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(this is the first time I've ever asked advice on a site like this, but we'll see what happens)
(I promise I'm being honest about it all cause there's no point in lying when you're anonymous on a forum looking for advice)

Ok, at first I know what you're thinking... every guys dream right? (look at subject)

We've been married over ten years. We love each other. Everything else is really really good. I mean, literally perfect. We get along, we laugh, we spend time together. We're literally soul mates. I mean, heaven.

The wife will give me a bj a couple times a week and she is really really good at it. There are no problems here.

I'll admit I have a really high libido, I'm strongly in the mood at least once every day but usually twice. I'm really happy with activity every day though, but our average frequency is more like every other day... unless something crazy comes up. Sometimes it's every day if things are going really good (low stress times). But again, I'm ok with every other day. I don't really enjoy masturbating any more because I would just prefer her. I do not look at porn either, no interest in that at all. No interest in other women either. She has told me she is horny about once a day. If she hugs me with any sexuality at all it's an instant erection. She likes how she makes me excited so easily. She told me it makes her feel confident and know that I'm attracted to her, which is an understatement. She's very very attractive too. She has people come up to her and flirt all the time.

Here's the problem. This has been going on for quite a while now. She rarely kisses me more then 10 seconds. She may let me kiss her neck and breasts, but lips... not much. She'll let me touch her body everywhere... except her vagina. That's very very rare. And if she does let me touch there it's for less then a minute. And she will not, under any circumstances, have intercourse with me. Ever.

I have talked to her about it... ALOT, and she says my size scares her... that it will hurt her. I don't think I'm a monster down there. I'm about 8" depending on how excited I am. Interestingly, if I masturbate it's barely 6 inches... She's the only thing that excites me really. She has also told me I am bigger now then when we met... she might be right because I swear I used to be about 7 before, and it seems bigger. When she does oral on me I might be a little over 8 sometimes at the peak of it right before I finish when it's really intense. She also says she literally loves giving me bjs, she really enjoys it and I don't think she is lying. She also tells me it's enough pleasure for her just doing that for me. If I say I want to thrust more (I say it other ways, many other ways, dirty or sweet or clean or naughty whatever)... anyways, if I say I want to thrust more, implying I want to have intercourse, she'll let me do it orally instead. Even kinda rough and deep, whatever I want orally just no intercourse.

I prefer the feeling of being completely inside whenever we do things and she can do that (deep throat) almost all the way, almost the whole time she gives me oral. When it comes to oral she does it almost anyway I want it. With oral, she will do almost anything I want. That isn't a problem at all. She is just worried I will want the same kind of feeling with intercourse, but I told her I would control myself and not try to push it in like that all way. She says she will eventually try it (we have before, we used to all the time), but she's been saying that for months now.

I think it is the combination of lack of affection and no intercourse that is really bothering me. If it was just the no sex, but we kissed a lot more I might accept her reasons. If we had sex and didn't kiss I'd probably still be worried. If she let me pleasure her down there and we kissed I'd believe her reasons. Unfortunately, it's all three... little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse.

I'm sorry if this is coming across pornographic that's not my intention I assure you. Everything else I've read is always men saying they cannot get any oral sex or any sex at all... One thing I read was a guy saying his wife constantly gave him oral all the time, but maybe that was a joke. I'm wondering if there are people who are going to say I'm really lucky that the only thing I have to do in my sex life is get incredible oral sex almost every other day. Maybe I am? I'm just really bothered by what is NOT happening.

I want to be intimate with my wife again. I tell her, we talk about it. She assures me it's just my size that scares her. That it will hurt, but I say I'll be as gentle as I can be. I have good hygiene, and we have great communication. She always open to doing the bjs as described above, no problem. But never anything else... again: little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse. I do try to do these other things often... very often. But I'm always pushed away in one form or another.

I'm really bothered by this. Am I crazy? Do I actually have it really good and I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too here? Should I worry? Why do you think things are like this? Does anyone have experience with this? Any advice would be appreciated. Maybe I need to hear how I should quit complaining? Maybe I need to hear what people think is wrong here? Thoughts? Comments? Anything! Hypothesize whatever? Anything even remotely similar.

I swear, it may sound like a dream to some people... For a little while it was. I mean, even typing this I'm kinda thinking wth? But once the kissing, intercourse, and pleasuring her at all stopped and then stayed that way for a while I started really getting worried. I thought at first she just wasn't in the mood but wanted to take care of me.

Oh, and sorry for the novel of a post. I felt I really needed to spell it all out honestly to the random people on the Internet.
 

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When did the intercourse stop (how long ago) and did anything specific happen that time or around that time?

Does your wife have sexual abuse in her past?

The vagina can expand to allow a baby to pass through. Its meant to withstand penises of all sizes.

Yes, this is an unusual situation. And even if she doesn't want intercourse the fact that you are not allowed to touch or pleasure her is strange in itself.
 
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It is wierd but I've witnessed very similar parameters. I think they don't want to lose control and its why you're not allowed to penetrate her or kiss her on the mouth like a man would. As far as no pleasuring of her... It may be control. On the bright side you are receiving about 80% of the closeness of PIV. Though people who don't get bj may debate that point. I know you'd be happy to penetrate her and even be limited to one half of your c0ck length. If its the length. They have silicone donut shaped spacers to limit depth. If its the girth dialaters over time could gradually increase the girth that can be accommodated without discomfort.
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I am thinking abuse also but it is surprising how she is taking care of you that way. She needs some ic asap.
 

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only woman I know that did that did it because she knew she needed to take care of her man, but had fallen out of love with him, and was not interested in sex. hope that's not the case with you.
 

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only woman I know that did that did it because she knew she needed to take care of her man, but had fallen out of love with him, and was not interested in sex. hope that's not the case with you.
Did this relation end?
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Re: Re: wife only give me oral sex nothing else... nothing

Did this relation end?
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yep. she says she finally got the guts to leave, but It took years. he still thinks he rocked her world. her story is quite the opposite.
 

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only woman I know that did that did it because she knew she needed to take care of her man, but had fallen out of love with him, and was not interested in sex. hope that's not the case with you.
Oral sex is far more intimate to most woman than vaginal sex. I doubt that she's only giving him oral because she's no longer in love with him...

It sounds more like sexual abuse issues to me, or she could suffer from vaginisimus - which could account for her apprehension about penis size http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus Whatever the case, I would suggest that your W discuss this with her doctor.
 

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I have talked to her about it... ALOT, and she says my size scares her... that it will hurt her. I don't think I'm a monster down there. I'm about 8" depending on how excited I am. Interestingly, if I masturbate it's barely 6 inches... She's the only thing that excites me really. She has also told me I am bigger now then when we met... she might be right because I swear I used to be about 7 before, and it seems bigger. When she does oral on me I might be a little over 8 sometimes at the peak of it right before I finish when it's really intense. She also says she literally loves giving me bjs, she really enjoys it and I don't think she is lying. She also tells me it's enough pleasure for her just doing that for me. If I say I want to thrust more (I say it other ways, many other ways, dirty or sweet or clean or naughty whatever)... anyways, if I say I want to thrust more, implying I want to have intercourse, she'll let me do it orally instead. Even kinda rough and deep, whatever I want orally just no intercourse.
Keep in mind that an 8" erect penis is in the top 5% according to most size surveys.
The size may be imposing to her and cause her discomfort.
However I have no explanation for the lack of affection and not allowing you to pleasure her.

I prefer the feeling of being completely inside whenever we do things and she can do that (deep throat) almost all the way, almost the whole time she gives me oral. When it comes to oral she does it almost anyway I want it. With oral, she will do almost anything I want. That isn't a problem at all. She is just worried I will want the same kind of feeling with intercourse, but I told her I would control myself and not try to push it in like that all way. She says she will eventually try it (we have before, we used to all the time), but she's been saying that for months now.

I think it is the combination of lack of affection and no intercourse that is really bothering me. If it was just the no sex, but we kissed a lot more I might accept her reasons. If we had sex and didn't kiss I'd probably still be worried. If she let me pleasure her down there and we kissed I'd believe her reasons. Unfortunately, it's all three... little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse.

I'm sorry if this is coming across pornographic that's not my intention I assure you. Everything else I've read is always men saying they cannot get any oral sex or any sex at all... One thing I read was a guy saying his wife constantly gave him oral all the time, but maybe that was a joke. I'm wondering if there are people who are going to say I'm really lucky that the only thing I have to do in my sex life is get incredible oral sex almost every other day. Maybe I am? I'm just really bothered by what is NOT happening.

I want to be intimate with my wife again. I tell her, we talk about it. She assures me it's just my size that scares her. That it will hurt, but I say I'll be as gentle as I can be. I have good hygiene, and we have great communication. She always open to doing the bjs as described above, no problem. But never anything else... again: little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse. I do try to do these other things often... very often. But I'm always pushed away in one form or another.
See a therapist.

I'm really bothered by this. Am I crazy? Do I actually have it really good and I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too here? Should I worry? Why do you think things are like this? Does anyone have experience with this? Any advice would be appreciated. Maybe I need to hear how I should quit complaining? Maybe I need to hear what people think is wrong here? Thoughts? Comments? Anything! Hypothesize whatever? Anything even remotely similar.

I swear, it may sound like a dream to some people... For a little while it was. I mean, even typing this I'm kinda thinking wth? But once the kissing, intercourse, and pleasuring her at all stopped and then stayed that way for a while I started really getting worried. I thought at first she just wasn't in the mood but wanted to take care of me.
There are completely sexless and affection less people here who would love the lovingly given scraps you are provided.

Oh, and sorry for the novel of a post. I felt I really needed to spell it all out honestly to the random people on the Internet.
[/quote]

Unfortunately I'm familiar with your exact scenario. Your lucky that what you do get she's very happy to provide.
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Of course medical reasons should be checked out. If there are no medical issues, then moving along to other areas of possibility.

Lube is going to very important to make intercourse easier on her. If you use condoms you will want to be sure you use a water based lube. If condoms are not being used, oils are the best in my opinion. We use coconut oil, almond oil, grape seed or olive oil, in that order of preference. Organic is best.

There needs to be trust. She has to feel safe. She has to trust that you will go slow and stop if there is discomfort. I would recommend that she take top so she is in control of speed and depth and if she needs to stop and let her body adjust for a moment, she can do so.

One thing that I have found that is very nice is when you go super slow during the first penetration. When you think you can't go any slower, slow down a bit more. Once you are inside, stop and wait. This will allow her body to relax and adjust to accommodate. This is also a good time to look into each others eyes, caress each others face and enjoy that closeness.

There are some people, both men and women, that have issues with receiving. Many are taught to give to others but it is selfish to receive. Does she allow you to give her a massage? Does she take long relaxing baths? If receiving is an issue for her, it may be beneficial to spend time focusing on this. You can take turns giving and receiving. It may be uncomfortable for the giver to receive, but learning to focus on enjoying the moment and receiving and not being the giver for a bit of time is beneficial to those that have an issue with receiving.

Get a timer and set it for 3 or 5 minutes to start. During that time, one has to lay back and allow the other to explore their body or pleasure them for the entire time. After the timer goes off, switch positions and repeat the process. This is not only great for learning how to give and receive but it is also great for exploring your partners body and learning where all the sweet spots are, because as we age, these can change.
 

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The first thing that came to mind was a history of sexual abuse... don't know if that's the case.

You said you did have regular intercourse at some point during your relationship. How did that go? Did she ever complain or mention pain? I think this is an excuse. I have an ex who was large and have experienced momentary pain I think due to that but all it took was a bit of a shift in position. But I did say something in the moment. Maybe she didn't and just endured it? I don't know because you have talked about it and assured her you would be accommodating if she felt pain.... So it's not like she is afraid to say it or talk about it with you so I find it odd.

Also her not wanting to kiss or be touched tells me "pain" is an excuse. I don't know if its a lack of attraction or affection or if its more of a deep seated issue of hers that has little to do with you but you need to find out and she is the only person that can tell you.
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If I didn't know any better I would have thought that the OP was my hubby. I do mostly oral because of the pain and that I don't lubricate like I used to. Of course my hubby uses my natural lubrication to gauge how aroused I am, so if I'm not lubricated then I'm just giving a pity f*ck according to him. And he does not want that, no way.

This is why I do oral instead of PIV, it is less hassle.
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Ain't it lovely when our body is less than cooperative? The amount of natural lubrication is not a reliable indicator. Some will be lubricated and not turned on and others can be turned on like crazy and lube is just not producing like it should.

I wish we had begun using lube a long time ago.

We use the oils on our legs, stomach and such too so we don't stick to each other, but rather slide. It has improved things immensely. It also makes the skin nice and soft.

Positions is going to be another important feature. Some positions allow for deeper penetration than others. If your length is causing too much pressure on her cervix, changing to a different position can do a lot to improve her comfort level.

Different times of the month and the varying hormone levels can have an impact on things too. A position or technique that works during week one of her cycle could be no good for week 3.

Complex, I know, but knowledge can be a wonderful too.
 

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She more than likely cheated on you and contracted a STD (herpes, genital warts, etc) and does not want to pass it on to you. You should confront her and demand the truth.

Another possibility is that she's having an affair and have pledged her vagina to her lover only. Hence the reason she's only giving you hand jobs and BJs.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Wow, a lot of replies! I gave it a few days hoping that would be enough time to get some replies… so now I will try to answer questions and respond to the responders. Thanks much to everyone who took a minute to either give advice or give a… to care.

I can sum up a lot of these replies to this:

“what is a solution that meets Occam’s Razor here?”
In other words, is there one solution that relates all these things together? A lot of the solutions I read focus on the lack of intercourse or stimulation… but then they leave out the kissing.

MissScarlett:
The intercourse stopped about 3 maybe 4 years ago. There was one time since then separated by a year.
The wife does have abuse from when she was young, just barely young enough to remember.
Yes, I am glad that you linked these two things… it’s like it’s more then just the lack of intercourse… it is also the “off limits” mentality and the lack of kissing.
The other day she was open to me using my fingers, but briefly. I didn’t specifically ask. I merely was touching her butt and she moved my hand on her own. I was a little surprised, but of course didn’t question it at the time.

Treyvion:
Interesting theory with the control aspect… perhaps you have a point. The only thing that may lead me to disagree with you is that she allows me to be in almost complete control during the oral sex.
80% of the closeness? Possibly… but maybe it’s that I miss the 20%? I would agree… it’s not so much that I’m totally complaining because some people could argue I have it good… it’s more that the 20% is so strongly missing… and that there are the two aspects missing: Kissing and any vaginal stimulation.
She has expressed worries that I may cause her pain during intercourse, which validates your length point… however… again I have to go back to why the kissing and intercourse both lacking? I’m strongly considering the spacers idea you have, because the pressure I feel around the base is important to achieve and maintain full erection for me. The head can be really sensitive if it is the only part stimulated (almost painful when in isolation) and the first few inches being stimulated offer great pleasure for only about 2-3 minutes before I almost require the rest of the penis to be stimulated. Even if it is a hand in addition to oral, that works.

Tom67:
Ic? Sorry I am unfamiliar with all the abbreviations lol.

Aug:
Born and still is a female… however IF IT WAS a fake vagina that would answer that question. All female 100% her whole life.

Poohbear:
Yes just over ten years… however sorry to invalidate your point but she is still in her 20’s. Although, maybe your point still has a factor. But then you wonder, does that mean no connection between the no kissing and the no sex? And, why is any vaginal stimulation discouraged? Couldn’t oral sex quickly alleviate a lubrication issue… at least in terms of using cunnilingus alone to provide pleasure and perhaps orgasm?
Other changes? We’re just moving through life I guess you might say…. No major changes and nothing I can think of that correlates with 3-4 years ago.
However, your point is still noted.

Soulsearch:
I sincerely hope that is not the case. As I mentioned in my original post though, we’re seemingly as close as ever, at least in every other aspect of our relationship. We laugh, talk, hang out, backrubs, everything. Very rarely argue and when we do it’s short. Maybe she’s moved on to a more platonic love? But to provide the sexual things she does provide… in the way she does… I just seem to think it’s more than just a “drop it, let me get this over with cause I have to.” I would just say she hasn’t alluded to not being in love with me in any other way really.

Cosmos:
I would agree with the oral because no love point you make.
Sexual abuse? Maybe, but then I would wonder why was that not an issue before for many years?
I would agree with the doctor discussion, but then would you think the lack of kissing or any vaginal stimulation was unrelated? And if it was not related… what is the root cause of these things?

Treyvio (to your second post):
She has told me (before I grew a little more) I was the second biggest she had been with. When asked, she has said that the main reason for the no intercourse was size, but I am like you with no explanation for the other.
The current therapist I’m visiting is the internet lol…
I would agree that there are others worse off than me you are absolutely right about that. I do feel lucky, I honestly do, because I read about other couple’s issues and mine can, in a way, seem trivial. Still though, I have concern for my problems and would like to get to the bottom of them and fix them.
You say you are familiar with my exact scenario. Can you expand on that a little bit? Perhaps we can compare stories and find similarities and then do a little Sherlock Holmes and Watson?

Lovemylife:
Yes, medical reasons should be checked out. At the moment I’m not sure there are any.
I would agree with the lube, perhaps I can make it a point to have it more readily available. There is some in my drawer… maybe I’ll have it out so I won’t forget.
It’s interesting you talk about the control, and you have a really good point. I’ve told her some of my fantasies… with different positions such as her being on top AFAIK should leave her in complete control of the depth.
I like the super slow idea. I’m somewhat like that actually… I really don’t jump in and go from 0-60 honestly. Maybe not quite as slow as you described… but if I get to a point where intercourse becomes a reality I will try this method or something similar. I much prefer slow and deep to fast and hard and not too deep.
Interesting thought with the giving and receiving I never thought of that… She does let me give her massage (I’m actually somewhat good at it not to brag lol). Sometimes I can go for almost 2 hours if she lets me. Sometimes I do it because I know she’s not letting me please her sexually and I feel like I can at least make her feel good in some aspect… but I don’t resent that part at all. I do like giving massage a lot, especially because I know she enjoys it and I’m somewhat proficient in deep tissue rather then only the Swedish variation.
I would agree with the “non 69” approach to giving and receiving, however when I offer, when I try to, when I move in that direction in any way… with either fingers, mouth, or especially penis I am given some variation of “no” in some way or another. Usually some form of excuse.
I will try very very hard to do the timer idea I really like that… stay tuned… it is the next thing I will try. (after the monthly visitor leaves)

Inarut:
History of sexual abuse I can see why you’d think that… but them I’m left to: what about before? But it’s not a long history, it was a onetime occurrence. I’m certainly not trying to downplay that at all, don’t get me wrong.
But yes, we used to have intercourse fairly regularly. It usually went well. I only remember her mentioning pain once… it was during and it was a little difficult for me to enter her so we stopped. Not long after we did resume however with no issue.
She never seemed to be in pain at all except that one incident. And you’re absolutely correct, she is open to talking for the most part.
I would agree at least partially with the excuse theory. Especially because I have offered the accommodation.
I will continue to try to communicate and keep everyone posted.

Techmom:
I understand where you’re coming from and it’s obvious you care about his needs which are good… but you would allow him to please you and kiss you in other ways right?

Lovemylife:
I question how much the body is uncooperative and how much the mind is lol.
As this is another comment pointing out the lube issue, I’m getting the lube right now and putting it on standby just in case lol.
I would agree with the positions definitely. I have offered to do any that she felt comfortable with, especially if they allow her control over depth so I don’t have to guess or worry I’m going too far.
Different times of the month can vary yes, especially with her level of arousal and even mine if I’m feeding back on her a lot. But, all times of the month, every month and no pleasure, penetration or kissing?
Knowledge is wonderful! Lol you’re spot on.

Anuvia:
I guess that could be a possibility? I honestly very highly doubt it but again maybe it’s remotely possible.
I honestly didn’t strongly consider your theory, but it did come to mind before I posted. And then the question becomes how long can she keep this up? It’s been a few years now and I’ve been asking her a lot and trying to talk about it.
Perhaps a little investigation is in order? Then again, oral transmission of STD’s happens, and we never use a condom during oral. I’ve been tested recently, blood donation, and I’m clean.
I will mention a few things though….
I have offered to use a condom and we have them available. I have offered in terms of pregnancy prevention. Also, it’s unlikely that she could cheat because of our living situation… it’s complicated to explain just trust me.
But I would agree no one can watch another person 24/7.
Perhaps the vagina pledge… but she let me use my fingers for a moment a few days ago. But your theory might explain the lack of kissing also.
Have you had a similar experience or are you just hypothesizing?
 
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