Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We're a 37 yo couple, married for 8 years, 2 boys together (age 6 & 4).

My wife is very attractive, and she would like to audition for Playboy (Hot Housewives). I am not comfortable with this for several reasons, including potential impact on our 2 young boys. My occupation is somewhat high profile, and this could definitely impact this negatively.

I know, you might think what's the big deal, she won't get picked anyways. But the fact is that she really has a good chance at getting chosen. And if she does, then what? She thinks nudity wouldn't be required, but I have doubts about that.

On top of this, we're having some real problems recently, and we've discussed the need to get counseling. Our problems stem from the fact that she repeatedly has "relationships" with other guys, none of which she says have been physical. The most recent episode was last month, with 35 cell phone calls with one guy. And she would meet this guy early in the morning at a gym where they would do cardio together. She never told me this was going on (until I discovered the phone calls), and in fact in her cell phone she had his # labeled "Gina" instead of his true name, Greg.

At this point I think we need to concentrate on each other, and get counseling. I don't think we need this Playboy distraction at this time.

What do you all think? She will say I'm not letting her express herself, and Playboy has been a lifelong dream.
Thanks in advance for your input.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
I realize I'm going to be controversial, but I have strong convictions that I won't compromise on, and some would say I'm old-fashioned, but whatever...
First of all, posing for the magazine is not simply an expression of one's self. Would your wife think you were expressing yourself if you wanted to be a Chippendale (erotic male dancer)?
You and I both know, as do others if they'll just be honest, that men don't buy those types of magazines to admire a woman's teeth or eyebrows. They get some type of sexual gratification by gazing upon, or lusting after, the women in them. Have we gotten so far off the path in our society when we no longer state the obvious? I'm not telling you anything new, but you may not have heard anyone say it like that in awhile. Anyway, either you and your wife both really know that women in those magazines are lusted after, or you or she is utterly naive. I have to assume that your wife knows how men who buy those things think, so it would bother me to know that, knowing what she does, she still wants to subject herself to the lusty googling of other men. I believe it's selling one's body for money, not for the actual act of sex but still for the object of sexual lust. Do you all understand what I'm saying? If you are so unhappy with it, a woman who truly loves you and respects your feelings would not do it, then.

Sounds like she has some kind of problem that she's dealing with wrongly by seeking inappropriate attention of other men.

This, as a man, is where I'd draw the line. Think of this also... there are some things in a marriage that are part of a man or woman being your wife. It makes it extra special when you and your wife are the only ones that ever see each other naked in an erotic setting (the only other time anyone else should see either one of you naked is at a doctor's office for an exam). To me, to have a wife show herself to the world in a magazine, internet site, etc. takes some of the special bond, the exclusivity of our sexuality and tosses it to the wind. It, in effect, cheapens our intimacy by opening the door and letting anyone else see part of it.

Come on, bottom line, no other man should see your wife naked, and no other woman should see you naked for that matter.

It's selfish and immature for a spouse to assert their "rights" in disregard for your feelings. Women and others try to make it sound so glamorous or dignified to pose in such magazines, but in reality what they are doing is setting themselves up for some dirty old man somewhere to masturbate while looking at them and fantasizing. You've come a long way, baby.

I would say, no way am I happy with you doing this, wife, and if you go ahead and do it, totally disrespecting and disregarding my feelings, then we're talking separation. I'd have a hard time being intimate with a wife again, maybe for a long time, that flaunted their sexuality to other men.

I know what some of you might think, that's art, people only buy the magazine for the interviews, etc. etc. And the Emperor really has new clothes on, too, right?

I told you I was probably controversial, but I'm not wrong.

David
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
David,

Thanks for your reply. And we're on the same page--I hear (and feel) everything you're saying. I guess I'm "old-fashioned" too, but my wife's standpoint would be that I'm "controlling".

I'm interested in others' viewpoints as well. Is there a middle ground here, or even someone that takes her side on the issue?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
You are not controlling you are 50% of the marriage and this has a huge impact on you. She needs to have empathy for you. Let alone this is more about if she does it she is controlling choices and emotions of the relationship.

draconis
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,212 Posts
Tell her that you support her 100%, in fact, you want a preview, hand her 7 bucks and tell her to take her clothes off.
If she is appalled, she has no business posing for Playboy.

That is my 'results' oriented response :)

Although, I also have to say that I disagree with dbj's assessment. Dirty old men are dirty old men, whether an attractive woman is in a potato sack or buck-naked.

Playboy is unmistakably a magazine dealing with sexuality, but eroticism is in the eye of the beholder. What I see as pedestrian, you may see as pornographic. I personally, would not have an issue with my thirty-something wife being invited to pose for Playboy, unless it was apparent that she wanted to do so as a means of boosting her self-image by wanting to be an object of desire to others - and further distancing herself from the marriage. In that case, I would put Gorilla Glue in her shampoo bottle.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
Cosmo is also unmistakably a magazine dealing with sexuality. My husband and I were in the store the other day and he said "you don't have this one yet do you?" and then we realized it was the Spanish version he picked up so I said "That's OK, I don't read the articles, I just buy it for the pictures!" Anyway, we both got a chuckle because I actually do buy it for the articles and it's a good way to spice things up for us, but it still boils down to respecting each other's feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Well, I'm in agreeance with you guys...by the way...I'm new to the board :). I have a very attractive wife as well...and I could never let her do anything like that. I guess my approach that everything underneath her clothes is for "my eyes" only.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Maybe there are a few people who buy such a magazine for the articles. However, just remember this: not everone in the world has the same cultured, enlightened, or "honorable" intent or perspective that you might have, Swedish. My point was, why would a woman want to subject herself to such a mixed bag of eyes? You don't know who's going to look at the naked body and what any of them are thinking, men from all different parts and different levels of morality. Even further, my point is that it is wrong for a man or woman to expose themselves to other men or women like that. Agree or not, that was precisely my point. That, and you as a woman should know that lots of guys (not all, but way too many) look at women as an object or piece of meat. Why would a woman want to subject herself to that? Susan B. Anthony must be turning over in her grave. Oh, wait, yeah, that's right, maybe you could say that she would say, good for the women who now have the right to do such a thing. One reason why the women's movement got started was because they were treated as property/objects. Now some women use their liberation to subject themselves as sex objects? I guess we'll just agree to disagree on this one.

One more thing,... to Deejo's point: True, dirty old men will be dirty old men, but why help them in their filth? I used the example of dirty old men, but the truth is, I doubt many women really know or understand just how much men struggle with lustful thoughts. I'm not talking about sex offenders or perverts, but your everyday man, the insurance salesman, the banker, teacher, even ministers.

Look, my kids might get hurt playing in the playground, but increase those chances if I let them play in a busy street. Likewise, sure, even if you posed clothed in a department store catalog someone might still look at you lustfully, but don't you increase that by posing nude in a sex magazine?

I don't mean to be argumentative. I know we're on here trying to help each other. I really mean the best for everyone. Many good points were made by the posts on this thread.

Peace to everyone. Wish you all the best.

Love,
dbj1971
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,212 Posts
I respect your point of view dbj.

Unfortunately, my opinion is that that the Playboy gig is just part of a larger set of issues for 2000K&A.

I hope that the two of you can find an equitable compromise and get at the bigger picture to mend the rift.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
If Playboy was her lifelong dream, she shouldn't have gotten married and had two kids. Call me old-fashioned, but in my opinion, once you are married, you give up your own personal dreams and begin new dreams for you AND your spouse to work on together. Marriage is about sharing, compromise, and no longer being completely self-centered. If a person cannot handle that, that person should not be married. When you get married you are making a commitment to your spouse, and their happiness is just as important as yours. Your wife is being extremely selfish and immature. She is a grown woman and a MOTHER and needs to be a role model for her sons. It's great that she is attractive; however, she should not flaunt this for other men. You are her husband and you alone should get to ogle her body. ALSO - the fact that she is off running around with another guy is outrageous and you should not stand for it. I don't care if he is a "friend." You should be the one and only man in her life because you are her husband. Yes, she needs to forget this Playboy business, take a look at herself, and you two should get counseling. I am a wife myself and I know that my husband would never approve of the type of things your wife expects you to accept - and I would never expect him to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Wow...Melville hit that right on the head, and from a woman's perspective too! By the way, I skimmed over the last part of your first post yesterday and yeah, if she is having "episodes" as you refer to them...counseling is the first place you need to be going instead of a photo shoot. It sounds as if you're wife is an attention-seeker in any way she can get it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,706 Posts
While I would LOVE for my wife to pose for Playboy, I am going to say Your wife Should NOT.

If you are having marital problems you need to solve them and get it straightened out.

You know how men have "mid life crisis" so do women, She is feeling "old" past her prime, this is her thing to get back to the "I am a hot women" again.

But you have bigger issues here, get them solved, Marriage and family come first.

I may be the most liberal person on this board, But if the foundation is rocky it needs to be tended to.

Best of luck. I vote a big fat NO playboy.
 
Joined
·
29 Posts
I agree with all the other replies. Posing for Playboy is just not on...and NO, you are not being controlling.I am a Muslim and we are taught from a young age that our beauty is meant to be revealed for our husbands only.

Old fashioned, maybe, but it just makes for so a much happier marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Must just be my argumentative nature, however why not find out why she wants too and what it means to her, after that tell her how you feel about it and why you don't want her to.

Hell she could just be testing you to see how supportive you are. I personally would allow it if she could make me see her reasoning.

Plus playboy is far classier then a lot of the smut thats floating out there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
she feels insecure..if she thinks she have enough or content to her self she shouldn't do that..only insecure person wanna flaunt their body / lack of attention. tell her that you need to control her cos you need to take the lead in your marriage...she's acting like teenager. sorry for the words 2000k&A
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,618 Posts
There really are two separate issues here, one of which is about control over her own body, and the other, why on earth she would want to do such a thing. Yes, it would be "controlling" if you tried to forbid her--and her insensitivity to the potential impact on your career would be grounds for leaving the marriage. But no, you do not have any right to feel she "should" take in to account how YOU think that what is under her clothes is for your eyes only. That's your issue, not hers. What if she wanted to be a nude model at an art studio, for example? That is perfectly respectable and yet would "violate" your standard.

At the same time, she sounds like someone with some serious self-esteem issues. If she has always relied heavily on her looks and male approval/attention as her source of self-esteem, then her "lifetime goal" makes sense: in her eyes, being chosen for PB is the ultimate validation of her attractiveness. But to pursue that will be worthless, b/c it will be a very transitory "victory," and her looks will change with time, and she'll need new validation. She needs to find other sources of self-esteem. It's pretty much that simple, and any woman who thinks that posing for PB is an achievement is the antithesis of what the women's movement stood for. She does not need male approval to be a worthwhile human being. The perkiness or size of her breasts do not make her a better person. Her emphasis on looks may, in fact, make her less of a person if she is quick to judge others based on THEIR looks. I don't know her; these are suggestions of things that might get her thinking about why she has such a sad goal. Who does she honestly think will give a damn to hear she was a PB model? Some creeps who'd like to f*ck her, so they make sure she gets a table in their restaurant faster? Is that worth pandering to male lasciviousness? Or would she rather impress people with her thoughtfulness, generosity of spirit, willingness to take emotional risks, and the things that actually make a difference in life? Don't know if any of this will help her, but it's worth a try. By the way, there's an article out there somewhere by a woman who defended her right to be a PB model as her "choice," and who came to realize a few years down the road how incredibly poor her self-esteem was at the time (she told people it WASN'T, at the time she posed; she claimed to have excellent self-esteem), how she realized she was desperate for male attention, etc., etc. It might be worth having a librarian help you locate it and asking your wife to read it. Good luck.
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top