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I am writing because I don't know what else to do. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Scott. I met my wife when I was just starting college. She was perfect. She didn't drink, she didn't cuss, she was "by the book." I soon dropped out of college and joined the Army in 1995. She continued with her education to become a teacher. I left and she endured without me. She stayed by my side. Wherever I was deployed to she was always just a phone call away. She was the best thing to ever happen to me. I was "out of control." She tamed me. In 1998 we got married. It was a rocky start, like most are, and we never really had any money to go on a honeymoon. We just enjoyed spending time together.
After several years together we started drifting apart. I didn't believe in God at the time. She did. After our first born I started loosing control. I started doing marijuana and regretting ever getting married. She was consumed with the baby. We were living in IA at the time and 8 hours away from any family. She had taken up a job as a principal and I was feeling the effects of a new baby.
We moved back to IN to be closer to family and as soon as we did we had another child and my parents moved away. I was left alone in a strange city with 2 kids, a wife and all of her family. I was losing control. I pushed her away. I was depressed all the time and didn't know what I wanted.
After several years we got in an argument and she kicked me out.
She has filed for divorce three times. I have seen paperwork once since then.
We have always loved each other and over the years I have grown closer to God and her, as she has grown farther from him and me.
After 2-1/2 years being separated and working on our relationship, this past January, "out of the blue" she decided that she felt like our relationship felt like a brother and sister one and she was filing for divorce again. It hit me by surprise. We had done everything together since last fall. Thanksgiving, dinners, Christmas. I would come home from work and fix dinner and pick up the kids. I would fix dinner for her and have it ready by the time she got home. I would pick up the house, even thought I didn't live there, and provided everything I could for her and the kids. Then one day she had enough.
I have found out since then that she has been seeing another principal from her district. They are provided new cell phones every few years and I went in to her(our) house one day and took her old one. I found out things that I didn't want to.
She has been having sex with this man since before she decided to end it with me. That is the reason she ended it so abruptly with me. I can't believe it. It broke my heart.
I know that I wasn't always there for her but have grown to love her more than life.
I confronted her with this and she claims to not be "seeing" anyone. I have proof through her phone and going into our house that this is not the case. I am not stalking her but want to know what is going on so as to protect myself.
I am really trying to let God take control but it is hard. This man is 10 years senior to her and both are public officials. I have read how they have "met up" during the school day to do who knows what. I am just sick to my stomach and cry all the time.
I love her to death and would forgive her today if she would give me the time of day but she is off in la la land and confused.
Our daughter is turning 6 in July and my wife and I have read books to her since she was born, also our son. I have come to find out that she doesn't read to them anymore and they haven't gone to church in over 3 months. I just am so confused as to why she would throw this all away over a fling. Will this last? Do I have any hope left in getting my family back?
 

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Do not try being nice to her to get her back. If you have enough proof ie copies of texts and emails expose both of them. There will be more people here shortly that have been thru this before. Remain calm and be open to suggestions that you will get here at TAM.
 

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Sorry you find yourself here.

The first thing you need to do, before confronting her further is to read the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and will give you a lot of info of what to do. Don't let her know you are reading.

Once you have that under your belt, a lot of the advice and support we give here will help you determine what to do as you try to save your marriage.
 

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You mentioned that you have been separated for 2 and 1/2 years now and working on your relationship. What does that exactly mean? Marriage counseling? Going to church together? Datenights?
 

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Woody

You have been separated for 2.5 years, you just realized she does read to the kids anymore nor go to church anymore.

Just how engaged with your wife and kids are you on a daily basis?

The fact she has filed for Divorce 3 times already does not bode well.

Have you cheated on your wife?

I think you need to expose the A. I think you need the truth from your wife.

But I also think you need to be honest with yourself about your marriage.

HM64
 

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Discussion Starter #7
This has all just happened since Feb. since then we went out together on family events, I stayed there till we put the kids to bed, but always read to them. I haven't lived with her all this time but we always got along and she promised me that I could move back in by Christmas. Of course this didn't happen since this new guy showed up about the same time.
She has just recently stopped going to church and reading to the kids. I think that she is just confused and doesn't want to face God. I confronted her and she said she could do what she wanted cause we have been separated for 2-1/2yrs but we have been together doing thing together with the kids since then.
I have never. Heated on her and still wear my wearing ring, which she hasn't for some time now. I am totally committed to this marriage.
I asked her if I could come over and put the A/C in her bedroom window and cut the grass. I used to do it for money but offed to do it for free cause I love having my daughter ride along with me. She declined. A few days later she asked me if I wanted to come over and do those things for her. I gladly accepted. It was great having my daughter ride with me the whole time and. Rearing a memory. Come to find out while I was outside doing this she was texting someone else saying how she just wished this divorce would hurry up
And get done.
I confronted her the next day and she won't talk to me anymore. She somehow blames me for everything. And now can't even cut the grass for free to be with my daughter.
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You are married so act like a husband and no a doormat. Expose the affair to the school district, familf and friends. Take the kids with you and filr for divorce. Do this today

Get yourself to the DR and toan IC
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I wish I could take the kids. My hours don't permit me to and I don't have any family or friends living nearby to help. I am here by myself. While she has family and friends to help her. I haven't exposed this because I don't want any bad blood and am trying to be the better man. I am trying to let God settle it out.
I have thought about confronting him and telling him to back off or I will tell his kids. They are grown.
From what I have read he doesnt want to fall in love and/or have anything to do with my kids.
I have thought about exposing them to the school board but think it will backfire in my face if I do and I will never have a chance at recogciliation after that.
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OP I can't begin to count the mistakes you have made.You are a trained solder I know you are a man. For Christ sake get it together man.Remember who you are. Were you really charging your wife to cut the lawn ? Did I mis read that ?Whats that all about ?Do it or don't do it but don't charge for it . Is work that hard to come.Are you dealing with PTSD ? Tell us the whole story.We are here to listen and help where we can.Fix you then fix what you can.
 

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I did it for money cause I was making very little money and she offered to pay me. I didn't like it but didn't have a choice. I am trying to pay my bills plus child support while letting her keep everything we owned.
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You have to expose this to have any chance of getting her back. He will drop her like a hot potato if his job is at risk.
 

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I have more to say but I will wait to hear more of your story before I add somthing that can be helpful.How is your level of self respect these days ?
 

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I did it for money cause I was making very little money and she offered to pay me. I didn't like it but didn't have a choice. I am trying to pay my bills plus child support while letting her keep everything we owned.
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What do you do for a living?
 

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I know how this ends, by the time the kids are 10-16 yo and the first guy (the princepal is long gone) and she (your old lady) is on her 5th -10th guy you will finally have had enough.

So having been there but in the same breath never have been seperated, me and Mrs. the guy spent over a decade *pretending* to be married. as I treated her like crap and she went thru the motions as a mother and a wife only to focus on the 2nd life she had that put a bandaid on the marriage with her adultorus life style fo 13 freaken years..........

I finally had enough in 2010.

Face this crap head on and no matter how it pans out stop letting this women bring out the worst in you. Stop letting *her* unhealthy behavior dictate how you behave as a man and as a father.

See your chick's bull crap is effecting you as a man and that directly effect you as a father. So stop it! Stop trying to control her and stop being afraid.
Start showing some confidence and stop being a maid. Your chick wants a man not a maid. She want confident man not a husband (hence the old man in a high position that is now her boy friend).

My point is you can be that mature man in a high position and command the respect from any women... So confront her, wish her the best and inform her that this is no longer about *us* this is about you and this is about FINDING A WOMEN THAT WILL BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOU and now that she is no longer doing the job, wish he the best and smile.

See this tactic of self confidence and ego is the *only* thing that can compete with what your chick has now replaced you with.

And to be hinest you can't compete with new love, but you can let her go....a perception that will show her that #1 you will not tolorate sharing your wife, and #2 this tactic will be the only thing that will get your ols lady to think twice about her choices.

At the end of the day dude you have to change for your self and your kids...it will be up to her to either keep up and walk next to you or fall behind.

To get her out of the fog she has to see the her current replacement is not all that and that what she once had she is about to lose as you let her go.


So let her go, man up, and make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.....This my friend is infidelity 101.\\Or you can keep on doing what your doing and watch her emotionally move futher and further away. cuz in her mind you ain't going any were, so why change.

Until she sees that if she continues there will be heavy consequences for her , you, the kids, and even the OM, she will never second guess her choices.
 

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Oh ya and another thing, She can blame shift all she wants and bring up all the crap that was done to her in the past, but in the end this is not about her, this is about CHANGE and she is either along for the ride in getting your kids out of high school or you can do it your self while she goes through man after man.

Sir now that you have focus you want to know if she is in or if she is out.

If she is out then wish her the best and take the raines.

If she is in the welcome her back state your new boundries and the consequense if they are crossed and take the raines.

But one way or another you must take the rainse no matter if she is in or if she is out.

So stop being some codependent bete and alpha up and live...live for you and your kids, it will be up to your wife to reap the rewards you can offfer on bail and not take the risk again.

Its your call man, your old lady can come along or not but you do have control over your own sh1t not hers, so don't let her crap define you brother!!!!!!!!!
 
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