[EleGirl]

I read 3 pages of this post and the one suggestion I didnt see is why not ask the OP. Talk to him man to man, dont come across as being mad or aggressive just tell him your wife lied to him about their relationship and you want to get to the bottom of it. If he doesnt want to come clean ask your wife to put down in paper where when and why it happened, ask her to sign it so you know she's sincere and hang onto it. Most Hospitals frown on employees using rooms meant for the sick as their own little sex room. Turn the confession over to the Human Relations department and let them deal with it. Theres consequences for intentionally lying and she needs to understand that she cant lie and not have to face the consequences.

So far nothing has come out saying that they had sex in the hospital.

Ralph does no know what he is doing yet. If he is going to get an annulment or divorce, then making her lose her job is a really bad move. She might never be able to find a good job again so her child would be thrown into poverty because the mother is a liar.

If Ralph wants to try to fix this, then she needs to find a new job. But getting fired for sexual harassment or inappropriate behavior at work will hurt her ability to ever find another job.

 

[Thor]

I would be very worried about this lie. Not the content so much, though probably there is more to the story and it won't make you happy. But the disregard she has for the truth is a big problem. The fact that she is willing to lie in order to get what she wants from you is a big problem. The fact that she can lie convincingly to you is a problem (she has no apparent guilt).

So what else don't you know about? What else has she hidden from you? What else did she blatantly lie about? These are the deep issues, not when she may have banged this guy before she met you.

 

[bfree]

Usually I'm not one for escalating the paranoid speculation but for some reason my spidey sense is tingling here. Or it could be those tacos I had for dinner.

 

[Thor]

You really need to get to the bottom of WHY she hid this from you .. even after your insistent asking her about it.

My guess, the only one that makes sense to me anyway, is that she still harbors feelings for this guy in some way shape or form.

Could be she still has feelings. But another possibility is that her template for relationships is to use lies and deceptions to get what she wants. She may see it as acceptable to have secrets and to be dishonest within a marriage. It is possible she has no feelings for this old fling at all, but she was worried what her husband would think. Rather than talk about it, it was much easier and safer to just lie.

If that is the case it is a huge red flag. There is an underlying reason her rules for relationships would include dishonesty with her husband, and it must be discovered and dealt with if there is any hope of it changing.

Whatever is going on, this situation is not one to rugsweep!

 

[raulph]

no. its not good and im drunk and mad .. I don't get it she is all feeling bad and crying but its all kinda im sorry poor me crap,

 

[tom67]

no. its not good and im drunk and mad .. I don't get it she is all feeling bad and crying but its all kinda im sorry poor me crap,

Call it a night with her and tell her we'll talk later. I feel for ya.

 

[bryanp]

I think she is sorry......sorry that she keeps getting caught in her own lies to you! She seems to be a totally toxic person. Please protect yourself Ralph. Good luck.

 

[weightlifter]

Hip OP im resident tech wife buster. I copy paste the bottom part as it is now far too long to retype every time.

I suggest strongly play clueless hubby for a while to see where the trail leads.

Are you UK?

Here you go:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar?

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat.

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

 

[raulph]

3 years of the same lie is what is bothering me, she told the same lie the night before our wedding. this is crazy what did I do to deserve this and the kids are going to get hurt from us breaking up

 

[tom67]

Amazon.com: pen voice recorder

 

[happyman64]

raulph

I know you are hurting and you have every right to be.

Sober up and get some sleep.

Tomorrow sit your wife down and explain to her a few things.

1. You married under false pretenses.
2. She is a liar and had done so for the years you have been together.
3. You don't care is she is embarrassed about a half assed relationship or ONS before you were in the picture. You angry that she has lied repeatedly over a stupid time in her life that you could have had time to assimilate and deal with together.

Tell her you are seriously considering annulling the marriage over her lies.

Then sit back and watch.
Sit back and listen.

Then in a few days or weeks decide what you want to do.

I cannot fathom why a woman would lie about this when she found a guy that she supposedly loves.

Let alone you love her and her child I am assuming.

Your wife is either an idiot or the others are right there is more to this story...

HM

 

[Rottdad42]

I'm still stuck on the fib. Two people come together, have and hold all that stuff. Something doesn't sit right, good senses btw, you ask, one, twice, three times a BS'er. 31 year mom spinning tales because she is ashamed about something that happened 5-6 years ago. Doesn't work for me. These are things that just should't happen at the beginning of anything. Then you marry and then you get thee truth. Well maybe you did, maybe you didn't. You sure don't have all the facts to make any conclusions. Except the fact she fibbed, that's all you really can hang your hat on. Sorry man more to it. Hey brother word to the wise, stop the bottle works it mucks everything up, trust me. Good luck.

 

[Hardtohandle]

I have never lied to my wife.. I have never cheated on my wife.. My wife came before anyone.. I would have fought off the apocalypse or I would started one to protect my wife.. The sun set and rose on my wife in my eyes..

We dated 5 years. After the 3rd year we got engaged. I put her through college and she became a Dental Hygienist. She makes 45 an hours.

We were together 19 years in total with 2 boys 13 and 8.

I worked 3 jobs to pay for her college and clothing as she did not work while she went to school. I helped taking care of my family home since my dad left when I was 12. Once I became an full time working adult I took over all the finances for the home and my mother just chilled and did her own thing. She deserved it.

I worked 3 jobs also to pay for a wedding that cost me 25k.

About 1 month before the wedding I found out she was searching someone on the internet. A man.. I confronted her and she broke down crying telling me it was nothing.. She never met him..

Nutshell I let it go.. I spent 25k on wedding that was gonna happen in a month. I was with her for 5 years, 24x7x365 or just about. IF she did anything it was a ONS..

We got married.

After about 2 years of being married we had our first boy. So by the 3rd year he was one years old and I caught her intending on meeting a man from the Brotherhood of the sisters of Saint Joseph of Boston. He was the Website Admin.. I found the cloths she was going to wear and found the hotel near the airport they were going to meet.

She lied about everything. She couldn't tell me a bit of truth.. I threw her out of the house. I called her mother and told her and told her to get her daughter.

2 weeks passed of her calling me, I would call her every name in the book. Wh0re was my favorite word during that time. I ripped her apart.

We did half a$$ed counseling and I rugged swept this incident away..

About years ago from today which would be about 7 years into the marriage now.. I caught emailing her old junkie boyfriend that she broke up before going out with me. I waited a month to go out with her because she had to do it the right way.. WTF the right way was I have no fvcking clue.. Nonetheless it seems he is a reformed junkie now turned drug counselor in Florida.. Whatever..

Now during those 4 or 5 years we tried to have another child. Granted I was not the one carrying the child, but being the consummate father and husband I was with her through the 3 miscarriages and the DNC. It took us 3 years to conceive our last child. Mind you I told her if this didn't stick we were done trying. I just didn't want to put her through this anymore, emotionally and physically.

But back to incident number 3 the junkie ex boyfriend. She again lied and never told the truth. I only seen one email but she confessed to more during counseling. This time we did what I felt was good counseling. I went for about 6 months with and without her and she did the same for about a year or a bit more.

Now lets hit Sept 25th, 2013. 14 years into my marriage.. I again catch my wife but this time I was too late, they met and had sex several times. It was painful as you can imagine.

From Sept to December she lied about trying to fix the marriage. She lied to me and the therapist. At the end of December when I caught her in yet another of her lies.. She basically told me she didn't love me and yes she was still seeing him.. We were done..

January 3rd he phone rang on the dinning room table it was the guitar strum from the iPhone. The contact picture was my wife and this other man she had the affair with hugging. This guy was calling my wife while she was home.. She came in from the kitchen and picked up the phone and went into the bedroom to talk. I wanted to FVCKING DIE... Not only did my wife not love me anymore, she had no respect or care for me at all.

When I confronted her about it and asked her not to take calls from him while I was home. She told me its not I am talking in front of you.

Mind you he put his facebook page public weeks later with pictures of them together. Sadly as a Cop my hands were tied.. I couldn't do a thing that someone else could or would have done.. I would been arrested and lost my job.. I couldn't afford to loose my job of 24 years. I had to suck this all up..

I did convince her to get him to get rid of the facebook page or I would teach them a lesson about the internet. She blinked and within minutes he went back to private. I was able to suck down the page though with all the pictures.

Now let me tell you as a cop I have had woman come on to me. I have had woman complainants come back to want to talk to me, to come over their house to talk a bit more.

I went to training out of state numerous times.

My wife cheated on me or attempted to cheat on me 4 times that I know of at least..

I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER cheated on my wife or anyone for that matter. Why ? Because of what I opened up with on this post. I loved my wife.. People make mistakes, that is why we are humans and not robots.

2 wrongs don't make a right..

But you think this cvnt of a wife would look back at my loyalty and say I have a honest and great man.. I put him through so much sh1t and he stood by me through everything.

He never hit me, He never cheated on me, He never came home drunk or at least not without me being there. He never told me no to anything I might have wanted. I only work 3 days a week for about 10 hours a week and he has never asked me to work anymore then that. He worked more hours so I didn't..

But absolutely not.. All that sh1t didn't matter to her.. She left..

Not only did she leave me but pretty much abandoned my kids. She hasn't spoken to the 13 year old for about 2 months straight. when school was open she would drive him to school for the literally 2 minute drive and back home after school, but she would not call to speak with him at all. She wouldn't call on the weekends either.

She takes the youngest 2 days a week, monday and tuesday and brings him back Wed about noon.

WTF did my son do to her ? No clue, I can only guess it is shame. He understands exactly what happen. She played out her whole affair in front of the boys.. The youngest is just to young to understand yet.. In a few years he will get it though.

What my point of this whole dribble ?

Its very simple, don't be the fool I was..

Look today almost year since I found out. The boys are with me full time almost. The youngest now wants to come home on Tuesday night instead of Wed afternoon. My oldest has zero contact with his mother. I pay her for now 700 a month in child support, but that will stop soon enough.

For me this turned out well on many aspects and I love my kids whole heartedly. But hindsight being 20/20 I would never went to my friends house to meet her.

For me to have to erase 19 years of my life and start over at the age of 46 is slightly heartbreaking and very annoying.. 46 is not 36 and its not 26..

I am not telling you to leave her, but make sure the sunglasses are off and you're seeing this for what it truly is..

I just feel the LAST THING she should have done is to lie to you..
She should have felt that you were her number one concern.. That she could lie to a priest but not to you.. Lie to her parents but not you.. You two should as thick as thieves.

I would consider calling him out on it and ask him. Tell him you know and lie a bit yourself, but nothing crazy.. All you want to know if it was more then just once..

I wouldn't give him any details about when or where.. I would just wait to see when he tells you when it happen and where. Tell him you will go to HR if you think he is lying.. That either him or your wife will get fired or moved to a different shift.. Get the name of the HR person so you can mention her by name.. Let this guy know you did your homework..

Good luck..

 

[The Cro-Magnon]

The only reason op even suspected anything was because his gut instinct told him something was off. The thi.g is, he was getting this gut instinct about this male and his woman in the here and now. Whatever she has with her co-worker is not some dead and buried memory from years ago that only an archaeologist could piece together, it is something that still has a pulse. I feel for op, she is going to lie, and emotionally manipulate op to win this fight, nothing but cold, silent resolve and action will lever any truth from her. "Frank" questions and let's come clean moments are merely opportunities to slide even more lies past your weak defences, in such people's eyes. Her sexual partner knows her better than her own husband. It's not even a marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[carpenoctem]

Ralph:


Optimistic Overview:

She just lied the first time you asked about him, (‘to protect your feelings’ / ‘because it really was nothing’ / ‘for fear of losing you (r respect)’, etc), and in order to protect that lie, kept lying.

Right now, they work together, and other than an occasional tingle or a little flirtatious hark-back to the time they were together now and then, she is not having an emotional or physical affair with him. You are too important to risk.




Realistic Possibility:

She was carefully setting up / balancing her safety locker and her cake counter. Now you have gone and busted the cake counter, or are about to.

She lied to you about her relationship with him. She lied to you about her relationship with you too.

As a poster mentioned here, she seems to follow an ‘ends justify means’ sort of relationship template.

You are probably much better husband material than him (as evident in the way you rather possessively described how her child from the other boyfriend knows only you as Dad). He is a much better cake baker than you (any man other than the spouse qualifies for his role, alas. Because spouses cannot bake cake – they only have bland daily dough to offer).

Probably, when she met you, he also was in the picture, but you struck her to be better spouse material, and she chose you to marry. At the same time, an adoring man on the sidelines was too good to lose. So she kept him too – probably on and off in your initial days of courting, and later, as a regular presence (Q: were they working together when you first met her and you two started dating?)




Pessimistic Projecion:

It could also go far deeper, she and he could have decided they are ‘soul mates’ who are kept apart by a conspiratorial world and the turn of events, and would stay married to their respective spouses, while keeping the flame between them alive, and the sex between them, frequent.

He also is about to marry his girlfriend, who I feel sure knows your wife, but does not know about the ‘one time’ they slept together – she is probably about to walk through the same path you did, in the same way. If you talk to her, you might hear an eerie replay of your story – she asked him about your wife, he said no, and she will later (post-marriage, the way life works) find out that it was ‘only one time’, and… …

 

[lordmayhem]

As everyone is saying, this is big time Trickle Truth.

• Swore that she had never had anything to do with him and continued to deny anything happened
• Finally admits they just went out and it didn't mean anything
• After more questioning, admits they slept together while drunk
• Then claims this OM was before the next relationship and it was a ONS 5-6 years ago.
• Then claims now it was only a month before their current relationship and still claims it was a ONS.

Now the question is where do the lies end and the truth begins? The OM certainly doesn't act as if it was an ONS that didn't mean anything. Methinks there's even more that you haven't found out yet.

 

[TRy]

She said she never told anyone cause it meant nothing and she was embarrassed about it

This is a lie. You know that she told at least one friend because that is how you found out about it. To remind you, in your first post you stated that "the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together and 3 weeks later asked her again and once more she denied it, then she said they just went out and it meant nothing, then I kept asking and she finally admitted they slept together". No matter what the friend now says, you know that the friend knew.

I talked to her best friend tonight about it and she didn't knw And said she's never seen anything happen at wrk

She is your wife's best friend. If you divorce your wife she will still be your wife's best friend, and the wife's best friend will never talk to you again. What do you expect her to tell you when your wife tells her to lie to you about this? This friend has known all along and has been in on the secret against you along with your wife and the other man (OM).

The story keeps changing and not for the better. As everyone has said there is more to the story and it will only get worse. Based on what she has admitted to you already, she decided to lie to you rather than tell you the truth, because the truth would have certainly meant the end of having the OM in her life. If she was truly remorseful and wanted to help you get over it, she would be asking you "what can I do for you to make it better?" (quote by Remains). That has not happened here because her primary concern is not you but the OM. The truth is that you were brought in to be the dad provider for her children that are not yours. You are not the love of her life.

There is someone out there that would thank God every day for allowing you to be married to them. You will be able to spend all of your time and energy raising your own children with a woman that does not lie to you. Newly married and no children of your own, there is no better time to acknowledge your mistake and move on. If you do want to try reconciliation, she must quit her job and go full no contact (NC) with the OM, and give you full transparency without complaint, which would include all passwords and an agreement not to delete anything without showing it to you first.

 

[MicroStorm]

This is a tough one. On one hand, you could argue that this happened before she met you, "the past is the past" (I hate that cliche), and that you have no solid proof that she has been unfaithful to you since she's been with you.

On the other hand, this is a huge red flag and the incessant lying and slow trickle of information is not working in her favor. When you first posted, I figured that she did this 5 years ago while she was in her teens or early 20s, but then you mentioned that she is 31, so clearly this is not just some college fling or puppy love. She's a grown woman and there is probably more to this story than you even want to know. She works with this guy on a frequent/daily basis, which itself isn't an issue, but you had suspicions for a reason based on his demeanor around you, and obviously your suspicions had some veracity in them.

A month into a marriage is too soon to be having problems like this, but giving up so quickly isn't necessarily the best answer either. Assume she is telling the truth--that she f'd the guy once 5+ years ago and that she has never been unfaithful to you in the meantime. Would this be acceptable to you? Probably, and if she's being honest with her info, albeit lying by omission, then you should be able to get through this with solid communication moving forward.

However, in her case and at her age, her story has more holes than a golf course... and you're still discovering more holes. We don't have all of the intangible information, so it's easy for us to say "divorce" or "annul", but as an outsider looking at this, it's really difficult to take her story with this other guy seriously.

 

[aug]

You know now your marriage is started on a very poor foundation. You'll never forget the lie she told you for 3+ years.

And you know she can lie straight to your face. That's her character.

 

[Cosmos]

Have you talked to your family and her family about this? Exposing helps not to try to end her spending time with her friend. I would tell her she gets to take a lie detector test.

I don't think this warrants exposure to their families. She hasn't (as far as we know) cheated on him. She lied to him.