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Discussion Starter · #82 ·
(In response to Julie's Husband) Physical problem - still have erections but no finish. Was warned about almost guaranteed "retrograde ejaculation" (nothing comes out) from TURP and was aware of other likely side effects. Prostate blocked urine flow so badly that doctor had to run scope through the bladder and view downward to observe upward bulge from prostate! As far as healthy now - I've healed rapidly from rotator cuff surgery in both shoulders, hernia, and TURP. I'm over 69 and still walk several miles every day, do 50+ sit-ups, and a few push-ups. I have adjusted to limit alcohol to typically 2 but no more than 3 drinks at night when the "demons" start playing in my head - not the best solution but the best I have for now. Even with drinking (never a drinker before in my life), my blood tests are very good. As a matter of fact I have a genetic GOOD medical condition known as "Gilbert's Syndrome" - the documented health effect is HALF the normal mortality rate and demonstrated benefits on most major old age issues! So statistically I'll get to live longer... Is this irony or not? And yes I still wonder if I made the correct choice, but there are far too many real-world interactions to make a rash, irreversible decision.
 

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Discussion Starter · #85 ·
Very astute BigDaddy. This is another sideline to the story but not my main issue with my wife. Yes he is dead - suicide on Halloween night a few years ago! Wanted them but never had children through 3 marriages and divorces during the time he was in contact with my wife! Karma is a b***ch! Doesn't help me feel better but he reaped what he sowed. (And yes, I believe my wife's ongoing behavior contributed to his unhappy life and suicide.) So obviously no way to get any satisfaction by confronting him!
 

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OB,

I understand.

It's not that uncommon for a WW to stop having sex, or stop having good sex because of their Romantic Plan A OM. They accept the tradeoff for a plan A husband and father and provider. Unfortunately they just never tell us.

I don't know how WW can compensate for years of no or a degraded sex life or the lies about why they can't have sex with you. They say they are going to go to the doctors to figure out what is wrong, but usually nothing ever happens because they know there is nothing wrong they can orgasm by themselves and oddly they don't want to lie to the doctor.

Sex was never the same with my W after her affair with OM1 and that was 30+ years ago.

Eventually about 20 years later her natural cycle ended, once a month, but she had no real romantic desire for me to carry her forward so our sex life ended too.

So while your WW stayed in contact with OM many other WWs also stay mentally and romantically in contact with OMs. I don't know if that helps but at least you know you are not alone in this.

Is your WW going to write out a timeline and take a polygraph, DNA / STD testing?

Does your WW still have keepsakes or letters from OM?
 

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If you don’t plan to leave the marriage then start setting up your life separately from hers.

go out without her. See friends. Plan vacations on your own etc.
She created this —-> you can grow your life bigger without including her in every part of your life.

just begin by doing things that make you happy. Meet friends that make you happy. If friends ask - don’t hold back - be honest about why you are building a happy life with other people moving forward… since she didn’t honor you and the marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #88 ·
(Please note that we are both almost 70 years old before making comments such as DNA and polygraphs.) I found this posted online and it summarizes my feelings: "This is what keeps me in my current relationship. Yes I love her despite everything and that’s part of it, but when I start to have doubts about my decision to stay, I remember I wouldn’t be able to trust someone new any better than I may eventually be able to learn to trust her again. I’ll never again have that feeling of fairytale/soulmate type romance as I did in the beginning. I’ve always been pragmatic when it came to love even before this and viewed it as a choice and a commitment beyond the initial feelings of attraction and lust, but learning that I was committed to loving a woman through the highs and lows and she couldn’t do the same to me has completely shattered my optimistic outlook on relationships. I now look at 'happy couples' getting engaged and married and announcing pregnancies and think 'I wonder which one of them is going to cheat.' Cheaters don’t realize or don’t care about the implications in the moment. They may think yeah they’ll be mad if they find out, they’ll leave if they find out, but they don’t realize it can ruin our whole outlook on life. I didn’t even realize just how deeply this wound can cut until it happened to me. It’s permeated more than just my marriage but my entire psyche." So ... I'm just living day-by-day and being the best person I can be while being true to MY values.
 

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And your wife did this to you - created this outlook you have now.
To stay knowing full well who she really is… I hope you don’t help her cover this all up.
What family members have you told?
To love someone is one thing - to overlook a lifetime of betrayal is on another level.
There will be no consequences for her, he has already said so. He wants to keep up the false impression that his marriage is a story book example of how it should be for the sake of his grandchildren. Although I understand his reasoning, I'm not so sure I agree with it.
 

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She will get to live her fairy tale: she had an affair partner (no way this was simply emotional) up until the day if his death for 37 years. At any time she could have released the OP and gave him the opportunity to have love with another woman. She literally stile his life from him. Only because she wanted a loyal man who made good money and provided, and an AP to get her rocks off with.
She’s a horrible person and there is no way possible to see it any other way. There’s no way that even the OP who wants so badly to figure out a way to get his mind to accept it, will ever be able to reconcile this travesty in his mind. He can’t even bring himself to tell anyone.
I advise building another life without her also, and believe he would be better off forgetting this love he has for “her”. That live exists only in his imagination, because the object of that love isn’t a real person. He can’t possibly love a person who has done such an evil thing to him.
This whole story is extremely saddening.
OP, your life is not over unless you let it be.
I hope you can find a way to get out and meet someone that will truly love you and you eventually leave your “wife”. You do not owe her your loyalty at this point.
 

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@Old_and_Broken It’s never too late to start a new life. I’m a firm believer that there is always someone out there for each and every one of us. The only thing keeping us from living a more fulfilling life is fear. Fear of the unknown.

Move on, let go of the past and embrace the future.

Seek simplicity and clarity of mind.
 

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Discussion Starter · #95 ·
Thank you for words of support even though you don't agree with my decision. I don't believe she was intentionally evil but now believe she is a narcissist and cannot accept any wrong on her part. I accepted that for many years but my fairy tale love blinded me to it. Everything about this sounds like a story - only it's my nightmare. I am reminded of a quote: "there but for the grace of God go I". I'm not that religious but live and believe in a moral life. I was blessed with a healthy life, intelligence and success (comfortably retired financially). I was cursed with this situation. But she is now disabled and seems to be failing mentally. My morality doesn't allow me to abandon her - I wouldn't abandon a stranger. I am suffering mentally but many others are sheltered from the cruel realities. I don't want to be a martyr, but it seems that's the hand I am given at my age - leaving wouldn't change the past but would hurt other's future. I know i am depressed and sometimes wish that I had died when I was ill with leukemia at 50 (truth - rare Hairy Cell Leukemia) - I would never have experienced this betrayal of what I had held dear. (Sorry I'm rambling, but I'm a bit drunk. Even that doesn't fully stop the nighttime pain.) As was said in the movie "The Green Mile": "I will have wished for death long before Death finds me. In truth, I wish for it already." Thank you all - at least I have an outlet to vent my ongoing anger. I have no one to talk to and don't think counseling could really help.
 

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Thank you for words of support even though you don't agree with my decision. I don't believe she was intentionally evil but now believe she is a narcissist and cannot accept any wrong on her part. I accepted that for many years but my fairy tale love blinded me to it. Everything about this sounds like a story - only it's my nightmare. I am reminded of a quote: "there but for the grace of God go I". I'm not that religious but live and believe in a moral life. I was blessed with a healthy life, intelligence and success (comfortably retired financially). I was cursed with this situation. But she is now disabled and seems to be failing mentally. My morality doesn't allow me to abandon her - I wouldn't abandon a stranger. I am suffering mentally but many others are sheltered from the cruel realities. I don't want to be a martyr, but it seems that's the hand I am given at my age - leaving wouldn't change the past but would hurt other's future. I know i am depressed and sometimes wish that I had died when I was ill with leukemia at 50 (truth - rare Hairy Cell Leukemia) - I would never have experienced this betrayal of what I had held dear. (Sorry I'm rambling, but I'm a bit drunk. Even that doesn't fully stop the nighttime pain.) As was said in the movie "The Green Mile": "I will have wished for death long before Death finds me. In truth, I wish for it already." Thank you all - at least I have an outlet to vent my ongoing anger. I have no one to talk to and don't think counseling could really help.
I've heard you. Your pain is palpable.

May every adulterous spouse or those who think of committing adultery learn from this, the destruction and pain they leave in their wake is Earth Shattering and no-one who finds the truth will respect them.

You are concealing her scarlet A and you are creaking under the weight of it, that is your choice and it may prove to be your undoing since the burden may be too much to bear.

But, alas, know that you have been heard.
 

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Discussion Starter · #99 ·
{See my Sept 7 post - sums up life for me and I can only hope things will change.} I don't discuss the subject with my wife because I can't take any more lies and I wouldn't truly believe anything she says. The history of what happened unpeeled like layers of an onion with a generous coating of lies around each layer. I'm stable but doubt I'll ever be good or truly happy. By day I'm the best "me" I know how to be - for MY sake. I can limit my nighttime alcohol to 2-3 50ml shots (mini-bottles) - it gets me to sleep without problems in the morning. I will update the post if any changes, but unlikely.
 

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Thanks to all of you who have sincerely thought about my situation and tried to offer condolences or suggestions. I would have more and better options if this had been revealed 20 or even 10 years ago - but it wasn't. Life is not FAIR and is much more complicated than any simple answer. I have spent months struggling with this situation. I realize that divorce would not heal my pain and would make me look like the bad guy to the family and the public even though I am faultless. I have tried further to get answers and/or counseling, but it hurts worse to have her continue to lie further to cover her past lies even after she again assured me she will never lie to me again! My lying wife is 69, like me, and has a physical handicap - how could you abandon someone you loved for almost 50 years no matter how she hurt you? So she'll get away with it and I'll quietly suffer unless I magically forget (unlikely). Our children are middle aged and I also have grandchildren to consider. I don't want them to get a bad impression of life and love by destroying their impression that their grandparents had such a good marriage. Most of all, I have MY self-respect to protect. I will continue to be the best "me" I can and not be vindictive since it wouldn't help anyone. (Of course I would get short-term satisfaction from lashing out, but long-term this would cause more problems.) Any disclosure will harm everyone except me and the disclosure won't really help me mentally. I will likely self-medicate with alcohol for the rest of my life - but I have learned to limit it to just enough to get to sleep -2 (at most 3) shots at bedtime. Again, thank you for your comments. Signing off. "As Good as it Gets"
The best revenge against those who do us harm or put us down, is success.
You`re both elderly now and not in good health.
Regardless if you were not her first choice, after 48 years she is still with you.
It would be insane to flush 48 years down the toilet at your age and now your wife is 69 years old she`s not going to leave and have an affair at anytime soon.
Put your self interests first, especially your physical and mental health.
Pack up the drinking lark, eat healthy and exercise regularly.
Enjoy your children and grandchildren, as my grandparents used to enjoy me when I was a kid. Take the grandchildren out on occasions and enjoy the world through the kids eyes.
Get involved with social or hobby groups, keep active so as you are not having to think too much and get depressed about things. This is what I mean about success.
We cannot turn back the clock, we all have to accept that, but In-fact maybe you don`t realise it, you still have a lot going for you if willing to make the most of what you have as I have explained.
We all have to make our own happiness, it won`t come knocking at our door, and as my granddad used to say; don`t let the bastards grind you down.
Think about it.
 
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