just didn't have the energy to get into a fight, which usually makes her feel guilty. Guilting her into doing these things doesn't make the situation any better, it usually makes them worse. I just can't figure out why she can't be the same person when she isn't horny that she is when she is horny. I'm always ready to enhance our sex life. But I think that she thinks talking or taking actions to improve our sex life means that she is a failure at it.
Like many other men on TAM, I always initiate anything other than vanilla sex (and most sex in general). I can't think of a single time in 20 years that she has asked to use a toy, or put on a porno, or buy lingerie. There was maybe once or twice that she put on lingerie without me suggesting it. On the rare occassion that she does want to use a toy or see a porno, she will say "you can get one if you want to", but she will never admit to wanting anything other than vanilla. The only times she will trim her pubes is when I ask her several times to do it, and then it feels like she is doing it grudgingly (and she doesn't do a very good job of it). I spend a lot of time down there. You would think that she would give my preferences a little more consideration.
But it's getting really tough to always initiate and want to improve things, and then be told that I am too low a priority. I can see how a sexless marriage can be easier than always banging your head against a wall.
This past weekend, I had morning wood on Saturday. It took some convincing, but we had a good sex session. She came at least twice. During sex, I told her some of the things that I wanted (her to shave her pubes - I keep mine trimmed, going to the lingerie store together to buy some toys). She was all over that, telling me how much she wanted to do that. It made her more horny. But I wasn't able to finish. I never lost my errection (didn't even use the ED meds), but I could tell that I just wasn't getting that feeling that I was going to come. I suggested that we try again later.
That's when things went downhill. Every time I tried to initiate later, she said that we didn't have time. There was always something more important that needed to get done (there were a lot of errands that had to be run). So no more sex Saturday. On Sunday, I suggested that we go to the lingerie store, like we talked about Saturday morning, and I almost got my head bitten off. She said that there was no way because we didn't have time, and listed about 10 things that had to get done that day. This is her typical M.O. When she is horny, sex is a wonderful thing, but when she is not, sex is a low priority. I think improving our sex life is a top priority. There is almost nothing I would prioritize above that. So Sunday ended with no sex either.
She asked later if I was mad, and I chickened out and said no. I really wasn't mad, because getting mad just leads to a downward spiral in resentment and blame. I was disappointed, but I have been disappointed like this about a 100 times before, so this one didn't really surprise me. I should have been honest but I just didn't have the energy to get into a fight, which usually makes her feel guilty. Guilting her into doing these things doesn't make the situation any better, it usually makes them worse. I just can't figure out why she can't be the same person when she isn't horny that she is when she is horny. I'm always ready to enhance our sex life. But I think that she thinks talking or taking actions to improve our sex life means that she is a failure at it.
Like many other men on TAM, I always initiate anything other than vanilla sex (and most sex in general). I can't think of a single time in 20 years that she has asked to use a toy, or put on a porno, or buy lingerie. There was maybe once or twice that she put on lingerie without me suggesting it. On the rare occassion that she does want to use a toy or see a porno, she will say "you can get one if you want to", but she will never admit to wanting anything other than vanilla. The only times she will trim her pubes is when I ask her several times to do it, and then it feels like she is doing it grudgingly (and she doesn't do a very good job of it). I spend a lot of time down there. You would think that she would give my preferences a little more consideration.
But it's getting really tough to always initiate and want to improve things, and then be told that I am too low a priority. I can see how a sexless marriage can be easier than always banging your head against a wall.
