Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 88 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
First, I will say that my wife and I are meant for each other. We have almost identical interest, hobbies, perfect travel partner, and best friends and have the same religious beliefs. She is a great woman and I don't want her bashed and I don't want to talk negatively about her. This post is just looking for suggestions and helpful advice. If you want to bash me, no problem :)

My wife's and I sex life has not been the best over the past few months over some resentment with me being upset and acting like a jerk if we did not have sex. That is on another post. So she has resentment towards me and we are trying to rebuild the intimacy and are moving forward.

I have completely backed off on pressuring my wife for sex and when it does not happen I have not been negative or said anything to her. It has been 5 or 6 days since we had sex and that is so not normal for us and she knows how much I need it. So we are in bed last night and I am giving her a massage like I do almost every night. Then she says; "If you want to flip me over you can before I get tired" that excited me and made me want to have sex, but there is no physical touch by her to get me aroused. There is no kissing, no touching at all by her to me, she tells me she is too tired for her own orgasm and is rolled up against me, but not where we can have any eye contact. I just can't get aroused knowing that it is only for me and that she does not desire sex and not feeling any physical touch by her.

I feel appreciative that my wife offered her body for me. (BTW, she is extremely attractive and sexy). I feel frustrated that I can't seem to get hard to accept the "gift" she is trying to give me.

Ideas on how to get aroused in this situation?? Does this happen in your relationship?? Should I just decline when I know it is only for me??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
48 Posts
I have a similar situation

My wife wants sex she let me bring her to orgasm - she doesnt touch me or stumulate me at all. The after she tries tp pull me onto her for sex and gets annoyed when I am not hard - she says "I dont turn you on"

The truth is after she has orgasmed the rest seems like shes just doing it for me to get it over with - like you I feel frustrated as you say its like a "gift"

I lover her shes beautifull and I have spoken to her about sex I have told her my inner fantasies and fetishes - but I seem to get nothing back from her about what she wants
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,190 Posts
If I acted like that , my husband would feel the same way.... erection killer... it would suck the life out of him...he needs my desire, some enthusiam, like Costa200 said, not a corpse... you might have more enjoyment with a blow up doll....

Being the one with the higher sex drive - you'll need to seek to understand what trips your wife's triggers...do you know her love languages ....is it more romance, helping her around the house so she is less tired, is it upping the Alpha bad boy - coming on to her with a pursuing confidence....get masterfully creative...every woman is so different... so good luck there!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
663 Posts
You would be better off having her help you masturbate in those instances. It's nearly impossible to get turned on if the woman is just lying there.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
Ouch... nothing worse than a cadaver.

OP... sex you are having 'aint worth it.
Uphill battle to get her to change as she feels she is fulfilling her duty as your masturbation toy shes probably thinking of grocery shopping when you release in her.. exciting huh.

My wife pulled this crap during our sexless period... ED producing stress.

All I can say is good luck. I'm actually glad mine went sexless at least that allowed me the unquestioned high ground to pound into my wife the importance of involved and frequent sex.
I flat out told her I never want pity sex and that she is NOT meeting my needs in our marriage.

So far still sexless most likely because she is trying to get to where she really wants it again with me so when we get going it should be much better. We'll get there.

Just realize change is hard. Your wife won't be happy being told sex with her is lame.
Pretty sure there is resentment in your wife that's the reason shes doing this to you... payback. Could be anything OP they have a ROLODEX going back to the day they met you. Your crying about sex is just another entry.

Think you need to bring this to a HEAD and pop it if you want great sex again.
What you and she did was sort of a agreement to get crybaby the sex hes crying about.
Lame sex. Your wife's smart... she gets a massage then works on stuff mentally while you in a very controlled fashion use her to masturbate in. Shes made the chore "easier"

Be prepared for a battle. Has to get worse before better.

If you care I would stop having sex and tell her every time "no thanks" when she does that crap. Start creating friction make it an issue. Stop giving her massages, makes you look accepting of her bad behavior.

Only way to get her to change is for her to want to change. That involves her seeing you in a different light, her feeling security threatened, you getting control over your sexual urges, her seeing sex in a different light.

I think our turning point will ultimately be be one the other day... when my wife got full on angry (angriest ever) at me and told me sometimes feels like "strangling" me.... with fire in her eyes and ran upstairs.

Finally real passion! She let out that under-lying resentment. Bring it on. I can take it.

These wives keep it all bottled up have to get them to release it.
Make it an issue so big they know they have to find a way to resolve it!
Was great to see my wife out of control of her emotions.

So know I have under my belt... ILYNILWY and now "I want to strangle you".... great stuff!
What does she have on me.... "I love you" never waivers. "I want our marriage to improve" never waivers

Maintain the high ground and don't fall to her level. She will eventually climb that mountain. Possibly kicking and screaming.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
So what is she doing to get over this resentment that she has toward you? If it's nothing, she's happy to be disconnected.

That is the problem. She's disconnected and you need to find out why.

Until you do, I'd disconnect as well. Ask. Get a no. Let it go.

If she accedes and isn't into the act, there is nothing wrong with getting up and going to the shower to finish up business. That will send a clear message.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
I have a similar situation

My wife wants sex she let me bring her to orgasm - she doesnt touch me or stumulate me at all. The after she tries tp pull me onto her for sex and gets annoyed when I am not hard - she says "I dont turn you on"

The truth is after she has orgasmed the rest seems like shes just doing it for me to get it over with - like you I feel frustrated as you say its like a "gift"

I lover her shes beautifull and I have spoken to her about sex I have told her my inner fantasies and fetishes - but I seem to get nothing back from her about what she wants
It sounds like your wife and mine are twins. I don't think my wife is trying to be hurtful, but she just does not feel like having sex so she turns over so I can get off, but that is it. I have told her a hundred times that I need to feel desired and I fill that through sex and physical touch. The last time I said it, she said it puts too much pressure on her knowing that my need being fulfilled rest on her shoulders and she told me never to bring it up again. She said it really is not a need, but a want. I still don't agree with that and from what I read on another thread this morning on here, most everyone recognizes that it is a need for a husband to feel desired by his wife.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
121 Posts
First, I will say that my wife and I are meant for each other. We have almost identical interest, hobbies, perfect travel partner, and best friends and have the same religious beliefs. She is a great woman and I don't want her bashed and I don't want to talk negatively about her. This post is just looking for suggestions and helpful advice. If you want to bash me, no problem :)

My wife's and I sex life has not been the best over the past few months over some resentment with me being upset and acting like a jerk if we did not have sex. That is on another post. So she has resentment towards me and we are trying to rebuild the intimacy and are moving forward.

I have completely backed off on pressuring my wife for sex and when it does not happen I have not been negative or said anything to her. It has been 5 or 6 days since we had sex and that is so not normal for us and she knows how much I need it. So we are in bed last night and I am giving her a massage like I do almost every night. Then she says; "If you want to flip me over you can before I get tired" that excited me and made me want to have sex, but there is no physical touch by her to get me aroused. There is no kissing, no touching at all by her to me, she tells me she is too tired for her own orgasm and is rolled up against me, but not where we can have any eye contact. I just can't get aroused knowing that it is only for me and that she does not desire sex and not feeling any physical touch by her.

I feel appreciative that my wife offered her body for me. (BTW, she is extremely attractive and sexy). I feel frustrated that I can't seem to get hard to accept the "gift" she is trying to give me.

Ideas on how to get aroused in this situation?? Does this happen in your relationship?? Should I just decline when I know it is only for me??
Okay as always context helps..... Age, Any kids, how long have you been married????

As for the post, am bored reading the same over and over...... I guess the question is why the hell are you giving her a massage every night (even Trying has stopped with the nightly foot massages), when it does not lead to sex? As mem11363 would say "You're rewarding bad behaviour".... I remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry was dating a Massage Therapist and couldn't get a massage. Point was it was her job and she had no interest to give one when done work as a massage therapist is done as it is just that "work".

Leave massages to professionals and rub up to her in bed. If you get "intimate" then incorporate a massage, otherwise forget it......
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
I have too much pride to settle for pity sex. I'm a woman and if my husband did that to me I'd choose my vibrator over him and I wouldn't care if he knew either.

Have you read no more mr nice guy? You need it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
If I acted like that , my husband would feel the same way.... erection killer... it would suck the life out of him...he needs my desire, some enthusiam, like Costa200 said, not a corpse... you might have more enjoyment with a blow up doll....

Being the one with the higher sex drive - you'll need to seek to understand what trips your wife's triggers...do you know her love languages ....is it more romance, helping her around the house so she is less tired, is it upping the Alpha bad boy - coming on to her with a pursuing confidence....get masterfully creative...every woman is so different... so good luck there!
SA, I think from what I have seen on TAM, you have the best understanding of your husband’s needs and I appreciate all your insight and post.
Like your husband, it is an erection killer for me.

We both have done the 5 love languages before we met and shared those with each other. I just looked them up on our chat history from a few years ago. My wife said "Acts of Service" and "Physical Touch" are her top two love languages and when I did the survey, "Acts of Service and Physical Touch" are the top two that I give. However, if she says she is not feeling loved I say, but I go gas up your car for you, make you coffee every morning, clean the house, take care of paperwork for you, give you back massages every night, etc. Then she tells me, “ I don't care about that, it means nothing to me.” I am so confused when she says that, because she told me that was her #1 language when we met and how much she appreciated that about me.

Her #2 language is physical touch, but after we got married she said she needed space. I was constantly trying to hold her hand, always touching her, always wanting to be next to her and trying to kiss her too much. She felt smothered, so I have backed off as much as I can, but she still gets upset sometimes and says I show too much affection.

So basically, I am just really, really confused. I asked her a few weeks ago, so what are you love languages and she said, you don't know me at all and then said something to the effect that she is tired of hearing about love languages.

I think it may be the lack of Alpha Male as you mentioned. I took the NMMNG quiz and I am not sure anyone has scored higher on it. I am the ultimate Mr. Nice guy as it relates to her. I am an Alpha Male at work, with the kids and for the most part in business, but with her, I am a total push over, will do anything for her, will sacrifice anything for her, will do anything to make her happy and will work hard not to make sure I spend a lot of time with her.

I mentioned last week to her, that I think me being a nice guy all the time does not make her attracted to me. She said she always wanted a nice guy and says that I am that nice guy she always wanted, but I don't see her being attracted to me sexually and that is very frustrating.

She does cuddle with me, she text me all the time, calls all the time, wants to spend time together, set goals together, go to church together, do regular date nights and travel. Overall, we are the perfect couple and people envy our life and our relationship, but internally the lack of intimacy and the lack of feeling desired are very hurtful for me and is wearing on our relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
116 Posts
Touchy subject. Everybody wants to tell you to be the highlander. You know how hard it is to fight yourself in a situation like this? To try to get what you want and receive something similar to being turned down? I mean reject is pretty bad but if not as bad as your spouse being a corpse. I've had this treatment before. She tried to play the sympathy card but she always gets into once its started. Intimacy is a beautiful thing and to remove the eye contact, the kissing, hearts touching, meeting of your minds, and producing energy as one, what a terrible thing to waste. Pretty damn selfish if you ask me. I also believe beggers can not be choosers. True, you shouldnt be begging or negotiating for sex in the first place. At the same time do you think a homeless person is going to turn down a cheese burger? Oh no, I only eat gourmet meals or I'll take a porterhouse steak. Forget the cheese burger. Nah, it doesnt work that way with sex. If you're getting it regularly or your needs our being met, then you cant start to make demands or special request. If youre up S*** creek without a paddle then you usually take what you can get until it gets better. You could always separate yourself from the situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
You would be better off having her help you masturbate in those instances. It's nearly impossible to get turned on if the woman is just lying there.
I asked last night, I said can you help me masturbate instead since you are not up for sex. She said, you can do it yourself and then she turned over away from me. :confused:

We do masturbate together on a regular basis when we are having sex, but only if we are both getting off.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,888 Posts
She's emotionally disconnected from you at the moment. Find out what it is to meet her needs. Us women are different when it comes to what type of needs need to be met, just as men are. Talk to her and find out. Once she feels her needs are met, things will get better.

Or if it was a one time thing, she may have not of been in the mood and doing this because she loves you. Not every session goes perfectly or as passionately as we want it too. Perhaps she was tired too. The best way to find out is to talk with her. :). Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Trying2figureitout,

Thanks for the post. I think the "No Thanks" is a good thing. I don't want lame sex, I don't want pity sex. I want to be desired and wanted.

How long has it been for you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Okay as always context helps..... Age, Any kids, how long have you been married????

As for the post, am bored reading the same over and over...... I guess the question is why the hell are you giving her a massage every night (even Trying has stopped with the nightly foot massages), when it does not lead to sex? As mem11363 would say "You're rewarding bad behaviour".... I remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry was dating a Massage Therapist and couldn't get a massage. Point was it was her job and she had no interest to give one when done work as a massage is "work".

Leave massages to professionals and rub up to her in bed. If you get "intimate" then incorporate a massage, otherwise forget it......
Sorry to bore you with the post, but you still responded so must be some interest.

Married 1.5 years, both been married before. We have 5 kids half the time. 3 from my prior marriage, 2 from hers. We are in our mid 30s. Kids range from 6 to 12.

I am not sure why I still give nightly massages. I am a pushover and when I ask for a massage she tells me no. She also calls me selfish if I ask for sex or a massage. Does not seem right now I am thinking about it.
 
1 - 20 of 88 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top